Kerrin
12-28-2005, 12:09 AM
It's been a troublesome week for me, sorting "stuff" out in my mind.
I am currently reading Stephen Arterburn's new book, "Healing is a Choice", and re-reading his older one , "When you Love Too Much".
They're both good books.
Havind just returned from the Physiotherapist, who was his usual distant self.....except;
After he 'pummelled' my back for a bit, in silence, I noticed that I was just "taking" the pain.I put my head down and sort of disconnected, it was like when Randy used to hit me, hold a knife at my throat, and Hurl abuse at me, or when mum and dad would scream abuse at me, or when I was forced by my Church to Divulge in a VERY public way ALL my sexual sins over and over , (because I wasn't "yet" delivered!)!:o
Sort of stepped outside of myself, I think!
He put a hot pack on my back and left me alone for 15 minutes.
So, I asked God ,"What is going on..? I can't do this healing thing alone....I'm scared.....and I don't know what of.."
He came back in the room and pummelled some more and I said, and I don't know where the voice came from, "Is it supposed to feel numb here and is it supposed to hurt there........blah, blah,...........? "
He stepped back and siad ,"no!" that indicates you DO have nerve compression etc etc... (I just assumed in 'my' case it was part of healing , (where does this stuff come from??? ),I would NEVER say that to a patient of mine!!):confused:
He then gave me a lecture about "looking after myself".
I nodded.
I Said something about my employer (witchy-Poo), and he said he'd heard ALL about the company I work for and HER!!!
Anyway, he said this company have so many 'claims' that pretty soon the Government is going to start looking into their work practises!
Maybe there is justice after all......as he said if I had another job offer , and I felt is was better, I should take it and not worry about "them"..........I am "just a number to them"
"Witchy-Poo" and I spoke twice on the phone today.
She is cold!:mad:
I called her.
I can 'see' her game plan to get rid of me. I hope in returning to work tomorrow and submitting my resignation ,in the way that I am, will give me some sense of accomplishment!
I don't want revenge, I guess I just don't want her to think she has won, and even thinking like that is hard for me, because I was taught ,and lived, to turn the other cheek...................:( :confused:
There was a time a LONG time ago, a 16 year old Kerrin made a major mistake.
But she was a fighter, and not 'just a survivor'..............why is it so hard to find 'her' again??
Why is it so hard to defend myself without mountains of guilt and shame..??
( What brought that to mind? ) Amy keeps saying of turning 15 in the coming year, "I don't want to grow up mum..." and when she says that, ( I think maybe I'm doing something right in the mother department, and reassured her she could stay 'till she was 45!!!!); I think back to when I was her age, and it was ALL I clung to , was 'growing up' so I could be rid of my parents, my siblings and all the responsibility, each birthday was another year closer to freedom,..........it didn't quite happen how I dreamed it would.............I never did go to the Outback and help the Aboriginals, or go onto be anything , or do anything great, but I WAS a fighter for a LONG time! I fought to keep my marriage together, despite ALL the abuse. It took a lot of energy, but I, well, I failed at that too, I guess.......*major sigh* ,........as I think out loud here! ( I didn't quite make it did I?).
Anyway, I wonder if pain will always be a part of my life.
I know so many here suffer in various ways.
I just don't think I quite "get" what it means yet to 'suffer with Christ".
I keep 'hearing Stephen Arterburn's words, something along the lines of, God gave us pain as a signal that something is wrong. If we feel pain we need to go back, which usally means experiencing it all over again! .......( I don't like that, my Church used to teach that in a twisted way!.......... and find out the root cause and try to eliminate it, especially emotional pain...........:confused: :(
I find it hard to tell the truth when I see a Doctor, or other 'pain -inflicting -type persons'.:( :confused:
I thought I might walk down to the beach, it's so warm............maybe clear my head a little........
If anyone can make any sense of this , feel free..........:o
Love and all that ,
Kerrin;)
Decided to post here too, because I seriously believe ALL of this acceptance of abuse became MORE acceptable after my church experience, and I wonder why it's so HARD to de-programme?????
