Checking in

[Willow]

Hey... I've felt lately like what I say isn't very helpful... or insignificant... or that my character is so marred that no one takes me seriously. I'm not really trying to get anyone to read my posts and respond. I just need an affirmation that I am not invisible and you all don't think I'm the heathen from hell (although I think I am turning into one!). I guess I was a little too transparent a few days ago here and am now reaping the consequences of that. It happens frequently and isn't about anyone here but me. When this happens it shames me into silence for a season. Something inside of me has to be important and respected. I'm not in any position that calls for that since I left church. This is really good for me not to have anyone listen at the drop of a hat and act like I'm something important or some wise person, etc. I need to enjoy the fact that I'm not wise and I'm not important. Invisible should be a good thing. Being a heathern is fun, but I can't be both wise and a fool all at the same time. I wonder which one I really want to be? Foolish or wise? I think I want to be wise, but paying the dues to be wise is costly.

I'm not a guru! I'm not a guru! Repeat 100 times fast. If you do it sounds kinda like some middle eastern name. Mohammed Imnotaguru. There... now I really feel like a blooming idiot! That oughta hold me for awhile.

OK... enough spontaneous noise for now. Time to be quiet again.

Yes... I am a dysfunctional idiot!

Thanks
Amy

[gwen]

Hey... I've felt lately like what I say isn't very helpful... or insignificant... or that my character is so marred that no one takes me seriously. I'm not really trying to get anyone to read my posts and respond. I just need an affirmation that I am not invisible and you all don't think I'm the heathen from hell. I guess I was a little too transparent a few days ago here and am now reaping the consequences of that. It happens frequently and isn't about anyone here but me. When this happens it shames me into silence for a season. Affirmations? Pleezzze?

Thanks
Amy

Oh, Amy! *HUGS*

Please don't feel this way!!! You are NOT insignificant!!! I sometimes feel like you're feeling right now...But PLEASE don't silence your voice! We need each other! You are not invisible or a heathen from hell! I'm sorry that I haven't responded and I ask your forgiveness...

That is the one problem that I see with the forum...we type out our hearts, making ourselves vulnerable, but then we don't know how people are going to respond. Since we can't see each other, the only connectedness that we have is through the posts.

Sometimes I don't respond to people's posts because I don't know what to say...It's not that I don't care. It's just that I don't know how to respond, so I just don't say anything. I guess even a response of "I hear you...I'm praying for you and *hugs*" would be good...at least it lets the other person know that what you have to say is significant because it's where you're at right now. So many times I read posts and I think about where that person is, but I feel that I don't have anything to offer them, so I just don't respond. But I do read all of the posts.

Take care, dear one, and don't give up!!! You are in my prayers!

Love, Gwen

[Willow]

Ya know gwen. I'm probably the worst at not writing to everyone. It makes me think... who am I to feel insecure about that? No one can possibly reply to every post. And... it's not so much about getting replies as it is my own insecurities that are raging today. I wrote another post and it might explain some of this. Hey... thanks for the affirmation! Sometimes it's hard to deal with being honest and the vulnerable feelings that happen afterwards. *bleh* :rolleyes:

[gwen]

Dear Amy,

I understand about all about insecurities! I'm the "Queen of Insecurities"! :o I know exactly where you're at! So we're in this thing together!!! I read your other post and responded to it too.

God bless you,
Take care, :)
Love, Gwen

[Willow]

Thanks HUGS :p

[truth]

It's just not wrong or ever wrong to speak your truth......you are not an idiot!

I have felt like you many times and can relate - I had a career and business for 22-years, then I left to raise my little girl full time at home - I went into the church and refound some of that "significance" I used to attain in my career and then that fizzled out when we left the church....I sort of sat there and scatched my head saying now what? who am I now? where do I count? what do I have to offer anyone? does anyone even care if I'm here or not??

we do count and we do matter and alot of times I believe were in the midst of some shaking and shifting and going into new places when all of this occurs.....so we're not in the old places we knew and could count on but we haven't yet arrived to the new places yet.......the transition zone is tough.....

maybe you're leaving some old places and on the way to the new places and higher levels, so to speak....probably you are , I think anyone on this board is....

