Is it just me???? Need to vent!

[Pinkie Pie]

Does anyone else have this problem? Someone who you know well enough to know they are safe and really do care about you, because over a period of time (in this case 3-1/2 years) they have been consistently loving and supportive, if an incident occurs where they seem to be rude to you or say something harsh to you or seem to ignore you, your FIRST reaction (and STRONGEST reaction) is "Oh so that's how they REALLY are!" instead of that maybe they are having a bad day. Or some other paranoid thoughts, like "I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!"

One of the things I absolutely HATE about this healing process is that I feel so egocentric. Like EVERYTHING that happens between me and another person (well actually only those whom I have really started to trust) is somehow related to me.

But what if sometimes it really IS related to me? What if sometimes they really ARE irritated with me or mad at me or whatever and so act differently with me than the norm? My first reaction, like I said, is to just say FORGET IT! NOT YOU TOO! Even if those incidents are few and far between. One of the hardest things I am having to learn is that even safe people can hurt me sometimes, intentionally or unintentionally. And do I address it with them or let it go? Maintaining healthy relationships is SOOO foreign to me.

If anyone has any input or even can just empathize with what I am saying, I sure could use some encouragement. I am totally bummed today because someone I really care about at my church and who has consistently supported and loved me, seemed to deliberately snub me in the restroom last night. I mean LITERALLY. We were both in there alone, and she and I are never in the RR at the same time, and so when she came out I said, "It seems strange to see you in here!" laughingly. She completely ignored me, stuck her head out the RR door to call after someone in the hallway, came back into the RR and said, "There's no soap" and left out. I was crushed. After bible study, I went home and cried like a baby for 15 minutes. What's wrong with me????? Why did it hurt me so much??????? :( :( :( And I've tried to console myself that maybe she was very preoccupied about something, or maybe she doesn't like other people in the RR when she is in there, or maybe she was distracted because there was no soap or who knows.

But nothing makes me feel better because in the back of my mind, I remember how I always made excuses for those who spiritually abused me, which allowed them to do it for YEARS, and now I'm like, I don't want to cut anyone any slack.

I hate being this way.:mad: :mad: :( :(

[SpinningHead]

I recommend the book Crucial Conversations (yet again...I know, I keep recommending this book but I really think everyone should read it. It's not a Christian book but wow! it's really packed with some great stuff!).

One part talks about how we fill in the gaps of facts/events to ourselves and how that can lead us away from what we really should know about the facts/events. The book provides conversation tools that help us to confront another person about their behavior so we can understand the reasons behind a fact/event.

If your friend is a safe place, then you could ask her straight out...When we were in the bathroom and you didn't reply to my silly comment, I felt as though there is something not being said between us. Did I understand that right? See what she says...let her know you're a safe place for her to tell her feelings to and that you really care about her feelings as she has done for you.

I really liked that you said, what if it really IS related to me. That is so huge in courage! To be able to wonder about yourself, check your own behavior and be willing to own it! I wish more people were like you!!!! :)

[Pinkie Pie]

That's a good suggestion, Spinning Head. I also like what you said about letting her see I'm a safe place. I never looked at it from that perspective. Me pouting and retreating into myself would definitely say I'm NOT a safe place. You really encouraged me! :)

[SpinningHead]

That's a good suggestion, Spinning Head. I also like what you said about letting her see I'm a safe place. I never looked at it from that perspective. Me pouting and retreating into myself would definitely say I'm NOT a safe place. You really encouraged me! :)

Your welcome. Anyone named Pinkie Pie w/ a CareBear for an avatar has just got to be the cutest person alive! So don't fret and know that you are a good friend to folks. :D

[Carmen]

Hi Pinkie,

It is not just you. I am oversensitive sometimes too, which unfortunately can lead to overreactions on my part. I try to give slack wherever possible, but don't always make it. There are times when I am not a safe place. I don't always know what to say in an immediate situation and that makes me angry at myself and at those that I think caused the situation. I hope that I can learn to cope with this too, on the road to maturity. The farther I go, the more I see there is a looong way to go. Just take it one step at a time.

Good advice Spinning Head! :D That way of thinking about it helped me, too.

Carmen

[Theodora]

Know that I could really empathize with you and yes....I too have had situations like that which cut to the core. I'm not sure what the "answer" is---I also liked Spinning Head's suggestion---though I don't know that I personally would have the courage to really lay things on the line like that! What you described IS EXTREMELY "curious" though and, since she HAS been such a good friend for so long, it might be worth trying to find out what happened when/as you feel comfortable doing so.

