So what about the people we love?

[baldguy]

Ok so our eyes are open to the abuse and we just can't take much more. But what about the ones we love? I'm the associate pastor and I don't know how much longer I can stay without violating my own integrity. I'm concerned and don't want my leaving to cause more pain to a group of already hurting but perhaps oblivious people. Any advice?????

[Jerry]

Ok so our eyes are open to the abuse and we just can't take much more. But what about the ones we love? I'm the associate pastor and I don't know how much longer I can stay without violating my own integrity. I'm concerned and don't want my leaving to cause more pain to a group of already hurting but perhaps oblivious people. Any advice?????
I think it's about trusting God.If you can no longer Shepherd this flock without violating your own integrity that is hurting you.If it is hurting you,it sure isn't helping them ;)
Love Jerry

[Janice]

Ok so our eyes are open to the abuse and we just can't take much more. But what about the ones we love? I'm the associate pastor and I don't know how much longer I can stay without violating my own integrity. I'm concerned and don't want my leaving to cause more pain to a group of already hurting but perhaps oblivious people. Any advice?????

Welcome to the forum bald guy.

I wish I had an answer for you. I'm tormenting over the ones I love right now. I'm scared to death if hubby & leave that it will be the end of our friendships. (mainly the one between our associate pastor & us).

Anytime anyone has left the church it seems that friendshps have ended. :confused:

[jane]

Baldguy-

welcome to the group.


I think that when I read another person leave who was trusted by the people, people followed. Check Intheory's posts...

anyway, Jerry (as usual) makes absolute sense. If you are compromised by staying, you are not helping anyone.

We left and have lost all of our relationships. While that pain was incredible- there is so much more freedom that I have in where I am now. I have so much more peace.

I pray for those left behind and try not to be their savior.

The more I tell them it is unhealthy, the more decieved I appear to be.

So, I (and I hate using lines) Let Go and Let God.

It's God's sheep that are in there- not mine.

I can only pray.

welcome to our group,

jane

[gwen]

My husband and I were very involved in the ministry at our former "church". The reason that we stayed as long as we did (10 years) was because of the people...the youth in particular...I was the high school teacher at the church-school and I was VERY attached to these young people! I stayed for their sake...but then I read something the night that I made the decision to leave that helped me in my decision and basically it was this, "Do I want to stay and support something that is wrong? By my participation, then what I'm saying through that is that I support what is going on." I could not support what was happening...I was being asked to compromise my integrity for the sake of "submission" to leadership...I just couldn't do it any longer, the veil was being drawn back from my eyes and I didn't want to be a part any longer.

Yes, we lost all of our relationships at the "church" that day. We were heartbroken over that, but there is a giant wall between us and our fellow "church members" and that is our former "pastor". As long as they are under his influence, they see us as the "enemy". I feel that all of the good that I did for the young people is now gone. We are considered "hypocrites" because we left "wrongfully"...which, BTW, there is no "right" way to leave this "church"...their stance is if you leave, you've backslidden...no if's, and's, or but's about it...you've backslidden! They believe that we are "not right" with God now. Yes, it hurts...it hurt me especially to see my then 17-year-old son have to give up all of his friends that he had grown up with and see his hurt.

It's a very difficult place where you're at right now, I understand. We've been there and know what you're going through. I'll be praying for you...

Gwen

[gwen]

I'm concerned and don't want my leaving to cause more pain to a group of already hurting but perhaps oblivious people. Any advice?????

Another thing I wanted to add...your leaving will hurt, but there's nothing that you can really do about that...unless you want to continue to put up with the abuse. But remember this, they also have a choice...they don't have to stay. I had to come to the realization that my staying really wasn't helping the situation. One thing is, we are here for anyone who would choose to leave. There has been one young lady who left a few months after we did (her mother and younger brothers are still in the "church"), and when we found out that she had left, we've been there to help her with her pain and grief. We continue to pray for these people and hope that one day their eyes will be opened to the truth of the situation. That's about all you really can do.

[Leslie]

It sounds like you have a real heart for people and are passionate about their welfare. It sounds like you want to do good from within.

I hate to think this, but it seems like unless there can be reform in that church, unless the head pastor is open to rebuke and restoration, then efforts to minister from within are like "good money after bad". I'm thinking that if the system is very abusive and doesn't allow for church discipline on a sinning pastor, then it is not a true church.

