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View Full Version : Welcome to the forum, Tallin!!!


Theodora
12-22-2005, 02:32 PM
I just read your response on Willow's thread re "attachment problems" and find MUCH with which I could "resonate" as well....though I've now been married for...oh...gasp...shock....over 39 years! (Now don't all you young'uns FEEL YOUNG??!?!)

I've taken the liberty of pulling it out and re-posting it here, so that it doesn't get "lost" for me at the end of the long-ish thread.

I'm looking forward to coming to "know" you a bit more! You seem to have done some very good work on the issues in your life.

Grace and peace----and every blessing to you in this Christmastide.

Theodora

--

Your post, with the quote from Willow below:

12-22-2005, 04:08 PM
Tallin

Re: Attachment problems
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?p=21799#post21799
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What you wrote could have come from me. I find myself wanting someone, then when I get out there, I just am not quite finding what I want. And, usually, they get far more attached to me than I them and I find myself feeling like poo because I don't want to break a heart, yet I also don't want to be alone. For the record, I know I have an adult attachment disorder and I am working hard on overcoming it.

A few fast thoughts that sometimes help me:

1) Consider how amazing real deep, enduring attaction is. There are so many personalities out there, some more common than others. Add to that the number of differing tastes, preferences, and interests. Throw in that there needs to be a physical attraction, and is there any wonder why sometimes it is hard to find what you need/want? The best thing you can do is to do what feeds you, even if it is alone, and do so with an open mind. Maybe the guy serving the homeless next to you is feeling exactly the same way AND is your match - you won't know unless you put yourself out there in situations that feel "right" to you.

2) We are all afraid of being hurt and hurting others. Yet, when we focus too much on protecting others, sometimes we close down the routes or ways that that other person might be able to touch our souls, to feed us what we so need. Yes, there are times that you just KNOW that this other person is NOT for you - those are valid. But, at least for me, sometimes I really like someone but feel that it isn't ideal and hold back. What if I had, instead, been open to love's possibilities? Where there are two good souls in love, often, obsticals can be overcome. But it takes giving them a chance, to trust in them enough for them to be willing to decide what and who to trust their heart to.

3) And that comes to you, trusting your own heart. Is the reason you might be guarded or protecting others be, because, deep down you are terrified or have other baggage? We all have some, and it is okay. The key is to understand where it is coming from. In some cases, it might be a hurt that just never healed right - so work on it and give it a chance to heal right now. In other cases, it might be abuse (as in my case). This often requires therapy, but again, it can be healed. The key is to understand yourself, the good and the bad, and in that, understand what you need. Again, the good and the bad - the pure and the naugty, for they are all sides of you. Once you understand your needs, seek those who can fit them appropriately. Remember one thing too - with all the hurt you have faced, you still have the ability to heal. Thats true in love - indeed, sometimes, the process of falling in love can be slightly painful but oh so worth it.

4) Work on yourself. I am sure you are wonderful, but the truth is we all need to grow and evolve or we begin to die. Odds are by holding back, you actually have prevented growth. Now I am not saying to go nuts with your heart - not at all - but do things that help stregthen those things you feel are a little weak - exercise - take a class - teach a class. What doesn't so much matter as the process. It helps build up the good, it puts you out there in contexts that show you at your best (or worse and most human). And it gives you something else to think about and focus energy on.

5) Realize that no one is perfect. We ALL have our baggage, and we all at times need someone to lean on, just as we can be there for others to lean on. Some things are clearly appropriate. Some things are as clearly not. And there is a lot of gray. But it is in that process of exploring another soul that we sometimes find that we have bonded.

In short, realize that it just might be that you haven't quite met the right man. Realize that it might be that you are too protective, and need to lower some walls either protecting them or yourself. Work on making yourself the best version of you possible, not to be a perfectionist, but instead to point your spirit in the right way. And finally, realize that nothing will be perfect, and realize that in those flaws might lie real character.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Willow
Ya'll are great! Voyager... you always have jewels of wisdom. The guy I'm dating now meets the items on the list as far as I know.

