Ninas

[butterfly]

I just sent you a PM it is important to me if you would please answer me with a PM.
I also have DID I just didn"t feel safe to tell any one. I was not for sure how I would be treated here.
Most of my insiders have blended in with me Shirely. I have worked many years doing so.
I hope you will not leave here. If you do I gave you my email address in the PM.
Please email me I care about all of you .
I feel right now is the time to share myself to you about my DID butterfly

[ninaspirit]

Hi Butterfly, thank you for pm-ing us and saying about DID for you. we pm-d back. how you asked. :) ninas.

[Janice]

I just sent you a PM it is important to me if you would please answer me with a PM.
I also have DID I just didn"t feel safe to tell any one. I was not for sure how I would be treated here.
Most of my insiders have blended in with me Shirely. I have worked many years doing so.
I hope you will not leave here. If you do I gave you my email address in the PM.
Please email me I care about all of you .
I feel right now is the time to share myself to you about my DID butterfly

[B]Thank you for trusting us enough to share Shirley. You've done well! :) B]

[butterfly]

:) Thank You Janice, I am so connected with Ninas because I understand how frightening it is for the little ones.
They sure went thru hell at that Dr"s office. I don"t want to see her leave because the Ninas have so much positive things sto say.
I thank God for DID because if it wasn"t for that I would not have surived. It is real DID and I am glad people here understand that it is.
I had to share lets just say it was time. For Ninas I shared because I do care for them and C.
It is hell being alone in the DID recovery. butterfly shirely

[ninaspirit]

:) Thank You Janice, I am so connected with Ninas because I understand how frightening it is for the little ones.
They sure went thru hell at that Dr"s office. I don"t want to see her leave because the Ninas have so much positive things sto say.
I thank God for DID because if it wasn"t for that I would not have surived. It is real DID and I am glad people here understand that it is.
I had to share lets just say it was time. For Ninas I shared because I do care for them and C.
It is hell being alone in the DID recovery. butterfly shirely

Butterfly, we're glad you think about us that way. :) we will try not to leave next time some body says they want out. ok.

DID is really a DIGift from God, not so much a disorder. How we learned - God created our brain/mind to be able to change in order to survive the abuse we did. so how the doctors got hold of it we don't know. some people decide to integrate and some don't. we decided not to.

we have a poem about DID and God, if it is ok for posting here. It shows us how God knows just how things are for us because it happned to Him too. He really did experience everything we do. The poem helped C.... acept us how we are.

The Beginning

by Will R.


I started life as I,

Early on I became we

Abuse was a cause

Survival was a goal.

Others do not understand

Violence has been a part

That we’re not proud of

Just didn’t know the way.

It took us a while to realize

That help could be found

To work at becoming I again

And maybe find happiness.

Remember God does understand

With very good reason

He’s a multiple too,

The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Look at the world He has made

We can enjoy it also

Don’t despair now

The end is in sight.

:) C and the ninas.

p.s. after our head was able to remember the doctors appointment last week, our thoughts are more settled and the memory parts are going into their places. we are very happy for that. some times our head still switches back to not knowing some times and we have to say, you remembered so now you know. and it helps not having to think we don't know.

so we had a good day today. and a nice christmas with our children. it was a peaceful day.

thank you everyone for your prayers and kind words. it made it more easy. ninas. C.....

[Voyager]

Ninas, you are awesome. You have such a good spirit about you. I always read your posts, even though I don't always reply. I am glad you found this forum.

:cool:

[Kerrin]

[QUOTE=Voyager]Ninas, you are awesome. You have such a good spirit about you. I always read your posts, even though I don't always reply. I am glad you found this forum.

:cool:[/QUOTE

Me too, never know what to say , but always learn so much and 'sense' the warmth, and the pain.........Shirley too!
You are a huge benefit to the forum, and it makes me angry what abuse does to beautiful people.......I'm glad you both had a wonderful Christmas, and have families who love and care ; (((((((((Shirley)))))))
Love
Kerrin;)

[Janice]

(((((((((((((((((((C))))))))))))))))))
So glad you had a good Christmas! Thanks for sharing your poetry (again) ;) I enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed it the first time you sent it to me.

[truth]

That is so great, I love that......particularly "to work at becoming I again..." simple, powerful and to-the-point - thank you for sharing it with us!