I've read many of your posts and replies to people and you always have good things to say and seem like a very intelligent and kind, compassionate person.

truth

[Leslie]

Something inside of me has to be important and respected. I'm not in any position that calls for that since I left church. This is really good for me not to have anyone listen at the drop of a hat and act like I'm something important or some wise person, etc. I need to enjoy the fact that I'm not wise and I'm not important. Invisible should be a good thing. Being a heathern is fun, but I can't be both wise and a fool all at the same time. I wonder which one I really want to be? Foolish or wise? I think I want to be wise, but paying the dues to be wise is costly.
Amy

Willow, doesn't everyone desire significance? That is not foolishness. I don't think you're any different than enyone else in that, though maybe more self-aware than some! I think there's wisdom in that!

Time on here flies and I'm a bit scattered in my replies. I'll have to be more intentional about responding to everyone's input. Sometimes I'm encouraged but haven't taken the time to mention that.

I think that you have been a comfort to a lot of us. I also like your honesty. Honesty keeps this forum from just being informational.

[leesiebella]

Hi Willow...

Just wanted you to know I look forward to reading ALL the posts put here. I found this forum just in time. Really, I was looking for this for a while and was like, "thank you God" I finally found some good, honest people who can relate and offer a good opinion.

Thank you for being here... I'm pretty new and I feel the same way... like people don't know how I intended something to sound, it's up to their interpretation. I am not a writer and consider myself lacking when it comes to wording.

This is the first time I have ever done this....posting/forum thing...It's been good for me, and I realize I have allowed ALL of my feelings out pretty quickly...I guess because I feel the need to be heard also.

We all need to be heard... just want you to know... I AM LISTENING!!! I appreciate hearing others stories, b/c it makes me feel normal. I appreciate all the different opinions as well. I think it good to hear a good spectrum of ideas and thoughts...no matter where that person is at...opinions and feelings matter.

I don't expect you to have all the answers for me... I like the fact that you even care to listen without judging me! :) That means the world to me right now!

You are my new friend, girl.

Nice to meet you Willow... you are a gift!

leesiebella

[Willow]

Thanks again ya'll. I guess I just had a tough day. I don't want any of you to feel bad or like you didn't pay attention to my posts. That just makes it worse. Just realize I had a bad insecurity attack!

Truth... I think you can relate to how I feel. I do have a career... but ministry was my life. My career is a meal ticket and doesn't define who I am. I think this whole journey has been interesting in an odd way. It's like growing up all over again... discovering what I like and don't like. Being a bit naughty sometimes and not feeling guilty about it... etc.

Leesie... do you really live near me? Good to have you as a friend :)

Leslie... thanks for the affirmation HUGS

[Joseph]

Hi Willow,

I agree with all the posts, you have some great friends. I know what you mean, I honestly thought I was going to work in ministry the rest of my life. We all know that didn't work out (so far). Over the summer I was feeling pretty vacant myself realizing that everything I've worked for, everything that I thought was right in the past 18 years, is gone. Now I'm 43 and I feel like "crap, now I have to start all over again"
I've struggled now and again but I'm changing, I am doing what your doing, starting to live a little, It's like I have to retrain myself on how to act and where I fit in, it's all very weird. By the end of the summer I started to regain my momentum, and what Truth said about transition is so true, we have to grow into a place that God has for us, a better place. I have evidence in my life that things are beginning to look up and my negetives are becoming positives. I too always read your posts and enjoy conversation with you, don't be concerned about what you say or how it sounds, we're all on the same page, you sound great.

Joe

[Voyager]

I can tell you sincerely that I miss your replies when you stop posting Willow. You say very wise things quite often without probably even realizing it - because they come from your heart. Sometimes they are silly, but only when you want them to be. I like your humor too.

One thing that's great about this forum is you can be as holy or as heathen as you want to be, and no one will judge you for it.

:cool: