is ok

[ninaspirit]

we don't fit in here guys. you are all great people. awesome. but we don't fit in here. :) :( bye n......... C....... is ok.

[Hope 98]

NO NO NO!!

Ninas & C, you are one of the most amazing people who post here. Please don't go.

If you feel like you don't fit - maybe we could adjust!!!

Please!

[SpinningHead]

we don't fit in here guys. you are all great people. awesome. but we don't fit in here. :) :( bye n......... C....... is ok.

I don't feel that way about you at all! You fit in just fine with me!!

Please reconsider! This forum would not be the same without you! :(

[ninaspirit]

thank you spinninghead and hope but really how we are is difficult and awkward for people and for us. it is hard for us knowing how we can talk with people how we are. and it is hard for people knowing what to say to us. it is exhausting trying and trying. it is nobodys fault. we dont' think people should have to change for us. we can't change for them how we are. is how it is. right. is why they make differnt groups for keping differnt people with differnt people.

our outside person tried saying to a outside friend where we live aobut DID.

not even saying about us. just DID. but she wanted to say how DID helps her

have a conection with God. so 14 who is our conection with God was at the

top. the friend said - I can't understand that. I can't understand that. I can't

understand that - She walked away and made herself real busy so she couldn't

hear our outside person so our outside person stoped trying. 14 fell to the

botom and we didn't hear from her since. we saw her friend walk away from

her like she was scared. it is a freind who wanted our outside person to be

at that church we were trying. well we didn't go back since then either. and

she stoped asking. we are not wanting that. to scare people. we just wanted

people talking with us. is all. but it scares people how we are inside. we don't

know how to mak our words so people can talk back with us. we think we scare

people. and makes it awkward. we don't think we can kep watching that hapen.

it makes us fel lik a monster. it is ok. we have a board where people who have

insiders do talk with us. and we can talk with them. we just miss talking with

other people to. and our big person still needs other people to. just so much

changed this year for our big person. and she tries hard for being acepted but

some times it is to awkward how we are for her. so that is why we are deciding

not to be here. is ok. ninas.

[SpinningHead]

If you give me a chance, I promise I won't be scared. And if you feel you would like to explain something, I promise to hear you. I can understand if you need more support from others like you and support that decision, but I hope you won't disregard us altogether.

I'm sure there are others here who would express similar sentiments.

[ninaspirit]

If you give me a chance, I promise I won't be scared. And if you feel you would like to explain something, I promise to hear you. I can understand if you need more support from others like you and support that decision, but I hope you won't disregard us altogether.

I'm sure there are others here who would express similar sentiments.


we don't know how we can say things so people can talk with us. we need some time for deciding. it is to back and forth right now. one day yes, next day no. C.... says not a good thing. so we have to make a space for now.

thanks spinninghead. we are glad you wouldn't be scared of us. and we will try to remember that so we can come back. ninas.

[Willow]

Ninas... you don't scare me... I feel very safe with you. I hope you stay... please don't leave!

[Hope 98]

I'm not scared.

I don't understand as well as I'd like to, but I WANT to understand. I'm not afraid to listen and I really like the way that you express yourself. You're very gentle and wise.

If you need to stay away for a while to take care of yourself, I think we can all understand that. Most of us have done that at one time or another.

But we WILL be praying for you and missing you.

OK?

[jane]

don't fit in here???


of course you do!

love,
jane

[Satscout]

if you have to take a break, that's ok... but know that you all are loved here and would be missed if you didn't come back.

Courage, dear hearts!

*safe hugs*

ps... if you see 14... tell her I understand what it feels like to have someone block you out because they are scared and don't want to understand. It reeks. :( :( :(

[mstar]

Hey Ninas. You don't scare me either. You seem to be a kind open person.

Web relationships can be difficult, particulary one like this site, that is designed to be a place to vent from abuse, but hopefuly be a part of the healing process.
Dealing with these kind of issues would be difficult anywhere.

I have had to, at times, "back off" that I might reflect, pray, give myself a "check up" concerning my part here. . . am I adding to or being harmful to those here. Am I being honest. Is this where God would have me at this time in my life. Of course this is good to do with any relationship.

My daughter had some good insight concerning web sites and their natural downside. For example, if a life style is such that one is able to be "on line" a good bit, this places this person in a better position to know others quicker and to be known. . .if not possible, it would seem this individual is not as commited to the site. I don't find that here, but have on other sites.

Of course it takes longer to get to know others when you do not actually see them, and exposure will be limited. Instead you read what they have written and writing style can be a plus or minus.

