This is driving me nuts!

[Janice]

Pastor has called more times in the last 2 weeks then he has called in the last 6 months!

He called again last night. His wife is out of town and he wanted us to join him for dinner. ( which is what he wanted the night before when I was painting and my friend answered the phone...see thread "couldn't happen to a nice guy) Again...I gave in and did what hubby wanted and we went and I was very cordial.

He's not such a bad guy as a person but I disagree with so many of his teachings. He brings his own opinions into his sermons and they just rub me the wrong way.

I suggested to hubby yesterday morning that we need to decide what we're doing on Sunday on Saturday night so I'm not running around like a crazy woman on Sunday morning.

Well...after dinner I asked him,"where do you want to go to chuch tomorrow?" and he said he wasn't sure yet. ( Knowing hubby, I already knew his answer.)

When we were at dinner Pastor mentioned that his dad would be preaching in the morning and he would be preaching tomorrow night.

So I told hubby, "I know exactly what you want to do. You don't want to go anywhere in the morning and you want to go tomorrow night cause Pastor W. is preaching." Instead of saying, "you're right", he said, "well...I think I'd like to relax in the morning and just go to our church tomorrow night." I told him, "I just said that!" He still considers F/A "OUR" church.

I don't know what to call it. My church? My old church? My sometimes church?

Anyway, I don't want to go! I feel like Pastor is really chasing after him to stay.

It's such a shame that Pastor didn't go to such lengths when the other half of the congregation was leaving! Why is he so affraid of hubby leaving???
Maybe cause they've been friends since high school.

Pastor really does not understand "unconditional friendship". Hubby & I feel that we could go to another church and still be friends with Pastor and his wife but they won't see it that way. If we leave, we will be considered the enemy.

I'm scared. I'm scared hubby will leave me for the church and I am afraid that is exactly what they want! Hubby says my feelings are stupid! (wow..now THAT really made me feel better!)

*sigh* Guess I just won't go anywhere today!

[Billie]

Dear Janice,
Your eyes have been opened and you see the truth, I will pray that your hubby sees the truth as well. So many of these SA are the same at these places that I am reading here in this form such as not friends once you leave. Big D (pastor) didn't like the song Friends are friends forever if the Lord's the Lord of them. Isn't that odd :confused: Enjoy your morning at home with Jesus. Love Billie

[jane]

janice,

I can't help but wonder- is your husband a faithful giver???

When there was a stream of people leaving our church, we got visits too.

Our Pastor never cared before. Our first meeting with them to tell them that we were leaving, the deacon (highschool friend of my husbands) opened the meeting with "they are in good standing".

:confused:

We later learned that it meant we were faithful tithers and contributers.... after years of being told that our pastor doesn't want to know who is or who isn't. He wants to make decisions based on the spirit and not the dollars....

we left following a stream of people who were "in good standing" and who contributed a lot of time to the ministry.

Childhood friendship is a hard bond to break. It is what kept us past the normal point at our old church too.

That and the reality that if we had to face the facts that we were not following God all those years- then our work was in vain, burnt in the fire, and the sacrifice was for nothing but personal torment.

It is a hard reality to come to grips with.

jane

[Kerrin]

((((((((Janice))))))))
Hubby KNOWS exactly where he should be!
You are one strong woman, you know that..............let him hear you roar!!!!! :D
If they are "real" friends, the obvious will follow..........they'll still be your friends!
And I think , personally, Gary loves you more than THEM!!!! ;)
I'm praying for you my New "Joisey" sis,
love
Kerrin ;)
can we catch up soon?
thanks for being there for me the other night, really!!!!!!!!!!!!! :o

(oops, a bit tipsy tonight, but had a good one!!! ;) :p )
Should I tell???

[Carmen]

The same thought occured to me that occured to Jane. If your husband was a generous giver, that may be one good reason for a church to try to hold on to him.

"I'm scared hubby will leave me for the church and I am afraid that is exactly what they want! Hubby says my feelings are stupid! (wow..now THAT really made me feel better!)"

That was a funny way to say it, but it seems he is on your side. Maybe you should just spend the time together and "bond" for a bit and try to get that "we, us" feeling back between the two of you if it seems to be lacking. I think that it may strengthen your marriage against ouside influences, including that pastor.

