An introduction and I've been there too

[Meg Evenstar]

It's been two years since I escaped from my cult like church and I am still hurting and sad. I wonder if I will ever recover or trust again. In fact I don't want to ever trust again. I will never be the same. The only good thing I can say is that my faith in Jesus has never wavered and is, in fact, stronger. It's just that I don't want to go to church ever again. I will try to explain what happened.

It started about eight years ago when my children, three boys and one girl, were much younger. I had grown up in an abusive home and I wanted it to be so different for my children. I had become a Christian at the age of thirteen and had always promised myself and God that my life would be different when I was grown and able to be in control of things, so my husband and I decided at the birth or our daughter that she and all children to follow would be dedicated to God and raised in church. We wanted them to love and serve God. I would home school them and teach them about God from day one and so I did.

The problem first surfaced in church (Southern Baptist) when my oldest son was five years old. The older boys picked on him, made fun of him, and bullied him, even physically abusing him. I wanted my husband to speak up, but he wouldn't because he said John needed to learn to stand up to them and adjust to the other children, but they were two and three years older than John. I said something to others and to the moms involved and was told that the teachers would handle it. They never did. We left this church but John was never the same and to this day I have problems with him.

If the last church was bad this church was to be a nightmare. I was exhausted and tired from all the church works of the last church so my husband and I agreed that I would rest here and he would do all of the church works. I was to concentrate on our home and the home schooling. That would not be accepted by the pastor and several key people in the church.

I should have known this was a trap when we first attended, in that we were all separated into different groups. There were no couples' classes. The men had their class, the women theirs and the children theirs. I felt that tug in the spirit that this was wrong, but I shrugged it off, because I so much wanted this to work.

When we finally did join I was presented with a paper to fill out concerning which jobs I would be doing. There were two minors and one major that I was to commit to for one year. There was to be 100 % involvement and no exceptions. We had not been told this prior to joining, though I guess I should have sensed it given that church performance was about all he preached about. I balked at this and did not fill it out, but did agree to do what I could. I told them that my home schooling had to come first (mistake # 1). I did try to be involved, but I could sense it was not enough. I also began to sense that my friend, let's call her Jill, who had invited us here was breaking. Something was wrong with her health and she was getting worse. I would soon find out why. It was Jill and Sam's (her husband) job to bring new people into the church which they did a very good job of. Jill had a physical breakdown followed by a near nervous breakdown. She suddenly left the church and it was like day and night how they turned on them. I was shocked! They were treated as if they had forsaken the Lord. Word spread to other churches and they were not welcome in these churches either. They were officially black balled and had to leave the community to find a church. I can't remember all that was said, but I was told I had to make a choice between Jill and our church. That night I became physically ill. My blood pressure soared. I had never had a blood pressure problem before. I chose to secretly stay in contact with Jill.

Jill had been the leader of the women's ministry. She was replaced by Sherrie. Sherrie had been Jill's understudy and was everything that Jill had not been. Jill was kind and loving. Sherrie was cold and controlling and answered to the pastor alone. She would be his eyes and ears. I would be the target of the pastor via Sherrie to brought under control. At the same time the pastor was changing my husband in the Sunday School class he taught. It was a secret class in that the men were not to tell their wives what went on in this class and I was not allowed to see my husband's class workbook. Jill later told me to read this workbook because it was one of the last straws that led to their departure. When I read the workbook I was shocked by what I read and how much of a hold this pastor had on my husband. The class was about gaining control of your families, mainly the wife. My husband had written how he was disappointed in me because I was resisting his authority and not pleasing him. He had never once approached me on this. I confided in Jill, but did not tell my husband that I had read his workbook. I was beginning to fear this church now.

My health problems increased. My blood pressure could not be controlled with medication. My heart had become enlarged and was skipping beats. I had begun to gain weight and my hair was falling out by the handfuls. The relationship between my husband and me was deteriorating. Sherrie was reporting back to the pastor all of my doings and not doings. I was told that I used my health and home schooling as an excuse to not serve God, that I was putting these things before God. I was told to trust God with my health and serve God anyway whether I felt like it or not.

My children were also suffering too. Sherrie was talking about me right in front of my children and my children were abused or ignored by the rest of the ladies because of me. They were being forced to be and do things that they did not want to be or do. My daughter was the first to resist and to be publicly scorned. When she refused to stand for thirty minutes and ''act holy'' she was told to leave the youth group. She did and never looked back.

To make a long story short I almost left my husband over this and perhaps that was what woke him up. I was the first to leave the church. My kids followed and the church began to turn on my husband. He left too.

We are out of this ''cult'' now but I don't know if we will ever be truly out because everything has changed. None of us except my husband want anything to do with church now. We have tried dozens since we left CP church and they are either icky sweet fluff or strict similar to the last one. I want honest to goodness meat, not spiritual fluff and good works. It seems like they all expect performance and your life to center around the church. I can't do that anymore. They want 10 % off the top even if you can't pay your bills. They want you to be there every time the door is open. I just can't do any of that. I have also been black balled in the home schooling community because I no longer live by the fundamentalist code.

It's been two and one-half years now and my husband and I are in our fifties and are trying to recover financially from the strict tithing that wrecked our finances and has put our future in jeopardy. We are far from having our house paid off and basically have nothing as far as savings, furniture, and many of the things people should have by our age. Everything extra went to the church. My health is recovering but I still have eighty pounds to lose in order to return to normal. I am no longer on any medication, but my hair is still thin. I don't know if it will ever be thick and beautiful again, but I am working on it along with the weight. My hair was truly my crowning glory. It was waist long and glossy black. I loved to wear flowers, hair sticks and even colored hair scrunchies around my bun. This is considered sinful by many of my Christian friends. They think I have gone pagan. Anything that differs from how they believe is considered sinful and pagan.

I look forward to seeing Jesus and I can honestly say I have kept the faith. I have raised my children to love Him and always lean on Him when times are bad. I never entrusted that responsibility to the church alone. It was my promise and mine to keep and so I did.

Meg

[SpinningHead]

Greetings Meg!

Oh have you found a home here! This is the place for you...we all have our stories but we've also found many helpful resources here.

Greetings. Feel free to share, to contribute and lick your wounds as long as you need to. We all are. Jump right in and don't be shy.

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!

[Joseph]

Hi Meg,

I don't know what to say. The devastation that these animals do in the name of God is catastrophic. I don't blame you at all for feeling that way, my heart goes out to you and I hope we can help ease some of your pain. I am pretty new here too, and I can't begin to tell you what a blessing all of these people on this forum have been to me.

Talk soon,
Joe

[Willow]

Hi Meg, welcome here. Thanks so much for sharing your heart. Gentle care and peace to you. I'm so incredibly thankful you and your family are OUT of the cult!

[butterfly]

:) Welcome Meg, You won"t be alone here we all have gone thru our own S.A. I am sorry you and your family had to go thru yours.
Glad to hear you and hubby are still toghter.:) butterfly [shirley]

[Meg Evenstar]

Thanks for all the warm welcomes. I really need that as I am very lonely. I gave up nearly all of my friends. I still have a few, but we did move fifteen miles away from the community and I have had a very difficult time here. I thought we could start over, but it's looking like we can't. You see, in Alabama you have to be under a church covering to home school legally and almost all of the home school coverings are legalistic Christian. I can not be received by 98 % of them because I am not actively involved in church. I could lie about it, many do and I was told to do so, but I can't and won't do that. I also can't sign the statement of faith that most require because I will no longer put myself under a religious yoke. One group said I had to join their church, which I was willing to do, but then they had to observe our family for six months to see if we had Godly character. At that we got sick at heart and left the church. It was a Rick Warren ''Purpose Driven'' Church which I didn't agree with when I read the book. You see the churches here are either too loose with touchy, feely, gooie, sweet rock n roll or strict legalistic. I can't find a church like I knew pre 1990s. What happened?

My oldest son is rebelling so for that reason we are viewed as unfit by most of the home school groups. Basically, he wants nothing to do with church and lets them know what he thinks of their youth groups and activities. The covering we were with last year tried to block my daughter from being excepted into the University of Alabama. They refused to send in her transcript! I asked the admissions office if I could bring in a copy and they agreed or she would not have been allowed to attend. I know we were being punished because we are considered liberal now, which is so far from the truth that it isn't funny. You see my daughter has dark hair, likes to wear fashions from different periods, and likes bright colors. They call her Gothic. We didn't know what that was a first, but now I feel insulted since I have learned what it means. I have stopped wearing my hair fashions as I don't like being called Gothic, but my daughter refuses to give up the things she loves because she knows it is what is in her heart that counts and not her style of clothing. Odd thing is, she has never dated or had a boyfriend and only wears dresses, most of which are tea length to floor length. We can't win for losing.

The current home school covering doesn't want us either because they have heard the rumors and about how we are different. I have tried so hard not to be different, but they changed the rules and no one told me. I use to keep up with things better when I listened to Christian Radio and bought the latest books from Life Way. I haven't done that in three years so I don't know what the latest Taboo is. I followed Marlon Maddox for years and bought every book doing everything that was said and never questioned anything -- until now.

Some of the groups condemn you for reading Tolkien, Lewis, Hans Christian Anderson, Grimes Fairy Tales and all of the Mythologies and don't even mention Harry Potter, because they all agree that those are evil and so did I for a very long time, but now I just don't think so anymore since I have read them. So you see we had to hide so much of what we did in our home schooling and after a point the kids just didn't want to any more and that is where my new troubles began, so you see, I'm still in the fire.

I feel I won't be totally free until the youngest is in college and that is five years away. I know I am rambling on and probably not making very much sense. I apologize for that. Do I have some mark on my head that says ''She's not one of us, so shun her''? If I am doing things wrong, could they not gently love and instruct me? How about praying for me and being my friend? If the things I let my children read and study are wrong, won't God tell me? He has always been my guiding light and never failed me. I'm still confused. Why is it that we are not accepted since the last church experience? May I already know the answer. We are no longer the same. We think and question now instead of just accept what we are told. I guess we no longer know our place.

Meg

[gwen]

Hi Meg!

