becoming we....If I may....TRIGGERS

[ninaspirit]

I am trying to come to terms with an experience I had last spring. It a difficult experience to relate...uh, hard to remember and I don't know why I keep trying except my mind wants to be back in control of the situation...of my life. Some say it is healing to tell/write and retell the experience until it is no longer controlling along with other ways for surviving. so that is why I am coming out of we for saying this:

My last family doctor said he was only interested in serious health issues like cancer and such. My issues were trivial as he sat with the information I wanted just next to his chair.... his response triggered "erased" feelings and I decided I couldn't take another erasing....since that appointment I went to walkins for minor issues.

10 years later... I decided to find a woman doctor who would be more sensitive to my needs and be more of everything that I was needing in a doctor. So last spring found me in a woman doctor's office hoping to question her about her practice before making a decision. As I sat waiting and listening to the sounds of people talking and walking down the hallway just outside the office I was led to, a loud voice was coming from the office next door. I thought I should leave and just never come back. I don't know if it was the voice next door that triggered the wanting to leave but she was giving loud orders and I thought maybe somebody was hard of hearing: "I want you to...." and it went on and on. I told myself its just me, its just me and my past experiences scaring me. I can stay. I can stay and deal. I stayed. It is still difficult to think about the appointment without triggers and shaking. My thoughts say I should be over this, past it and on to the next chapter. but I'm not. can't even go there. instead at times I feel like I'm starting all over again. everything I learned about being confident and sure of my decisions seems to evaporate. my head feels like nothing is the same anymore. thoughts break up if I try to talk about it in person. and the top of my head still numbs with shock. stop. and I have tried through my spritiual part to believe this will heal. it is hard to see that right now.

The doctor next door was the doctor who would be seeing me. Dr. A walked into her office, introduced herself in a short voice and end of nice doctor. She asked several times why I was in her office. First I told her I was wanting to change to a woman doctor. It wasn't good enough. she asked again. I repeated and from there it went downhill. She repeatedly and loudly told me I had no rights to change doctors, saying they, the doctors have ethics, they all work together [at the clinic/hospital] Then asked again why I wanted to change doctors. My eyes began measuring the distance between the door and the doctor. the doctor to the door. I have no rights. what did I do wrong. did Canada's laws change? leave. stay. leave. go. no stay. I can deal. Dr. A continued with badgering and asked again why I wanted to change doctors. I told her about my last doctor. still not enough. why can't I leave. I can help her understand. I will make it differnt. I will make it work right. as I write this I feel stupid for not leaving. her voice is loud and demanding. I have become a little girl again trying to help my dad understand why he should think differntly. I can't leave. to leave would mean being a coward. she would know I am weak. stay. show I can deal. I stay. If I leave I will cry. It would show her/him they are right about how sensitive I am. that I can't take it. but what she is doing is not realistic. no doctor has ever talked to me this way before. I have no control of my mind. I have to answer the questions. I have to give the right answers. I can do this. After 18 years of therapy I can do this. I can show that I've learned to be strong. but my eyes keep measuring the distances till I tell myself I am not leaving. Now I have no choice but to stay. Dr. A did offer for me to leave if I wanted but I said no, I'll stay.

Dr. A asks again why I am changing doctors. I tell her I didn't want to have to explain but if I had to I would. I had been abused in x number of ways and trying to find ways for being in more comfortable places. By this time I was crying and feeling like I had no control of my mouth. It has to say whatever is asked. It was me who was suppose to ask the questions and decide about a doctor but this was no longer even a thought. how could this be happening. my head was spinning. how do others do this. how does one survive a doctor's appointment. Dr. A. said she would do the physical exam but after that I would have to go back to my own doctor and again repeated I couldn't change doctors - she didn't hear I no longer considered him my doctor. She said she would interrogate me about my history - I thought she meant she would ask questions and we would discuss them like adults so I agreed - also thinking then she would understand better if I took the time to explain. I thought she used the term interrogate because she was obviously from a differnt country and maybe just hadn't completely learned full meanings of words. so naive of me. we have many new doctors from differnt countries in our hospital - I convinced myself she just didn't know the terms because she spoke in broken English.