I am currently reading Stephen Arterburn's new book, "Healing is a Choice", and re-reading his older one , "When you Love Too Much".
They're both good books.
Havind just returned from the Physiotherapist, who was his usual distant self.....except;
After he 'pummelled' my back for a bit, in silence, I noticed that I was just "taking" the pain.I put my head down and sort of disconnected, it was like when Randy used to hit me, hold a knife at my throat, and Hurl abuse at me, or when mum and dad would scream abuse at me, or when I was forced by my Church to Divulge in a VERY public way ALL my sexual sins over and over , (because I wasn't "yet" delivered!)!:o
Sort of stepped outside of myself, I think!
He put a hot pack on my back and left me alone for 15 minutes.
So, I asked God ,"What is going on..? I can't do this healing thing alone....I'm scared.....and I don't know what of.."
He came back in the room and pummelled some more and I said, and I don't know where the voice came from, "Is it supposed to feel numb here and is it supposed to hurt there........blah, blah,...........? "
He stepped back and siad ,"no!" that indicates you DO have nerve compression etc etc... (I just assumed in 'my' case it was part of healing , (where does this stuff come from??? ),I would NEVER say that to a patient of mine!!):confused:
He then gave me a lecture about "looking after myself".
I nodded.
I Said something about my employer (witchy-Poo), and he said he'd heard ALL about the company I work for and HER!!!
Anyway, he said this company have so many 'claims' that pretty soon the Government is going to start looking into their work practises!
Maybe there is justice after all......as he said if I had another job offer , and I felt is was better, I should take it and not worry about "them"..........I am "just a number to them"
"Witchy-Poo" and I spoke twice on the phone today.
She is cold!:mad:
I called her.
I can 'see' her game plan to get rid of me. I hope in returning to work tomorrow and submitting my resignation ,in the way that I am, will give me some sense of accomplishment!
I don't want revenge, I guess I just don't want her to think she has won, and even thinking like that is hard for me, because I was taught ,and lived, to turn the other cheek...................:( :confused:
There was a time a LONG time ago, a 16 year old Kerrin made a major mistake.
But she was a fighter, and not 'just a survivor'..............why is it so hard to find 'her' again??
Why is it so hard to defend myself without mountains of guilt and shame..??
( What brought that to mind? ) Amy keeps saying of turning 15 in the coming year, "I don't want to grow up mum..." and when she says that, ( I think maybe I'm doing something right in the mother department, and reassured her she could stay 'till she was 45!!!!); I think back to when I was her age, and it was ALL I clung to , was 'growing up' so I could be rid of my parents, my siblings and all the responsibility, each birthday was another year closer to freedom,..........it didn't quite happen how I dreamed it would.............I never did go to the Outback and help the Aboriginals, or go onto be anything , or do anything great, but I WAS a fighter for a LONG time! I fought to keep my marriage together, despite ALL the abuse. It took a lot of energy, but I, well, I failed at that too, I guess.......*major sigh* ,........as I think out loud here! ( I didn't quite make it did I?).
Anyway, I wonder if pain will always be a part of my life.
I know so many here suffer in various ways.
I just don't think I quite "get" what it means yet to 'suffer with Christ".
I keep 'hearing Stephen Arterburn's words, something along the lines of, God gave us pain as a signal that something is wrong. If we feel pain we need to go back, which usally means experiencing it all over again! .......( I don't like that, my Church used to teach that in a twisted way!.......... and find out the root cause and try to eliminate it, especially emotional pain...........:confused: :(
I find it hard to tell the truth when I see a Doctor, or other 'pain -inflicting -type persons'.:( :confused:
I thought I might walk down to the beach, it's so warm............maybe clear my head a little........
If anyone can make any sense of this , feel free..........:o
Love and all that ,
Kerrin;)
Decided to post here too, because I seriously believe ALL of this acceptance of abuse became MORE acceptable after my church experience, and I wonder why it's so HARD to de-programme?????