Hope 98
11-02-2005, 06:56 PM
:o
The following is an email I received a couple of weeks ago from my son-in-law's mother, someone I had considered a friend when she lived nearby. She moved out of state a few years ago, & we have not maintained a lot of contact.
Subject: So you think (daughter #2) is trouble?
My dear friend,
Do you think my daughters think I am/was a model mother? Hah! I know what (daughter #1) says abt you. She does not reject you like my daughters are rejecting and judging me in many words and condescencion and disrespectful actions! (daughter #1) may have wounds from her childhood (I am assuming, she does not talk ill of you.) but she loves and cares deeply for you. She is acting with great grace and maturity and I am so proud of her. You have so much to be proud of in her. I hope some day to see that maturity and grace in all our daughters. Maybe after they have tasted parenthood for a while, like (daughter #1), and realize how difficult it is to do it right - all the time - and never mess up, always say and do the right thing, always separate oneself from the things of ones own past! If they don't, they get to live it in their own lives (sow the wind, reap the whirlwind) Judge and be judged. I so desperately hope and pray that none of our daughters will come under that curse.
I believe it is our mercy that has tripped us up. We have had mercy when we should not have, on ourselves and on our kids. We have demanded mercy (to be excused) when we should have bowed under God's discipline! Human mercy demands a victim and a bad guy and a rescuer. Human mercy demands that it's object is always made to feel good abt themselves. No matter what. Dare confronted me on this pattern in my life and for the first time, I recognized it: Poor me, look at how I have suffered, they hurt me, I must have a loyal friend and God help the friend if they are not !00% in agreement with my view!
How can we ever grow if every darn thing that hurts is a devastating blow to poor vulnerable me and everyone else is a &*%&^%&^*&^&^. (I am still fighting this feeling, every day) It feels soooo good to feel martyred and cry and blame-shift. I have lain in bed in a fetal position and wept and wept, and raged at God and everyone else. But God will not remove His hand of discipline til I get it, and grow, because in His mercy, He knows, like everyone else, I have things in my soul He needs to deal with and He ALWAYS uses others to bring out our issues. And He never stops til He gets what He wants done!
And, by the way, when we indulge and have too much mercy on our kids, they judge us more harshly and do not fear losing us, almost like they have contempt for our mercy. They have contempt when we cry and say they hurt us, they despise our mushy hearts! We become needy soul suckers. That has given me a new motive to grow some steel in my spine and stop bleeding! And I don't mean bitterness. Steel, baby, steel!
We have entered a new phase of our lives. The birth pains hurt. But Jesus is capable of bringing us thru whole and we will again rejoice. We will be stronger and wiser and less vulnerable to every buffeting blow. We will be healed of our old, old wounds, and able to love the way Jesus loves, selflessly,without whining when others do stupid stuff. We will be able to hear, calmly without self-defense, when others tell us how we failed them. (I have had a steady diet of this, please believe me. Even my sister will no longer speak to me and says I have "destroyed her family" because of something Dana said to Amy abt Peggy. No one likes me anymore!))
When He is done with this phase, we will be able to repent and change, with grace, dignity and healthy self-love. They will have far less power over how we feel abt ourselves! And won't that be nice!
Like I said, I am a few years ahead of you in this. Run to Him, trust the pruning shears in His hands and stop screaming. I can say that because I have finally stopped screaming inside. (OK, most of the time, ) Don't wait, take a leap of faith that He is able to take you thru and you don't have to feel like someone is doing open heart surgery without anesthesia. We must take this risk of faith, quiet our spirits, set our faces like flint, like soldiers, reject the sins of bitterness and self-pity by an act of will and obedience. There is no other way out of the pain. If we dont, it will be permanent pain.
[Hope], it is God who is dealing with us, growing us up, tearing us away from the things of our past, preparing us to be matriarchs of strength and maturity and wholeness. It is not a concerted attack of betrayal by our families! If you can see it as God disciplining (training and pruning) us, it will be so much less painful. He knows what he is doing and He has no selfish cruel motives like humans.
I am and will remain your faithful friend. I have no other motives and want your beautiful grandchildren to have both grandmas. It would be very sad indeed if they did not grow up with you in their hearts. They would have missed a treasure..
