"Healing Is A Choice"... (REALLY???!!!!??)

[Kerrin]

That is the title of Stephen Arterburn's NEW book!!!!!!
With the rather explosive nature of "that' other thread , and the fact that it has become so long now, a lot has gotten lost along the way, as does tend to happen when a thread drags on..........(often wise to start a new one , me thinks........:rolleyes: )

Anyway, Mr.Arterburn 's world has kinda fallen apart at the seams a bit; and he's honest about it.:(

(There are many books on healing , and it was Jeff's book about Spiritual Abuse which found me here over 12 months ago now....)

For me, this book says it all so well, if not just for the Chapter titles alone
The message is CLEAR!
HEALING is a process, and each of us will recover at a different rate, and in different ways to another!
NONE of us is right or wrong!
NOT ONE of us has the ANSWER .........
Each of us is individual for obvious reasons.
Of course we will rub one another up the wrong way as we stumble along; because no ONE person has the answer to 'Fast track' healing!!!!!!
What we can offer one another is support and a sense of 'community', of belonging, and of BEING UNDERSTOOD in a SAFE way!!!!!

Chapter Titles:
The First Choice: The Choice to Connect Your Life
The First Big Lie: "All I need is just God and me".

The Second Choice: The Choice to Feel for Your Life.
The Second Big Lie: "Real Christians should have a real peace in ALL circumstances"

The Third Choice: The Choice to Investigate Your Life in search of Truth.
The Third Big Lie: IT Does NO Good to Look Back or Inside"

The Fourth Choice:The Choice to Heal Your Future.
The Fourth Big Lie: "Time Heals all Wounds".

The Fifth Choice: The Choice to Help Yor Life
The Fifth Big Lie:" I can figure this out by myself".

The Sixth Choice: The Choice to Embrace your Life.
The Sixth Big Lie:" If I just act as if there is no problem, it will finally go away."

The Seventh Choice:The Choice to Forgive.
The Seventh Big Lie:"Forgiveness is only for those who deserve it or earn it"

The Eighth Choice: The Choice to Risk your Life.
The Eighth BIg LIe:"I must protect myself from more Pain".

The Ninth Choice: The Choice To Serve.
The Ninth Big Lie, "Until I am completely Healed and strong , there is No place for me to serve God"

The Tenth Choice: The Choice to Persevere.
The Tenth Big Lie:" There is no hope for me."

May God Bless each and everyone on this Forum as we stumble along in our healing; some of us will , (maybe), make it, probably, most of us will still be waiting for "that Breakthrough' until Jesus returns!!
MY opinion only.............
Whatever, I Learn something new every time I "connect" with YOU people on this board!
Love you ALL!!!!!!!!! ( I may not always show or act or behave like I do........but 'you' understand and that is all that matters to me).;)
Kerrin
:)

[gwen]

Hi Kerrin,

I was drawn to this book because of the title and chapter headings and recently borrowed it from the library. I don't know if it was me or not, but I just couldn't get "into it". I found that the first 2 or 3 chapters actually triggered me. I kept trying to plow through it, though. I only made it about halfway through the book...I had kept it a week overdue (couldn't renew it because someone else had reserved it) and finally just returned it. It may have just not been the "right" time for me to read it and I'm sure that it could help someone else, but that was just my "take" on the book. Have you read it? I hope you find it to be beneficial to you!

Love, Gwen

[Jam Night]

I have found that sometimes I have been so desperate for an answer to solve all the pain and confusion that a certain book or even a person will trigger me because part of me wants to MAKE them right. I feel like if part of it is true, then I have to make all of it true so that I can have my 'answer' at which point I immediately begin to feel bound to doing whatever the book or person is prescribing, which is what triggers me. Then I get scared, mainly angry, and rebel against. After that I struggle with retaining any of the truth that was there, because I am so scared of the control that I feel I have to reject it completely.

I hope that makes sense...ugh.

I have learned, and am continuing to learn, to 'find the truth in all things,' and then toss out the rest. There's no formula of course, but for someone like me who tends to be all or nothing, it is and has really helped. I thought for a longtime about selling off my businesses and 'retiring' into a remote forest area as a hermit. Avoid EVERYBODY and there won't be a problem...right?

The thought still circles whenever I am at a low point. But I don't think it will really land anymore.

[gwen]

I have found that sometimes I have been so desperate for an answer to solve all the pain and confusion that a certain book or even a person will trigger me because part of me wants to MAKE them right. I feel like if part of it is true, then I have to make all of it true so that I can have my 'answer' at which point I immediately begin to feel bound to doing whatever the book or person is prescribing, which is what triggers me. Then I get scared, mainly angry, and rebel against. After that I struggle with retaining any of the truth that was there, because I am so scared of the control that I feel I have to reject it completely.

