bad mom

[Leslie]

I just heard from a dear friend at church that some of the ladies at church make (snidish?) comments when I don't go to prayer meeting that my husband is "there again with the kids!". I understand that she doesn't want to be involved, which means she doesn't want to tell me who is questioning my mothering. She said she thinks some people believe I am slack in my mothering because of this. Of course these people don't know my reasons for not being there.

He takes them there often because he insists on it. During the separation he insisted on seeing them nightly after his lawyer told him to, and took them to church even if it was to stash them in the nursery, often keeping them out until 10:00 .

[Jerry]

I just heard from a dear friend at church that some of the ladies at church make (snidish?) comments when I don't go to prayer meeting that my husband is "there again with the kids!". I understand that she doesn't want to be involved, which means she doesn't want to tell me who is questioning my mothering. She said she thinks some people believe I am slack in my mothering because of this. Of course these people don't know my reasons for not being there.

He takes them there often because he insists on it. During the separation he insisted on seeing them nightly after his lawyer told him to, and took them to church even if it was to stash them in the nursery, often keeping them out until 10:00 .
Dear Leslie,,,
Be strong for yourself and kids and don't let them get to you.What you are whitnessing is these people walking whole before you to their deaths.That is how they kill themselves.That is the way they die.All day they wage these little wars,,,,,,,,,,,,,and the darkness accumulates in their minds like poison :(
Love Jerry

[mstar]

Leslie, Jerry is right. Know it hurts and you prob. feel like you are in a "web" of misunderstanding.

If these people are called by Christ to be your friends, then they will be listening to His Spirit and believing the best of you. . . His great unconditional love for you. If not, detach and give them to the Lord to deal with. Continue to be the good mom that you are and ignore them.

Will continue to pray for you and your family.

[gwen]

How hurtful and how judgmental! :( :mad: :( Just out of curiosity, why did this friend of yours feel the need to share these horrible comments with you? Was she upset that someone would talk so badly about you? Did she come to your defense when these ladies were commenting about you? If someone said these kinds of words about a friend of mine, it would really make me mad and I would speak up in her defense!!!

I'm so sorry that your husband is using your children in this way...in an attempt to make you "look bad". And just taking them to stash them in the nursery until 10:00, how is that being a "good parent"? I now regret the things that I put my children through because of our involvement with our former "church". My youngest one spent late nights in the "church" nursery because of lengthy services. Do I feel that that made me a "good mother" by putting him through that? Absolutely not! My involvement in our former "church" made me a worse mother, not a better one!

Gwen

[SpinningHead]

I say "moon" em! :p

[butterfly]

:) Leslie, DO you think your husband said anything to these ladys?
You don"t have to say anything to some because they know the truth NOT:mad: :mad: :mad: .
The church I went to had busy bodys acting like buzzards. If you missed a service they were right there buzzing around picking at you when you went back. Worse yet they would dive in on your family if you didn"t show up with them. Pick pick away they would go at it. My poor sons hated to go to church if I wasn"t going because they hated those attacks.
I am sorry that you have to be picked apart from the buzzards in that church.:( butterfly [shirley]

[Joseph]

Hi Leslie,

I'm going through similar things right now, because I haven't been in church for about 8 months, and I have custody of my daughter every Sunday, I am being heavily criticized by the ex wife, her family and their friends and minions. I said I woulld be happy to explain to them what had happened to us and they say "I don't want to hear it" that was their exact words. It was okay for my ex, not going to church for the last three years (she just started going again in the last couple of months) and her parents spenta year out of church too, but that was okay. They are making a feeble attempt to make me look bad, I stand up for what I feel is right for my daughter and I, screw them and their judging and their slander, their just trying to get me to react. Thats what you have to be careful of, they try to get you to explode or be unstable, question yourself. Keep your relationships strong with your kids, pour into them. Try not to be critical of those people in front of them, and educate them as soon as you think they're old enough, as they get older they will see whats going on. My daughters twelve and she went through the SA with me, she saw it, she learned from it, and they can't pull the wool over her eyes. As a matter of fact, she questions why they don't want to hear about how we were hurt by the church, why they don't care. It may take a little time, but your integrity will shine through and all of this stuff will be exposed as the nonsense that it is.

Hang in there,
Joe

[Leslie]

The few people I asked knew nothing of the gossip. I think my friend told me to warn me for my own good--to let me know what my absence looks like to some. She doesn't think she was supposed t hear the comments, so she didn't address the speakers. That's really all I know.