The following is an email I received a couple of weeks ago from my son-in-law's mother, someone I had considered a friend when she lived nearby. She moved out of state a few years ago, & we have not maintained a lot of contact.
Subject: So you think (daughter #2) is trouble?
My dear friend,
Do you think my daughters think I am/was a model mother? Hah! I know what (daughter #1) says abt you. She does not reject you like my daughters are rejecting and judging me in many words and condescencion and disrespectful actions! (daughter #1) may have wounds from her childhood (I am assuming, she does not talk ill of you.) but she loves and cares deeply for you. She is acting with great grace and maturity and I am so proud of her. You have so much to be proud of in her. I hope some day to see that maturity and grace in all our daughters. Maybe after they have tasted parenthood for a while, like (daughter #1), and realize how difficult it is to do it right - all the time - and never mess up, always say and do the right thing, always separate oneself from the things of ones own past! If they don't, they get to live it in their own lives (sow the wind, reap the whirlwind) Judge and be judged. I so desperately hope and pray that none of our daughters will come under that curse.
I believe it is our mercy that has tripped us up. We have had mercy when we should not have, on ourselves and on our kids. We have demanded mercy (to be excused) when we should have bowed under God's discipline! Human mercy demands a victim and a bad guy and a rescuer. Human mercy demands that it's object is always made to feel good abt themselves. No matter what. Dare confronted me on this pattern in my life and for the first time, I recognized it: Poor me, look at how I have suffered, they hurt me, I must have a loyal friend and God help the friend if they are not !00% in agreement with my view!
How can we ever grow if every darn thing that hurts is a devastating blow to poor vulnerable me and everyone else is a &*%&^%&^*&^&^. (I am still fighting this feeling, every day) It feels soooo good to feel martyred and cry and blame-shift. I have lain in bed in a fetal position and wept and wept, and raged at God and everyone else. But God will not remove His hand of discipline til I get it, and grow, because in His mercy, He knows, like everyone else, I have things in my soul He needs to deal with and He ALWAYS uses others to bring out our issues. And He never stops til He gets what He wants done!
And, by the way, when we indulge and have too much mercy on our kids, they judge us more harshly and do not fear losing us, almost like they have contempt for our mercy. They have contempt when we cry and say they hurt us, they despise our mushy hearts! We become needy soul suckers. That has given me a new motive to grow some steel in my spine and stop bleeding! And I don't mean bitterness. Steel, baby, steel!
We have entered a new phase of our lives. The birth pains hurt. But Jesus is capable of bringing us thru whole and we will again rejoice. We will be stronger and wiser and less vulnerable to every buffeting blow. We will be healed of our old, old wounds, and able to love the way Jesus loves, selflessly,without whining when others do stupid stuff. We will be able to hear, calmly without self-defense, when others tell us how we failed them. (I have had a steady diet of this, please believe me. Even my sister will no longer speak to me and says I have "destroyed her family" because of something Dana said to Amy abt Peggy. No one likes me anymore!))
When He is done with this phase, we will be able to repent and change, with grace, dignity and healthy self-love. They will have far less power over how we feel abt ourselves! And won't that be nice!
Like I said, I am a few years ahead of you in this. Run to Him, trust the pruning shears in His hands and stop screaming. I can say that because I have finally stopped screaming inside. (OK, most of the time, ) Don't wait, take a leap of faith that He is able to take you thru and you don't have to feel like someone is doing open heart surgery without anesthesia. We must take this risk of faith, quiet our spirits, set our faces like flint, like soldiers, reject the sins of bitterness and self-pity by an act of will and obedience. There is no other way out of the pain. If we dont, it will be permanent pain.
[Hope], it is God who is dealing with us, growing us up, tearing us away from the things of our past, preparing us to be matriarchs of strength and maturity and wholeness. It is not a concerted attack of betrayal by our families! If you can see it as God disciplining (training and pruning) us, it will be so much less painful. He knows what he is doing and He has no selfish cruel motives like humans.
I am and will remain your faithful friend. I have no other motives and want your beautiful grandchildren to have both grandmas. It would be very sad indeed if they did not grow up with you in their hearts. They would have missed a treasure..