Theo is right. I wish I could just be friends with him. I have a dear man friend who's gay. I am closer to him because I had a chance to develop a deep friendship with him. I get scared away when the other person gets serious before I really know them well. I want to feel the way toward them in return.

Jerry... trust really is the issue, isn't it? Getting out there and trying has been a big deal for me. I have been frightened of men for a long time. It feels good not to be so afraid anymore.

Joe... It's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with this problem. Too bad we don't live closer coz we could do "un-dates" and practice on each other so we don't get scared or hurt... LOL!

I've pretty much decided to detach myself from the current romance and see if a friendship can be salvaged. I feel like a real "fill-in-the-blank" for hurting another person. This is the reason I don't like dating. Someone always seems to get deeply hurt.

Tallin
12-28-2005, 09:36 PM
Why thank you for the welcome and the kind words.

Just so yall have a frame of reference, I am a 41 year old professional living in Northern Virginia. The reason I wrote in responce to Willow's statement post was, as I said, it could have been me not long ago.

I was raised in a home where there where many gods. Alchol. Selfishness. Shame. No love, at least toward me. No Christ. I did what I could, but came to realize that love for me = hurt and pain. I would give and give to those who choose not to change their world, only to have them recover a bit, then abuse me more. Not a good start. Then as I matured, and got out there to date, I realized that something wasn't right. I wasn't right. Now no saying that isn't true - it was true. You see, I was just as broken and hurting as my caregivers were, except that I had one trait that they didn't have. I was willing to work on it. Just as all here I suspect are doing in one form or another.

But then life, or I should say a girl I was nuts over, somehow planted a seed. That seed, in time, lead me to believe with all of my head and heart that the best thing I could do was to shut down that side of me that wanted, needed, longed for a mate. I even swore on my honor that I would never allow love to happen. And I am an honorable man. But the strangest things kept happening. Love, every so often, would seem to knock. Different people - different possibilities - most offering the promice of something that might be good and healthy and healing. But I was sworn to keep myself locked away. Even if I was wrong about my own soul, I made a promice on my honor.

Then the strangest thought happened driving home from a movie - a thought that I now realize was planted by a higher power (though at the time I didn't believe in a loving god). That thought was this - what happens when an honorable man keeps a promice, even one made on his honor, that brings no honor? Isn't the right thing then to try to fix it? I, of course, had no clue how to even begin, but I still felt the calling and finally chose to act on it. Still not sure quite what I was doing was right - just that I seemed somehow lead and that to my soul, it someone seemed right.

Well, that was many years ago, and there have been real fits and starts and stumbling. At times, I just felt so broken. But the desire, the drive, the need to someone try to overcome these demons of my past has never quite gone. And in time, I would regain my strength and forge ahead. I would get a glimering, and more, of just how far I had come and what I needed - and those needs which at first seemed so impossible and overwelming just seemed to get more and more real and managable. And I came to realize my own strength. To forge steel often requires the hotest fires, and lord knows I have endured my fair share.

This last year started quite slowly. Really struggling with forgiveness (still can't quite manage forgive though, for even animals protect their young). Anger (just avoid the person who is the trigger). Trust - especially in myself. Self esteme. And then, somehow, a light bulb went on. I was wasting way too much of my resources on activities that just added to my stress, that really did nothing toward either leading toward a better David nor closer to my goals/mental picture of who I am and could be. So, I decided to loose the loadstones and try for something more.

And so far, it is going great!!! I have lost almost 20 pounds over the course of 7 weeks, and while I have a ton more to loose, I have NO doubt that I shall. I have signed up for some college classes - 9 credit hours (I am a good student). I also have signed up for some online classes. I am getting more focused at work, not that lack of focus was ever an issue, but also setting myself up for what might be a period of change in a year. A change of my own making. And I am avoiding things that cause undo stress that have no point, trying to keep myself occupied when bored instead of eating, and finding other outlets. And I must tell you all - I feel better about myself than I have in years, perhaps ever. I am finding myself excited about the possibilites. And no, its not the weight loss, going back to school, the new focus, or any of that alone. It is the combination, that somehow I seemed to have found something that, for right now, is all mutually supportive and feels right. It would of course feel more right with someone beside me, but all things in God's time. I just need to enjoy where I am now, reflect on how much I have done, and allow myself to glow a little.

