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Janice
10-05-2004, 05:24 PM
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Mailing address
Daily Meditation
"A place for your mind to dwell."


Arise And Go

Prov 26:11 As a dog returns to his own vomit, So a fool repeats his folly.


Yes my friend, “a dog returns to his own vomit, and, a sow, having washed, to her wallowing in the mire.”(2 Pet 2:22) Someone defined a “fool” as someone who does the same thing, in exactly the same way, over and over again, and expects to get different results.

OK, let’s apply that principle to sin. Only a “fool” would continue to sin, and expect to be blessed. Remember the prodigal son who “journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal living.”(Luke 15:13) Like so many today, he “spent all,” and then he began to “be in want.”(V:14)

However, he had sense enough to realize that continuing his course, would lead to his demise; there came a time that “he came to himself, he said, 'How many of my father's hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son.””(V: 17-19)

If you’re throwing your money away on wine and women, you know why you’re broke. If you’re wasting your money on lottery tickets, don’t be surprised when someone else gets rich, and you end up broke. If you’re chasing another woman’s husband, don’t be surprised when your marriage ends up on the rocks.

My friend, “come to you yourself,” “arise and go to [your] father, and say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your [child]!"

Remember, “a dog returns to his own vomit, and, a sow, having washed, to her wallowing in the mire.” Is that really what you want for yourself? If you keep doing the same thing, in exactly the same way, over and over again, how in the world could you ever expect to get different results?

Climb out of the gutter, and “go to [your] father, and say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your [child]!””

Your Heavenly Father is waiting with open arms; He’s waiting to say, “bring out the best robe and put it on him/her, and put a ring on his/her hand and sandals on his/her feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son/daughter was dead and is alive again; he/she was lost and is found.”(Luke 15:22-24)

Try it; you’ll like it!

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Amazed in His presence...
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Climb out of the gutter, and “go to [your] father, and say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your [child]!””

Your Heavenly Father is waiting with open arms; He’s waiting to say, “bring out the best robe and put it on him/her, and put a ring on his/her hand and sandals on his/her feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son/daughter was dead and is alive again; he/she was lost and is found.”(Luke 15:22-24)

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I've tried. Said that prayer...been there, done that...and STILL feel I am "no longer worthy to be called His child!!!" Never, Ever, am I going to be able to give Janice the forgiveness people say she is suppose to give herself. Never, Ever am I going to believe God actually forgives & forgets the things I've done. I am "rotten to the core"...always have been and always will be! I don't deserve His love, His forgiveness, or anything else He has to offer.

I'm like a scared little puppy....So afraid to even try to move forward for fear of ending up in the same place again. How many times have I said this before??? I sound like an old record! I cringe on Wed. nights whenever I hear the words "chains", or "bondage", and actually "tremble" at the thought of being free. So...I guess for me "on the fence" is not such a bad place to be. It's safe here. Plenty of walls to keep me from falling off.

Continue to "push these feelings down" whenever they start to arise. Continue to "play church" and look and act like I am suppose to. Continue to be the "good little board members wife" on the outside, when I am nothing more than "scum" on the inside. Continue to stay as busy as I can so I don't have the time (like now) to think about things. I have deleted these devotionals for a long time and haven't even read them. I wish I had never opened this one up either!! This one is a real trigger for me.

Emerging
10-05-2004, 07:05 PM
((((((((((Janice)))))))))), I may be banned for saying this, but WHY some "Christians" pick the FOULEST scriptures to get their points across to DECENT, LOVING, CARING ... >>>HURTING<<< people like so MANY people are nowadays is beyond me! :mad: I am sure that Jesus is NOT pleased because He says it's better for meanies to have stones tied around their necks ... than to hurt children ... and what are we mortals ... but wounded children of God looking for healing and salvation ... or, deliverance from the evils that infest every mortal's soul?!! :mad: To say what was in that email to a hurting, penitent person is abusive imho and *completely* out of line!!! :mad: !!!!

Vent over ... for now!!! :mad:

But I think I was dealing with feelings like yours today. ... is the following helpful at all? :(

Tonight in counseling I was doing this great visualization where I got to put my mother in a straight jacket and tape her mouth CLOSED so I would NEVER again hear her say mean things about me or my children ... and shackles!! I added shackles, too!!! AND I was going to toss her into a black hole until she chose to apologize and make nice ... but suddenly I was SO scared of her somehow getting away and coming back to hurt me all over again!!! ... :(

My counselor asked what it felt like, could I put my fear in words ... and my fear was simply that I couldn't do ANYTHING good enough, including right now I couldn't get her away from me!!! ... because I couldn't do ANYTHING good enough to win her approval, no matter how much I let her hurt me growing up ... because I must be soooo horrible that I deserved this stuff ... OR, and NO WAY I could for a moment admit this, but both my parents were just SO HORRIBLE towards me they left me wishing to be dead... or desperate enough to do *whatever* it took to get away from them ... because no way I could admit that I was living with MONSTERS who EMBRACED the darkness and made it my constant companion day and night and every second in between!!! I NEVER felt safe growing up, no, not for a moment!! ... and one sister in particular could do no wrong ... so that REALLY made me feel like I was TOTALLY in the gun sights 24/7/365/forever!!!! :( :(

... so tonight I touched my deepest fear ... and I'm still ok! I was sooo scared that just maybe I'd see that it WAS me all along ... but all I sensed was that it was just another part of me realizing how TERRIBLY TERRIBLY UNSAFE my family of origin was and still is .... because it IS THEM, NOT ME!!!! ... and it's so FREEING to feel that TRUTH filling my soul tonight! :o :p :)

Who hurt you growing up? Who made you feel absolutely worthless and incompetent? It really was THEM, NOT YOU!!! ... and I see that now that I'm like hundreds of miles away from them all, it's now safe to see the truth.

Because it was THEM, NOT ME all along! Just like it was THEM and NOT YOU all along, too!! But terrified little Em and terrified little Janice couldn't admit that because it was WAY TOO SCARY to her/me. But that was then, this is now, and now it's safe to see who was wrong (my PARENTS) and who was innocent (me!!!) ... and who blew it (them) and who never deserved even a moment of ANY abuse (me!!!) ... and who is still unsafe (THEM!!!) ... and who is safe to live with (me?!! .. yes, ME!!). Who was "offended"? Me. Who will have to pay for their actions at some point? THEM.... BIG TIME!!

"And he took a child, and set him in the midst of them: and when he had taken him in his arms, he said unto them, Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me. And whosoever shall offend one of these little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea." (Mark 9:36-37, 42)