sometimes sharing something good feels like we're giving it away. we wish someone would just take this away. but it sits inside like a disease taking my memory for blocking. we have it written on paper and in our computer and if we can stand to read it, we can remember. but when we look away our head goes blank. it seems I remember less each time. is that how mind control works? or is it healing so we don't have to remember? its christmas time. it should be differnt. it shouldn't be about this.

today we are helping C.....get her letters ready for the hospital and health care people in higher offices about her doctor experience. tomorrow some will go in the mail. but in the mean time she still struggles with how to make her own words from her mouth make sense if people call and ask questions. she will say. please put it in writing and mail your questions to me. we hope they don't call. ninas.

The interrogation.....in another post. our insides are geting tight. need to take a break. maybe tomorrow. C.....

[gwen]

Dear Ninas,

I read your account of what happened to you. It was a horrible experience and I'm so sorry that you had to go through something like that! Please keep sharing as you feel comfortable...I think that it will be beneficial to you for you to share with us here.

((((((Ninas)))))))

Love, Gwen

[butterfly]

Ninas, Hugs hugs for all of you. Is C writing to the higher up people to tell on that mean Dr.? I hope so.
It was not any of you who caused her to treat you the way she did. Remeber you heard her yell at others before you appointment.
Will you try another Dr.? There has to be a good one out there for you. Maybe your therpist could tell you of a good one.
You are one brave lady who does not need to be treated like you were. Your poor Ninas inside must of been very scard.
This Dr needs to be told on. Keep yourselfs safe and I pray you willfind a good DR.
Merry Christmas to all of you. I have been thinking about you all. I am glad you checked in with us. butterfly

[Cathy654]

Oh the familiar feelings this post brought on!!!!:rolleyes: I know juat exactly how it is to stay when you want to go. I don't think I have ever walked out of the room on anyone! Tho God knows I have needed to so many times! And having to answer ALL the questions, no matter how rude or rudely put. Having the situation turned around, where when you want to ask questions and get accountability from someone, you become like a sheep. Can't open your mouth in your own defense or have a side of your own. Just give the right answers. Please them, please them. No matter how many times I have walked into an office or stood in front of a person with a legitimate issue, I immediately feel like a non-person who has to grovel for what seems to be the rights as a person everyone else seems to know instinctively that they have. For some reason people seem to sense this, and jump right in and stand over me (figuratively) no matter what the situation. You're not alone my friend.
God bless you.
Cathy

[Janice]

(((((((((((((((((((( C ))))))))))))))))

I want to commend you for writing, and for trying. I am very proud of you! ( you are NOT "stuffing" like I do!) GOOD GIRL!!

I've had similiar experiences. More then once I've measured the difference from the desk to the door. Even the psyc I am presently seeing isn't "all that". We don't really "talk". We just make idle conversation and he refills my meds.

Sometimes I think I should go back to my psycologist instead of just seeing my psychaiatrist. At least I "talked" there. (well...actually, I cried the entire time!). But that gave me release at least a couple times a week.

I've missed you on messenger. Hopefully we will catch up soon!

Hang in there! You're doing a wondeful job!

[Jerry]

Dear Ninas,,,
That Doctor is wrong,,,,I wouldn't let her treat a pimple on my dogs butt.Don't you own what she did,,,,be brave your right ;)
Love Jerry

[SpinningHead]

Hello ((Ninas))

Dr. A was a jerk! Please don't beat yourself up for having hindsight that you should have left. The experience sounds so shocking that at the time, you were probably very shocked and what to do wasn't clear. You can feel good that if anything like that were to ever happen again...you would recognize it right away and know how to handle it...whether it be addressing the evil person's behavior or getting yourself out of the situation. Please forgive yourself for not leaving...you wouldn't repeat that again...you're too smart for it now. :)

Any woman doctor should understand that a woman patient would feel more comfortable with a woman doctor. I know I do! Dr. A was an extra-double jerk for not respecting that response. That should have been enough for her and it should have ended the question. To interrogate you like that!! Who does she think she is??? She was a triple-JERK! :mad: :mad: :mad: I hope she doesn't get anything good for Christmas!