You've come to the right place! We all understand what you've gone through and what you're going through. I'm a fellow homeschooler! My oldest two sons are in college, but I still have a 9-year-old son whom I'm homeschooling. I homeschooled my first two until our former "pastor" got me to teach and be the administrator at his church-school...which btw was an unpaid position...I taught full time as though I was being paid big bucks. I had to take the brunt of upset parents when the "pastor" would make a decision and I had to tell them that the school staff (which included me, his wife, and a woman elder) had made the decisions. When he was working on me to get me to teach at his school, he told me that I was being selfish for only teaching my own children, that I was influencing my sons to be feminine, and other negative things. He knew that even though I started to teach at the school, my heart was still in homeschooling. One day he was talking badly about homeschooling and I can't remember if I started defending homeschooling or if I just had a look of unbelief about his comments, but he looked at me and very harshly said, "YOU ARE WRONG!!!" Now looking back, hindsight being 20/20, I realize that he said all those things because his agenda was to get me to teach at the school for free. (I have a bachelor's degree in education, so I gave him what he needed for credibility with parents and the state.)

We left the cult "church" August 2004 after being there for 10 years. My husband and oldest son were deacons. Our family were the musicians on the praise and worship team, my husband plays drums, I play piano/keyboard, our oldest son plays bass and our middle son plays guitar. We were there every time the doors were open and we were involved in all of the youth activities. The "pastor" focused on the youth and there were lots of activities for them. We, like you, had given so much financially to the "church" that we don't have any savings.

Since we left, I have suffered with PTSD and life has been a struggle. I found the forum a little over a month ago myself and I am so thankful for everyone here...

Gwen

[Meg Evenstar]

Thanks, Gwen and everyone for understanding. I have been reading old post and it is really helping me.

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Meg

[Leslie]

Meg,

I am truly sorry to learn of the horrible malreatment. It is just so wrong that they caused such harm! They had NO RIGHT to wreck such havoc. It is good to hear that your husband finally left. Are you still homeschooling your children or are they grown? (Was wondering if the blackballing in that circle is still "active".)

Your story proves how ridiculous the "serve God (our way) at the expense of everything else" ethic is so wrong.

I've taken Nature's Bounty Skin, Hair & Nails vitamins (Target, I think) and it seems to do some good. (small consolation, but I thought I'd offer that . . .?)

God bless you, and thanks for posting and letting us know you're out there.

Leslie

[Meg Evenstar]

Meg,

I am truly sorry to learn of the horrible malreatment. It is just so wrong that they caused such harm! They had NO RIGHT to wreck such havoc. It is good to hear that your husband finally left. Are you still homeschooling your children or are they grown? (Was wondering if the blackballing in that circle is still "active".)

Your story proves how ridiculous the "serve God (our way) at the expense of everything else" ethic is so wrong.

I've taken Nature's Bounty Skin, Hair & Nails vitamins (Target, I think) and it seems to do some good. (small consolation, but I thought I'd offer that . . .?)

God bless you, and thanks for posting and letting us know you're out there.

Leslie

Thanks, Leslie. Yes, I am still home schooling. I have an 8th grader, 10th grader and an eleventh grader and one in college. I'm still struggleing because I have changed and no longer fit in the group. I no longer believe the way my former friends believe. We are what we are in the open. The others hide what they do. They all listen to secular music, watch Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and even Harry Potter, but they hide it. My kids refuse to do that and therefore we are shunned and viewed as bad Christians, if we are Christians at all. It hurts because we are alone.

Meg

[Leslie]

Meg, it would hurt. Did you say your kids left church on their own accord?

Are their opportunities in the nonfundamentalist circles for connection? Just brainstorming here . . . Is there a local SA or other abuse support group? What about other homeschooling coalitions and cooperatives? ( In my area some people homeschool for nonreligious reasons.) :confused: I don't mean for my suggestions to sound trite.

Best wishes,
Leslie

[ex-shep]

Welcome aboard. I wil have to read your post in greater detail. I can certainly understand the situation and can surely relate. All of us have been there, seen it, done that and got the T-shirt. I appreciate your sharing. There is always somebody on line with a shoulder to cry or an empathetic ear. Virtual coffepot is always brewing.

[Janice]

Meg,
Welcome to the forum. may you find strength, peace, and comfort here.

This is a great group!

It's so nice to have a forum like this to come to but really stinks at what brought us all her in the first place!

So sorry for your experience but, we all understand!

[Carmen]

Hi Meg,

Yay! You're out of there! It seems that you have already done a lot of sorting out and have analyzed the situation from a distance already. That sounds healthy. I've done that too, but still have some sorting out to do.

This may sound rash, but why don't you think of getting a group together for your family and some others, like the woman you mentioned, Jill. If everybody else is too loose or too staid, just get a group together and "do" church like you think it should be done. You don't need a separate building, just your living room or den and a few extra chairs and a good portion of hospitality. I think that Christianity has more to do with fellowship, person-to-God and person-to-person relationships than anything else. We are here to support and encourage, learn from and teach each other. My parents left their old church and I was able to visit their new one - they do meet in a building on Sundays but it is not theirs, they do not even have to pay rent. Wednesday's they meet in each other's homes. I felt touched by the atmosphere when I was with them, they were loving, supportive, genuine and sincere. They actually wanted to find out the truth in Scripture and were not willing to settle for a doctrine just because it was comfortable.