The blessings are there as well. People find others with the same interest quicker as you are able to go to the sites that deal with those interests.

There are just limitations to web relationships. For me, the benefits here far outweigh the limitations. I have been blessed and helped here.

I have enjoyed your posts Ninas, as many here have. I hope you will not leave. If there is a way to improve relationship skills (I'm sure there is) please share. That way we can grow.

Will keep you in prayer. Take care.

[truth]

Ninas,

When I first came here a couple of months ago, I needed to go away for awhile too...I said goodbye (as you are doing) and the others told me that at one point or another they left - or would leave for awhile, too - for whatever their individual reasons---

They told me that when or if I decided to return - I would always be welcome here...

I know that the specific issues that you are dealing with must feel so impossible at times and so frustrating and challenging but - all of that said -- you matter here and --- you do have a translator - the Holy Spirit - I always see someone reply to you and connect and identify with what you say---- the last writing you shared particularly spoke to my spirit and helped me alot...

So don't ever worry - God will always make a way for you here - with you and us - and we will understand each other ---

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, God Bless You, Ninas!

truth

[Voyager]

we don't know how we can say things so people can talk with us
You do a great job of saying things Ninas. I always understand your posts, and they are very inspiring. You have helped me learn more about DID. I appreciate your being a member of this forum - that goes for all of you!!!

:cool:

[butterfly]

:) Ninas, You and c have so much support here. I get so much from what you post.
I know how c feels when people don"t understand DID and walk away scard.
Because of Ninas I felt safe enough to say I am DID also.I wasn"t for sure how the people here would treat someone like us here.
I have seen love , compassion and friendship towards you.
If someone needs help understanding DID I am willing to share.
We are not freaks nor monsters. We are woman who were abused when we were children. We had to go away if we didn"t then I don"t realey know what would of happen to us. I thank God for all inside me. If it was not for them to hold the abuses we would not be a whole human being.
God used DID to save me and I feel everone who has DID.
It is real

[butterfly]

I forgot to say Ninas that alot of my SA was because of my DID and depression. Living with it is hell. I know Jesus died for all of me inside and out.
I know ninas and c have to choose if you will stay here.
I just hope you all do. I gave you my email address in a Pm. Always feel free to email me. If you need the address again PM me ok. I can"t beleave that I am sharing like this about my DID. Its like Lord is saying it is time.
You don"t know how much I fought with in myself to admit my DID here.
I did it to reach out to Ninas and c. Your not alone. butterfly

[Willow]

Shirley isn't alone either :)

[SpinningHead]

Dear Ninas & Shirley,

I really want to say this but I'm afraid you won't feel that my heart is in the right place and my intentions are good. So I'm going to take a chance...

I want to tell you that I've read a few autobiographies of DID people...all of which were very educational and have made me feel deep empathy, pain, joy along with a very wide range of emotions including admiration. I really don't want that to sound condesending. I really want to somehow tell you that I don't want you to go completely, I'd like the opportunity to know you better and understand more about what you experience and get to know all who make up your person. I mean that in a safe way. I've really gotten so much out of your posts and your sharing has meant a lot.

Maybe I'm just being selfish to want you to know that?? Is that ok for you to know?

I hope & pray that there's a lot of blessings of abudance for you in the new year. :)

[Kerrin]

:) Ninas, You and c have so much support here. I get so much from what you post.
I know how c feels when people don"t understand DID and walk away scard.
Because of Ninas I felt safe enough to say I am DID also.I wasn"t for sure how the people here would treat someone like us here.
I have seen love , compassion and friendship towards you.
If someone needs help understanding DID I am willing to share.
We are not freaks nor monsters. We are woman who were abused when we were children. We had to go away if we didn"t then I don"t realey know what would of happen to us. I thank God for all inside me. If it was not for them to hold the abuses we would not be a whole human being.
God used DID to save me and I feel everone who has DID.
It is real

((((((((Shirley)))))))) (((((((Ninas)))))))
Yes God is using you and you both are extraordinary , and VERY brave!!!!
I hope you all stay, I could use some education in the compassion department!!!:o
We need you here.
Much love and prayers,
Kerrin;)

[butterfly]

:) Thank you Amy I am not alone. I have two close friends I meet in a DID group. There were six to start out three left little while later. So it was my friends and myself who were left. That was 6 years ago. We have been out of group for 4 years.
My therpist had the group. Both of my friends are christians.:D I am thankfull for them. They are safe and we have much in common.
We are the same in some things but different in others. Only I have been SA.