[Satscout]

I left a therapist once because I was trying to describe how it feels to deal with the abuse and trauma I have been through... it is as if most "normal people" are a near sphere, with the same or similar faces showing to the people they know... but I am "faceted", and not prettily cut like a polished gemstone, either. So one "facet" may be able to handle work, or another my husband, or another my child, and so on. Not DID, and I never said I was. But he immediately berated me and told me I was not a multiple and don't pretend I was. I never went back after that.

We all have defense mechanisms. I refuse to judge someone by their defense mechanism. And I sympathize.

(((((((Ninas))))))) - I loved the poem. It is very eloquent.

[ninaspirit]

:) :) :) we are happy we stayed.

Statscout, we're glad you didn't go back to that doctor. we like the facet idea. stain glass pieces. each have a purpose for making a whole pictuer.

we still have to help some of our insiders learn how to do some things our I did before - some of her jobs that are overwhelming for her right now.

Everyone we're glad you like the poem - just want to say it is not our poem but written by Will R. who is not one of us but a outside person. ok

we do understand that some times people do need help with insiders to work with them instead of against them. just like single people. we have some that would like to hurt our body but so far are not being strong about it and our protectors, the Clear Ones will not allow them doing that.

Voyager we are glad we found this place too. :) we are still learning how to talk with people so we are glad when we do get responses but its ok if we don't. guess it must feel strange maybe for some? our I says it was strange before we came. she met someone who had insiders many years ago but didn't feel comfortable at all.

truth That is so great, I love that......particularly "to work at becoming I again..." simple, powerful and to-the-point - thank you for sharing it with us!

yes for some people becoming I again is important. for us working together inside for helping our I is important more than becoming I again. God didn't go back to One either. ;) Maybe He can help others better the way He is now. she says she would miss us if we were gone. we tried going one again. but it was too crowded inside. our skin didn't fit. actually it didn't fit till we came out. and then it felt right. and for us it was was nice to be able to meet inside. but we see some tims it might cost us a friend if they arne't ok about insiders because not everyone understands. we have to remember that. so sometimes we go underground if certain people are around.

C....remembers and tells us that at one time we were all part of her as one. Now we are part of her as many. It is important for us remembering that so we don't go off doing our own thing and getting her in trouble becuase she still has to take the words is something goes wrong cause she's not saying about us then. but sometimes it is like not letting the right hand know what the left hand is doing. and she doesn't remember something happening or getting done. she says that is nice when she gets credits on her bills from paying twice. :)


Hi Janice - we are looking forward to chatting with you too.

us ninas thank you.

[Janice]

Hi Janice - we are looking forward to chatting with you too.

us ninas thank you.[/QUOTE]

Hi "C" Headed off to work soon. Hopefully we'll catch up later. have a great day! Miss you! ;)

[Kerrin]

Ninas;
I can only relate to the frustration, fear , anger etc. of your condition, when I take myself repeatedly to my Doctor, and she "looks" at me in 'that" way......you know when you're trying to explain ALL the symptoms, but because it is complex and there appears no relationship between them??!:confused:
So, she dismisses me with more scripts, and a continued 'push' to see a Psychiatrist' which I have seen several times before and told I don't need a Pysch, to put Kerrin back together again, my counsellor is doing a fine job of that, I think! At least I trust her. She understands the many "Kerrins" are relational ,and not a multiple as you are describing.:o
So, I can only relate in that my symptoms are external and so, (seemingly), un-related , my Doctor prefers to just think I'm a nut case!!
( It took such a long time to find a good one, then she went on maternity leave and isn't coming back! )So, I have been stuck with this one!! I am reluctantly searching for a new good doctor who will really listen and help me unravel what is going on in my body!! In the mean time I'll continue my daily journal of symptons and watch teh emerging pattern!
One day someone will believe me........:(
Blessings to you and I loved the poem too, and the "I" you describe so eloquently!!

Kerrin.

[Willow]

:) :) :) we are happy we stayed.


Hey... I'm happy you stayed too!

[jane]

Ninas and Butterfly

thankyou for sharing. It shows how strong you are- surely survivors and not victims.


Satscout.

good idea to leave that jerk.....pretending multiple???? Who would ever pretend such a thing? It appears that it is no joke...jeezo.

