ex-shep
10-18-2004, 12:42 AM
Every one in a while, I post the chapter on Step One and powerlessness. As always take what you like and leave the rest. If anyone feels triggered, skip it and come back to it another when you and if you are up to it.
STEP 1: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE: WITHDRAWAL
Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over our spiritual abuse - that our lives had become unmanageable.
So here we were. Lost, confused, and not knowing where to go. To many of us it seemed our whole world had come to an end. We were numb. One person described it as a brick wall hit him—head, stomach, and kidneys all at the same time. This was the feeling when all the dreams and hopes our groups were like the emperor’s new clothes which were nothing but the latest in Fruit of the Loom. We were experiencing pain and emotions were never felt before. Some experts in the field of cults and spiritually abusive groups call it “snapping”. A light came on blinding us with the reality that all was not well with our group.
Some of us came to the knowledge of emotionally harmful groups through a professional intervention. We were provided with the facts that we could not in good conscience continue on in our group. Some were excommunicated or shunned out of their groups kicked out into the street and the reality was brutal fast and the seemingly cold cruel world overwhelming. The large number of us walked out. We could not reason with the leadership. What they were teaching did not line of with the teachings our religion or traditions. We were seeing abuse, crazed behavior justified “in the name of God”. The media was doing exposes on our former group. The leadership would somehow minimize our concerns or shut us down in shame by saying we were rebellious or had doubts. We were exhausted trying to keep up with all the demands the groups and the beliefs. Our gut level instincts told something was amiss. We started to look for answers, sought experts in our groups, met with those had knowledge of mind control and spiritual abuse. Gradually or suddenly all the denial came crashing down and the reality of what we were involved came to the fore like a tidal wave. It seemed our higher power flipped a switch. The denial and the fog was off. The blinding reality was flipped on. The descriptions may not have applied to us exactly. What ever our situation WE WERE OUT AND WE COULD NOT GO BACK.
The big question after the shocked subsided was “where do we go from here?”. A social worker, expert in the field, advised us to expect anything emotionally. The grieving cycle came into play: denial, shock, depression, anger, shame, feelings of betrayal and violation. We thought we were going to go insane and be locked up. Some of us had to take time off to work through the pain. It simply demanded our attention. We told that “this too shall pass” It will get better, even though it did not feel like it at the time.
This is not happening. We were still dreaming, were we not? How could this happen to us? Professionals in grief counseling taught us that this was natural defense mechanism that our bodies have to protect us from the shock.
For some the depression was unbearable. We were exhausted and needed to take care of ourselves. One former member was so abused and traumatized, that all he could do was watch cartoons on TV. It was as much as he could handle. We needed the time to recuperate.
As we came to term how the leadership abused and deceived us, we were enraged. Many of us were frightened with feelings of enraged murderous revenge. We had visions of our groups being firebombed. We were violated and we wanted revenge. How could they do that to us? We cursed our higher power. We were hurt and we were violated. We knew our values would not allow us to engage in such behavior. We still had to work through the anger. We talked to other former members. We went to our meetings. Some found it helpful to seek out professional help. Many of out kept journals and wrote down our feelings of anger and rage. Some took it out on a punching bag. Some wrote letters to their leaders telling them their feelings, but did not mail them. We cried.
There would reasons too numerous to list why we were angry, but that was where we were. We heard that it was alright to be angry as long as we did not hurt ourselves and others. Anger was part and parcel of the recovery process. Eventually we became seasoned with dealing with the feelings of anger. Issues that prompted feelings of anger would revisit us from time to time. We understood the anger and the durations became shorter as time went on.
There was also a frustration of adjusting to the brave new world foisted upon us. Many of us felt lonely and suddenly unwanted. We felt like the Maytag repairman. We missed our friends and each night that a weekly event was held, we felt lonely. We suddenly felt like Rip Van Winkle, sleeping away the years in our groups. The friends we left when joined our destructive groups grew up, graduated, got married and had families. The world went on, seemingly without us. It seemed we could empathize with prisoners of war. We seemed to have joined them for a stint in cultic jug. We think how much of our lives were wasted and gone. How would we ever replace all those wasted years? The time warp was disorienting.