The late, late nights were when we were separated. Once then the elders and my husband kept my kids at church until 11pm. With all their cell phones turned off I was beside myself with worry. Now they're usually home by 9:15, which still means a late bedtime!

thanks, all, I'll respond to your kind comments soon
Leslie

[Leslie]

Joseph,
Wow. I'm sorry to hear about the out-law's treatment of you! Thanks for the good words.

Butterfly, glad you and yours escaped before you were left for dry bones! Sorry to hear about it, though!

Gwen, thank you. As an aside, finally now that the church is growing, they have adopted some more child-friendly practices during the services. Still, it doesn't beat quality time at home as a family.

mstar, very good words, though detaching is hard for me.

One problem with allusins to gossip like this is that you don't know who said it, so it can become worse in your mind. (Spinning, is this what you call a tornado?) I think someone should let me be privy to who this is, especially as gossip is likely to grow, and more people's opinions can be influenced.

Spinning and Jerry, thanks for the sentiments. :)

[Janice]

done worry about what anyone thinks, You know the truth. ---- em if they cant take a joke

[Carmen]

Hi Leslie,

Like I said in another post, you are not being a bad mom. They are being bad with the gossipping. It would be better for the kids to be snug in their beds instead of perambulating about in the nursery after hours. I don't take my kids to late meetings, period, and if I can't get a decent babysitter (right now we can't afford it) then I stay at home, basta.

Hi Joseph,

Sorry to hear how your family still is at you. I hope your daughter can cope with the pressure and the truth. I hate the way kids get caught in the middle of these things. But it was heartening to hear that she may be able to defend herself using the past experience.

[Joseph]

Actually, the situation with my daughter is developing into a strength. She is standing strong by Gods Word, the ex family are trying to manipulate the situation by using the same approach abusive pastors take, I know the truth and you don't, she rebuffs them by comparing what they say to what Jesus said, and WahLah, their outed. They're digging a hole for themselves and don't even know it. Gods Words are so powerful and indisputable. I'm so proud of her, she also knows not to disrespect her mother so I tell her to stand for the Truth, respectfully, and if you get pushed up against the wall call me, and I'll take it from there, it's sort of like a tag team. It's been very empowering watching God work through a young girl and it's so wonderful to see her embrace the true Jesus and put her Faith in him at this early age. It's pretty darn cool.
I appreciate your concern, thank you, but they're the ones that are in trouble because everytime they do this stuff, they push her away a little more and they don't even realize it, they're too busy trying to ram they're agenda down her throat.

Joe

[baldguy]

I'm with Spinning head.... Moon 'em and teach your kiddo's to do the same??? How's that for mothering??? Ok maybe not the best advice. We have gone through that here.... I because I work there get to church much earlier than my wife and kids need to be there or even awake for that matter. I used to take one kid at a time with me just to have alone time with them and to give my wife a break on sunday morning.... The rumor mill went into high gear that she wouldn't get out of bed so I had to parent the kids by myself.... Very hurtful but completly unfounded.

BG

[gwen]

I think my friend told me to warn me for my own good--to let me know what my absence looks like to some.

SO WHAT?!?!?!?:mad: :rolleyes: :eek: What it looks like to busybodies and gossips?!?!?!?!?

Who cares what it looks like to others? You KNOW the truth!!!!

[leesiebella]

lu·di·crous

ADJECTIVE:

Laughable or hilarious because of obvious absurdity or incongruity.
See Synonyms at foolish.


:( leesiebella

[Leslie]

SO WHAT?!?!?!?:mad: :rolleyes: :eek: What it looks like to busybodies and gossips?!?!?!?!? Who cares what it looks like to others? You KNOW the truth!!!!

Gwen, I know the truth, and perhaps many at church do, too. But gossip can run like wildfire, the Bible speaks about the value of reputation, and I really don't want the uninformed opinions of people at church being taken serciously if my mothering ever gets called into question in the legal realm. I take my mothering and kids' welfare quite seriously, so the murmuring is bothersome, since I think it could hurt me and my kids in pratical ways.

Joeseph, this is good. I'm glad that, being old enough, she is able to discern.

I spoke to one of the elder's at church and he, a very respectable man, assured me that there are good reasons a busy mom might stay behind from church. I am heartened to know that this elder has a common sense approach.