[Jerry]

:mad: ,,,,,,,,,,,,another thread about S/A Pastors driving wedges in marriages :mad: :mad: :mad: I believe that the Thousand year "Reign of Christ" will be a time of teaching and disipline as it is not in Gods heart to send anyone redeemable to perdition.I just hope and have asked God that all these "Pasturds" be placed in my class that I might fairly and justly administer the "Rod of Correction" :D
Love Jerry

[Janice]

so.....exactly as I suspected..here I am..alone..and him at church. :mad:

I've decided when pastor calls & wants to do the "dinner thing" again I will just say I don't feel like it.

Last night was the perfect opportunity for him to "psyc" hubby up for the service. Oh well..he would have just called on the phone anyway.

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

[SpinningHead]

so.....exactly as I suspected..here I am..alone..and him at church. :mad:

I've decided when pastor calls & wants to do the "dinner thing" again I will just say I don't feel like it.



Oh, Janice...I'm so sorry.

Have you asked your hubby straight out if he's really willing to loose you, your home together and life together for this man & his church? Is he aware that he's leaving you alone? Does he get that he is disregarding your feelings and he's (whether or not he realizes it) letting you know where you stand in order of things? Is this the kind of husband he wants to be?? Is this really his conscious choice? & does he get that he's making this choice unconsciously??

One more questions...is real marriage counseling by a licensed therapist out of the question? (and I'm not talking these pastors who "think" they can counsel but don't know the first thing about it!)

Ok...you don't have to answer anything...those are the questions that just popped in my head. I'll be thinking of you as I make dinner...

I'm so sorry for you! :o

[butterfly]

:) [[[[Janice]]]] I feel real sad for you. You are in my prayers. butterfly [Shirley]

[Janice]

Have you asked your hubby straight out if he's really willing to loose you, your home together and life together for this man & his church? Is he aware that he's leaving you alone? Does he get that he is disregarding your feelings and he's (whether or not he realizes it) letting you know where you stand in order of things? Is this the kind of husband he wants to be?? Is this really his conscious choice? & does he get that he's making this choice unconsciously??

He's aware of all this and he is in as much turmoil as me. This is the churhc he was saved in and the friends he grew up with.
He is torn between me and the church and I understand and feel HIS turmoil as well as my own.
I prayed shortly after I wrote this thread. Usually he's not home from church till 9 or later and he called me at 7:55 and said he was on his way home, that it was a very short service. God IS in control. I just have to kepp remembering that.

One more questions...is real marriage counseling by a licensed therapist out of the question? (and I'm not talking these pastors who "think" they can counsel but don't know the first thing about it!)

We will be married for 23 yrs. in December. We have been through much worse than this. We will get through this too. I'm praying God does somethiign soon though! Not sure how much more I can take. Thanks all for the responses and prayers.

[Janice]

[[[[Janice]]]] I feel real sad for you. You are in my prayers. butterfly [Shirley]

Thanks Shirley. Good to see you still posting.

[mstar]

I think we are in the same boat here.

Getting that "sinking" feeling", even through hubby was tired and Pastor was not in church yesterday, this situation is not going to be addressed in a healthy manner, otherwise, " shoved under the table" until the pressure gets so bad something "blows up".

So far, no dialogue on my abuse and neglect and the "church, instead of me, having problems", just,
"I sure did enjoy playing yesterday at church."

He told those who asked about me and my health, that I was still hurting, but better. . .otherwise that was why I was not at church. I asked him if he told them I was not coming back and he just looked at me, said nothing. Know he is still tired, so trying to "give room", but getting a bad feeling.

Soooooo, have spent more time in "Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" and that "Families/Grace" book Jeff V. wrote to try to stay in some sort of "Godly frame of mind".

Maybe I ought to go show hubby the latest church "fund raising" letter we recd today. . ."pocket book" manipulations really "bug" him and this one is trip.

Will keep you in prayer as you struggle, Janice. Wow! The abundant life!

[Autumn]

((Hi Janice))~
I left church first too. It was only a matter of time until my husband decided to leave on his own.

I do not go to any church anymore. I felt real bad last summer, when my nephew at a church vbs had a graduation, and husband went and i did'nt. so I made the nephew a card and congratulated him. And everyone seemed to survive with no harm done.

I need way more healing before entering such a arena again. Well at least I'm honest. It does'nt feel good to d this but at least it is honest and real. Take heart, you are not alone in your experience and I hope for things to work out well for you and yours, autumn