It sounds like you don't want to make waves; you have a keen conscience. That you are conflicted suggests that your motives can't be attacked. Only you can discern what is best for those you are called to protect, foremost your family, and for yourself. This is complicated because of your responsibility as the breadwinner. Hmmm.

I'm wondering if your ministry there is like pepetual damage control. Minimizing the damage this man does.

If he is not open to repenting then he shouldn't be in his position, and bringing it to light in a humble, honest way might be the best course of action.

Of course, I might misunderstand the situation.

Really sorry for your situation,
Leslie

[baldguy]

Thanks Guys,

I finally feal like someone hears me and isn't suspect that I've drank blood to the devil. ;) I posted a new thread with a bit of my story. I would love to hear your thoughts. I can tell you guys know "The Healer".

Blessings

[gwen]

Yes, we hear you! And seeing that these issues are really bothering you, shows me that not only have you NOT "drank blood to the devil" :) , but sounds to me like you're pretty much "in tune" with the Holy Spirit!

Blessings to you!

[SpinningHead]

Ok so our eyes are open to the abuse and we just can't take much more. But what about the ones we love? I'm the associate pastor and I don't know how much longer I can stay without violating my own integrity. I'm concerned and don't want my leaving to cause more pain to a group of already hurting but perhaps oblivious people. Any advice?????


Hello Baldguy...

we felt the same way about our friends and people we loved... I read in one of the SA (spiritual abuse) books that you cannot convince people of what they are not ready to handle.

Hubby & I left our church this past Sept. We wanted to scream from the rafters what was happening and the manipulation/hiding of finances. Those we have spoken to (who've asked questions and have seen with their own eyes what was done to us! ) often end the conversation with this decision-to-be-blind statement, "Well, we just give our money and we trust leadership to do what's right" or my favorite, "I just go to worship God and don't get involved in all that political stuff". :eek:

Love them, speak your truth...tell what happened to you or point out what you've witnessed. When something is not right...say so. People have to make up their own minds about what they'll accept and they have to take responsibility for their own reactions/responses/decisions.

Put your own oxygen mask on before you help someone else with theirs.

[SpinningHead]

Thanks Guys,

I finally feal like someone hears me and isn't suspect that I've drank blood to the devil. ;) .


Ummm....Eeeeeew! ;)

[Joseph]

Hello,

I know how you feel as well as the others on this forum do. I have respect for you Pastor, that you are following God not man, and that you take your position seriously and care about the people you shepard. Gwen made some good points, unfortunately your Pastor is going to sense what you feel in the coming weeks and he's probably going to work against you, makiing it even more difficult to stay. Let me tell you about a friend that helped me through my crises, he was a friend of a freind, an associate Pastor just like yourself. He held his postion for I think around 15 years in New England. He saw alot of stuff over the years and it really upset him when there were attacks launched on the worship leader (from the Pastor), and he stood up for his friend and the result was similar to yours, rebuke, How dare you question me, you need to submit, and so on. It started becoming clear to him as he looked back, when other abuses that he was tolerant of, had taken place. He had the same concerns that you do now, what about the people? I can tell you this, he didn't allow the Pastor and his wife to gracefully exit him from the church in front of the congregation so they started smearing him, they started ugly rumors and leaked them to the congregation. It caused alot of trouble for him, they even alledged that he proposed an affair with a woman in a prayer meeting. Well, for the most part, he had it pretty rough for awhile, he addressed things on an individual level with the congregation and cleared up alot of it. He is doing well now, attending a church, and very strong and focused because of what he and his family went through (even the kids were attacked), and he was was the person that God had sent to me that got me through because I had no idea what to do or how to react. I have a fight mentallity, and he always told me "it's okay to stay and fight, but don't stay too long and your spirit gets damaged" and then he told me he stayed too long.
It's very hard, in my situation, only one person that still attends that church is my friend. Even the associate pastor of the church, who I've known for 18 years and was my brother in law, has never spoken to me again in obedience to the Pastor.
Every situation is a little different, but it seems that the players are pretty much the same. You've recognized the problem, your way ahead of alot of people already, God has exposed this to you for a reason and prayer and fasting He will lead you through.
On a parting note, I am definately glad to be where I am now, I have an intense relationship with the Lord that I never had and my Faith abounds. I don't let man guide me, I look to Gods word and talk to him about it.

Just be sure you do it Gods way when you leave,
Joe