I am asking the few other Christians I know right now whether they want to get such a group together in our town. We do not even have one protestant church here, much less the smorgasbord that is often available in the US. They are hesitant about the idea, because they want me in their church. It is in the next town, is Pentecostal, and I have found too much false doctrine there. My spirit writhes when I go there, it is like when someone rakes fingernails across the blackboard. Especially since I did a study on the kind of tongue speaking that they do- what I found would be too long here- I really don't want to go back. I have just gotten too sensitive to what is going on there. My friend "Marco" also tells me that a church must be visible according to Scripture. I am still working on that concept. An internet site would be visible and a telephone number in the phone book, too. Visible does not need to apply to a building in my opinion.

It would be easier to convince those like yourself that have left other churches to be part of such a group. Maybe your friend Jill knows some.

It was just a thought that hit me.

Welcome! :)

Carmen

[Jerry]

Dear Meg,,,,
Welcome to the board.You state that you will never be the same,,,,,,Thank God ;) What we do here is attempt to "Abuse Proof" each other.That Church you wrote about sounds more like the "Soviet Union" Whats on their steeple ????,,,,,,,,,,,,,,a "Sickel & Hammer" ?????? Well your free now ,,,,no more "Iron Curtin" :D
Love Jerry

[Meg Evenstar]

Meg, it would hurt. Did you say your kids left church on their own accord?

Are their opportunities in the nonfundamentalist circles for connection? Just brainstorming here . . . Is there a local SA or other abuse support group? What about other homeschooling coalitions and cooperatives? ( In my area some people homeschool for nonreligious reasons.) :confused: I don't mean for my suggestions to sound trite.

Best wishes,
Leslie

No Leslie, home schooling is only legal in Alabama through church based schools and almost all of them are fundamentalist Christian, most of which are in this area of North Alabama. My husband did remind me that the Methodist Church here has a covering and to contact them. I will be doing that before summer when I have to re-enroll. The only thing is all they offer is a covering and no support, record keeping or anything else. However, after this last experience, maybe I don't need anything. I can produce my own transcripts.

In essence home schooling is controlled by churches here, most of which are strict fundamentalist. They actually control who is allowed to home school in this state. They are very exclusive. You have to sign a statement of faith and there is a questionnaire to be filled out by your pastor in almost all of them. They want to be sure you attend church at every service, are active in the programs, and work in at least one ministry, also the pastor gets to write a recommendation on your character. So you see it is a very controlled atmosphere. I was told by one group not to worry about it, it's just a formality and since we are between churches that I could have a former church leader write a letter of recommendation stating that we are upstanding Christians and that we intend to soon be all of the things that are required for membership in this certain group. Well, we could not do that because we plan to never be actively involved again, so I had to go to another group and I had to hurry as August 5th was the deadline to be enrolled and I was not going to stay with the group who had mistreated my daughter. The group I did go with is 30 miles away, and she only reluctantly accepted us. She is friends with the group I left so it's a small world. It's a long story, but basically she accepted me because I had no place to go, (I had already told my present group that I was not returning) and I would have been in violation of the law. I guess you could say I begged because I asked to join three times before she said yes. This group also requires the same sort of thing, but you don't have to put it in writing. I have to find someplace else for next year though, because I'm not sure they will let me re-enroll and besides, I don't want to be somewhere that does not want me, so the Methodist Church looks better everyday. As far as I know there are only four coverings in the entire state that will take ''non-Christians'' and three of them are right here, but two are extremely expensive, one is controlling, one is expensive for high school transcript and testing services and the other is the Methodist which only offers the covering and nothing more. Given the options, I'll take the Methodist.

The reason I didn't go with the Methodist this year is because I wanted some sort of support and I wanted the school covering to generate the transcripts, but that is quickly becoming a non-issue. I found the software my former group uses and I can simply purchase it for myself, create my own transcripts and have the home school director sign it and it is done. Fortunately with my daughter I did have a copy of her transcript generated by our covering, so I could take it to the university, but my covering simply would not send an official copy. For three months I kept asking and they kept saying they would get to it, but I would check with the university and it never came. Finally the university called me the day before enrollment for fall semester ended saying they had not received the transcript and that's when they agreed to accept the one that I had, so my daughter got in just under the wire. I still can't believe they did that to her. I knew they didn't approve of our family because we were shunned, but I never thought it would go that far.

Thanks so much for listening. It means a lot to me.

Meg

[Meg Evenstar]

Hi Meg,

Yay! You're out of there! It seems that you have already done a lot of sorting out and have analyzed the situation from a distance already. That sounds healthy. I've done that too, but still have some sorting out to do.

This may sound rash, but why don't you think of getting a group together for your family and some others, like the woman you mentioned, Jill. If everybody else is too loose or too staid, just get a group together and "do" church like you think it should be done. You don't need a separate building, just your living room or den and a few extra chairs and a good portion of hospitality. I think that Christianity has more to do with fellowship, person-to-God and person-to-person relationships than anything else. We are here to support and encourage, learn from and teach each other. My parents left their old church and I was able to visit their new one - they do meet in a building on Sundays but it is not theirs, they do not even have to pay rent. Wednesday's they meet in each other's homes. I felt touched by the atmosphere when I was with them, they were loving, supportive, genuine and sincere. They actually wanted to find out the truth in Scripture and were not willing to settle for a doctrine just because it was comfortable.

I am asking the few other Christians I know right now whether they want to get such a group together in our town. We do not even have one protestant church here, much less the smorgasbord that is often available in the US. They are hesitant about the idea, because they want me in their church. It is in the next town, is Pentecostal, and I have found too much false doctrine there. My spirit writhes when I go there, it is like when someone rakes fingernails across the blackboard. Especially since I did a study on the kind of tongue speaking that they do- what I found would be too long here- I really don't want to go back. I have just gotten too sensitive to what is going on there. My friend "Marco" also tells me that a church must be visible according to Scripture. I am still working on that concept. An internet site would be visible and a telephone number in the phone book, too. Visible does not need to apply to a building in my opinion.

It would be easier to convince those like yourself that have left other churches to be part of such a group. Maybe your friend Jill knows some.

It was just a thought that hit me.

Welcome! :)

Carmen


Thanks Carmen for the support. Jill is still there and we do still talk, but not as much as we use to because R and I moved away. Our old community was a farming community in the country and we have moved into the city now (15 miles away). I miss the farm lands terribly. We had ten acres which our boys loved. None of us like the city very much but R thought it necessary to get away. Jill and her husband are active in another country church along with one other couple that survived CP church. A few Sundays ago we did go to visit their church and some old friends. R and the pastor there are old friends as well and he knows very well what happened to us and others. It was so good to be there, but as a family we agreed the KK was too far to drive every Sunday (it's a 30 minute drive) and we could only attend Sunday morning because of the distance and the gas prices.

Basically we moved into the town of our county. Since we had live out in the farm lands for nineteen years, we know no one in the city. The old home school group I had been with all those years closed due to the director's failing health also brought on by an abusive church here in town so that's why I had to find a new home school group. Her illness took a sudden turn for the worse even though she had been out of her SA church for two years so we were all herded into one of two groups, and that's how I went from one fire to another fire. I have not seen the old home school director for two years so I hope she is better now. She is the one who recommended the book Spiritual Abuse to me while I was still in the middle of the old church. It was a life saver in that I could see this was happening to others and I was not alone.

So to answer your question, I have not been able to meet other people with whom to share things with. This is a high tech town and most of the women work. I myself am a software engineer who left a career to have children and raise them. People are highly mobile and have little time for friendships. My circle of friends either scattered in all directions or rejected me when I gave up our fundamentalist ways. You see I actually did believe that much of the strictness was Godliness. I had been taught that. I listened to Christian radio daily and did everything I was told to do without any thought or question to it. I read Phil Phillips books and if he said this toy was sinful, we didn't have that toy. I do remember it being heart breaking to my daughter to give up her ''My Little Ponies'' so I could not do that to her and we simply hid them when others came over. Also I could not bring myself to throw out the Star Wars movies or the action figures so they were hid too and not talked about to my friends, but everything else went. I threw out my trolls collection from the 1960s. I still can't believe I did that!! and no new toy or movie or cartoon was allowed in my house. I even got rid of books that were deemed sinful.

My kids are mostly grown now and we have talked about the strictness of their young years. They have told me how it hurt them that there were so many toys that they could not play with or cartoons that they could not watch. We've looked at all of this now and I wonder what the harm really was. I have even re-read Phil Phillips' books and shook my head. Why could I not see this? The man was not even married, had no kids and was a strict fundamental Baptist from Bob Jones University. What was I thinking -- no, that's just it I wasn't thinking. I was reacting. I was programmed.

Anyway, back to subject, I am in a situation where the only contact I have is with fundamentalist because of the home schooling. I am here much of the day and can not get out and mingle with ordinary folks. We are visiting non-fundamentalist churches now, but I don't find them very much different. In fact they are just as bad, but in another way. They may let you dress differently, but they are not completely free and believe in performance = good Christian, non performance = bad Christian. I do get along fairly well with the people at the Salvation Army though and from time to time go down and fellowship with them.

I am not dead yet inside, so I will keep trying and praying. I also have my sister who I am very close with. She lives in Ohio and has survived an Independent Baptist Church that nearly killed her as well. Her daughter was severely abused in both church and the church school. that child is struggling for survival. They believed there that you must break the will of a child in order to reshape that will into in image of God. My sister actually has a law suit if she would just pursue it. Her daughter ended up in Akron Children's Hospital intensive care from a severe kidney infection when she was five because she was repeatedly not allowed to go to the bathroom even though they had one in the class room. This was called discipline. There are other nightmare tales that I won't relate, but let's just say that my BIL is a dyed in the wool Fundamental Baptist and would not take his daughter out of this school until sixth grade when the child had a breakdown. He still believes the church teachings and they are still forced to attend. After all, he was raised that way. This is hard preaching.

Well, I thought I was not so bothered about this anymore, but I can see that I am because I keep posting these longs posts. I don't expect any of you to have answers. I just need someone to listen and to tell me I have not lost my mind or that I am not a heretic. I have not fallen away. I still love the Lord -- even more than ever. He is all I have left to cling too. I can't live up to their standard and you know what, they don't either. I watch what they do and I know what their children do.