And I hope you get every good feeling you deserve for Christmas!

[Eleanor]

Ninaspirit;

If you run into another ------ like her again you could tell her/him you are doing research on abusive MD's for a newspaper article and thanks for the material!.

I am sorry you had such a horrible experience. You deserve to be treated with respect!

love,
Eleanor

[gwen]

Dear Ninas,

I know that Canada has a different medical system than we do in the US, but I've changed doctors before because I didn't like a particular doctor. They are working for YOU! (Though many times they don't act like it...just like what you experienced.) I changed pediatricians when my oldest son was 2 years old, after going to this doctor since he was a newborn. She treated me and him wrongfully, so I went looking for a different doctor!

I agree with Jerry and everyone else...the problem is with her, not you! You're right!

Love, Gwen

[Willow]

Dear Ninas,

I don't understand why you aren't allowed to change doctors? That doctor was mean spirited and should be reported if it would do any good to report her. I wish I could go intimidate her like she did you!

Amy

[Carmen]

Hi ((((Ninas)))),

That doctor was really insensitive to your needs. One wonders why she became a doctor. I hope you are able to find another, but with state insurance that may not always be easy. Here we can switch doctors fairly easily, despite state insurance. Could you change clinics? Maybe a psych could help you change doctors by giving an order for it since it would benefit you from a psychological viewpoint.

I have felt like you do, sometimes, especially when in a new country or a new situation. It makes me feel like a child again...uncertain of what to say, even the thoughts cloud up sometimes. I'd like to see what she'd do in some of the situations I've been in. Just send her to a doctor over here that doesn't know any foreign languages and see what happens....Heh! Heh!

Maybe she is from another planet. That would explain it. No common frame of reference whatsoever.

Ooooh! If I could go with you, I'd give her everything I've got and then some! :mad:

Carmen

[Pinkie Pie]

That was REALLLLLLLY MEAN of that doctor to treat you like that. Boy did your experience ring a bell with me.

Unfortunately I have learned that just because a doctor is a woman doesn't mean she'll be nice to me. I had an ObGyn woman doctor, who was treating me for a serious condition a few years ago. I ended up having to go to the emergency room one night because of the condition, and the emergency room doctor had to call my doctor to get approval to admit me, because as I heard him tell her, I was going into shock.

She told him she had never heard of me, didn't know who I was, and couldn't admit me!!!!! Finally after checking her records she remembered me, but she still wouldn't let him admit me. I'll never forget the look of disgust on the emergency room doctor's face when he got off the phone. I knew then I would never go back to that lady. She must not have been very personally involved in me as a patient if she couldn't even remember me.

This lady you went to sounds like she doesn't care at all about PEOPLE, let alone her patients. How dare she treat you like that!!!! But don't beat up on yourself because you didn't leave. When someone is bullying like that, it is hard to think straight sometimes. I know my mind would be going in a million different directions, trying just to survive the interrogation (which is what it was!) and process all the different thoughts going on and wondering what to do.

You are in a good situation now because you are away from her and don't have to be around her anymore. That is in YOUR control.

That "poor" doctor, she has to be around herself 24 / 7 and can NEVER get away from herself. What miserable company!

[truth]

I know what you mean about some of these docs .... trust your instincts about it all --- you are right and --- like many of our former pastors --- they aren't (contrary to belief - their's mainly) God! Society has just conditioned us to look at certain people like ministers, doctors, etc as "untouchable", God-like and always right --- they're not, let me tell you...

Several weeks ago I took our 8-year old daughter to the pediatricians because she had a minor, ordinary fall-type cold or allergy......our normal pediatrician was out so we took another doctor instead.....this guy looked at my daughter for maybe 2-minutes, never had seen her before and announced she had asthma!

