Theodora
12-22-2005, 02:32 PM
I just read your response on Willow's thread re "attachment problems" and find MUCH with which I could "resonate" as well....though I've now been married for...oh...gasp...shock....over 39 years! (Now don't all you young'uns FEEL YOUNG??!?!)
I've taken the liberty of pulling it out and re-posting it here, so that it doesn't get "lost" for me at the end of the long-ish thread.
I'm looking forward to coming to "know" you a bit more! You seem to have done some very good work on the issues in your life.
Grace and peace----and every blessing to you in this Christmastide.
Theodora
--
Your post, with the quote from Willow below:
12-22-2005, 04:08 PM
Tallin
Re: Attachment problems
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?p=21799#post21799
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What you wrote could have come from me. I find myself wanting someone, then when I get out there, I just am not quite finding what I want. And, usually, they get far more attached to me than I them and I find myself feeling like poo because I don't want to break a heart, yet I also don't want to be alone. For the record, I know I have an adult attachment disorder and I am working hard on overcoming it.
A few fast thoughts that sometimes help me:
1) Consider how amazing real deep, enduring attaction is. There are so many personalities out there, some more common than others. Add to that the number of differing tastes, preferences, and interests. Throw in that there needs to be a physical attraction, and is there any wonder why sometimes it is hard to find what you need/want? The best thing you can do is to do what feeds you, even if it is alone, and do so with an open mind. Maybe the guy serving the homeless next to you is feeling exactly the same way AND is your match - you won't know unless you put yourself out there in situations that feel "right" to you.
2) We are all afraid of being hurt and hurting others. Yet, when we focus too much on protecting others, sometimes we close down the routes or ways that that other person might be able to touch our souls, to feed us what we so need. Yes, there are times that you just KNOW that this other person is NOT for you - those are valid. But, at least for me, sometimes I really like someone but feel that it isn't ideal and hold back. What if I had, instead, been open to love's possibilities? Where there are two good souls in love, often, obsticals can be overcome. But it takes giving them a chance, to trust in them enough for them to be willing to decide what and who to trust their heart to.
3) And that comes to you, trusting your own heart. Is the reason you might be guarded or protecting others be, because, deep down you are terrified or have other baggage? We all have some, and it is okay. The key is to understand where it is coming from. In some cases, it might be a hurt that just never healed right - so work on it and give it a chance to heal right now. In other cases, it might be abuse (as in my case). This often requires therapy, but again, it can be healed. The key is to understand yourself, the good and the bad, and in that, understand what you need. Again, the good and the bad - the pure and the naugty, for they are all sides of you. Once you understand your needs, seek those who can fit them appropriately. Remember one thing too - with all the hurt you have faced, you still have the ability to heal. Thats true in love - indeed, sometimes, the process of falling in love can be slightly painful but oh so worth it.
4) Work on yourself. I am sure you are wonderful, but the truth is we all need to grow and evolve or we begin to die. Odds are by holding back, you actually have prevented growth. Now I am not saying to go nuts with your heart - not at all - but do things that help stregthen those things you feel are a little weak - exercise - take a class - teach a class. What doesn't so much matter as the process. It helps build up the good, it puts you out there in contexts that show you at your best (or worse and most human). And it gives you something else to think about and focus energy on.
5) Realize that no one is perfect. We ALL have our baggage, and we all at times need someone to lean on, just as we can be there for others to lean on. Some things are clearly appropriate. Some things are as clearly not. And there is a lot of gray. But it is in that process of exploring another soul that we sometimes find that we have bonded.
In short, realize that it just might be that you haven't quite met the right man. Realize that it might be that you are too protective, and need to lower some walls either protecting them or yourself. Work on making yourself the best version of you possible, not to be a perfectionist, but instead to point your spirit in the right way. And finally, realize that nothing will be perfect, and realize that in those flaws might lie real character.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Willow
Ya'll are great! Voyager... you always have jewels of wisdom. The guy I'm dating now meets the items on the list as far as I know.
Theo is right. I wish I could just be friends with him. I have a dear man friend who's gay. I am closer to him because I had a chance to develop a deep friendship with him. I get scared away when the other person gets serious before I really know them well. I want to feel the way toward them in return.
Jerry... trust really is the issue, isn't it? Getting out there and trying has been a big deal for me. I have been frightened of men for a long time. It feels good not to be so afraid anymore.
Joe... It's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with this problem. Too bad we don't live closer coz we could do "un-dates" and practice on each other so we don't get scared or hurt... LOL!