I hope that makes sense...ugh.

I have learned, and am continuing to learn, to 'find the truth in all things,' and then toss out the rest. There's no formula of course, but for someone like me who tends to be all or nothing, it is and has really helped. I thought for a longtime about selling off my businesses and 'retiring' into a remote forest area as a hermit. Avoid EVERYBODY and there won't be a problem...right?

The thought still circles whenever I am at a low point. But I don't think it will really land anymore.


I understand what you're saying. :o Because of the mind control issues that I went through, I used to be a "black-and-white", all or nothing thinker, but I am learning that life is full of shades and colors. I am learning that there is no book that has all the answers in it, though I desperately want all the answers! I'm also learning that I certainly don't have all the answers!!! In fact, I think I have more questions than answers these days! And I would love for someone to "fix" me! But the one thing that I've learned is this life is a process and I need to be patient with the process! I have to trust that "he who began a good work in me will bring it to completion." The key word here is "will bring"...

As far as becoming a hermit...the thought has crossed my mind! In the last 16 months since we've left our "church", I have withdrawn quite a bit and spend a lot of time by myself. I am a homemaker, so I don't have to go outside of my home if I don't want to. When we first left, I withdrew so much into my "own little world" that my husband wasn't even sure our marriage was going to make it. I just asked him to be patient with me and give me some space and time, which he so graciously did. We are closer now than I think we've ever been. I guess it's a sign of the healing process because I have begun to come out of my "own little world" and I am interacting with people again.

Gwen

[Willow]

I'm like that too... about needing lots of alone time. I hermitize myself often. When I want to get out, I do it with a lot of gusto. I don't know about you all... but do you think it has something to do with not being able to truly be ourselves around other people? I feel like when I'm alone is the only time I can put my guard down and take off the "who-i-ought-to-be-in-your-eyes" facade.

[Kerrin]

WOW!!!
I'm so glad I put this out there!!!!
I wasn't sure if it were just me or not!!!!
Like you Gwen I am finding it more and more difficult to read ,and it has turned into a "plow" ; as a LOT of old feelings re-surface of Shame , guilt, not-being- good- enough, ALL over again,..........I wonder if the writer is ,, while somewhat on track, still on a "high" from his 'new found freedom' ,and a happy re-marriage after only 6 months of being divorced, (following a 20 year marriage!).
I find even that mundane fact difficult to come to terms with.......I mean it's been 6 years since my 14 year (roller coaster ) marriage ended , and I'm still trying to complete the loss of that.......It's interesting he was able to process all that in such a short time......(my 2nd marriage lasted 10 months and was a Fiasco to begin with.)......so I don't know whether I have moved forwrd or not......*sigh*.
I mean some of what he says makes sense .

And Amy, I tend to "isolate" for the exact same reasons!!!!
BUT , I like your term "hermitize'' much better, doesn't sound so much like a stigma, as Arterburn implies this process is damaging and not what God intended.
I find I NEED to remove myself from , what he calls, "connectedness" with others, just so I CAN be the REAL me!!!

I don't know, maybe it is me, and he is right after all he has the credits...........
I am 'hermitizing ' at present........so I will go crawl back in my shell for a bit......it's safer in there, and I can be 'me' and I know in a day or two I'll be able to 'cope' with people again..........I guess it's always when I feel really vulnerable llike at present!:(

I appreciate your comments too J, Night; some of what you say does resonate, over here.....
Thanks for you input,
Love
Kerrin:o

[gwen]

Hi Kerrin, Amy,

I am currently reading "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine N. Aron. There is SO much in this book that is resonating inside of me! Last week, Theodora put a post about the personality characteristic of an HSP. When I took the self-test online, I was amazed at how highly I rated. And the big way that HSPs deal with stress is to isolate themselves. As I'm reading this book, I keep thinking that I wished I had read this years ago...would have perhaps saved me a lot of pain and shame.

Kerrin, you know as I was reading "Healing is a Choice", I couldn't help but think that this was Stephen Arterburn's own observations in his own personal experience. Now that I'm reading "The Highly Sensitive Person", there are things that are beginning to make sense to me. God didn't create cookie cutter humans. We're all unique individuals with unique personalities and experiences. We each view the world through our own personal make-up. It doesn't make one person better than another...it simply makes us unique!

Love, Gwen

[Hope 98]

From Adam to the next baby to be born, God made each of us entirely unique. Sure there are similarities among all of us and certain characteristics that serve to put us into groups.