Spinninghead, Thank you and I am not leaving. I don"t like myself much right now for sharing but I will get over it sometime. Yes it is ok to for me to know.:)
I have worked many years recovering from my abuse and blending in the ones inside me. butterfly shirley

[mstar]

OK, I know this sounds really dense and prob is, esp. after what I wrote, but what is DID?

[jane]

ya'll gonna have to correct me but I believe it stands for

dissociative integration disorder AKA multiple personality disorder.

A person who experiences severe trauma can dissociate from themselves by going into a different personality.

There is a range of what that means. I had a foster child that was 17 that was diagnosed with it but she didn't have what they show on t.v.

She would sometimes be really really young, put her hair in poney tails and act like a 5 year old, and sometimes she would dress gothic and get freaky on me, and so on.....it was more extreme than a typical teenager experimenting with their identity...and situations could trigger her to be one or another.

It was explained to me by her doctor that it was like a severe denial process to help them survive....often very sadistic abuse over a series of time. and such was her plight.

I could see where SA would make someone with those issues have even more issues. I didn't address her stuff with our church because of confidentiality but I can see now that if I had they might have tried to cast out demons or something which could in fact create another dissociation.

anyway my 2 cents for all its worth.

jane

[jjc9497]

DID is Dissociative Identity Disorder--formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. It you ever saw the movie Sybil, that is DID. I'm no shrink, but my understanding is that it is a very creative survival mechanism from severe abuse. I think that most people with DID are also considered to be highly intelligent. I think all of us who have experienced childhood abuse have some level of dissociative disorder--I know I do. I am one person at work and another at home and another at church, etc. I just don't lose time--I know I change (sometimes in an instant) from one person to another, but I am aware of it and remember it all. That is just a different level of dissociating. Actually, we all dissociate at times (it's called day dreaming---or driving across town and then you can't remember how you got there). It is a normal thing, it is just extreme for DID.

(((((((Ninas and Shirley))))) If I have misrepresented anything, please correct me. I am not an expert, I just read about DID a lot because I was afraid that was me, too.

I hope you will stay and let us get to know all of you. You do not scare me, you make me want to hold you and comfort all of you (if that is OK and not scary for you). I am glad you have another place on the web that you feel safe, but I hope you will still come here sometimes. Your insights help me and it is easy for me to understand your posts, even when the little ones are talking.

Please do what is best for you, but know that you will be missed if you leave.

[mstar]

Thanks for explaining.
Lord, I was severely abused as a child, maybe I do that too and don't realize it. The abuse would get so bad that like you said, to dislocate would be a blessing.

Anyway,

(((Ninas))) (((Butterfly Shirley))) Love you guys and you sure don't scare me. Bless you and I pray you stay.

[Kerrin]

I just want to add my 'two cents' , as it were , ninas!
I hope you will stay so much............I have, and am, learning so very much from you and Shirley ,and your wonderfully warm hearts!
It's the strength that shines through in all of your posts you know.....You are so brave.
I admire you all!!!
Love
Kerrin:)
P.S sometimes I have 'foot in mouth' so just tell me ok?????;)
Shirley knows don't you? I mean well.;)

[Janice]

Just a quick note,

I talk with Ninas often, even since they posted this and they are alright.

They are simply doing what they need to do for them.

They think the forum is full of wonderful people, they just feel they need to go away for awhile.

We can all understand that, right? :)

[SpinningHead]

Just a quick note,

I talk with Ninas often, even since they posted this and they are alright.

They are simply doing what they need to do for them.

They think the forum is full of wonderful people, they just feel they need to go away for awhile.

We can all understand that, right? :)

Of course I can! :) I'll just miss them a lot. :)

[Hope 98]

Just a quick note,

I talk with Ninas often, even since they posted this and they are alright.

They are simply doing what they need to do for them.

They think the forum is full of wonderful people, they just feel they need to go away for awhile.

We can all understand that, right? :)

Thank you Janice. I'm sure we can all understand that.

Let them know we care about all of them and are praying for them.

She said that she saw DID as a gift, that God was Three in One also, and it made Him better. Religion tends to demonize this condition. I suspect that Ninas are closer to the truth.

Looking forward to when they come back.

[Jerry]

Dear Ninas,C,14,Littles,,,,,,,and Butterfly too
We are not scared of you.....The depth of wisdom and kindness of your posts is an inspiration to me.......14,,,,,,don't be upset too much when some are scared .People that are ignorant scare easy sometimes,,,,,everything scares them not just you ;) I have never been scared by you,,,,,,,When you first came I was scared "FOR YOU" because I didn't want some dumb person telling you bad things.If someone ever comes on here posting bad things to you,,,,I know Voyager,,,,,,Him and I would run them off fast ;) So don't worry for that :D
Love Jerry

[jane]

ummm Jerry,

me thinks you forgot someone:D I'd run them off too........:p


hehehe

jane

[Reg]

I posted this before but it also helps explain DID near the bottom.