[gwen]

Gwen, I know the truth, and perhaps many at church do, too. But gossip can run like wildfire, the Bible speaks about the value of reputation, and I really don't want the uninformed opinions of people at church being taken serciously if my mothering ever gets called into question in the legal realm. I take my mothering and kids' welfare quite seriously, so the murmuring is bothersome, since I think it could hurt me and my kids in pratical ways.



From my own personal experience, in a legal realm, whether or not a person goes to church is never a question when there is a parenting issue. We were foster parents for awhile, so we dealt with the social/children's services agency personally. I never saw a single case plan during that time that required a parent to attend church. I know a lot of parents who are good parents, but they don't go to church. They love their kids and try to do the best that they can with them.

If you are concerned about legal aspects related to your parenting, you may want to contact an attorney. Also, do you have people in your life who could speak on your behalf regarding your parenting?

These women that are saying these negative things about your mothering, don't they go to the church that sells the rubber "spanking tools"? In the legal realm, I would think that that would be more of an issue with the courts than whether or not you attend church.

Gwen

[Joseph]

I agree with Gwen, in my legal experience going through divorce, going to church wasn't a concern for the court. Heck, I caught my wife in an affair, and I could prove it and the State of New York said it didn't matter. All they care about is the welfare of the children, anything that is brought up without fact to back it up is hearsay and it cannot be used, so you don't have to worry about what people say in a legal matter, they have to prove it. Here's something that I learned and has helped alot, don't talk on the phone to your ex, do everything on e-mail. E-mail is legally admissable in court as evidence and a diary of the events that take place is also looked on as favorable.
Protect yourself and enjoy your kids, don't let them rob you of that.

Joe

[Joseph]

Hey Baldguy,

YOU'RE OUT TWO DAYS AND YOUR MOONING PEOPLE ALREADY!!!!
WHATS UP WITH THAT?

Glad to see that your laughing!

Joe

[mstar]

mstar, very good words, though detaching is hard for me.


gads, girl, detaching is just hard. Bless you!

[Leslie]

. Also, do you have people in your life who could speak on your behalf regarding your parenting?Gwen

People on both sides of the family and my friends have seen me parent and at least on my side, the consensus seems to be that I'm "so positive". A sister in law on his side also thinks I'm a very good influence in the face of the punitive tack. Our neighbor tells me I'm a great mom! : ) I think the professionals in my kid's lives know that I take my mothering seriously, am always intereted in what the experts say.

(y'all( Thanks much for your thoughts. :)
Leslie

[Carmen]

Actually, the situation with my daughter is developing into a strength. She is standing strong by Gods Word, the ex family are trying to manipulate the situation by using the same approach abusive pastors take, I know the truth and you don't, she rebuffs them by comparing what they say to what Jesus said, and WahLah, their outed. They're digging a hole for themselves and don't even know it. Gods Words are so powerful and indisputable. I'm so proud of her, she also knows not to disrespect her mother so I tell her to stand for the Truth, respectfully, and if you get pushed up against the wall call me, and I'll take it from there, it's sort of like a tag team. It's been very empowering watching God work through a young girl and it's so wonderful to see her embrace the true Jesus and put her Faith in him at this early age. It's pretty darn cool.
I appreciate your concern, thank you, but they're the ones that are in trouble because everytime they do this stuff, they push her away a little more and they don't even realize it, they're too busy trying to ram they're agenda down her throat.

Joe

Wow! If there were a discernment award I'd nominate her for it! :D It is too bad that they are distancing themselves that way, but maybe they will listen to her later, who knows.

[Leslie]

When I relayed the story of the murmuring about my mothering at church, my husband's reply was, "So what?!" "Why do you care?!" "There's nothing I can do for you!" and "I don't want to be involved." as he mostly scanned the internet.

This seems a bit callous.

[Janice]

When I relayed the story of the murmuring about my mothering at church, my husband's reply was, "So what?!" "Why do you care?!" "There's nothing I can do for you!" and "I don't want to be involved." as he mostly scanned the internet.

This seems a bit callous.

uh...yea! Sorry but my first thought was "what an ass"

[Jerry]

uh...yea! Sorry but my first thought was "what an ass"
My first thought ??????,,,,,,,,,,perhaps a "Shot" up side the head with a cast iron skillit will get his attention !!!!! :D
Love Jerry