A book I've found helpful is The Highly Sensitive Person (Paperback) Some publication details as found on Amazon.com--

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com
Are you an HSP? Are you easily overwhelmed by stimuli? Affected by other people's moods? Easily startled? Do you need to withdraw during busy times to a private, quiet place? Do you get nervous or shaky if someone is observing you or competing with you? HSP, shorthand for "highly sensitive person," describes 15 to 20 percent of the population. Being sensitive is a normal trait--nothing defective about it. But you may not realize that, because society rewards the outgoing personality and treats shyness and sensitivity as something to be overcome. According to author Elaine Aron (herself an HSP), sensitive people have the unusual ability to sense subtleties, spot or avoid errors, concentrate deeply, and delve deeply. This book helps HSPs to understand themselves and their sensitive trait and its impact on personal history, career, relationships, and inner life. The book offers advice for typical problems. For example, you learn strategies for coping with overarousal, overcoming social discomfort, being in love relationships, managing job challenges, and much more. The author covers a lot of material clearly, in an approachable style, using case studies, self-tests, and exercises to bring the information home. The book is essential for you if you are an HSP--you'll learn a lot about yourself. It's also useful for people in a relationship with an HSP. --Joan Price

Book Description
Are you a highly sensitive person?

Do you have a keen imagination and vivid dreams? Is time alone each day as essential to you as food and water? Are you "too shy" or "too sensitive" according to others? Do noise and confusion quickly overwhelm you? If your answers are yes, you may be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

Most of us feel overstimulated every once in a while, but for the Highly Sensitive Person, it's a way of life. In this groundbreaking book, Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist, workshop leader and highly sensitive person herself, shows you how to identify this trait in yourself and make the most of it in everyday situations. Drawing on her many years of research and hundreds of interviews, she shows how you can better understand yourself and your trait to create a fuller, richer life.

In The Highly Sensitive Person , you will discover:
* Self-assessment tests to help you identify your particular sensitivities
* Ways to reframe your past experiences in a positive light and gain greater self-esteem in the process
* Insight into how high sensitivity affects both work and personal relationships
* Tips on how to deal with overarousal
* Informations on medications and when to seek help
* Techniques to enrich the soul and spirit

Product Details

Paperback: 272 pages
Publisher: Broadway; Reprint edition (June 2, 1997)
Language: English
ISBN: 0553062182

For myself---not only did much of this description seemed to "fit" and validate my experience---but it gave me some reassurance that if I AM "highly sensitive," this does not indicate that something is "wrong" with me, but is simply a fact about my personality. In addition to that, however, I think it IS important to be aware of where and how our previous experience has made the trait more pronounced. Certainly, a kind of "hyper-vigilance" IS a result of previous abuse and yes... I think it's "normal" under those circumstances to sort of conclude that the NEGATIVE experience is the "real" one, rather than struggling with the kind of "cognitive dissonance" which dealing with such complexities in ourselves and in others brings about.

PEACE to you and yours this day. I'll be thinking some more about this one. (And..."hyper-sensitive" person that I am, I hope and trust that you won't mind this rather overly long "first" response to you on this forum!)

Just another "lurker"----but one who cares:

Theodora

--

[Kerrin]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU PINKIE PIE!!!!!!

I think you just may have hit the nail on the proverbial head for me........and I wasn't going to even venture "here" today.......I haven't read ALL the responses yet, but I DO relate, and think maybe that's why my Thread on the 'other side' , has upset me SO much.THEODORA; thank you for the book reference , I am going to try and locate it.

I prayed so hard last night , and asked God to pleeeeaasee, HELP me especially if it was "ME" , and He has answered a prayer .......
I have some homework to do........
Thanks again, Iwill now read what the other posts have to say; just wanted to thank you for putting into words what (why) I was so hurt.
( I hate being so re-active!!!; maybe one day I'll break out of this shell!)
Love
Kerrin

[truth]

For myself---not only did much of this description seemed to "fit" and validate my experience---but it gave me some reassurance that if I AM "highly sensitive," this does not indicate that something is "wrong" with me, but is simply a fact about my personality. In addition to that, however, I think it IS important to be aware of where and how our previous experience has made the trait more pronounced. Certainly, a kind of "hyper-vigilance" IS a result of previous abuse and yes... I think it's "normal" under those circumstances to sort of conclude that the NEGATIVE experience is the "real" one, rather than struggling with the kind of "cognitive dissonance" which dealing with such complexities in ourselves and in others brings about.


Strongly agree with this, saw that book awhile back at Barnes and Noble and read a little bit, thought it looked very good! I need to read it now, too....

Pinkie Pie - I have been there so often, too and I know those kind of reactions you describe....also, maybe something from the past got triggered up by the situation. Some type of similar feeling of rejection that the incident made you recall at that moment. That is what I usually see when I have those reactions...You're not alone in it -- we've all been there.....and unfortunately, continue to encounter it along the road of recovery.

truth

[Pinkie Pie]

Strongly agree with this, saw that book awhile back at Barnes and Noble and read a little bit, thought it looked very good! I need to read it now, too....