Well, it's getting time to start my day, so I will go for now.

Meg

[SpinningHead]

Hi Meg,

I had to go to those legalistic private schools growing up (long skirts, long hair, minimal makeup - I still thank God for zit cover-up!- high collars, no rock-n-roll - not even "contemporary Christian" - it's all evil).

I got out in the real world and it was like :eek: . I had a hard time adjusting. The real world is not legalistic nor does the church/schools prepare you for how to deal in it. This may be a blessing in disguise even though it doesn't feel like it.

Any chance you could research home-schooling through the internet and being allowed to join a "covering" through the web? Does Alabama law state specifically that the church HAS to be Alabamian?

I also notice in your posts you write a lot about their rules & laws & their acceptance...but not a lot about what God says. I thank God you're out of that and you're recognizing that what they're doing is wrong! I don't care if they are the majority...they are wrong! Any body/group who adds their own special rules/regulations about and beyond salvation by grace and maintaining your salvation through works is cultish! It hurts but be sure you celebrate that you're out of it. It's going to be hard, but be sure to celebrate that your salvation does not depend on them! It depends only on God's loving grace...it's a gift! not to be earned and "lived" for...they can't take it away!

What resources have you come in contact with?

[Meg Evenstar]

Hi Meg,

I had to go to those legalistic private schools growing up (long skirts, long hair, minimal makeup - I still thank God for zit cover-up!- high collars, no rock-n-roll - not even "contemporary Christian" - it's all evil).

I got out in the real world and it was like :eek: . I had a hard time adjusting. The real world is not legalistic nor does the church/schools prepare you for how to deal in it. This may be a blessing in disguise even though it doesn't feel like it.

Any chance you could research home-schooling through the internet and being allowed to join a "covering" through the web? Does Alabama law state specifically that the church HAS to be Alabamian?

I also notice in your posts you write a lot about their rules & laws & their acceptance...but not a lot about what God says. I thank God you're out of that and you're recognizing that what they're doing is wrong! I don't care if they are the majority...they are wrong! Any body/group who adds their own special rules/regulations about and beyond salvation by grace and maintaining your salvation through works is cultish! It hurts but be sure you celebrate that you're out of it. It's going to be hard, but be sure to celebrate that your salvation does not depend on them! It depends only on God's loving grace...it's a gift! not to be earned and "lived" for...they can't take it away!

What resources have you come in contact with?


Thanks, Spinning. I have not come in contact with any sources. I am alone now. To answer your question about Alabama Law, it has to be a church school here in Alabama and all of the covering seem to have some sort of legalistic rule, except the Methodist one which I will begin to pursue in January. I'm still praying through this and I know God will provide a way. For right now I have no choice but to be alone. Because of the kids I can not seek out fellowship through volunteering, exercise groups or art classes like I would like. Even though I am alone I don't necessarily feel alone. My daughter and I are very close and we do things together. I have my sister to talk with whenever I need to and I have friends that live away from here that I can call, so I'm not totally alone. What I can't seem to come to grips with is the rejection. Why are they doing this? Has it always been this way? I know in the home school groups and in my former church we were not suppose to let our children play with others outside of the group, but that was OK back them because I didn't know anyone outside the group. Now I'm outside the group.

Meg

[SpinningHead]

What I can't seem to come to grips with is the rejection. Why are they doing this? Has it always been this way? Meg

They are doing this because you're willing to stand up and say, "the emporer has no clothes on!" Remember that story? And yes, in my experience it has always been that way. You and I have always been taught to say "yes" to these people all our lives and it's what they know they can expect from us...and then one day we figure something out for ourselves and gain the courage to say "NO". How dare we??? Who do we think we are???

Yeah, the rejection major stinks. It's new to us and completely opposite of what they teach so we don't expect it to come from them...they preach love, they react with hateful acts. They preach compassion, they react with swift and unfair judgement. They preach gentleness...of which their gossip knows no boundaries. They preach forgiveness but they themselves work for grace.

What about a professional therapist in your area skilled in this arena of spiritual abuse? An option?

[gwen]

No Leslie, home schooling is only legal in Alabama through church based schools and almost all of them are fundamentalist Christian, most of which are in this area of North Alabama. My husband did remind me that the Methodist Church here has a covering and to contact them. I will be doing that before summer when I have to re-enroll. The only thing is all they offer is a covering and no support, record keeping or anything else. However, after this last experience, maybe I don't need anything. I can produce my own transcripts.