There was also a frustration of trying to find people who could understand our plight. The usual remedies were suddenly cyanide to us. We were told to go to church. We were told to straighten up, “It is only a phase, you’ll get over it” Many of us were financial straights and referred to the gospel mission. We felt like we had given up drinking and told that a little wine would not hurt us. We no longer had our former groups telling us how to live. Now we had to learn how to live on our own. Finances, cooking, housekeeping, looking for work and learning to live on our own became Herculean tasks.
Parents and friends could not understand how somebody as smart as us could get involved in such a group and should have known better. Professional counselors misdiagnosed our condition. Libraries and bookstore did not have titles on our condition. We knew if we had a rare disease, we could contact the “rare disease society”; why was there not a group for us? Eventually we found a fellowship, organized or otherwise who give the experience, strength and hoped we craved. In time we got answers, or the ability to live life in spite of unanswered questions.
A bizarre issue which frightened many us was our sexual feelings. Some were taught that was sinful. Others in their group had frequent sexual encounters as part of their group experience. Once out of our groups, our sexuality spun out of control. Some were sexually abused and had feelings of shame and betrayal. Some would have like to lock themselves up in a hermitage. They had had enough. Others, who came out of sexually repressed groups find their hormones reeling out of control. Many of us wanted to sexually act out with anyone or anything that would entice. Even utility poles sounded appealing. One woman after leaving her group, out of loneliness wanted to date every man in her path. As we talked with other former members, we found we were not “terminally unique” and it was part and parcel of the withdrawal process. We were relieved were not going crazy and that God would not send lightening bolts our way. Eventually even this subsided.
The pain was unbearable. We wish we could end it all. Some wished God would come and take us away from it. We were experiencing feelings never felt before. Nevertheless we had to move forward and we did. We grabbed on to whatever little shred of faith we could muster. All we had to do was recover one day at a time. We also found a fellowship of men and women who were in the same boat. Even though we may have booked a cruise on the Titanic, we found a group of survivors to help along the road of recovery. We found a fellowship who would listen and share their experience, strength and hope. We found a safe place of refuge. We were going to get better
STEP 1: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE: WITHDRAWAL
Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over our spiritual abuse - that our lives had become unmanageable.
So here we were. Lost, confused, and not knowing where to go. To many of us it seemed our whole world had come to an end. We were numb. One person described it as a brick wall hit him—head, stomach, and kidneys all at the same time. This was the feeling when all the dreams and hopes our groups were like the emperor’s new clothes which were nothing but the latest in Fruit of the Loom. We were experiencing pain and emotions were never felt before. Some experts in the field of cults and spiritually abusive groups call it “snapping”. A light came on blinding us with the reality that all was not well with our group.
Some of us came to the knowledge of emotionally harmful groups through a professional intervention. We were provided with the facts that we could not in good conscience continue on in our group. Some were excommunicated or shunned out of their groups kicked out into the street and the reality was brutal fast and the seemingly cold cruel world overwhelming. The large number of us walked out. We could not reason with the leadership. What they were teaching did not line of with the teachings our religion or traditions. We were seeing abuse, crazed behavior justified “in the name of God”. The media was doing exposes on our former group. The leadership would somehow minimize our concerns or shut us down in shame by saying we were rebellious or had doubts. We were exhausted trying to keep up with all the demands the groups and the beliefs. Our gut level instincts told something was amiss. We started to look for answers, sought experts in our groups, met with those had knowledge of mind control and spiritual abuse. Gradually or suddenly all the denial came crashing down and the reality of what we were involved came to the fore like a tidal wave. It seemed our higher power flipped a switch. The denial and the fog was off. The blinding reality was flipped on. The descriptions may not have applied to us exactly. What ever our situation WE WERE OUT AND WE COULD NOT GO BACK.
The big question after the shocked subsided was “where do we go from here?”. A social worker, expert in the field, advised us to expect anything emotionally. The grieving cycle came into play: denial, shock, depression, anger, shame, feelings of betrayal and violation. We thought we were going to go insane and be locked up. Some of us had to take time off to work through the pain. It simply demanded our attention. We told that “this too shall pass” It will get better, even though it did not feel like it at the time.
