Healthy Bonding

[ninaspirit]

I am looking for articles on healthy bonding in relationships after abuse. Does anyone have a title, video or web site they wouldn't mind sharing? Thanks C....

[agapeluv]

ninaspirit---I wish I could help you with this. Have you tryed typing it on a search. GOOD LUCK. hopefully someone else can be of better help to you than I am. <<<smiles>>>

[ninaspirit]

ninaspirit---I wish I could help you with this. Have you tryed typing it on a search. GOOD LUCK. hopefully someone else can be of better help to you than I am. <<<smiles>>>

it's something that doesn't seem to get covered much. at least not on the web. I'll do a search at amazon, see what turns up. Also a post by Reg - on Hiding from Internal Detachment - he mentioned a book "Hiding from Love" - will look that up as well. and would welcome any other suggestions.

sometimes it seems there is a window of "bonding with God/Jesus" then detachment kicks in again. but will keep exploring and keep searching. Thanks.

[Carmen]

Hi Ninaspirit,

Found some stuff:

Bonding

Search: Bonding Relationships after Abuse

Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children: How Abuse and Neglect in Childhood Impact Social and Emotional Development
Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. Duane Runyan, Ph.D. Carrie Sturges
http://www.childtrauma.org/ctamaterials/bonding.asp

Search: Bonding Relationships Adults

Renewing Marriage and Other Intimate Relationships
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/improve_relationships.htm
Chapter 2: Staying Calm and Centered in Marriage and Other Love Relationships
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/emotions_feelings_inner_balance.htm

Search: Bonding Relationships Adults abused

Amazon:

Baby > Books, Music & More > Books for Parents > Family Relationships > Dysfunctional Relationships
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/browse/-/15355461/103-4143455-4711845

Search: Healthy bonding after abuse Recovery -sexual -child –substance

Healthy Relationships Alleviate
Depression and Prevent Relapse
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/depression/related/self_help_2.asp
Overcoming Depression
and Finding Happiness By Chuck T. Falcon
Counseling Psychologist, Author
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/depression/treatment/therapy/article_overcoming_depression.asp

Search: healthy relationships after abuse -child -children -alcohol –substance

am i in a healthy relationship? how to build a healthy relationship
http://www.ppnyc.org/new/img/healthy_relations.pdf


Amazon:
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing [DOWNLOAD: MICROSOFT READER] Beverly Engel
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B000094B3N/103-7073084-1513428?v=glance
"Engel doesn t just describe she shows us the way out." Susan Forward, author of Emotional Blackmail Praise for the emotionally abusive relationship "In this book, Beverly Engel clearly and with caring offers step-by-step strategies to stop emotional abuse. . . helping both victims and abusers to identify the patterns of this painful and traumatic type of abuse. This book is a guide both for individuals and for couples stuck in the tragic patterns of emotional abuse." Marti Loring, Ph.D.,...

Ingredients to a healthy relationship
http://www.takecareonline.org/healthy_relationship.htm


Hope the links work - I pasted everything in Word and then here in one block. If the links don't work then just copy and paste into the search window.

Carmen

[ninaspirit]

Thanks Carmen, that will give me plenty to search.

I did order Hiding from Love book and the workbook - looking forward to their arrival. In the meantime I'll get busy with checking out your references. Thanks again. C....

[Willow]

I'm re-reading Hiding from Love now. Just pulled it off my bookshelf a day ago.

[ninaspirit]

Hi Willow,

How is the read going? I read the first few pages of Hiding from Love at amazon and thought the book is a must read. My books should be here in about 8 days. :) C...

[Willow]

Well... I only got a couple of pages read so far. I have a hard time sitting still long enough to read! It did help me understand myself the first time I read it. I forgot a bunch of stuff and when Reg put the title here, I remembered I had it on my bookshelf and pulled it back out again.

[ninaspirit]

While I'm waiting for my book, some thoughts that are running on the brain re- detachment and confidence.

This week has been a bit overwhelming thinking on "detachment." I wrote out some information about my childhood and realized I've been there several times before. So that left me thinking why am I doing this. The more I think about my detached parts the more depressed I get and feel less capable then I did 5 minutes before so I decided to think about another aspect:

Just some whirly thoughts going through:

I have lived detached all my life. literally. Why is it so hard now? Alienation, abandonment, trauma, etc. - emotionally and physically since infant - some areas never stimulated to grow or become strong enough to interact with others. and maybe never will. splitting - more detached. sucks.

Is it important to try to rebuild inner attachment? - a simulated bonding??? If relationships are not available for this rebuilding are there other ways to feel I belong. The bonding that wasn't available when I was an infant - do others find ways to stimulate this kind of growth? What are the chances? So many relationships over the years - they come and go - and then there's another detachment.

Some talk about grounding - in most cases that is using objects - floor, chair, focus and guided thinking - it is still not connecting with others. grounding is useful for self but more is needed.

When did this detachment not bother me? When I felt confident that I can do for myself. When I wasn't as afraid of people.

What is the need?
- To reconnect with people in person in meaningful ways.
- To become a more confident person again.

Can a detached person attach? Is it better to find things in life that build confidence? Stirring the pot.

