OK... another post

[Willow]

I'm fighting a big desire to deface myself publicly. It's a tendency I have that eventually leads to physical self harm. SO... rather than write what I feel like writing. I'm just telling you all where I'm at today. I'm off my medication and going to try to have a go at life without having to take antidepressants. I'm not sure what triggered me today... but think it may have something to do with being off the antidepressant and also the end of summer.

I feel like it would be great if I could validate how UGLY I feel today and just beat the shit out of myself. However... I really want to keep choosing higher paths. I've been having so much fun this summer. It's disappointing to have a relapse.

OK that's me today... warts and all.

[gwen]

Dear Amy,

*BIG BEAR HUGS*

Can you think of something to do nice for yourself? Buy yourself some flowers, go for a walk on a nature trail, take yourself out to lunch, read a heartwarming novel or a mystery, go see a movie??? What do you like to do? Be kind to yourself today! Do you have a friend or family member that is safe for you to talk to to help you through this "hump"?

I wish I could do something for you to help you through this dark period :( ...you already have my prayers!

More *BIG BEAR HUGS*

Love, Gwen

[Willow]

Thanks Gwen,

Hugs are good! I've actually been doing all kinds of fun stuff for myself lately. Maybe I had too much fun. Maybe I need to feel productive instead of pampered. I've considered volunteering at the mission... I dunno. The people at the pub I hang out at are very accepting. Seems like I'm able to give lots of warm fuzzies there. Maybe that's enough without having to embark on something that involves commitment. That is the word I fear most since I dropped out of church and ministry. Commitment feels like prison to me because I was a 100% committed to the church. Now I don't want to do anything outside of work that I have to promise to be there on a schedule... etc.

OK.. I'm rambling!

[gwen]

Oh COMMITMENTS!!! :D I too was 100% committed to our former "church"...I know what you mean about the "prison" feeling. I have committed myself to some things recently and now I've got that scared feeling!!! It is an effort to fulfill these commitments but I know that there are commitments in life, so I'm just taking things one day at time...I have good days and bad days...personally I find that I would just love to stay on the forum all day and forget about everything else! (There are many days since I've found the forum that I have had to force myself off to go do other necessary things.)

Gwen

[Janice]

((((((((((Willow))))))))))

Make sure it's worth it. Good Luck.

[Leslie]

Willow,

Do you think you tapered off the meds in a safe gradual way?

You are really valuable and have comforted a lot of us here. That is beauty. (Tell yourself that!) We're glad you are you!

Leslie

[leesiebella]

Willow...

So sorry to hear you are having a crappy day. I'm sorry...:(

Do you want to come over? We can bake a chocolate cake or something??? You want to go for a walk? Fresh air and sunshine might just make your day!

You are important and you are valuable. Like I said in the other thread, you are a gift!

hope your day brightens...;)

leesiebella

[Willow]

Wow.. ya'll are always wonderful when I just buck up and share something honest. Thanks!

Leslie,

I'm pretty sure I'm tapering off the meds correctly. I had a doc helping me for awhile and then halfed what he halfed. It's barely even a dose the way I've been taking it for the past several months.

I think I nailed down what triggered my bad day. The time change!!!! Winter is here and my wonderful fun summer has ended! It's dark now when I get off work... etc. I am an avid outdoor person and when the time changes it affects me greatly.

Leesie.. I forgot where you live... but YES! That would be fun!!!

Janice... thanks so much for your response. It's definitely worth at least a try. If I can't give it a good go this time... maybe next spring when the days are longer and life is funner.

Gwen... just knowing someone else feels the same way about commitments is a relief. I feel like such a flake sometimes. I have found a few places that take you just as you are and don't expect stuff from you. Unfortunately they're bars and places of lesser dignity than a church.

Anyway... I feel better just getting this out of my system! Thanks ya'll. HUGS

[magicbear]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( willow )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

HUGE BEAR HUGS,,,,,,,, wish i could go ride horses with you or paint you the black widow on your jacket lol just letting you know i was here and *saw * you wanted to wish you good things hope to catch you on yahoo once my computers back

love-Robert

[Willow]

Hiya Robert... HUGS :)
Catch you on yahoo later maybe... if I can get online tonight.
Riding horses and bikes has been what's kept me up this summer. I may have to just do it in the snow this winter!

[Turtle]

hiya (((((((((((((Willow))))))))))))!!!!
I haven't been on here much lately, but I check in once in awhile. I often think of you; you are always a gem to me!
love from Turtle

[Voyager]

Willow,

I hate it when those lies try to degrade me. They seem so powerful. I feel powerless against them. That's because I was. When I was a little kid I had no power over them.

You have come so far Willow. I have seen your progress over the years. The self-injury bouts have become less and less. You have more control over them now. You're not the helpless, powerless little girl anymore. You are the more powerful force Willow.

:cool:

[Voyager]

I really want to keep choosing higher paths.
I know it's hard, but you are doing the right thing. When you post those lies here, we can help you beat them back down. You're not on your own anymore. We're here for you.

:cool:

[Leslie]

You people are awesome the way you support each other and are just so REAL!
It is good to know there are people like you (all).
If I were the type, I'd say "(friendly) cyberhug!"

~Leslie

[Willow]

((((((((((((Turtle)))))))))))))))
((((((((((((Voyager)))))))))))))

I love you both sooooo much!
I miss you Turtle! Thanks for the affirmation.

[Zacchaeus]

Hi Willow,

I tried to send you a PM but your box is full - hey, that can't be bad! I wanted to say thanks for all your kind words and support in the forum recently. You certainly have a way of making people feel good about themselves. It's a gift... not sure where it comes from... but a gift all the same. A GOOD gift.

Take it easy girl, ok?

Much love,

Zac (Joe)
:)

[Willow]

Zacc

Wow... thanks for the head's up. I didn't realize my box was full. I didn't delete messages as I sent and read them!

I really enjoyed reading your father/son story. My relationship with my dad was lacking in the affection area so I reaped a lot of comfort from your interactions with your son.

Amy

[leesiebella]

Hi Willow!

I was thinking about you today.

I thought to myself, "You know self, you can't go for a walk with Willow because she lives a few states away...".:(

So you know what I did? I took my 3 year old on a walk in your honor. I thought about how the weather was really nice today... getting chilly out...a lot of sunshine....that made me happy! Also, we each enjoyed a lollipop as we walked.

This made me smile. It was good feeling. A free feeling.

Hope your day was better today Willow....

;) leesiebella

[Willow]

Hey cool leesie!
I had a better day. I took 1/4 of my meds. I could tell I was going to need them.
Thanks for the walk! HUGS