update from the "Saga"

[mstar]

Hubby has been home this week, giving us some very needed time together.

Last night was "church night" and our day had been a "bit rocky". At one point, he made the comment that because of me, he would resign from the church and not go back.

I said in response, "Don't leave the church because of me, leave when you see that the system there hurts people, does damage to the Body of Christ, and you do not want to be a part of a harmful system."

He didn't say anything. Later he came upstairs where I was working. He said we had had a rough day and he was staying home. Otherwise, needs at home were becoming more important than "church duty".

We went out to dinner and had a time of growth in our relationship.

so progress. . .taking it daily.

[Willow]

this is good news mstar. Is hubby willing to listen to your perspectives yet?

[mstar]

"Is hubby willing to listen to your perspectives yet"

He knows my feelings, if that is what you mean. He knew that both my daughter and I had been hurt. What was hurtful was he knew but his position was more important. I can't change a heart only God can. So I wait and pray. Apparently there is the fruit of a "heart change". Just have to see.

[Janice]

Glad you're night was good. I swear we're marrid to the same man! Evrn tho my night was not as good as yours.
Pastor called once yesterday then came over last ngiht. *sigh*
I wish he'd just come right out and say what's on his mind instead of beating around the bush!

[mstar]

Glad you're night was good. I swear we're marrid to the same man! Evrn tho my night was not as good as yours.
Pastor called once yesterday then came over last ngiht. *sigh*
I wish he'd just come right out and say what's on his mind instead of beating around the bush!

I think these "problems" are very common, just not "polite conversation" at the church socials. God help us all.

Will be in prayer for you. Thank you for your response and concern. Hubby and I have had some good times this past week, but the day after tommorrow is Sunday, so I guess we will take it as it comes. I don't think this is what the good Lord had in mind for that day of rest.

Blessings!

[Janice]

I think these "problems" are very common, just not "polite conversation" at the church socials. God help us all.

Will be in prayer for you. Thank you for your response and concern. Hubby and I have had some good times this past week, but the day after tommorrow is Sunday, so I guess we will take it as it comes. I don't think this is what the good Lord had in mind for that day of rest.

Blessings!

I'm sure it WAS NOT what God had in mind for Sundays. I DREAD them every week!!!

Pastor made sure he has a "speacial speaker" coming in Sun. morning. (Just happens to be someone hubby loves to hear!) So..I'm sure hubby will go and I will probably stay home. AGAIN!

This not going somewhere is not good for me and I know it. Yes, I pray and I worship at home but there's something about corporate worship. I really miss it!

I've tried over & over again with this church and I ALWAYS end up (when I go) feeling worse then I did when I walked in the doors. I'm sure this is not the way God wanted it to be either.

[Jerry]

Otherwise, needs at home were becoming more important than "church duty".

Just an interesting observation,,,,
Actually Church duty is more important. However; A nonabusive properly structured Church ,as an institution, is acutely aware of it's obligation to serve and strengthin and permote the family unit,there by allowing this paradox to function and bring peace to its members.
Love Jerry

[mstar]

"I've tried over & over again with this church and I ALWAYS end up (when I go) feeling worse then I did when I walked in the doors. I'm sure this is not the way God wanted it to be either."

Hey Janice,

I have the same problem and it takes me about a week to throw off the condemnation. I have just had it and am not going back.

Hubby suggested I go with my daughter to her church. The church she goes to is our former church, and not full of condemantion. It is not set up very well for fellowship and the caring of the members due to its size, but the messages are balanced and you are actually given some principles that help you. I prob. will start to go over there.

So I guess we are "giving each other room", which I guess is not bad. I am taken care of while he works through what the Lord is saying for his life. At least he is not forcing me to go somewhere where I am unhappy and feel abused. Don't know if this is going to go over with pastor and crew. I guess it depend on how bad they need hubby. God help us.

Will be in prayer for your Sunday. Appreciate your prayers. Blessings.

[mstar]

Just an interesting observation,,,,
Actually Church duty is more important. However; A nonabusive properly structured Church ,as an institution, is acutely aware of it's obligation to serve and strengthin and permote the family unit,there by allowing this paradox to function and bring peace to its members.
Love Jerry



Yes you are right.