The very time that one of us may need as many people as we can get hold of, another of us will need solitude. And that's only one way that we all differ.

Sometimes I wonder if most of us here were hurt because we were taught that it was bad to be different, by people who measured success in terms of THEMSELVES. (if you would only be more LIKE ME, God would love you)

I suspect I'd struggle with Stever Arterburn's book too - and I LOVE most of his work. Maybe we all reach a point of feeling like we've discovered the Holy Grail and begin to believe that it will cure everyone willing to see what it's done for us.

OK - just rambling...

[Kerrin]

No.
No rambling Hope....thank you
Love
Kerrin;)
(It just hurts a lot)

[jjc9497]

Great insights.

One thing I have found in reading the "self help" books is that a lot depends on where I am in the process. When I first read The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender (strictly on childhood sexual abuse), I couldn't understand a lot of what he was saying after the first chapter. I even did a group that went thru the workbook and couldn't get past chapter 4. Now, 5 yrs later, it ALL makes sense to me. I'm in a different place and in a different part of the process and different books resonate now that 5 yrs ago I might have thrown accross the room in anger. I'm always grateful to find a book or article--or a post here--that really helps, but sometimes it's just not the right time.

Another thing--I'm always amazed when I hear people's testimonies of how they came to Christ. There are always things that are similar to my own story and there are always things that are unique to that person. Just as God made each of look uniquely different, and yet similar, I think that is how He heals. We will have a lot of similarities in the healing process, and a lot of us will get help from the same books or programs or whatever. But part of our healing will always be uniquely our own--that's one of the ways I know that God is God. He is much too creative to give us all cookie cutter healing.

[mstar]

I think it is sinking into my thick head that I will not "arrive" in this frail body on this earth which is passing away. I arrive when Jesus releases me from all this to go to His Kingdom in my new body. I say this and write this, but will prob. go into a funk sometime in the near future, about "How I blew back then and today once again."

me too with the isolation. . . just wanta hide and not be hurt anymore. . . but somehow the Lord gets me "back out there". What was the line from that old Newsboys song,
"He pushes when I quit."

It is good to be able to share this.

[mountain]

I will probably get nailed to the cross for this post but it would not be the first time...

I think what Steve A and the New Life Boys are attempting to communicate is that healing is something that we can own and we can pursue and we dont need anyone's permission to do so...

I find that a powerful thing... No one else can hold us once we take hold of that.

The price has already been paid, we are forgiven, and grace has already been applied. The table is set and we are invited. Claiming that and forgiving others is the faith and human part we have difficulty with and shrink from.

I think the issues begin when we compete to recover or attempt to classify ("judge") where our friends and neighbors are in the process.

When we feel pressure to "hurry, heal, and just get over it" or we when dont take others issues seriously is when we just continue the circle of pain...

So... for me.... and just me.... finding that healing is a choice that I can claim and then walk that direction in faith is a major revolution....

The fact we are each bought with a price and no human can monopolize the spiritual path to God is the very GOOD NEWS I think on EVERY day...

That still dont mean I have my act together....

Recovery ain't a race... it is about helping folks where they are and in the way that makes things better for them...

and I agree... it includes different strokes for different folks... But the message here is we each have to take that first step which says "I believe..."

mtn

[Kerrin]

NOPE!!!
NO nailing to anything Mtn.........just MANY , MANY thanks to all who are responding to this thread...........every one of you has given me HOPE today with what you have shared!!!!!!!

I will continue with this book, for me, I think I "need" to, I have had 'something/s' niggling at me for a few months now, and this book has hit a nerve so to speak.
Yes, there is MUCH unresolved 'stuff" I think I need to prayerfully, consider how God wants me to proceed........
I'd like to think it is co-incidence that my mother happened to come around at Christmas, and that my dad leaving a sickening message on my phone, or Brian approaching the (inevitable), subject of Divorce., all co-incidence after months of not hearing from any of them , or ('the enemy'), setting me up????.........maybe??........somehow I don't think so.:( :confused:
I just need to go SLOW and be careful I "do" whatever has to be done the right way, as in God's way, and I'm NOT very good at that......
I don't want or need another year of stagnating!!!!!!

mstar, and jjc9497.......I REALLY appreciate your input too, more than you'll know!
*Major sigh*.......
jjc:
It resonates more each time I read your comments.........I like that we are uniquely made so we will be healed in, a just as Unique way!!!

mstar:
I still want to curl up and make it all go away...........as in hide from the world; I feel so Vulnerable at present, thanks for your validation of this "process".......which it is and doesn't mean we have to like it , much.:o
Love
Kerrin:o

I will probably get nailed to the cross for this post but it would not be the first time...