(((satscout)))
glad you have strength and common sense to know who the jerk is.

So many times when I was told something similar than I would internalize it and feel shame. Even if I wasn't doing what they thought I was, know what I mean?

jane

[ninaspirit]

Ninas;
I can only relate to the frustration, fear , anger etc. of your condition, when I take myself repeatedly to my Doctor, and she "looks" at me in 'that" way......you know when you're trying to explain ALL the symptoms, but because it is complex and there appears no relationship between them??!
So, she dismisses me with more scripts, and a continued 'push' to see a Psychiatrist' which I have seen several times before and told I don't need a Pysch, to put Kerrin back together again, my counsellor is doing a fine job of that, I think! At least I trust her. She understands the many "Kerrins" are relational ,and not a multiple as you are describing.
So, I can only relate in that my symptoms are external and so, (seemingly), un-related , my Doctor prefers to just think I'm a nut case!!
( It took such a long time to find a good one, then she went on maternity leave and isn't coming back! )So, I have been stuck with this one!! I am reluctantly searching for a new good doctor who will really listen and help me unravel what is going on in my body!! In the mean time I'll continue my daily journal of symptons and watch teh emerging pattern!
aOne day someone will believe me........
Blessings to you and I loved the poem too, and the "I" you describe so eloquently!!

Kerrin.

Hi Kerrin, thank you for responding. we don't think you are a case of nuts. and your journal and watching for patterns is a good way for geting to know your self better. we know how that is doctors looking at us with no eyes - not seeing us. we feel like we should jump up and down and yell, "over here, over here." but they would just give C.... pills if that happned.

we are actually not afraid of us insiders. it is more people outside who treat people bad. but it was scary for our head not remembering. and having shock. us insiders are helpers and C....is not scared of us. She is liking us here.

Some people don't have complete insiders but parts that have separated but kind of still atached. our T calls those the fuzzy ones or parts that are fragmented. we don't like that word. it sounds broken. but we understand fuzzy means its hard to tell where one ends and another begins. and not being able to feel connected with those parts inside. some times we are between insiders - not feeling conected to anyone or C.... it is a lost feeling.

It was helping for C....to put us all on paper like on a map. how our head saw us all inside. our places inside her. with lines and circles and which were closest to her.

For C....us insiders are very personal and important to her. we have rooms inside too and a nina flower where all the ninas and Angela go in for hiding or resting. :) we have three Clear Ones who are protectors. They are invisible so can make a shiel round C....or us so we can be safe from outsiders. some times they are C....parts and some times they are God Jesus and Holy Spirit. Nina who is 14 is our spirit guide - she isn't here for a while now. still waiting for her getting better from a fall. and there is gnome with a small g - that is the doctor. and a hoe which leans against the nina flower for using on the gnome. lol. gnome is not allowed inside the nina flower. our rooms are a sleeping room for ones who have a hard tim staying safe. and a healing room where a pool is. the room is blue. Jesus is always in this room but is very polite and does not come close unless we are feeling safe for that. it is our agreement. the pool is some times not deep and the littles (they are ninas, we are differnt ages) use it for splashing. if it is for healing the pool is deep and wide and blue. no top no bottom and no end. how God's love is. we have a Living room where we invite people we trust in to talk with us. like if we come here and Doug and some other people. it gets small or big depend on how much people there are. today it is a big room. we also have a back step for putting garbage and Jesus takes away the garbage for us if we put it on the step. some day gnome will go on the back step. just not done with her yet.

how come we are like this?

after the doctor appointment every memory came forward and we were in the memories. so it was a way for us meeting when C..... did her map. our spiritual part is where most our dad's shaming was on C..... about how she understand the Bible or God and how he said women and girls are seductive/sluts, God made us so it was a very shaming thing saying that and it was a lie. C.... was trying to be a kind person and getting forced to lie and pray or get strapped. ok. so much she was scared and ashamed saying even the word God. 14 was most clear about God. after that we didn't have a connection with God so we are her way for conencting with God now. we try some times asking C... if she will have God for her but she is quiet on that. we aren't knowing if insiders can sit in any church bench and get acepted. it is C....'s way for conecting with God, and she would need somebody who can acept that is how we are. C...was trying to go in church again but now it isn't fitting for insiders being there.

so now we said lots of personal things. we hope it is ok for saying this here. us ninas.