This problem would not be happening if the church would follow the "guidlines" that the home should be in order placing someone in "position" .

Unfortunately, when a church's goal is to "devour" (use) those they should be serving, things tend to get away from Biblical "guidlines". Sad.

Bless you!

[Janice]

Hey Janice,

I have the same problem and it takes me about a week to throw off the condemnation.
Yep...and then it's Sunday again!!

I have just had it and am not going back.

I've been back 4 times since July 1.

Hubby suggested I go with my daughter to her church. The church she goes to is our former church, and not full of condemantion. It is not set up very well for fellowship and the caring of the members due to its size, but the messages are balanced and you are actually given some principles that help you. I prob. will start to go over there.

At least ur hubby suggested it. Mine feels we both need to go to the same church. I tend to agree. If I went to a service without him I would feel like half of me was missing and probably wouldn't get anything out of the service anyway because I'd be thinking about him.

So I guess we are "giving each other room", which I guess is not bad. I am taken care of while he works through what the Lord is saying for his life. At least he is not forcing me to go somewhere where I am unhappy and feel abused. Don't know if this is going to go over with pastor and crew. I guess it depend on how bad they need hubby. God help us.

Hubby's not forcing me when I go. He is slowly understanding more & more. For so long, in the cult we used to belong to, we had drilled into our heads that if we did anything but what our "leader" told us to do we were not in God's will and were going to hell. Interesting how this "leader" was thrown out of the church we are going to now many years ago. So..where did she get her learning experience??? Hmmmm.

Last night we were with a couple who has left our church. The man had been on the board with my hubby for the the last 6 yrs. He made us feel better and kept bringing up the word, "choice". He said, "Yes, God wants us to be in His Will. God also gave us the ability to make choices. What does God really want from us? To love and worship Him and to be HAPPY doing it. If we "choose" to go somewhere else and we grow in the Lord, how can that possibly be a bad thing and how can we be "out of His Will"? Good point , I thought.

Will be in prayer for your Sunday. Appreciate your prayers. Blessings.[/QUOTE]

[Joseph]

Hi everyone,

Jerry is right in what he said, it's a terribly hard thing to go through with a spouse but the church is probably out of balance. I went through it too. MStar is exactly correct that people shouldn't be in a position if there home isn't in order, been part of that too. When I was in with the leadership, I saw the other side where they would exhaust someones gift and bring division in families just to further the Pastors vision.
It's not Christianity, I traveled 180 miles round trip for five years to go to church, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week, I loved the ministry I was helping build. When I started to question things they turned ther backs on me as if I didn't exist and looked for someone to replace me. I didn't do anything wrong, I pointed out things to the leaders and tried to affect some change, they just got offended. Now, because my ex-brother-in law is still the assoc. pastor of the church (my daughters uncle and aunt) they still try to impress my daughter and try to bring division between us, that will be all out war, their attitude is putting their needs above everyones well being and is arrogant.
Be careful,
Joe

[mstar]

Hey Janice,

Hope you are making your day ok. It seems you are getting some support and that is good. Your hubby seems to care and apparently you care for him, another blessing. Will continue to pray for you.

"If I went to a service without him I would feel like half of me was missing and probably wouldn't get anything out of."

For me it is not so bad as that "half of my marriage" is on stage most of the service, then at the church at least an a couple of hours before each service to prepare, and then about an hour afterwards to talk to his buddies about how it went. Otherwise we don't go together nor do we leave together and only sit together for about 20 min during the "sevice????". . .maybe. So that part of this deal is not so hard, I guess. I am afraid we are getting into a "lets talk about everything but this" pattern, and it "feels" wrong and uncomfortable. Maybe it is just me.


I am struggling with the uneasiness of what "control/condemnation" trip may come next from the pastor, who pretty much "rules". It is sick.

I am starting to "numb" up and I don't like that.

Apreciate your prayers and cont. to pray for you.

[mstar]

"I saw the other side where they would exhaust someones gift and bring division in families just to further the Pastors vision."


"their attitude is putting their needs above everyones well being and is arrogant."

Hi Joseph,

Sounds like the same church. I guess the devil doesn't have to think up anything too new, as this pattern works so well. That is what Saten does, steals and exhaust the gifts that the Lord gives to His childern to honor and serve Him with.