I read on page 198 of Dr. John Townsend’s book “Hiding from Love” where it states:

“INTERNAL HIDING FROM DETACHMENT” January 27, 2003

(My Comments)

When our need for attachment, or our “yes muscle,” is injured, we tend to view relationship itself as
the danger. Our ability to trust God and others may have been violated by abandonment, abuse,
detachment, superficial family intimacy, and other injuries.

What gives rise to hiding in this area? The fear of our needy parts will cause our emotional
annihilation. At some level, a person’s ability to reach out emotionally is damaged. We become
certain that if we risk further relationship, at least one of two things will happen: (1) our own needs
and dependencies will engulf and overwhelm us; or (2) others will betray us because of our needs.
(My comment: Because we leave ourselves open, exposed and vulnerable in some of the areas that
have caused us the most pain in the past. Those who were closest to us have betrayed us and hurt us
the most. To go back to that kind of pain is out of the range of our ability to accept it again.)



The overwhelming terror we experience when our unmet needs for connection and our needy parts
come face to face causes tremendously powerful hiding patterns.

(My Comment: As stated above, the terror of ever experiencing that kind of pain is avoided at all
costs. A rape victim never wants to go back to the experience of being raped again. They will run as
far away and as fast as they can from their abuser. For me as a victim of Sp Ab who was
intellectually and spiritually raped, the feelings are just as strong. This may explain why I have such
difficulty in trusting those in Church authority no matter how safe they may be. I have an extremely
difficult time to distinguish the differences of who and who not to trust, because of the subtlety of my
abuse. It’s a bit like knowing how to sort the wheat from the chaff analogy. Those parts of me that
would normally be available to me as it is to others, has been damaged to the point that it no longer
works effectively. It has been disabled because of my abuse. This is the dilemma many of us face as
victims of Sp Ab when we try to integrate into church life again. It is the part that we struggle with so
much, to try to explain our abuse issue to others, hoping they will understand.)

We can identify six styles of internal hiding from attachment: projection, introjection, splitting,
perceived omnipotence, devaluation and hostility.

(Mine are splitting, perceived omnipotence, some devaluation and hostility. Four out of six. It’s no
wonder I have the difficulty I do.)

Black and White Style (Splitting)

Without the ability to make distinctions between ourselves and others, decision-making would be
impossible. Yet a black and white hiding style can be a way to “cut off”, or remove, parts of ourselves
from others who diminish us.

The Fall created a fundamental split in the universe, when we were separated from God, and each
other, by sin. The alienation and isolation caused by this rift in closeness was solved on the cross:

Eph 2:12 Remember that at that time you were without Christ, being aliens (excluded) from the
commonwealth of Israel, and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope, and without
God in the world.
13 But now in Christ Jesus you who were once afar off are made (brought us) near by the blood of
Christ.
14 ¶ For He (Himself) is our peace, He making us both (groups into) one, and [He] has broken down
the middle wall (barrier) of partition (the dividing wall) , (emphasis added)

This description of Christ’s integrating Gentile with Jews gives us the counterpart to splitting. The
antidote to splitting is reconciliation.

For the individual with attachment injuries [me]- love and limits are split. That is, our bonding ability
and our aggressive parts are kept away from each other. We fear that our hatred toward neediness (as
illustrated in self-statements such as “Why don’t you grow up!”) will destroy those injured weak
parts.

Elaine would talk about her own soul this way: “There’s a strong independent Elaine who’s good. But
there’s also a weak clingy Elaine who’s bad.” (Personally, I may have that side to me but have not
acknowledged it yet. One thing I do not want to do, is to be weak or appear to be weak. It leaves me
too vulnerable to exposing myself to further hurt and injury. I do not want to surrender my critical
thinking process to another person again. Admitting weakness to another person I may not have
learned to trust fully yet, opens myself up to being vulnerable and hurt again.)

Elaine spent most of her time trying to keep these two parts away from each other, especially by
keeping “weak Elaine” out of the picture entirely. (Most likely what I have done.) That part of her was
too much trouble. It made her do foolish things like fall in love, get close to the wrong people and get
hurt. (This most likely describes me.)

Another example of splitting in this area of attachment has to do with serious trauma, such as
physical, sexual, emotional, ritualistic (let me add - spiritual) abuse. When people have suffered this
sort of severe injury, it’s common for them to use splitting to a great degree. ( So that helps explain
what I have done without ever knowing it. It is a revelation to me to help explain why I do what I do
that causes me such difficulty in my relationships.)