And finally, I am getting out there a bit - have put the feelers out as they say, along with a few bites. Nothing that feels right yet, but again, it will probably take time. It took me 41 years to reach a point where I LIKE myself again, and to expect love to just pop into my life overnight is probably too much to expect. But, the point is, for the first time ever, I am open to loves possibilites, feel that I have my ducks in a row emotionally, logistically, and spiritually, and have the contented feeling/knowledge/belief that I am finally on the right path.

It is that feeling that I wish for Willow. Though I realize that she might not be where I am yet, I hope that she and others that this speak to realize that it is possible. It takes a lot of work and even more tears. But if there is the courage, work ethic, and desire, contentment (if even for a short time) is possible.

Yes, I still have much work to do, as I suspect we all do in some way or another, but its really nice to feel god's grace.

Take care and hope you all have a wonderful New Year

jane
12-28-2005, 09:47 PM
well, welcome Tallin

and way to go with the changes in your life.

:D

jane

mstar
12-28-2005, 10:05 PM
welcome:)

Janice
12-29-2005, 02:43 AM
Welcome to the forum, Tallin!

Willow
12-29-2005, 04:17 AM
It is that feeling that I wish for Willow. Though I realize that she might not be where I am yet, I hope that she and others that this speak to realize that it is possible. It takes a lot of work and even more tears. But if there is the courage, work ethic, and desire, contentment (if even for a short time) is possible.

David... I am touched. Thank you for your words to me. You are doing GREAT! And so articulate! I don't see how you would have any problem finding a mate at all!

HUGS to you and Happy New Year!
Amy

Willow
12-29-2005, 04:19 AM
I just read your response on Willow's thread re "attachment problems" and find MUCH with which I could "resonate" as well....though I've now been married for...oh...gasp...shock....over 39 years! (Now don't all you young'uns FEEL YOUNG??!?!)

I've taken the liberty of pulling it out and re-posting it here, so that it doesn't get "lost" for me at the end of the long-ish thread.

I'm looking forward to coming to "know" you a bit more! You seem to have done some very good work on the issues in your life.

Grace and peace----and every blessing to you in this Christmastide.



Theo... thanks so much for doing this... I needed to read it again and keep it as a focus for my new year.

HUGS to ya!
Amy

Kerrin
12-29-2005, 05:30 AM
Welcome Tallin,
sorry for the late response.....been a bit pre-occupied.
Reading your post has just been really inspiring!!!!!
Thank you.
All I can say is you've given me a 'gift' tonight at a moment when, I was/am feeling REALLY low, and maybe 'over the hill'
Look forward to learning more!
Love
Kerrin;)

Tallin:Really struggling with forgiveness (still can't quite manage forgive though, for even animals protect their young). Anger (just avoid the person who is the trigger). Trust - especially in myself. Self esteme. And then, somehow, a light bulb went on.
I just wish my light bulb wouldn't need changing so often........:confused:

mary
12-29-2005, 06:02 AM
I echo others' sentiments here, Tallin - welcome, and know that you're in our prayers. :)

mary

Tallin
12-29-2005, 12:24 PM
Shame is a key problem. And it comes in various flavors. The shame we feel for wronging another. Or the shame we feel for being alive (as in my case) or a victim or other things that are not our fault. I can't really address the former, as I always was too afraid of self-loathing myself even more to risk it. But as for the latter, the shame felt for things not of our fault, I can provide a little help.

One therapist had a rather interesting viewpoint though, a rather interesting way/goal to overcome it. Work toward seeing it as part of your life story - not as something that defines you, but instead as an obstical that, once overcome, makes your story more interesting. I know that sounds like a VERY tall order - for years it seemed impossible for me. But having gotten past a few of the obsticals, I now realize it to be true.

Let me share this resource. It is from a faith based counseling service in Northern Virginia. There is an audio file there that might help. Please note that, while I underwent therapy with this organization, it was me and my work - not them - that really broke through. This was just a good guide/roadmap that helped me envision what a different life might look like.

http://www.pastoralcounseling.com/shameproject.htm