Patty

[jane]

To Jane:
Why did you get "booted" from church? I am curious, because that happened to us as well.

It is a long answer that I have to your question..... we actually left two churches that were spiritually abusive. The second church story is quicker, so I'll share that one first.

When we finally left our church we believed that we had to be in another church, under a covering....if not than we would fall away from the Lord and be devoured by Satan...so we searched and searched.

On the internet we found a site about Calvary Chapel- what we read sounded good. My husband visited a local one by himself, I just wasn't ready. That day they played the hymn that I walked down the aisle to marry him..."In the Garden". The group was very small and the read the sermons right from the bible. We ached to hear from the bible after years and years of listening to sermons that were not necessarily lined up with the bible at all. So we started going.

The pastor also did not take a salary, he worked...quoted scripture about Paul working and not taking from the people. He said that the money collected was to feed the hungary, widows etc... New concept to us.

About a month into this, the pastor who my husband was just getting to know, announces that he is leaving to California (God is calling them home), introduces us to a man (and his family) from the south who answered his ads to take over this small group. Because we are new, we get assigned to get to know the new couple.

To make a long story short, the new couple is extremely dysfunctional and not going to make it in new england with their backwoods beliefs. They were racist (said outright that the current pastor and his wife couldn't have children because the man was white and the woman mexican; God doesn't bless mix race marriages :eek: ) sexist, and a whole lot of other things that around here are illegal (and certainly not christ like).

This couple gossips against the current pastor, triangulates against them by calling their elders in the south and lies.....

So the current pastor who had the support of the people one day announces that the leadership from the powers that be tell him to hand over the church to the new couple (even though it was agreed upon that it wouldn't happen until they sold their house and the church transitionned to the new couple).

The church is in an outcry (it had only been a month since they even knew the pastor was leaving) and split in front of our eyes.

It was perhaps the most horrible thing that I ever saw. One new young family went with the new pastor, everyone else was yelling, crying, screaming, swearing, and well, it was an interesting day of worship:rolleyes: .

A month or two later, a couple that followed the old pastor said that GOd changed his mind, this couple was staying; they left the Calvary Chapel covering and started a new non-denominational church. We visited. The pastor continued to make a relationship with my husband. I couldn't stand it. I went to try to keep us a family on Sunday. The pastor was a cabinet maker by trade.

We are building a dream we call Hannah's Haven. We bought a 6 bedroom fixer upper on a little land to take in special need's foster children.

Long story short, we hired him to redo our kitchen. Paid him the money for supplies, and half the labor....later gave him more money for the labor....

He disappeared.

Took all our money and my kitchen is in a shambles.

We started small claims proceedings a few months back, got the registered letter back that they moved and left no forwarding address.


So, we have no money left for our project, open cabinets, counter tops that arent stable and so on.

I have returned to work to help us get out of the red....and for my 5 year old's special needs that are expensive.

Today I don't trust them that call them selves pastors and keep our money in our own wallets. (even Christ said not to call anyone father, right?)

This was the second church.

The first one is more painful.


love,
jane

[jane]

The first church we left....

where to begin?

the first day that I visited I should have known......

but then hindsight is so much clearer.

well, in general; we attended a small church that rented a hall. The worship was modern; guitars on stage with keyboards. Meeting in small groups seemed nice. The vision statement for the church was to reach out to the homeless, the single parnets, the disabled....right up my social working alley. I live for Isaiah 58- to feed the hungary; clothe the naked; set free the oppressed.....

then you develop relationships. The interconnectedness to people can make it difficult to separate when things are starting to go a little bit "off".

We built a new building- with a "spirit of excellance" I might add. We were trained for leadership which was a coveted idol with this group.

The pastors family was the "core leadership". His mother in law the church administrator....his brother in law was the only elder....you get the picture. A few "yes men" deacons.

Sermons started being less about Jesus.....and more like prominent people who help you feel empowered....he would tack on bible scriptures in places to make it line up with scripture.....

I really don't know when things started to change- perhaps they were always "off" but we missed it as long as we were the "in crowd".

The pastor's mother in law was like a mom to me. She was my made of honor. That elder's wife- the pastor's wife's sister- was my best friend. The elder walked me down the aisle to my husband. My husband and I were chosen for a "special" training. We were apart of a select few that were trained to run the entire church. He was going to send us to church plant when he raised up pastors to send out. So while planning a wedding, integrating my 10 year old son to a new step father, starting a new job, doing all the ministries that we were part or leaders of, we now had to study the bible at incredible speeds- intern as leaders of every ministry in the church (and not as a couple- they divided us).... so our schedules became taxed and we became stressed.