This is not happening. We were still dreaming, were we not? How could this happen to us? Professionals in grief counseling taught us that this was natural defense mechanism that our bodies have to protect us from the shock.
For some the depression was unbearable. We were exhausted and needed to take care of ourselves. One former member was so abused and traumatized, that all he could do was watch cartoons on TV. It was as much as he could handle. We needed the time to recuperate.
As we came to term how the leadership abused and deceived us, we were enraged. Many of us were frightened with feelings of enraged murderous revenge. We had visions of our groups being firebombed. We were violated and we wanted revenge. How could they do that to us? We cursed our higher power. We were hurt and we were violated. We knew our values would not allow us to engage in such behavior. We still had to work through the anger. We talked to other former members. We went to our meetings. Some found it helpful to seek out professional help. Many of out kept journals and wrote down our feelings of anger and rage. Some took it out on a punching bag. Some wrote letters to their leaders telling them their feelings, but did not mail them. We cried.
There would reasons too numerous to list why we were angry, but that was where we were. We heard that it was alright to be angry as long as we did not hurt ourselves and others. Anger was part and parcel of the recovery process. Eventually we became seasoned with dealing with the feelings of anger. Issues that prompted feelings of anger would revisit us from time to time. We understood the anger and the durations became shorter as time went on.
There was also a frustration of adjusting to the brave new world foisted upon us. Many of us felt lonely and suddenly unwanted. We felt like the Maytag repairman. We missed our friends and each night that a weekly event was held, we felt lonely. We suddenly felt like Rip Van Winkle, sleeping away the years in our groups. The friends we left when joined our destructive groups grew up, graduated, got married and had families. The world went on, seemingly without us. It seemed we could empathize with prisoners of war. We seemed to have joined them for a stint in cultic jug. We think how much of our lives were wasted and gone. How would we ever replace all those wasted years? The time warp was disorienting.
There was also a frustration of trying to find people who could understand our plight. The usual remedies were suddenly cyanide to us. We were told to go to church. We were told to straighten up, “It is only a phase, you’ll get over it” Many of us were financial straights and referred to the gospel mission. We felt like we had given up drinking and told that a little wine would not hurt us. We no longer had our former groups telling us how to live. Now we had to learn how to live on our own. Finances, cooking, housekeeping, looking for work and learning to live on our own became Herculean tasks.
Parents and friends could not understand how somebody as smart as us could get involved in such a group and should have known better. Professional counselors misdiagnosed our condition. Libraries and bookstore did not have titles on our condition. We knew if we had a rare disease, we could contact the “rare disease society”; why was there not a group for us? Eventually we found a fellowship, organized or otherwise who give the experience, strength and hoped we craved. In time we got answers, or the ability to live life in spite of unanswered questions.
A bizarre issue which frightened many us was our sexual feelings. Some were taught that was sinful. Others in their group had frequent sexual encounters as part of their group experience. Once out of our groups, our sexuality spun out of control. Some were sexually abused and had feelings of shame and betrayal. Some would have like to lock themselves up in a hermitage. They had had enough. Others, who came out of sexually repressed groups find their hormones reeling out of control. Many of us wanted to sexually act out with anyone or anything that would entice. Even utility poles sounded appealing. One woman after leaving her group, out of loneliness wanted to date every man in her path. As we talked with other former members, we found we were not “terminally unique” and it was part and parcel of the withdrawal process. We were relieved were not going crazy and that God would not send lightening bolts our way. Eventually even this subsided.
The pain was unbearable. We wish we could end it all. Some wished God would come and take us away from it. We were experiencing feelings never felt before. Nevertheless we had to move forward and we did. We grabbed on to whatever little shred of faith we could muster. All we had to do was recover one day at a time. We also found a fellowship of men and women who were in the same boat. Even though we may have booked a cruise on the Titanic, we found a group of survivors to help along the road of recovery. We found a fellowship who would listen and share their experience, strength and hope. We found a safe place of refuge. We were going to get better