Asthma? Asthma? I said how could she possible have asthma - we have gone to the other doc for 6 - years and never ever has she ever mentioned or even hinted at asthma! He laughed at me and made light of the whole thing like it was a splinter and I was an idiot and said, "well, yah know you're not alone, most of the moms don't want to hear it -- they're in denial alot too....ha, ha," It was crazy it was saidistic I just kept my mouth shut because I knew I was about "to blow" he wanted to give her an inhaler device and anti-biotics for it and I put my foot down and just quietly said, "before I do anything I need to return and talk to our regular doctor" well, he laughs again and says, "do it, that's ok, it won't hurt my ego ...." I just had to get out of there and away from this moron before I went a little crazy and said or did something I would regret!

My hubby took our child back, the reg doc was incredulous and said of course she doesn't have asthma! that was the end of it and shes fine!

Trust yourself , you did a good job just to survive the visit and leave some of these people aren't playing with a "full-deck" if you ask me and we are learning not to just mindlessly give our power away to them --- it's right and good to question!

truth

[Meg Evenstar]

Ninas, I agree with the others. I have had my share of bad doctor experiences and I don't think female doctors or any better than male doctors. For most of my illness I have had to do the doctor's work for them because they are into treating symptoms and not finding the root cause of, or treating, disease. I am considering going cold turkey on my own or to an Natural Path doctor. Problem is I will have to pay out of my own pocket because my insurence does not cover an ND.

Anyway, just take comfort in that you are not alone and I have reacted just like you did when it happened to me. First you are so shocked that they are doing this and you are caught so off guard, that you are frozen in the shock. Next time just get up and walk out. Tell them thank you very much, but I already have a mother and besides I'm an adult. I don't have to take this from you.

Meg

[ninaspirit]

Thank you, all of you for being so supportive in your responses. that was the pre-interogation part. some times when we try to say what happened to people here where we live, they listen and say sory it happened. but we don't hear anger that some thing like that can happen. our head still feels like it didn't happen to her.

do people find they have to work through again and again to get where it is easier. we are thankful for peple who listen and encourage. thank you. some times she thinks she shouldn't have to tell it any more. it should be over. but it isn't.

yes Dr. A is mean. her mouth had a smile and asked her why are you crying when it is time for leaving. she is not 5 feet tall. she is dark with black wavy hair to her shoulders. she is happy with her job. she is snobbish. how she doesn't hear. how she walks. how she puts her head back and her heels click like a strike when she walks. and she smiles. she is pretty. in her eyes. but her voice is difernt with words. we hate her. she is looking like a brat who gets what she wants when she wants it how she wants it. can trust a croc more. you know it will eat you.

C..... did write letters when her head was still having all the information. before she is we. one was sent to the doctor and the hospital asking for a letter saying sorry. she wrote back it said, "sorry, I didn't see that my treatment to you made you uncomfortable. I will still treat you if you are needing medical assistance." the hospital didn't write back. she froze. she can not go in the hospital if our body is sick. they won't say who the doctor is on call. she can not treat us. that is why C.... wrote more letters. to the hospital and the people in health care who helped bring the doctor in this country.

the letters won't get done before christmas like I hoped. I left them with my therapist today so they are removed till after the weekend. we'll set a day for doing that some time after christmas. plan - to do it before the new year so not having to do it in the new year.

tomorrow is my last day of work before christmas till 2nd week in january. need to finsih the tree. friday I will try to finish shopping. saturday a freind and I will try to connect, maybe go for a walk. sunday is christmas with my children. have to kep moving. refocus. I want to go away and be alone. turn off lights. lock doors. watch movies. sleep. turn off phones. not be home. and stay in bed.

thank you again for listening. we will write about the interogation part another day. C.....and us ninas.

[Janice]

I want to go away and be alone. turn off lights. lock doors. watch movies. sleep. turn off phones. not be home. and stay in bed.

[B]Oh no you don't Missy! if I'm not allowed to then neither are you! ;)
You'll be fine sweetie! Just remember to breathe!
Hope you have a beautiful Christmas!