I think what Steve A and the New Life Boys are attempting to communicate is that healing is something that we can own and we can pursue and we dont need anyone's permission to do so...

I find that a powerful thing... No one else can hold us once we take hold of that.

The price has already been paid, we are forgiven, and grace has already been applied. The table is set and we are invited. Claiming that and forgiving others is the faith and human part we have difficulty with and shrink from.

I think the issues begin when we compete to recover or attempt to classify ("judge") where our friends and neighbors are in the process.

When we feel pressure to "hurry, heal, and just get over it" or we when dont take others issues seriously is when we just continue the circle of pain...

So... for me.... and just me.... finding that healing is a choice that I can claim and then walk that direction in faith is a major revolution....

The fact we are each bought with a price and no human can monopolize the spiritual path to God is the very GOOD NEWS I think on EVERY day...

That still dont mean I have my act together....

Recovery ain't a race... it is about helping folks where they are and in the way that makes things better for them...

and I agree... it includes different strokes for different folks... But the message here is we each have to take that first step which says "I believe..."mtn

[mstar]

Thanks kerrin. Will keep you in prayer. Would appreciate yours. Goodnight:)

[Kerrin]

Thanks kerrin. Will keep you in prayer. Would appreciate yours. Goodnight:)

Absolutly, am delighted the opportunity is here for me to pray.........especially as I have another week off work!!!:(
It gets my mind off ME!!!
So yes, many ,many prayers for you, and your healing, (situation), , wherever you may be with that........and thank you for sharing what you have, I really appreciate it more than you know!!;)
I have been told to walk MORE!!!
Which is good!
I can walk to the beach , and for me that's the easiest time to pray for others, as I look across the 'bay' and wonder what , and where , you ALL are.........I do that more often than you know....pray for my cyber friends , that is...
love you all very much,
Kerrin;) (Good evening, 'tis here anyway....sleep tight)

[Jerry]

Dear Kerrin,,,
I think there is an aspect that often goes unnoticed.Sometimes when I have "pain" it isn't because I need to heal.....Rather I am in pain because I am refusing to bend.I have this rigid idea about how things should be and am very involved in forcing that idea into reality.....When this is the reason for my pain,then that pain will grip me until I am transformed.....God was right ;) We are a stiffnecked people :D Myself included ;)
Love Jerry

[Theodora]

We may need to start compiling a list of "Jerry's Thoughts on Recovery!" ;) :D

Seriously...good "take" on a difficult problem, I think. Thanks for sharing.

In His love--

Theodora

So.......How was your Christmas?????

--

Dear Kerrin,,,
I think there is an aspect that often goes unnoticed.Sometimes when I have "pain" it isn't because I need to heal.....Rather I am in pain because I am refusing to bend.I have this rigid idea about how things should be and am very involved in forcing that idea into reality.....When this is the reason for my pain,then that pain will grip me until I am transformed.....God was right ;) We are a stiffnecked people :D Myself included ;)
Love Jerry

[Leslie]

..I wonder if the writer is ,, while somewhat on track, still on a "high" from his 'new found freedom' ,and a happy re-marriage after only 6 months of being divorced, (following a 20 year marriage!).
I find even that mundane fact difficult to come to terms with.......I mean it's been 6 years since my 14 year (roller coaster ) marriage ended , and I'm still trying to complete the loss of that.......It's interesting he was able to process all that in such a short time......(my 2nd marriage lasted 10 months and was a Fiasco to begin with.)......so I don't know whether I have moved forwrd or not......*sigh*.

Kerrin, it sounds like you might be judging yourself! I hope you don't. In fact, and I hesitate to judge, the author's 6 month break between marriages may not be the best M.O.. Some professionals think it takes longer. Though, every case is different. I was just sorry to hear you compare yourself unfavorably with someone else's experience.

So, is there a public scoop on (is it?)Arterburn's remarriage? (Is gossip okay here?)

Much of the book sounds good, from your preview of the contents, so thanks for sharing!

Leslie

[searching]

Sometimes when I have "pain" it isn't because I need to heal.....Rather I am in pain because I am refusing to bend.I have this rigid idea about how things should be and am very involved in forcing that idea into reality.....When this is the reason for my pain,then that pain will grip me until I am transformed.....



Hello - this is a very insightful response. One that applies to my life often. Here is another avenue as well - "God is wise enough to know that pain is the greatest motivator to change...People change faster when they hurt than under almost any other condition". (that's a quote but I don't know who from).

