truth
09-07-2005, 11:25 AM
It's still so hard for me to be vulnerable and expose my real thoughts and ideas -- even here ---- and I believe this to be probably one of the safest groups I have ever been in!
there just seems to always be that "old sense of danger" that lingers in me when I speak, that old conditioning that says "don't speak --- you may get it!
In my old church it seemed to permeate the whole group , if it wasnt the sense of propriety and protocol that the pastor emitted it was the actual tongue lashings so indirect and laced with scriptures and e-mail blastings that I used to receive alot from a woman I worked with In the women's ministry.....they all sent the same deadly message - shut up --- so I did and once again I became a pretender - someone who learned quickly how to smile and pretend in order to fit in and win acceptance and approval in the system --- the only problem is, is when you do it - you lose yourself in the bargain.
I will probably be repeating myself, forgive me but I may say it the whole time I'm here - I'm so thankful for a group like this where there is no condemnation and its safe -- its very healing for me right now - I appreciate you --- I really hope that I will more and more be able to let down my guard and defenses so that I can get to know you better and you can know me --- but old habits are hard.
enough confession for today.
truth
there just seems to always be that "old sense of danger" that lingers in me when I speak, that old conditioning that says "don't speak --- you may get it!
In my old church it seemed to permeate the whole group , if it wasnt the sense of propriety and protocol that the pastor emitted it was the actual tongue lashings so indirect and laced with scriptures and e-mail blastings that I used to receive alot from a woman I worked with In the women's ministry.....they all sent the same deadly message - shut up --- so I did and once again I became a pretender - someone who learned quickly how to smile and pretend in order to fit in and win acceptance and approval in the system --- the only problem is, is when you do it - you lose yourself in the bargain.
I will probably be repeating myself, forgive me but I may say it the whole time I'm here - I'm so thankful for a group like this where there is no condemnation and its safe -- its very healing for me right now - I appreciate you --- I really hope that I will more and more be able to let down my guard and defenses so that I can get to know you better and you can know me --- but old habits are hard.
enough confession for today.
truth