For what it's worth:
We have a new/old member. They've recently been intregrated and posted on the NACR forum if you're interested.[ I think the thread is titled "returning to safe place" or something like that./B]

[SpinningHead]

do people find they have to work through again and again to get where it is easier. we are thankful for peple who listen and encourage. thank you. some times she thinks she shouldn't have to tell it any more. it should be over. but it isn't.

I feel that way all the time...that I have to revisit memories and express feelings about them...and at the same time I feel that I shouldn't have to visit those memories anymore, that I should be beyond the experience. But there's a part of me that hasn't had it's full say yet so I need to visit those memories. I have learned to be patient with myself and I've learned to understand if I do visit those memories as often as I feel I need to...I'm a little bit better about it than I was before. I've also learned to ask myself, "what was the purpose of visiting that memory?" and a lot of the times the answer is "to get to a different thinking about it". That's worth the visit. Does that make sense??

Ninas, I think you're very brave.

[ninaspirit]

I realized yesterday that I was reading your responses and not able to remember so I'm printing them out so I can take them with me and read and remember your words that way. Processing is slow. I think I lost some time some where this week. will try to come back this evening. thank you all very much. C.....

[Pinkie Pie]

I feel that way all the time...that I have to revisit memories and express feelings about them...and at the same time I feel that I shouldn't have to visit those memories anymore, that I should be beyond the experience. But there's a part of me that hasn't had it's full say yet so I need to visit those memories. I have learned to be patient with myself and I've learned to understand if I do visit those memories as often as I feel I need to...I'm a little bit better about it than I was before. I've also learned to ask myself, "what was the purpose of visiting that memory?" and a lot of the times the answer is "to get to a different thinking about it". That's worth the visit. Does that make sense??

Ninas, I think you're very brave.

I do that too, and have been very hard on myself about it. I feel like I am being obsessive about the particular incident. Why do I keep going over and over it in my mind? Am I walking in unforgiveness about it? Is satan attacking my mind? And those thoughts just add to the shame I feel about revisiting the memories, like there is something wrong with me.

But I like your approach, SpinningHead. It's just the way we are put together and how we work through stuff. It's exhausting sometimes though, you know? Sometimes it feels easier to just give up and let all the thoughts bombarding my mind have their way. I know how Ninas feel, about just shutting away from the world.

[ninaspirit]

we wish we could stay and read and respond - there is so much to remember again. :) thanks we have to let our I go to work. ninas.

[Willow]

HUGSSSSS Ninas!

[ninaspirit]

we can't say enough thanks. we wish we could say more for all your repsonses. we try. our head gos numb. sorry. but we hope all you know we are thankful and some where in our head we are hearing your words. and hope C.....is taking them in for helping.

we can't remember the interrogation part so we took it from her first writing:

Dr. A goes to her computer and brings up my file. The information about the sexual abuse is there - the way Dr. P wrote it when I told him about 20 years ago. Dr. A says there will be an interrogation. I am thinking she is meaning she will ask questions and we will discuss them so I agree. She begins questioning about the sexual abuse in a way that I feel I have to answer. It is how she asks with a domineering controlled flat voice. fast. one after the other. with not stopping to explain. It makes the answers come out. She asks questions based on what is in the file. Then she asks why I did not leave my family. Why did I not leave my family sooner. Then the same thing about my ex husband. Why did I leave him. Why did I not leave sooner. She says occasionally, “your family does not deserve you.” In the middle of the interrogation, Dr. A says, “now you are my patient.“ She does not ask if that is what I am wanting. Then she goes back to interrogating. She asks, “do you drink alcohol?” no. “do you drink alcohol?” no. “do you drink alcohol?” no “you don’t drink any alcohol?” no. “do you do street drugs?” no. “do you do street drugs?” no. She says, “you don’t do any street drugs?” I say it depends on what you mean by street drugs. I said, if you mean cocaine or marijuana, no. “you don’t do any street drugs?” I said I take Tylenol from the drug store. She did not explain her questions, she just moved on to the next question. She says the interrogation is over now. I am still crying and she looks at me and says why are you crying? as if she didn’t notice. I said it is hard to go through all this. I am confused and frustrated and I say thank you for understanding. This all sounds so stupid. So very very stupid. Dr. A says she wants me to come for a physical the following week because it is too hard to do it all at once. I agreed and left her office. She is like on a high from the interrogation.