I believe God saw my families' desire to serve Him and used the painful circumstances that caused our departure form our former church, as a vehicle to keep us on the path He has chosen for us. We were on our way to becoming very self-righteous (for the Lord of course) and He allowed us to be slammed down...only to gently pick us back up and lead us closer to Him.

Isn't God great? In the midst of our hurt and pain, He is still there - He never turns His back on us - if we go to Him and cry He will help us. We just have to turn it over to Him.

In Christ,
Beth

[Kerrin]

.........and I thought I was becoming more flexible; as in less rigid in my thinking and behaviour.........??????:confused:
*sigh*
Love
Kerrin:o
As for comparing myself to others?? yes I do I guess having had such poor role models growing up I'm searching for what it is I am supposed to be.........
(stupid statement!!)

[Hope 98]

[QUOTE=KerrinAs for comparing myself to others?? yes I do I guess having had such poor role models growing up I'm searching for what it is I am supposed to be.........
(stupid statement!!)[/QUOTE]

Yeah - I identify with that statement!

We feel like we "fit in" when we are like the people we're with. It's so stinking human!

Just wondering if folks here had to deal with the following messages...

1 - Just be yourself...it doesn't matter what people think!

2 - What will people think?!?

3 - Who do you think you are anyway?

now you know why it says uh um.... next to my avatar...

[Eleanor]

This is a wonderful thread.

Sometimes I feel pain because whatever happened just Hurts or Still hurts. Sometimes I have more tears to cry about it.

Sometimes it takes some time to get over the pain; sometimes it takes time AND learning to trust again. Sometimes it takes time, learning to trust again, and learning to accept whatever it is that happened, happened.

I 'hermitize'(wonderful word!)too, sometimes, as often as I need to.
My recovery is open to other people's suggestions and books too, but ultimately I will recover in my own time frame.I do trust that it will all be ok eventually.

My being rigid or not being flexible has little to do with the behaviors or actions of other people who are hurtful...ok, just crazy- I would like to learn how NOT to let myself be vulnerable to certain people again.

Kerrin,just for example- the behavior of your mother wouldn't be hurtful to me, simply because she isn't my mother, and vice versa for my mother and sister's behavior to you. If they pulled their stuff on you, you'd probably roll your eyes and blow them off, as you should.

I love your posts Kerrin and Meg and so many others, too, because when you guys are so honest I have permission to show myself too. Thanks so much for that.

What has hurt- me, any of us, has hurt because of the one time trust and/or emotional attachment.It goes to the heart of what love and family is or seems to be, and I -we -anyone first got their ideas about themselves as a person from our families. Its hard stuff.

I think recovery is a choice; but not 'recovering' the way someone else thinks we ought to or in their time frame, not ours, is just another form of control.


I have been away for several days- had the computer worked on- and there are so many new posts and threads, I am confused. Hope I didn't stray too far from the toipic here, just musing.

I am glad to be back--I missed you guys!!

[Kerrin]

I "hear You" HOPE!!


Leslie:I think recovery is a choice; but not 'recovering' the way someone else thinks we ought to or in their time frame, not ours, is just another form of control.

Thank you for that affirmation.
We perfectionists look at how quickly others 'appear' to get over things , and get on with life, and continue to kick ourselves for being so 'slow' to catch up or on.........:confused: (At least that's me).

What is so obvious to others takes time for me to process, and then maybe 'try'........but I always seem to get hurt anyway, so I wonder if I will ever learn what a healthy, healing relationship is !
I wonder what it is like NOT to be so sensitive.
I wonder why I can't just "be like every one else" , like my sister or mother or neighbours, who all seem to have a great LIFE, and lots of people to share it with.....
I wonder why do I have to be so intense and anaylise EVERY detail , and in the process scare people off..........
I don't want to grow old alone........but I don't know how to be part of the human race without 'ruining' it!!:( :confused:
Love
Kerrin:(

[Pinkie Pie]

Dear Kerrin,,,
I think there is an aspect that often goes unnoticed.Sometimes when I have "pain" it isn't because I need to heal.....Rather I am in pain because I am refusing to bend.I have this rigid idea about how things should be and am very involved in forcing that idea into reality.....When this is the reason for my pain,then that pain will grip me until I am transformed.....God was right ;) We are a stiffnecked people :D Myself included ;)
Love Jerry

Very insightful, Jerry (as usual :) ). I am finding out that lately that is where I am at. I also like Mountain's observation about healing is not a race or competition. That is another area I get into trouble. I am discovering that others in my church have also come from spiritually abusive pasts (although don't know the details) but seem to be leaps and bounds ahead of me. And then I get frustrated and beat up on myself - what is wrong with me? Why haven't I reached that place? This is a great thread, is getting me back grounded (yet again....)