I've pretty much decided to detach myself from the current romance and see if a friendship can be salvaged. I feel like a real "fill-in-the-blank" for hurting another person. This is the reason I don't like dating. Someone always seems to get deeply hurt.
I've taken the liberty of pulling it out and re-posting it here, so that it doesn't get "lost" for me at the end of the long-ish thread.
I'm looking forward to coming to "know" you a bit more! You seem to have done some very good work on the issues in your life.
Grace and peace----and every blessing to you in this Christmastide.
Theodora
--
Your post, with the quote from Willow below:
12-22-2005, 04:08 PM
Tallin
Re: Attachment problems
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?p=21799#post21799
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What you wrote could have come from me. I find myself wanting someone, then when I get out there, I just am not quite finding what I want. And, usually, they get far more attached to me than I them and I find myself feeling like poo because I don't want to break a heart, yet I also don't want to be alone. For the record, I know I have an adult attachment disorder and I am working hard on overcoming it.
A few fast thoughts that sometimes help me:
1) Consider how amazing real deep, enduring attaction is. There are so many personalities out there, some more common than others. Add to that the number of differing tastes, preferences, and interests. Throw in that there needs to be a physical attraction, and is there any wonder why sometimes it is hard to find what you need/want? The best thing you can do is to do what feeds you, even if it is alone, and do so with an open mind. Maybe the guy serving the homeless next to you is feeling exactly the same way AND is your match - you won't know unless you put yourself out there in situations that feel "right" to you.
2) We are all afraid of being hurt and hurting others. Yet, when we focus too much on protecting others, sometimes we close down the routes or ways that that other person might be able to touch our souls, to feed us what we so need. Yes, there are times that you just KNOW that this other person is NOT for you - those are valid. But, at least for me, sometimes I really like someone but feel that it isn't ideal and hold back. What if I had, instead, been open to love's possibilities? Where there are two good souls in love, often, obsticals can be overcome. But it takes giving them a chance, to trust in them enough for them to be willing to decide what and who to trust their heart to.
3) And that comes to you, trusting your own heart. Is the reason you might be guarded or protecting others be, because, deep down you are terrified or have other baggage? We all have some, and it is okay. The key is to understand where it is coming from. In some cases, it might be a hurt that just never healed right - so work on it and give it a chance to heal right now. In other cases, it might be abuse (as in my case). This often requires therapy, but again, it can be healed. The key is to understand yourself, the good and the bad, and in that, understand what you need. Again, the good and the bad - the pure and the naugty, for they are all sides of you. Once you understand your needs, seek those who can fit them appropriately. Remember one thing too - with all the hurt you have faced, you still have the ability to heal. Thats true in love - indeed, sometimes, the process of falling in love can be slightly painful but oh so worth it.
4) Work on yourself. I am sure you are wonderful, but the truth is we all need to grow and evolve or we begin to die. Odds are by holding back, you actually have prevented growth. Now I am not saying to go nuts with your heart - not at all - but do things that help stregthen those things you feel are a little weak - exercise - take a class - teach a class. What doesn't so much matter as the process. It helps build up the good, it puts you out there in contexts that show you at your best (or worse and most human). And it gives you something else to think about and focus energy on.
5) Realize that no one is perfect. We ALL have our baggage, and we all at times need someone to lean on, just as we can be there for others to lean on. Some things are clearly appropriate. Some things are as clearly not. And there is a lot of gray. But it is in that process of exploring another soul that we sometimes find that we have bonded.
In short, realize that it just might be that you haven't quite met the right man. Realize that it might be that you are too protective, and need to lower some walls either protecting them or yourself. Work on making yourself the best version of you possible, not to be a perfectionist, but instead to point your spirit in the right way. And finally, realize that nothing will be perfect, and realize that in those flaws might lie real character.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Willow
Ya'll are great! Voyager... you always have jewels of wisdom. The guy I'm dating now meets the items on the list as far as I know.
Theo is right. I wish I could just be friends with him. I have a dear man friend who's gay. I am closer to him because I had a chance to develop a deep friendship with him. I get scared away when the other person gets serious before I really know them well. I want to feel the way toward them in return.
Jerry... trust really is the issue, isn't it? Getting out there and trying has been a big deal for me. I have been frightened of men for a long time. It feels good not to be so afraid anymore.
Joe... It's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with this problem. Too bad we don't live closer coz we could do "un-dates" and practice on each other so we don't get scared or hurt... LOL!
I've pretty much decided to detach myself from the current romance and see if a friendship can be salvaged. I feel like a real "fill-in-the-blank" for hurting another person. This is the reason I don't like dating. Someone always seems to get deeply hurt.