It is time to leave. I walk down the hall. I have to keep it together. My mind is exploding inside. I can’t. I can’t let it show. I walk out to the car but on the parking lot the pictures fall out of my head. All my memories - her words go through every memory in my whole life all at once and I see them flash in front of me. All the memories falling out every where. At once. I can’t stop them. It is too much. Shock. To remember it all at once. I split. Someone else has to take this. Someone else. I cannot do this. It is too much. I feel raped. Completely raped in my mind. I should not have stayed. I should not have trusted. I should not have gone at all. This is how life is. Every time to trust is not safe. It is slow motion. To go to the car. I have to not cry. I have to not cry. I have to go to work. Call my boss. Tell him I am on my way to pick up my student. I have to stay together. If I fall apart I will never get back together but I am all apart. I am in pieces every where. It is a whole week to say it is just because I was abused how I am feeling. If I don’t go to the appointment, it will show I am weak. I cry and shake every evening. I am not sure how to say no. I tell myself I will go. I will take my pills and go. She will not see me cry. It is a physical. I block and block and block and I can go through a physical. I say it is better than the other appointment. She tells me I am basically healthy but I am obese and says I need to work on that. She says she wants me to come back the next week for a blood pressure check - she says it is always too high on the same day as a physical. That is strange to me. So I say, it is not like that for me. She says we can do it now. My blood pressure is normal. Then she wants me to have blood work done the next week and come back in 2 weeks. She tells me she will give the blood test results then and tell me what she wants me to do for obesity. It sounds like a lot of times to see a doctor. In the first appointment she said there are too many people who are not seeing a doctor who need to, now she is wanting all these appointments that can be for someone else. I have not had a doctor like that before. She is very strange. I decide no more appointments with Dr. A.

It is a week of shaking. My head does not know how to put words together if we try to think about the appointments. I am in shock. I am not able to talk right. I am become 3 instead of just me. How I think is changing. It is shocks and more shocks. It is hard to watch how we are not thinking how we did before. It is crazy.

We are ok with the changes (us) for the most part. It is just making us feel like how we are talking is not helping our then therapist (J) and Dr. F for understanding or believing me about Dr. A. J is new and she is just a support worker - she does not know how I work or how more than one insider works for me. She is not trained for that. She says she will ask Dr. F. I wait for her to tell me what Dr. F thinks - at the next appointment J says people have to just learn how to deal with it every day and go on - says we should just keep taking our pills and going to work every day. but our head is raped. We try to explain but her questions are not related to what we are saying. So we say she is not understanding. She says, then explain it to me better C....... But she is not letting us know if she believes us. We think she is talking with Dr. F like we are going into our past so we are not functioning in our present. Ninas is just how we can cope with the doctor experience so my memories in my past are protected from the doctor experience. We did not ask for our memories to come back like that. Dr. F does not seem to know about a healing process - she just knows pills and cognitive therapy. We are still too much in shock to say how it is so we give her a paper what says what happened. Dr. F looks at the top of the page then she cannot stop herself. She just has to say it. She tries not to shake her finger at me so she bends it and it shakes anyway. She says, you should not have to go into your past, so you can function in the present. We are seeing she is not knowing at all what is happening. We say that is our healing process. Is all we can say. So she goes back to reading and says it seems like you have some grave concerns about Dr. A. I said yes and say I wrote the Dr. a letter and a copy of it to the hospital admin. She gives me a paper for seroquel to help sort my thoughts. We feel dtoo drowsy after taking it for 3 days so we quit. Then we take ½ and we are still drowsy. We try ¼ for a few days and feel dead. No more seroquel. It is better to feel and deal.

Dr. F mentioned the College of Physicians and Surgeons so I looked it up on the internet. I learned that Dr. A was trained in Cuba. It is a communist country. We think that is why she did an interrogation. We think it is how she is trained. But we don’t think it is ok to do that in Canada.