Then I miscarried. The response I got from the prayer team was abusive to say the lest. Trying to grieve the loss--- well, there wasn't much time.

Then I gave birth to Caleb who by around 1 years old, his head stopped growing. We entered the world of a special needs child- after a series of diagnostic testing- which wore us out and an uncertain future we were pretty stressed. I left my employment to become a stay at home mom with him. Our income was cut in half.

Still serving.

Still hearing from the prayer team that we needed more faith.

Then my husband fell ill. High fevers, hallucinating....and so in the middle of our medical search for Caleb's needs- we were living in a house that we had just bought that should have been condemned- rennovating it- my husband was hospitalized with an infection that was not responding to antibiotics. The red was climbing up his legs. They said that if it hit an organ it was 90 something percent fatal.

pastor never visited the hospitals...some line about people thinking that it is in the pastor's job description but that it wasnt'. his wife visited which was more than what they did for other sick people I later found out. We must've been special :eek: .

Then he somewhat recovers, they discharge him. He returns to work and the building of our dream, Hannah's Haven.

An electrician in church barters with us, I babysit, he does electricity. Find out later he got a drug problem that comes and gos.... apparently it came in the middle of doing our work. We bought all the stuff he told us to get- a couple hundred dollars worth- and he felt led by God not to finish the job.

The plumber came...yup from our church. Paid him a discount of $50 an hour- he eventually was the only one we have ever hired to finish the work well but after coming out, opening a pipe wrongly by accident- I couldn't use the kitchen sink drain. Had to wash dishes in the tub :eek:

He was too busy to come out for over a year. Then he fixed it all and did everything that he started and didn't charge extra, gave us a little discount when he realized the drain was his mistake.

During this time, got pregnant and lost another baby. This time later and had to bring the unborn child in for an autopsy.

While going for a D&C because some peice was left and got infected- a close friend that was like a sister to me called child welfare on me. Thought my husband was beating me is why I lost two babies.

So, while depressed, still struggling with Caleb's medical problems, my husband returned to the hospital with another infection now DCF is at my doorstep investigating my whole life.

just a note- I am a social worker who lives to help in the child welfare system. I know how they can see things that don't look right and make wrong decisions plus I was a foster child. THis triggered me so badly that my post traumatic stress from my childhood that was healed returned. After loosing two babies I was convinced that they were going to take my Caleb- and my life within child welfare was over.

AND oh yeah, while loosing the baby, the head of the prayer team on the phone told me that she was no longer going to pray for medical issues with us, our problem was lack of faith. God told her not to pray for medical issues anymore that if we believed HE would heal us.

I guess that the people that I was close too couldn't handle any more of our problems.

We went from being a pillar in the church, leading others, giving financially, helping, and so on to being very needy very quickly.

I say that our problems started when we bought this freaking house- but that is just coincidence.


There is more but this is enough for now. I need a break. It was a traumatic couple of years for us but I am glad that those years are over.

Some would say that God sent trials to grow us.

I would say that we were dealt a few cards of life that were difficult and people who we were strong for couldn't handle our pain.

more later.

love,
jane

[Patty]

Wow, except for a few details, our stories could be one in the same. We also went from one abusive church (cult?) to another. From reading posts on this site, it just goes to show you that we are not alone, nor are we crazy for being caught up in this horrible deception. It is unfortunately, so much more common than we think. When it all first happened to us, I had never heard of any such thing occuring in a church. It was such a shock, a punch to my gut that even still lingers to this day. All I know is that through it all, I have become much more acutely aware of my own need for a Savior.

[jjc9497]

Jane, your story horrifies me, that anyone Christian or not, could be so cruel. But I know from personal experience that Christians can be as bad as anyone else--but it sure hurts worse because we don't expect it.

I at least feel like I'm starting to recognize and SEE the red flags so I can get out quickly. I used to ignore the red flags--that black and white thinking--so if someone (pastor, etc) was on my "good list" I couldn't (or wouldn't) see the bad. I think that's why I got so blindsided. I finally figured out (at my age) that all people are good and bad---just got to look for the ones at the good end of the spectrum and keep an eye out for the bad--because it's always there somewhere.