Church attendance frustrations...

[Sheep]

After 16 yrs of marriage I discovered that my husband had been deceptive with me throughout our whole marriage. This naturally devastated me. I kept going to church with him for awhile, but it was too much like pretending. I've discussed with him at length that I need him to put forth some sort of effort into our relationship spiritually on Mon, Tue, Wed, Thurs, Fri, and Saturday in order for me to feel comfortable attending church with him on Sunday. Well, he was sleeping yesterday, so I got up and got ready to go to church and after he heard me he started to do the same! I reminded him that when he ignores me the rest of the week and then intends on going to church together that it's a trigger for me because my dad used to "play church" on Sundays then live whatever way he wanted to the rest of the week! He commented that he hadn't remembered anything about these conversations we've had nor the boundaries I have around attending church together. So...I stayed home again and he went (by himself). Grr...this relationship has too many "same old patterns" repeating itself!!!! I don't know if I should just start going to a different church for myself - it's a thought anyway. I did that while we were separated and it seemed to be just fine. Why do I care so much about these things anyway?!

Needing God's grace ~

Sheep

[Jerry]

People who fold their clothes and then settle down to buisness,,,,,have failed to notice that SEX is not sensible,,,,it is supposed to be a thrilling adventure,,,,,,a supprise,,,,,,,,,,,Love,,,,,,,,,Fun,,,,,,,,,,,Tend er caring for each other!!!!!!!! ;)
LOVE JERRY

[Emerging]

He commented that he hadn't remembered anything about these conversations we've had nor the boundaries I have around attending church together. Sheep

(((Sheep))) ... how did it go.... "1 day of church, 6 days of fun. Odds of going to heaven -- 7 to 1."

PRAYING for you and wondering ... will putting things in writing but in as gentle a way as possible, yet clearly saying "I need to be nurtured all week to feel safe going to church with you on Sundays" or *whatever* would be "your words" ... would this help him "remember" better? Or would it just be devisive? But clearly he's not remembering either accidently or on purpose ... how to eliminate that "excuse/fact"?

PRAYERS continue!

[Voyager]

I reminded him that when he ignores me the rest of the week and then intends on going to church together that it's a trigger for me because my dad used to "play church" on Sundays then live whatever way he wanted to the rest of the week!

Solution: Just tell him to live the same way on Sunday as he did the rest of the week, and the hypocrisy will be eliminated. Now we have some consistency at least.

I agree - there is no reason to act fake on Sunday. My motto is to just be yourself 24/7 and if nobody likes it - tough. Why put on an act for people?

:cool:

[Voyager]

P.S. - What I am trying to get at is that you can't make someone change. If someone is acting a certain way six days a week, then that's pretty much their mode of operation. You'll either have to accept him that way or bail out on the relationship. You will never change him. The more you try, the worse it will get.

:cool:

[hope]

Hey

I have had this problem when my husband had been a youth pastor was also into dodgy sexual stuff (porn, trying to organise 3somes etc)

Can you imagine how hard this was to 'pretend' all was ok?

So we went to an exernal Christian counsellor who was also a General Practitioner Doctor. I made my husband also confide in his best friend who was at church (rather than tell the pastor) so it wasn't all covered up. We didn't tell the pastor or anyone else. It was too hard cos we knew we would be judged.

It is fair enough for you to cry through the worship, to feel like your world is falling apart and you are putting on a good show to cover it up. The question is - can you be honest enough to address it, work on it, and move on (with it always being an issue for you to be aware of in case it rears it's head again).

We are doing great now
Love me :o

[Sheep]

P.S. - What I am trying to get at is that you can't make someone change. If someone is acting a certain way six days a week, then that's pretty much their mode of operation. You'll either have to accept him that way or bail out on the relationship. You will never change him. The more you try, the worse it will get.

:cool:
Voyager,

Thanks so much for this reminder...

Sheep :)

[VenetianRose]

Why is he wanting to go to church with you?
Is he hoping to save face in the community?

I've never heard of this....usually, it's women complaining that their husbands WON'T go to church.

[Sheep]

[QUOTE=VenetianRose]Why is he wanting to go to church with you?

QUOTE]

His response: "It seems like the thing to do. It's something we've always done together."


*sigh* What is the saying? "Old habits die hard"? I'm a confused little sheep lately!!

[Emerging]

His response: "It seems like the thing to do. It's something we've always done together." *sigh* What is the saying? "Old habits die hard"? I'm a confused little sheep lately!!

(((Sheep))), growing up is hard to do! Cuz in a way I think that's what we are all finally allowing ourselves to do ... grow up, said in the nicest way possible. ... so just because you guys have "always done" whatever ... doesn't mean that, with healing and growth, those old reasons are still *enough* anymore. :rolleyes:

Is this even close to what you are thinking is going on? :o PRAYING for ya!! :)

[Sheep]

[QUOTE=Emerging][SIZE=2]

[color=#FF0099 ... so just because you guys have "always done" whatever ... doesn't mean that, with healing and growth, those old reasons are still *enough* anymore. :rolleyes:

Emerging...very close! Pretending in our relationship is just too big of a trigger for me right now. Fortunately, he understands that it reminds me of the facade my dad used to put on - - - for years. Go to church (look good) but live life differently the rest of the week (except for praying before meal times). Then, all of a sudden, when I graduated from high school the last of five kids - he quit attending church! Still trying to sort through all of this. Thanks for praying!!!!

Sheep

[Savedbygrace]

Fortunately, he understands that it reminds me of the facade my dad used to put on - - - for years. Go to church (look good) but live life differently the rest of the week (except for praying before meal times). Then, all of a sudden, when I graduated from high school the last of five kids - he quit attending church! Still trying to sort through all of this.
Sheep,

I think we may have grown up in the same house ;) . You just triggered a memory I have not thought about in so long. My father never missed a Sunday, sang in his best loudest church voice and just showed good face. But the other 6 days of the week were another story. As I have gotten older, I have talked about spiritual matters with him more and have a better understanding of why he is the way he is. His father was a good practicing catholic who beat his sons and wife the rest of the week. Sigh...

Some days I am just too tired to delve into all of this ... I just pray that this "new creation" God has created in me will be able to break the generational curse.

Trish