We try to talk about the Dr. experience with J but she says, “YOU MUST know YOU HAVE the right to LEAVE IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE, RIGHT?” it is hurting too much. We are not ready for this. we say she is not understanding. So we try again. She does not say how she heard anything but says the same question. This is a way we can not trust her with what we say. We say yes, we know we had the right to leave before and after but don’t know why we didn’t leave. It feels like a trick question. We feel humiliated again. We feel like she does not believe us about what happened because we should have known we should leave. She does not want to commit herself to that. It is ok. We are not needing her now. We are not feeling comfortable with J for a while how she is getting information and pretending to they are her words. THE QUESTION is probably a cue meant for Dr. A but we decide to use it for J. It is just important to us for our therapist to believe us and acknowledge how it is for us. If it is not how they can do it, it is hard to trust them. Then it is better for not having them.


There is a difference between an interrogation in a controlling way from a controlling person who dominates right away and person who is just being really ignorant about a situation. It is easier to leave the last one. We should have left the doctors appointment too but we didn’t. It was stupid for trying to make it work. But we still have to deal with what happened for staying. It is still painful. Sometimes we still have shock. We know we have a right to leave when we are uncomfortable but we would leave lots of times in lots of different places if we would leave every time we are uncomfortable. We try to know which ones to leave. It is not always working right. We made a big mistake. Maybe it is not forgivable after lots of years of help. How c.... is thinking is different and she is starting to think maybe it is how things will stay inside her head. it is feeling like starting all over again. too much.

we know our head might forget again after we post. it is starting already. bye. ninas.

[ninaspirit]

checking wasn't able to post

[Hope 98]

I am so sad for you!

Why do people who are supposed to help act so bad?

Hope Christmas is nice for you - I pray the new year brings good changes.

Bless you!

[Leslie]

Dear Ninas,
I'm sorry your experience was so tough. I hope you are doing well.
Merry Christmas,
Leslie

[ninaspirit]

you all have kind words for C....'s doctor apointment. some of us say we are not enough to write here. to be here with this. like this. they are wanting us taken off. asked admin for taking us off then leave us on. so we might disapear. she is needing help some one who can help her out from her cloud. today our head is keeping some words from the memory more than other days. she is not atached. inside. but she is seing what happend at the doctor. we are going to help her find her bed now and stay with her till she sleeps. she is tired. it is hard knowing what she should do with all the words now. they are still finding there places inside our head. thank you all for listending and praying for her an us for the memory coming up to the top. we need prayer for 14. she is gone. we are missing her. she is one who knows how C..... is needing help and helps us know what to do for helping C...... 14 is our God part. us ninas.

we can put this here. it is for healing. yes. ok.

[Janice]

you all have kind words for C....'s doctor apointment. some of us say we are not enough to write here. to be here with this. like this. they are wanting us taken off. asked admin for taking us off then leave us on. so we might disapear. she is needing help some one who can help her out from her cloud. today our head is keeping some words from the memory more than other days. she is not atached. inside. but she is seing what happend at the doctor. we are going to help her find her bed now and stay with her till she sleeps. she is tired. it is hard knowing what she should do with all the words now. they are still finding there places inside our head. thank you all for listending and praying for her an us for the memory coming up to the top. we need prayer for 14. she is gone. we are missing her. she is one who knows how C..... is needing help and helps us know what to do for helping C...... 14 is our God part. us ninas.

we can put this here. it is for healing. yes. ok.

YES! IT IS OK! ;)

[Carmen]

Hi ((((((Ninas)))))))),

I feel so sad for you, what you had to go through. :( I even admit I am crying, and I am not the emotional type. If I hadn't gone through such insensitivity, I wouldn't believe you, but I do. I wish I could have been there to defend you...I'd just stay away from those interrogators - they do more harm than good. I still suffer from what I went through, too. I will keep you in my prayers.

Love, Love and more Love and hugs,

Carmen

[ninaspirit]

"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise renews my life." Psalm 119:50. for 14 if you can read it. thnak you Carmen

some more would be ok. maybe 1 or 2 not to much at a time. plese. ok. ninas.

we want to respond to peoples words but it is hard knowing how to connect. so sory. some are readig them from inside but not having acess here. so plese don't stop. ok.