Sometimes large segments of time, such as the abusive years (29), will be split off from memory
entirely. (I think that has partially occurred with me) And in extreme cases, sometimes the splitting is
a fragmentation of the self into several or many “selves” as in multiple personality disorders.(DID)
(Thankfully it hasn’t gotten to that point with me.)

Splitting protects us from having to remember and reexperience traumatic events that would be too
destructive to handle all the time. It takes years, and a great deal of work, for people with this sort of
background to develop trusting relationships for split-off parts of the soul to come together within
attachments.

[B](That explains it as clearly as I’ve ever seen it described before. It’s like Dr. Townsend has gotten
into my mind to see exactly what’s going on. I find that remarkable. It is one of the largest
breakthroughs in my recovery to date.)

[Willow]

Reg... I actually have that book on my bookshelf at home. It was a fascinating read and I found it quite applicable to me as well.

[ninaspirit]

you are ALL too kind. not even knowing where to start. we are scared. what is all happneing in our head.

we see you are all trying to understand how DID is and we are thankful for that. and for our outsid protectors here - Jerry and Voyager and Jane. and we think some others would too. and Butterfly and Janice are conectors for us in the group. thank you Butterfly and Janice. jjc and Reg you are knowledge because it is true about how we are. we hope that makes sense. differnt parts have differnt memorys. some tims we speak from those parts insid. Doug is a brother for us, uh so we know how a brother is not hurting a sister. hope Doug is not minding we say that here. we don't see him here much. now uh, Willow, Hope, mstar, spinninghead, kerrin, we are mising people, we know it. sorry. You are part of our outside person life. ok we ned a time every day for being in our outsid world. it is part of hope for geting thorough.

jjc and Reg - how you say about DID is prety much how it is for us. (we are sory for how sybil is used for experiements and exploiting even after she is gone - how much tims does she have to split more for all that - let hers rest in peace) Reg you use a word 'soul' when talking about DID - yes. more soul/spirit than brain. it is about relationships and trust and bonding and fear.... (you are right. 14 is a soul part. who is about God. why she fell inside when the friend said she can't understand and shut her down. 14 lives from spirit food if you guys know what that is-riddle- and she starving herselfstop. she says the food is bad. a outsid friend says she is needing verses so she can see she is acepted and come back - some say hide that no. we will not.).... and attachment and not geting attached. detached. hiding. not bonded. not bonded in her baby time. never bonded. everyone we know we split. from others. lik Doug. he is not here right. our head splits him away here. even if we ned to hear from him.we don't want our head to do that. can he help us here. we can't see our friends beign in a same room. that is hard.

insid our head. we are scared. but here you guys are all together. and it gets overwhelming. but our head needs every body togehter. right. our head wants to split all the words and all the peopel so it can't see all them. lots of thoughts. and words for thinking. ways for thinking. we have to read it lots of times for puting things together. and then we are tired.

some where in our posts we wrote how we are inside. so we have a way for working with things. maybe some body saw us there. so you know who we are.

we ned to stop.... we might take breaks som tims still. ninas.

[Willow]

Hi Ninas... Thanks for making me part of your outside person life. I feel honored :)

Willow

[butterfly]

[QUOTE=jjc9497]DID is Dissociative Identity Disorder--formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. It you ever saw the movie Sybil, that is DID.

I have seen Sible and tv talk shows about DID. I do beleave Sybil had DID. The movie I feel didn"t repesent her like she realy was.
I beleave "Sible" was more tv drama than real life.
For the tv talk shows I sit and laugh because that isn"t the way I nor my two friends act. I think these shows are just for tv. Not showing real life DID.
For books if someone writes about themself or a dr. therpist writes about DID then I will beleave that it is true. EXCEPT for the people who say it is not real ect. Or the therpist planted it in our mind along with the memories.
No one could plant my memories. THey have places only I and the abusers have been to. butterfly shirley

[jjc9497]

Thank you for the correction. I really want to understand better.

[butterfly]

:) jjc9497 I forgot to say I was not upset you mention about Sybil. ok :D butterfly shirley

[jjc9497]

I'm glad. I think you and Ninas are very brave to post here and talk about this. It helps me to understand you better. I don't ever want to scare anyone like Ninas was scared.

[SpinningHead]

A really good book that I read that really opened up my compassion was by Dr. Cameron West who is DID himself/himselves...

First Person Plural: My Life as a Multiple

In case anyone is interested.