Associate Pastor's Wife Cont.

[leesiebella]

New thread... thought I would start fresh page....:)

Thanks everyone for your words and thoughts.... this has been really good for me to just talk a little.

Here's where we are....

A few families have left. People are getting more and more upset with the things that go on here. Many are coming to us with questions and sort of feeling us out... they don't know if they can trust us (with questioning the Pastor)... understandably so.

My husband is looked up to my many. Respected by many. People trust him. He is sick right now, thinking he's been a part of something so bad. He really, truly wants to do this right.... but what is the right way?

He has a connection with the people that the Pastor doesn't have. He knows what's going on with people, they don't. In fact, they have no real relationships with people. (I think b/c if people really knew them, they would be vulnerable...and that can't happen.)

We will leave, just working out the when and how. Husbands wants to fight to the death. Says, "If I'm gonna go down, I'll go down fighting."

I'm a bit worried about money and how we will live after all this. Friends are encouraging, that we are in God's hands and He will provide. I have to trust in God on so many levels with this. It's not just leaving a church to find a new one.

It's husbands JOB. This is how we live and pay bills and buy groceries and clothes for our kiddos. These are our friends and family. Will husband have to give up what he loves (discipleship) for something so sick and twisted? Will he go from Associate Pastor to the night shift at McDonalds?

We are in the beginning stages of being shunned. I know it will get MUCH worse. Thing is, it's a lot to carry. We are trying to support people in the church thru this, when we ourselves need support. Trying to be strong for others, when we need someone to be strong for us!

Hard.

[Jerry]

A few families have left. People are getting more and more upset with the things that go on here. Many are coming to us with questions and sort of feeling us out... they don't know if they can trust us (with questioning the Pastor)... understandably so.

My husband is looked up to my many. Respected by many. People trust him. He is sick right now, thinking he's been a part of something so bad. He really, truly wants to do this right.... but what is the right way?

Dear leesiebella,,,
The Church you and hubby are leaving is no Church,so there is no ethical questions,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,looks to me like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it's tme to start a new Church :eek: Remember the old saying ?????,,,,,, "If you want something done right,,,,do it yourself "
Love and Prayers for you guys,,,,,,,,Jerry

[Joseph]

I was working full time for 2 years at the church when I left and it hurt, I'm not trying to discourage you because I think your doing the right thing, but you should have an exit strategy because you have a family to support. Planning & finding another job should probably be done before you guys leave, if possible. Don't get discouraged, God will provide. You might consider getting a position outside of ministry for now so you can remove yourself mentally from the abuse, regroup, then apply for a new position at another church.

Joe

[SpinningHead]

Hi Leesiebella,

We were also employed by the church all though not in the same way. Our company was hired by the church (complete w/ contract) for a large project so they were our clients. But they were also supposed to be our bread & butter for over a year. Didn't work out that way... :( We had to terminate our contract & it ended up in a lawyer's office! :eek: Whodathunkit?

Anyway...my advice FWIW...is for you & hubby to sit down (multiple times so as to not get overwhelmed) and

#1 sitting) make a list of what short & long term obligations you have in the church at this time. (have chocolate on hand)
#2 sitting) go back to that list and start strategizing reasonable ways for you both to clear off your church plate from obligations either by fullfilling short term obligations or passing the torch. (a nice cheese/fruit tray works nicely for this one...we also had a glass of wine but herbal tea can work too)
#3 sitting) get your game plan on regarding how you'll both be saying "no" to any additional long term responsibilities and most short term ones. (this just calls for brownies)
#4 sitting) strategize how you can either pass on any long term torches to people who'd love the chance at a particular ministry or come to terms that certain ministries need to fade into the background (herbal tea, butter cookies & tissues compliment this one)
#5 sitting) w/out letting on to anyone what you're doing...start removing yourself from these situations while at the same time (or even sooner) begin updating hubby's resume and sending it out if possible. I would not even let your closest friends in on #5 (or any of them really) b/c they'll always see this as some kind of betrayal...but do talk opening about what's going on and your dissapproval. This way when the opportunity comes that you can leave, people will know why.
#6) Hubby and you need to start cleaning out the office (slowly!) of any personal items and clear the computer of any sensitive files...make it so nothing yours of value is in that church building. Start e-mailing any files to a pc at home...slowly get thee out of there and get thee to safety!