Meg,

Do these church based schools have to be in Alabama? We have a Christian school here locally that isn't affiliated with any particular church and they have a "covering" program for home schoolers. I don't know if they work with anyone long distance, however, and I'm not sure if they cover high school. I know that there are also correspondence programs that will do transcripts and record keeping. Are you allowed to use one of them? Ohio has GREAT regulations for home schoolers! They formulated the regulations in the late 80's and the committee that formulated them had people from the home schooling community, as well as public and private school personnel. We basically have to notify our superintendent annually and the notification includes stating that we will provide our children 900 hours of education per year, that we will teach the required subjects, a list of the curriculum that we intend to use, an outline of what we intend to teach for the year (say for math: multiplication, division, fractions, etc.), and if we homeschooled the previous year, we have to send in an assessment report, which can be standardized test scores, a statement from a certified teacher (called a written narrative) which basically states that he/she examined a portfolio of the student's work for the year and that the student has made academic progress for the year, or another form of assessment "mutually agreed upon by the superintendent and the parent". It's pretty simple and parents have control in their own decisions. There are support groups for home schoolers, but you are not required to be affiliated with anyone, if you don't want to. My sister also homeschools and we are our own "support group". :)

Gwen

[Meg Evenstar]

Yeah, the rejection major stinks. It's new to us and completely opposite of what they teach so we don't expect it to come from them...they preach love, they react with hateful acts. They preach compassion, they react with swift and unfair judgement. They preach gentleness...of which their gossip knows no boundaries. They preach forgiveness but they themselves work for grace.


Yes, that's exactly how it was and is:( I'm on the outside now. In one way it feels pretty good. I feel free:D On the other hand it is lonely:( Umm... that sounds strange to me because most of the time I don't necessarialy feel lonely, though I am alone. I guess today I feel lonely:confused:


What about a professional therapist in your area skilled in this arena of spiritual abuse? An option?

Well, I hadn't thought I needed one. What I need is a kindred spirit to pal around with. I have always had one and before getting into church they were not necessarialy Christian, but they were always good decent people. They have either moved away or I have moved. Many of them I still talk to by phone. Thanks for the encouragement it is helping.:)

Meg

[Meg Evenstar]

Meg,

Do these church based schools have to be in Alabama? We have a Christian school here locally that isn't affiliated with any particular church and they have a "covering" program for home schoolers. I don't know if they work with anyone long distance, however, and I'm not sure if they cover high school. I know that there are also correspondence programs that will do transcripts and record keeping. Are you allowed to use one of them? Ohio has GREAT regulations for home schoolers! They formulated the regulations in the late 80's and the committee that formulated them had people from the home schooling community, as well as public and private school personnel. We basically have to notify our superintendent annually and the notification includes stating that we will provide our children 900 hours of education per year, that we will teach the required subjects, a list of the curriculum that we intend to use, an outline of what we intend to teach for the year (say for math: multiplication, division, fractions, etc.), and if we homeschooled the previous year, we have to send in an assessment report, which can be standardized test scores, a statement from a certified teacher (called a written narrative) which basically states that he/she examined a portfolio of the student's work for the year and that the student has made academic progress for the year, or another form of assessment "mutually agreed upon by the superintendent and the parent". It's pretty simple and parents have control in their own decisions. There are support groups for home schoolers, but you are not required to be affiliated with anyone, if you don't want to. My sister also homeschools and we are our own "support group". :)

Gwen


Sadly Gwen, it does have to be in Alabama. The academic requirements are not the problem. It's the code of behavior that is the problem. The two non Christian groups are very expensive and one has some academic requirements that I don't like such as having a board of review by six certified teachers that specify the curriculum. In other words I don't have academic freedom.

Are you close to Massillon? My sister lives there is really going through some tough times. If there is a support group there she would love to know about it.

Meg

[SpinningHead]

Well, I hadn't thought I needed one. What I need is a kindred spirit to pal around with. I have always had one and before getting into church they were not necessarialy Christian, but they were always good decent people. They have either moved away or I have moved. Many of them I still talk to by phone. Thanks for the encouragement it is helping.:)
Meg

Don't underestimate what you've gone through and what you're going through. Just keep it in mind is all I'm saying. Some of them can be whack-jobs and some of them can be angels graced with love. Mine was wonderful in helping me process emotions in positive ways and getting myself to a healthier place all around. Mine helped me find strength I didn't know I had. Hang in there...it's a roller coaster ride. :)

[gwen]

Sadly Gwen, it does have to be in Alabama. The academic requirements are not the problem. It's the code of behavior that is the problem. The two non Christian groups are very expensive and one has some academic requirements that I don't like such as having a board of review by six certified teachers that specify the curriculum. In other words I don't have academic freedom.

Are you close to Massillon? My sister lives there is really going through some tough times. If there is a support group there she would love to know about it.

Meg

That has to be so difficult for you! I wonder if there's a way that you could link up with other homeschoolers in your state that are dealing with the same issues as you (the rejection) and start your own group covering. At this point, it sounds like the Methodist church is going to be your best alternative.


No, I'm not close to Massillon...isn't that in northeastern Ohio? I'm in southwestern Ohio. Years ago, I was a member of CHEO, Christian Home Educators of Ohio, and they listed local support groups. Since its been several years ago, I'm not up-to-date if they still list local support groups, but I do know that CHEO has a website. She might try that and see if she can find anyone to link up with.

Gwen

[Satscout]

I sent this link to you in a PM but I don't know if you got it... and will repost here...

http://homeschooling.gomilpitas.com/regional/AlabamaCover.htm

At least one of the list claims to require no fees AND no "statement of faith". Maybe this will help.

Sharon

[Meg Evenstar]

I sent this link to you in a PM but I don't know if you got it... and will repost here...

http://homeschooling.gomilpitas.com/regional/AlabamaCover.htm

At least one of the list claims to require no fees AND no "statement of faith". Maybe this will help.