So sorry you went through what you did. Know the Lord will restore and bless all that you gave to Him, that was misused by this chruch.

Bless you.

[Joseph]

Hi MStar,

It really is something, no matter where I hear about abuse, it's all the same stuff just at different levels. I was wondering, your ID says your from Texas, it would seem to me that it might be a little harder being independent down there, there's alot of big ministries around you, is there alot of pressure? I'm from New York, up here they call us the frozen chosen, not as much of a Christian population as the rest of the country.

Joe

[baldguy]

OK... Just gotta say this whole thing of going to church together or not is such a trap. The abusive leaders and the spirit behind them want to you to feel that somehow your marriage is flawed if you don't agree on everything. Truth be known the husbands that continue to go are probably beeing manipulated by the pastor because of his wife's absense.

That's my story..... I've been called on the carpet several times and told how uncommited my wife is. How God has a call on my life but my wife is slowing me down. It's all hog wash. I bought in for awhile. I was afraid that my wifes questions would reflect badly on my calling. (Pigish I know) But it all comes form the abuse. You get convinced that you have to be perfect for God to use you, which is what we all want, especially those who feel "Called into the ministry. My wife saw this before I did and we went round and round. She kept praying and speaking truth and finally I got it. Ladies please don't ever feel like you are "bringing your husband down". God want's them out of there too. It is very hard to be conflicted like that but rest in this fact. You are one. If God has opened your eyes, keep praying his will open soon.

Blessings on you --

[Janice]

I am starting to "numb" up and I don't like that.

Apreciate your prayers and cont. to pray for you.[/QUOTE]


I understand totally! Seems I'm constantly "numb". LOL...I even wrote a poem called "Numbland" a couple years ago. ;)

[InTheory]

OK... Just gotta say this whole thing of going to church together or not is such a trap. The abusive leaders and the spirit behind them want to you to feel that somehow your marriage is flawed if you don't agree on everything. Truth be known the husbands that continue to go are probably beeing manipulated by the pastor because of his wife's absense.

That's my story..... I've been called on the carpet several times and told how uncommited my wife is. How God has a call on my life but my wife is slowing me down. It's all hog wash. I bought in for awhile. I was afraid that my wifes questions would reflect badly on my calling. (Pigish I know) But it all comes form the abuse. You get convinced that you have to be perfect for God to use you, which is what we all want, especially those who feel "Called into the ministry. My wife saw this before I did and we went round and round. She kept praying and speaking truth and finally I got it. Ladies please don't ever feel like you are "bringing your husband down". God want's them out of there too. It is very hard to be conflicted like that but rest in this fact. You are one. If God has opened your eyes, keep praying his will open soon.

Blessings on you --

Great post, baldguy-I really related to it. I let someone come between my wife and I for years because of "ministry" (and the fact that my beloved was more discerning than I). I still kick myself today that I wasn't more sensitive.

I am thankful that I still have the love and parternship of my wife, though (thank God for that!). That is all the fellowship in the world that I need. :)

-Dan

[truth]

thank you baldguy, really appreciated your post, too....

[mstar]

Thanks for the good words. Appreciate your sharing Baldguy. I agree with you all.

Was so down for about two days after the "Sunday" I had a hard time doing anything.
Finally rcd. the strengthn from the Lord to "move on" without walking so wounded. Ihe Lord has worked it out so hubby has been home for two weeks, so we are bonding much better. We were having such a good time last night that he didn't go to church. I looks like he will be working in Calif. near where my daughter goes to school the week around when we going out to see her for Thanksgiving. It seems like the Lord may be slowly moving him on. . .we will see.

Again thanks for prayers and good words. Will cont. to keep you all in prayer.

[mstar]

Hi MStar,

It really is something, no matter where I hear about abuse, it's all the same stuff just at different levels. I was wondering, your ID says your from Texas, it would seem to me that it might be a little harder being independent down there, there's alot of big ministries around you, is there alot of pressure? I'm from New York, up here they call us the frozen chosen, not as much of a Christian population as the rest of the country.

Joe

Yes, there is pressure and very difficult to hide on a back pew. We really need to leave this area, as a new start for us here would be very difficult. Apreciate your prayers.