Feel free to adjust #1-#5 as needed and add whatever steps you find necessary. IF for some reason, hubby gets called out on the mat...you've already started some sort of game plan to transition yourself out of there and the blow won't seem so "final" when it comes.

Also...double check w/ your state's laws about recieving unemployment benefits. Have that info now in hand so when the ax comes down (most likely they'll not be expecting you to file!) it doesn't have to cut so deep. You may have to fight for your unemployment benefits so know what you need to do in order to win...such as record conversations, have copies of written evidence and do have hubby get a copy of any personal records Pastor has on hand! HUGE to know what Pastor could submit to not only unemployment but also to another job. VERY IMPORTANT is that IF there is any slanderous/harmful info in that personal file, hubby MUST counteract the negative info in writing and if necessary have a lawyer's letter accompany that...but don't think about that until you know what's in there.

You and Hubby need to start thinking about this in terms of business and not let your emotions/hurts dig you into a deeper place of hurt. You need to protect yourselves and your children. You can deal w/ all the emotions/hurts at a later time (I know I am) but you have got to deal with the reality that this is indeed happening and it is indeed threatening your lifestyle.

It is hard! But you are gonna have to buck up and face it to get through it. Know your safe places (like this forum) for recharging and venting.

And you can do all this stuff but it means squat w/out God so I know I'm preaching to the choir when I say PRAY! PRAY! PRAY!...and listen! listen! listen!

That's my advice and I'm someone who went through it and survived. I'm dealing w/ the emotional stuff now but I'm in a much safer place to deal with that as I need to. During the struggle, I was a fiesty little Italian princess! :cool: That's not to say we didn't leave w/ our fair share of bruises either...Romans 12 has been a big help in letting a lot of stuff go.

Good Luck and do stay here and keep us posted. K?

[gwen]

Dear leesiebella,

You are in my prayers about your situation. I also told a few close friends about you last night and we prayed together for you. As I mentioned on your other thread, I was thinking yesterday about what you're going through and I realize that your situation is not just walking away from a church, but also employment.

First of all, God will take care of you! Right now it's scary because you don't see the "how", but His word promises that He will provide. He takes care of the birds and the lilies of the field and you're more valuable to Him than they are! God will open up doors for you and place you exactly where He wants you. I know it not just because the scriptures say it, but also because I've experienced it. And I don't believe that your husband's and your ministry is over...even if your husband has to take another type of job for awhile. The Lord will direct your steps.

The recovery process has not been easy for us, but through every step I've sensed the Lord's presence. The Lord has even blessed us in many tangible ways. I just want to encourage you to know that people are praying for you.

God bless you ((((((Leesiebella)))))
Gwen

[gwen]

WOW! SpinningHead gave you some real practical thoughts too!!!

[leesiebella]

Excellent advice from everyone....

The strategy is what we're working on. Husband wants to stay thru January... to fulfill commentments to youth, missionaries and a few other small things.

He has already removed all his files from the computers. Slowly, secretly making necessary adjustments.

Honestly, after some situations this past Sunday... I don't every want to go back.

I need to work, I guess, on my heart.

I want to cuss them. I want them to pay and rot for the abuse. I want bad things to happen to them. I am just working thru all of the ANGER!:mad:

It's really hard feeling all these feelings and emotions and feeling like it's not a "sin". Is it bad to pray that someone gets in a car accident? ha ha ha I'm sure you think I'm really sick now!

No, I don't pray for their harm. That's not God... I know... my justice oriented self is raging right now.

I know God can handle my feelings... and even the words I might say to myself or husband... I'm not that powerful...

I just wish there was a handbook for this... like okay...

Instructions for Leaving a Legalistic, Authoritarian, Fundamental, Bible Based Borderline Cult

!!!CAUTION!!!
RISK OF LOSING YOUR MINISTRY, REPUTATION, FAMILY, FRIENDS AND FAITH

CAUTION: TO REDUCE THE RISK OF SUCH LOSS, DO NOT OPEN THIS CAN OF WORMS!