Pinkie Pie - I have been there so often, too and I know those kind of reactions you describe....also, maybe something from the past got triggered up by the situation. Some type of similar feeling of rejection that the incident made you recall at that moment. That is what I usually see when I have those reactions...You're not alone in it -- we've all been there.....and unfortunately, continue to encounter it along the road of recovery.

truth

I think you have brought up a good point, Truth. I realized after this incident, when I got home and was crying my eyes out, that I was simultaneously reliving a former "friendship" I had with a leader at the spiritually abusive church I came out of. This "friend" would unpredictably "trip out" on me for no reason. She would be calling me her best friend and inviting me over and spending time with me.

But then at any time, I never knew WHEN it would happen, she would invite me over but when I got there, she would stay in her room, and refuse to come out to see me or even speak to me (even though SHE had invited me over!) So I would end up visiting with her kids and then go home, confused. Or she would tell me I don't call her enough, so I would call her and she wouldn't say anything on the phone, she'd just hold the phone and then finally tell me I was getting on her nerves. I always swallowed my feelings and kept "walking in love" with her (really, I was just enabling her to treat me like dirt).

Just writing about it is making my chest hurt so I am going to stop for now. This current incident must have triggered me big time with something I thought I was over!

[Pinkie Pie]

Do you have a keen imagination and vivid dreams? Is time alone each day as essential to you as food and water? Are you "too shy" or "too sensitive" according to others? Do noise and confusion quickly overwhelm you? If your answers are yes, you may be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

Most of us feel overstimulated every once in a while, but for the Highly Sensitive Person, it's a way of life.
For myself---not only did much of this description seemed to "fit" and validate my experience---but it gave me some reassurance that if I AM "highly sensitive," this does not indicate that something is "wrong" with me, but is simply a fact about my personality. In addition to that, however, I think it IS important to be aware of where and how our previous experience has made the trait more pronounced. Certainly, a kind of "hyper-vigilance" IS a result of previous abuse and yes... I think it's "normal" under those circumstances to sort of conclude that the NEGATIVE experience is the "real" one, rather than struggling with the kind of "cognitive dissonance" which dealing with such complexities in ourselves and in others brings about.


Theodora

--

This describes me to a "T". And coming from spiritual abuse I can see from your post how that would aggravate the situation. I like the way you worded about the tendency to conclude the "NEGATIVE experience is the 'real' one" instead of dealing with the "cognitive dissonance" is sorting out complex personalities. Sometimes being able to verbalize what is going on (as Kerrin says) inside, or hearing someone else verbalize it when I can't, helps me to get a handle on my emotions.

[Pinkie Pie]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU PINKIE PIE!!!!!!

I think you just may have hit the nail on the proverbial head for me........and I wasn't going to even venture "here" today.......I haven't read ALL the responses yet, but I DO relate, and think maybe that's why my Thread on the 'other side' , has upset me SO much.THEODORA; thank you for the book reference , I am going to try and locate it.

I prayed so hard last night , and asked God to pleeeeaasee, HELP me especially if it was "ME" , and He has answered a prayer .......
I have some homework to do........
Thanks again, Iwill now read what the other posts have to say; just wanted to thank you for putting into words what (why) I was so hurt.
( I hate being so re-active!!!; maybe one day I'll break out of this shell!)
Love
Kerrin
Hi Kerrin! I am so glad that my post helped you! YOUR post helped ME too, it's comforting to know there are people who can TRULY empathize with how we're feeling, isn't it???? :) :o :) :o (That's why I am SOOOO THANKFUL FOR THIS FORUM!!!! SO MANY TIMES YOU ALL HAVE TRULY KEPT ME GROUNDED WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO LOSE IT!!! OR WHEN I HAD NO ONE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE TO TALK TO....)

[Carmen]

But then at any time, I never knew WHEN it would happen, she would invite me over but when I got there, she would stay in her room, and refuse to come out to see me or even speak to me (even though SHE had invited me over!) So I would end up visiting with her kids and then go home, confused. Or she would tell me I don't call her enough, so I would call her and she wouldn't say anything on the phone, she'd just hold the phone and then finally tell me I was getting on her nerves. I always swallowed my feelings and kept "walking in love" with her (really, I was just enabling her to treat me like dirt).

I don't have any "friends" like that. If I "smell" someone like that I make a big circle around them. I won't mess with such people. With such friends who needs enemies? It is not as if they needed help - it is a character flaw, one that is too big for me to deal with.