Sharon

Thanks for this link. I have bookmarked it for further investigation. I noticed my old covering is listed under the non-statement of faith, but that's not exactly true. No you don't have to ''sign'' anything, but they definately do have a code and I was and am shunned by them. My current covering does not require me to sign, but it is definately understood what I should and should not do. How ever there are some there that I have heard of and I will check them out.

Thanks,

Meg

[Siobhanne]

Thanks for all the warm welcomes. I really need that as I am very lonely. I gave up nearly all of my friends. I still have a few, but we did move fifteen miles away from the community and I have had a very difficult time here. I thought we could start over, but it's looking like we can't. You see, in Alabama you have to be under a church covering to home school legally and almost all of the home school coverings are legalistic Christian. I can not be received by 98 % of them because I am not actively involved in church. I could lie about it, many do and I was told to do so, but I can't and won't do that. I also can't sign the statement of faith that most require because I will no longer put myself under a religious yoke. One group said I had to join their church, which I was willing to do, but then they had to observe our family for six months to see if we had Godly character. At that we got sick at heart and left the church. It was a Rick Warren ''Purpose Driven'' Church which I didn't agree with when I read the book. You see the churches here are either too loose with touchy, feely, gooie, sweet rock n roll or strict legalistic. I can't find a church like I knew pre 1990s. What happened?

My oldest son is rebelling so for that reason we are viewed as unfit by most of the home school groups. Basically, he wants nothing to do with church and lets them know what he thinks of their youth groups and activities. The covering we were with last year tried to block my daughter from being excepted into the University of Alabama. They refused to send in her transcript! I asked the admissions office if I could bring in a copy and they agreed or she would not have been allowed to attend. I know we were being punished because we are considered liberal now, which is so far from the truth that it isn't funny. You see my daughter has dark hair, likes to wear fashions from different periods, and likes bright colors. They call her Gothic. We didn't know what that was a first, but now I feel insulted since I have learned what it means. I have stopped wearing my hair fashions as I don't like being called Gothic, but my daughter refuses to give up the things she loves because she knows it is what is in her heart that counts and not her style of clothing. Odd thing is, she has never dated or had a boyfriend and only wears dresses, most of which are tea length to floor length. We can't win for losing.

The current home school covering doesn't want us either because they have heard the rumors and about how we are different. I have tried so hard not to be different, but they changed the rules and no one told me. I use to keep up with things better when I listened to Christian Radio and bought the latest books from Life Way. I haven't done that in three years so I don't know what the latest Taboo is. I followed Marlon Maddox for years and bought every book doing everything that was said and never questioned anything -- until now.

Some of the groups condemn you for reading Tolkien, Lewis, Hans Christian Anderson, Grimes Fairy Tales and all of the Mythologies and don't even mention Harry Potter, because they all agree that those are evil and so did I for a very long time, but now I just don't think so anymore since I have read them. So you see we had to hide so much of what we did in our home schooling and after a point the kids just didn't want to any more and that is where my new troubles began, so you see, I'm still in the fire.

I feel I won't be totally free until the youngest is in college and that is five years away. I know I am rambling on and probably not making very much sense. I apologize for that. Do I have some mark on my head that says ''She's not one of us, so shun her''? If I am doing things wrong, could they not gently love and instruct me? How about praying for me and being my friend? If the things I let my children read and study are wrong, won't God tell me? He has always been my guiding light and never failed me. I'm still confused. Why is it that we are not accepted since the last church experience? May I already know the answer. We are no longer the same. We think and question now instead of just accept what we are told. I guess we no longer know our place.

Meg

[Hope 98]

Just a word about Methodists

I'm probably being a little defensive, but I was the secretary for a Methodist Church for about 3 years. There were some absolutely wonderful people there.

The Methodist "organization" is the most bureaucratic mess I've had the misfortune to have to deal with.

All things considered though, I wouldn't be afraid of the Methodist church. Any individual church can be abusive in its own way - but the doctrine that the Methodist church is built on is just not structured to lend itself to abuse. At least, not from the top down.

The abuse I ran into in the Methodist church was more often aimed at the pastor, which is not any better than the other way around in altruistic terms, but it is safer as a pew sitter :)

I spent some time as a member of a Methodist church, but I wasn't a member of the church where I was secretary. I attend a church that used to be Mennonite, but they are now joining a network that doesn't really have a denominational name attached to it.

[ex-shep]

[QUOTE=Hope 98]Just a word about Methodists

I'm probably being a little defensive, but I was the secretary for a Methodist Church for about 3 years. There were some absolutely wonderful people there.

The Methodist "organization" is the most bureaucratic mess I've had the misfortune to have to deal with.

Yes, the beurocracy can be mind boggling. No doubt. I have spent years in the UMC. The UMC in Dallas I can still reccomend, especially for one who has been spiritually abused. The staff has real knowlege and sensitivity in that arena. I do come down on the conservative side of methodism. So when the church took a boldly liberal bent, that was a little more than I could take and my conscience was not going to let me get away with it.

I have been member of three UMC churches in Ohio and Texas. I do not regret a minute of it.