IMPORTANT SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS:

1. SAVE THESE INSTRUCTIONS FOR LATER USE.

2. BE AWARE THAT YOU ARE THE MINORITY. FEW, IF ANY, WILL AGREE WITH YOU.

3. YOU WILL SUFFER PAIN, HURT AND EXTREME EMOTIONS.

4. YOUR LIFE MAY BE CONSUMED WITH LEAVING, SO BE SURE TO NOT HAVE ANY OTHER OBLIGATIONS OR REQUIREMENTS IN WHICH YOU ARE REQUIRED TO BE HEALTHY.

5. YOUR FRIENDS WILL QUESTION YOUR MOTIVES AND EVEN YOUR SALVATION. THEY WILL TRY TO SHOW YOU "THE THRUTH" AND WHY YOU ARE WRONG USING THE BIBLE AS A MAGICAL ANSWER BOOK FOR ALL OF YOUR "CRITICISMS".

6. YOUR FAMILY WILL BE ANGRY WITH YOU FOR ACCUSING THE LEADERS OF SUCH TERRIBLE ACTS AND WILL TELL YOU TO KEEP QUITE AND DO NOT ASSOCIATE THEM WITH YOUR "PROBLEMS".

7. YOU MUST ALWAYS CONFRONT ISSUES ALONE, WITHOUT THE HELP OF OTHERS.

8. YOU MUST ALWAYS BE "ABOVE REPROACH" WITHOUT A HINT OF ARROGANCE, PRIDE, OR ANGER. UTMOST HUMILITY IS A MUST, OR YOU WILL BE DISQUALIFIED.

9. YOU MUST BE STRONG, SPIRITUALLY AND EMOTIONALLY, EVEN IN THE MIDST OF BEING ABUSED. YOU CANNOT MAKE A MISTAKE...IT WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU BY SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

10. WHILE CONFRONTING THE ABUSERS WHO ARE COMPLETE MISREPRESENTATIONS OF THE TRUE GOD, WHO TRUST IN A FALSE SYSTEM OF BELIEFS AND A MAN MADE RELIGION, WHO HAVE CAUSED HURT AND PAIN TO COUNTLESS NUMBERS OF PEOPLE, WHO ARE COMPLETELY UNACCOUNTABLE, WHO CAN SAY AND DO WHATEVER THEY PLEASE IN THE NAME OF JESUS; YOU MUST BE GENTLE, HUMBLE, GRACIOUS, FORGIVING, LONG SUFFERING, PEACEFUL AND AT REST.

BECAUSE, AFTER ALL, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

[SpinningHead]

ya know Leesiebella...we could all co-author that book and then we'd all be rich enough to start out own church! ;)

When you say, "No, I don't pray for their harm. That's not God... I know... my justice oriented self is raging right now." Oh! Darlin' do I hear you! Romans 12 has been a big help to me in keeping my focus in check but I've especially meditated on v: 19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[d]says the Lord.

Everytime I feel I want whats coming to them to hurry up and get here and I remember this verse and say to myself, "Leave room for God's wrath...Leave room for God's wrath" and then I end up (ok, sometimes, not all the time) feeling sad for them for doing what the're doing and knowing how God is a just God. I believe He will bring about a) restoration b) revenge and c) He just gonna down right get' em'! :D

Hope it helps and you're not alone...who do you think would publish our book? ;)

[gwen]

YES! Leesiebella! YES! :D :D :D

[Jerry]

I want to cuss them. I want them to pay and rot for the abuse. I want bad things to happen to them. I am just working thru all of the ANGER!:mad:

It's really hard feeling all these feelings and emotions and feeling like it's not a "sin". Is it bad to pray that someone gets in a car accident? ha ha ha I'm sure you think I'm really sick now!

Dear leesiebella,,,,
No sweetie,,,,your not sick :D ,,,,,,,your human,,,,,,,and after all is said and done,isn't that what we must be ???? Is it not right and fitting to bloom where we are planted,,,,,,in the flesh ;) How else would we learn the terms of our existance ??? Of course these people have wounded you,I sence your hurt and weep with you,,,,,where is the justice in that???.....There is none,,,,,but we were never promised justice,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it was promised that you would survive,,,,,,and you will ;)
Love Jerry