[Willow]

Lots of questions... not many answers. Baby steps... one step forward... two steps back. Three steps forward... 2 steps back. Leaves me about where I started. However... I continue to step out into things that are mildly uncomfortable... and stay in them a few seconds longer each time. I let myself have plenty of time alone and space away from people. I am a loner by nature. But don't mistake a loner for someone who doesn't care about people. Maybe this loner cares too much? It seems that when I'm alone is the only time I can really let down the guard. My energy is refreshed when I'm alone because I'm not constantly tuning into other people's feelings and experiences. I like perfect quiet. You don't hear music in my house very often.... although I am a music fanatic. The television is on only when I want to watch. Otherwise, quiet is the rule when I am alone.

That's just the stuff off the top of my head that happened when I read your post. Very though provoking... thank you.

Amy

[ninaspirit]

Lots of questions... not many answers. Baby steps... one step forward... two steps back. Three steps forward... 2 steps back. Leaves me about where I started. However... I continue to step out into things that are mildly uncomfortable... and stay in them a few seconds longer each time. I let myself have plenty of time alone and space away from people. I am a loner by nature. But don't mistake a loner for someone who doesn't care about people. Maybe this loner cares too much? It seems that when I'm alone is the only time I can really let down the guard. My energy is refreshed when I'm alone because I'm not constantly tuning into other people's feelings and experiences. I like perfect quiet. You don't hear music in my house very often.... although I am a music fanatic. The television is on only when I want to watch. Otherwise, quiet is the rule when I am alone.

That's just the stuff off the top of my head that happened when I read your post. Very though provoking... thank you.

Amy

Hi Willow, I am the same way about quiet and tv on only for watching. and time alone. although I enjoy being with others but have difficulty connecting.

Think I'm in a low after the doctor letters and all, which I think is normal. No response yet and don't really expect any for a bit. Some times I think I should take a leave of absence from my job or quit altogether - but don't think the latter will resolve anything in my gut. Still finding it hard to focus and reconnect in other areas. Maybe its just a bout of anxiety that will pass. hopefully.

Thanks for your thoughts. C....

[Carmen]

While I'm waiting for my book, some thoughts that are running on the brain re- detachment and confidence.

When did this detachment not bother me? When I felt confident that I can do for myself. When I wasn't as afraid of people.

What is the need?
- To reconnect with people in person in meaningful ways.
- To become a more confident person again.

Can a detached person attach? Is it better to find things in life that build confidence? Stirring the pot.
Hi Ninas,

Getting married and having kids helped bring me out of my shell a bit. I was an only child (sister died very early) with an alcoholic dad, both parents worked all day. Either I spent almost all of my free time in my room reading or at other friend's houses - but they had their own familial problems too. I see a LOT of youth that hang out in the bitter cold here, I kept asking Hubby why they don't hang out at home, even with the problems at home while I was growing up I had friends over sometimes. He said that maybe things are so bad at home that they'd rather be out in the cold.

Having a family forced me to be less selfish and more open. It was worth the experience, although it hasn't been easy and isn't right now. I think it has taught me a lot, so that I can get out and meet others, too. At least I have lots of acquaintances that are friendly to me. Making friends here in Italy is harder than it was in Germany, people are less trusting. I really make an effort to have people over, at least for coffee or tea, but it was so much easier in Germany. At least in this area of Italy, everyone is busy, on the run, and overplanned with appointments. They tell me that it is not that way in the south. I try to take it easy when I can, it is just that everyone else is too busy to do it with me.

I'd be more confident with a job, but then too busy to do what I think is more important. Doing useful things brings confidence. I talked to a therapist that was connected to one of the kindergartens my daughter attended. He also took care of children that were lagging behind in their emotional development. He taught them woodworking as a way for them to feel that they were doing something useful. They worked on individual and group projects. They had short-term and long-term projects. He taught them to make things they and others could use. They became more confident in themselves, felt useful, and caught up with their peers - not overnight of course. They learned to follow directions, to work together, that building things was better than destroying them, the value of something that was handmade, patience because constructing things by hand takes a while, to appreciate other's property and talents, to appreciate themselves.

Another man I knew that was also a social worker had lived with American Indians for awhile, he taught his charges how to make bow and arrows by hand, how to decorate them, and other things out of leather. His education had the same effect as the woodworking. The problem teens became more confident in themselves and had learned patience and other skills besides.

Most of those kids and the ones the other man took care of came from problem families, and had only played with pre-fabricated toys or nearly nothing at all, just watched tv. Even video games can impart a sense of triumph, but only while playing them, afterwards you may have 10,000 points, but nothing in the hand to show for it. The children had never been taught to imagine, had never learned to make their toys using natural objects, had never learned to construct anything. They didn't know that they could. Their sense of self improved, and they were able to associate better with their peers. That did not solve their family problems, but they were better able to deal with them afterward.

After meeting these people I learned basket-making, woodworking and leatherwork and beading(Indian-style). Before I had already learned some pottery, I still use some things I made years ago. I have made useful things for myself, my kids, my husband, other relatives, and even the cat - a big cat tree that is all hers and that she uses. Even when I am not making things, I know that I can, and that gives a sense of confidence and personal power for lack of a better term. More self-confidence gives you more confidence to connect, I think.

[ninaspirit]

Thank you Carmen for sharing your experiences and what you've seen in your journey that worked. I am a craft/hobby person and believe I can do those things.

I am struggling with memory loss which has become more so after the letters, starting to relax and not feeling shock but not remembering - woke during the night with chunks of memory gone which seemed to correct itself in a few hours after getting up and putzing around - which seems to make the detachment worse - anyways maybe thats something to take up with a pdoc.

Again thanks for taking the time to respond, sincerely. C.....