[truth]

I don't have any "friends" like that. If I "smell" someone like that I make a big circle around them. I won't mess with such people. With such friends who needs enemies? It is not as if they needed help - it is a character flaw, one that is too big for me to deal with.


This discussion about these kind of people is really making me think. I, too had a number of people around me (in the old days) that fit that description....thank goodness I don't anymore! But I used to get attracted to people like that as friends, I think, because my family was like that and very emotionally unhealthy....

The problem was, when people acted like that in my family, they were never called on their actions and no one thought it was strange behavior --- because it wasn't in our family, it was the norm! When someone acted like that, instead of other people calling it out and calling it what it was (I've heard the term used - "Crazymakers") usually the person who was the "recipient" of the crazy behavior - which was usually my mother and I --- was always subtly blamed for having done something to create their reactions!!! because no one was taking any responsibility! You just operated on an almost daily basis with a "cloud" of guilt and condemnation over your head --- and you didn't even think it was weird!

Now, as an adult, I hope I am moving more and more away from that and able to distinguish that behavior for what it truly is --- sick and crazy! Recently I read an interestiing book and I have learned another name for this behavior "Borderline Personaliity Disorder" and it causes not only the person with it but the people trying to live around it, enormous pain and suffering! I would imagine that alot of the people we have been abused by, if they were diagnosed by professionals, might fit this label.

Thanks Pinkie Pie for this post, it sure is making me start to think about some things....I realize how I still so often, just take on the blame and guilt for others and their reactions when it has nothing to do with me or anything that I have done....another habit to be "unlearned - deprogrammed" in recovery!

truth

[Jerry]

Dear Pinkie,,,
Of course it's just you,,,,,,,,It's always just us ;) When a "Pendulum" is released it always swings past center on the other side ;) For years you were taught that it is wrong to want anything for yourself,that it is sin.I suspect it will take a while for your "feelings" to catch up with the knowledge that that isn't true ;)
Love Jerry

[Meg Evenstar]

Dear Pinkie,,,
Of course it's just you,,,,,,,,It's always just us ;) When a "Pendulum" is released it always swings past center on the other side ;) For years you were taught that it is wrong to want anything for yourself,that it is sin.I suspect it will take a while for your "feelings" to catch up with the knowledge that that isn't true ;)
Love Jerry

Yes, Jerry, our last church did taech that. Somehow I had forgotten about that. Perhaps that is why I feel so guilty anytime I want something for myself and I think of tithing. When we tithed there was no money for things of "us" and I felt guilty for wanting anything.

Meg

[Pinkie Pie]

Dear Pinkie,,,
Of course it's just you,,,,,,,,It's always just us ;) When a "Pendulum" is released it always swings past center on the other side ;) For years you were taught that it is wrong to want anything for yourself,that it is sin.I suspect it will take a while for your "feelings" to catch up with the knowledge that that isn't true ;)
Love Jerry

You know, that's right! I think I see that regardless of what her intentions were, even if she was unaware that she had hurt me or even if she purposely didn't speak to me, I have a right to feel about it the way that I feel. That has been a big part of my struggle, knowing that my feelings are okay, I don't have to "justify" them, they are what they are.

[gwen]

A book I've found helpful is The Highly Sensitive Person (Paperback) Some publication details as found on Amazon.com--

For myself---not only did much of this description seemed to "fit" and validate my experience---but it gave me some reassurance that if I AM "highly sensitive," this does not indicate that something is "wrong" with me, but is simply a fact about my personality. In addition to that, however, I think it IS important to be aware of where and how our previous experience has made the trait more pronounced. Certainly, a kind of "hyper-vigilance" IS a result of previous abuse and yes... I think it's "normal" under those circumstances to sort of conclude that the NEGATIVE experience is the "real" one, rather than struggling with the kind of "cognitive dissonance" which dealing with such complexities in ourselves and in others brings about.

Just another "lurker"----but one who cares:

Theodora

--

Theodora,

Thanks so much for telling us about this book! I don't know if you've read the other thread that Pinkie Pie started: "HSP - Thanks Theodora", but it led me to read through this thread and see what you had to say about the "Highly Sensitive Person". I did a Google search and took the self-test...I was amazed! I scored very highly on the test! Since reading about HSP here, I've been reading about it on the author's website...it has been like a light going off in my head!!! I am NOT abnormal!!! I don't have to feel guilty for being so sensitive (which others have made me feel for my entire life...including my parents)! I don't have to be ashamed of my high sensitivity! It's who I am! And there is a whole population of people out there who are highly sensitive like I am!

Anyway, I'm definitely going to read the book!

Gwen

[Willow]

Hey... this is a great resource! I took the self test too and scored as highly sensitive.