[Jerry]

you all have kind words for C....'s doctor apointment. some of us say we are not enough to write here. to be here with this. like this. they are wanting us taken off. asked admin for taking us off then leave us on. so we might disapear. she is needing help some one who can help her out from her cloud. today our head is keeping some words from the memory more than other days. she is not atached. inside. but she is seing what happend at the doctor. we are going to help her find her bed now and stay with her till she sleeps. she is tired. it is hard knowing what she should do with all the words now. they are still finding there places inside our head. thank you all for listending and praying for her an us for the memory coming up to the top. we need prayer for 14. she is gone. we are missing her. she is one who knows how C..... is needing help and helps us know what to do for helping C...... 14 is our God part. us ninas.

we can put this here. it is for healing. yes. ok.
Dear Ninas,,,,
We are not sure what is going on here,,,,,but know this,,,,,you ninas are a wonderful spirit,,,and we all are better for you ninas being here,,,,,,we love you :D
Love Jerry

[ninaspirit]

Thnak you Jerry,

we do feel acepted here. some tims if it is hard some of us feel we should take us some where else. we know it is hard for people understnading some times. sory some times we are talking with ourselfs in our post. people say our I is a complecated person but inside we're not really.

if people have qusetions we hope they know they can ask. ok. just be kind plese like you are to each other. we are like that inside.

our head remembred the doctor apointment more clear from writing here and now it isn't being a threat in our head. it is part of healing. right. we know peple are praying for us. and we say thank you. it is easeir then and beter since our head remembers. ninas.

[Willow]

good ninas... I feel safe with you here. HUGS

[Hope 98]

Ninas - I am so glad that this is helping you.

Your posts come across so full of gentleness and wisdom. Bless you!

[SpinningHead]

Hi Ninas,

I hope your Christmas was a nice one. :)

You said I could ask a question so I want to but before I do I want to say again what I said before...that doctor was a wicked jerk to you! I am so mad at her for you!

My question is that I'm wondering if you are feeling a little more ok being able to share this experience with us? I ask because I have heard that the more you share a bad experience, it's hurts just a little bit less with each telling. Is that true for you in this case?

Reading what you went through I can feel how scared and unsure you were at having to answer all those questions. Do you still feel the same feelings as strong as they once were?

I don't know how to tell you I care for you other than to say, "I care for you". That seems to simple, doesn't it?

[ninaspirit]

Hi Ninas,

I hope your Christmas was a nice one. :)

You said I could ask a question so I want to but before I do I want to say again what I said before...that doctor was a wicked jerk to you! I am so mad at her for you!

My question is that I'm wondering if you are feeling a little more ok being able to share this experience with us? I ask because I have heard that the more you share a bad experience, it's hurts just a little bit less with each telling. Is that true for you in this case?

Reading what you went through I can feel how scared and unsure you were at having to answer all those questions. Do you still feel the same feelings as strong as they once were?

I don't know how to tell you I care for you other than to say, "I care for you". That seems to simple, doesn't it?


Hi Spinninghead, yes we had a peaceful Christmas. :) we hope you had a nice Christmas too. Thank you for sharing our pain and telling us you care for us. Too simple - no. that is how Jesus would say it. and it feels like a warm blanket on our shoulders. thank you. We are learning people here are very caring and protective of each other. It helps us feel safe to. we hope some how we can learn to care and protect others here to. so much times we feel detached and wish could conect beter for others.

it was more easy telling the part about the interrogation and when we did it came back gently. we read about it from other writing instead of making our head remember. it was more gentle that way. after we had shock/shaking during the night but our head kept the information mostly. The thoughts are still going in their places for access. but we can let that happen without us working on it. the way C.... thinks about it is she is not having to think about when the memory will come back any more. it is here. and our head feels more normal - for how our thinking usually is. so no, the scared feelings are not so strong now for remembering. thank you for asking. :) us ninas.