runnerlady
08-26-2005, 08:32 AM
I'm back after a looooong time away. Some names look familiar to me. Don't know if anyone remembers me or not. I tried to come back once before but the forum was closed down for a while, then I got busy, then - well you know - life stuff. And I almost feel guilty coming back, because I have a crisis and feel really alone. I think that's all the old cult messages messing with my head. So anyway here I am - back and bedraggled! (if that's a word).
Here's the deal. We left the cult we were in almost 2 years ago. For a while we did good. We're going to a really sweet, mostly Hispanic church, where the people are just simple, uncomplicated gentle folks - but I'm about to starve to death! The messages seem all the same to me - When you have Jesus, you quit drinking, quit doing drugs, quit smoking, quit beating your wife (I haven't struggled with that one in years!). Be good and God will like you and help you get rich. I want to scream every time I hear the offering taken because it's just so much hype - I want to stand up and say, "tell people in third world countries they just need to claim their BMW!!" And then the pastor on Sundays has gotten into preaching messages about unity in the body. And of course, my cult-o-meter goes off in my head - Red alert - red alert - don't raise any questions or bring up issues - that's considered division. I don't think he has any clue that with that type of message, he is shutting down any sort of critical thinking process, or working through any difficulties in the church.
I feel so vulnerable right now. The problem is that since we left the cult, I have not really connected in any sort of a meaningful way with any other friend, oh I've made lots of aquaintances, but no close friends. So, wouldn't you know, a few months ago, I start getting invited to things by former church-mates. I was a little surprised, but figuring I could handle it went. One lady, who was supposed to have been my "mentor", had absolutely nothing to do with me when we left the church - never called - it was as if she had dropped off the face of the earth. Then one day I get an invitation to a party she is giving - but I find out it's for a new business she is starting. As much as I didn't want to be cynical - I confess - I was. But I went. And I have to tell you it felt so good to be around my old friends. This has gone on off and on for several months now. But there has been absolutely no resolution about the crap that church pulls and the way they control. And then I realize the plain truth! I'm such a weenie! For some little crumb of their acceptance I find myself really tempted to open my life to them again. And because we're going to a church that has about as much depth as my grandson's wading pool - where relationships are not emphasized at all - I find I'm hungry for something relational. So now I am in a dilemma. Do I continue my relationship with my old friends, knowing it may lead someplace I do not want to go (wish I had the guts to be real with them). I think in one sense I don't want to be that real because I know it will probably terminate the relationship, or they'll say I have demons, which is the typicall response.
I desperately need some sort of support group, but it seems there's nothing in my area. I probably need to have my head examined for having anything at all to do with them.
I'm sorry this is so long, and sorry I'm rambling. Somehow I have to find it in myself to be able to be real - even to the final loss of those relationships! Yikes!!
And I read a post from someone who had stayed home from her church with her daughter - I'm there - trust me - I probably would not go if my husband was not in a leadership position. Im sure I'd go to church someplace - just not there - because, oddly enough, the foundation of my faith is as solid as the day I met Jesus - it's just everything on top of the foundation has come crumbling down around my feet, but I guess that's okay - it can be rebuilt!!
Thanks for letting me share.
Here's the deal. We left the cult we were in almost 2 years ago. For a while we did good. We're going to a really sweet, mostly Hispanic church, where the people are just simple, uncomplicated gentle folks - but I'm about to starve to death! The messages seem all the same to me - When you have Jesus, you quit drinking, quit doing drugs, quit smoking, quit beating your wife (I haven't struggled with that one in years!). Be good and God will like you and help you get rich. I want to scream every time I hear the offering taken because it's just so much hype - I want to stand up and say, "tell people in third world countries they just need to claim their BMW!!" And then the pastor on Sundays has gotten into preaching messages about unity in the body. And of course, my cult-o-meter goes off in my head - Red alert - red alert - don't raise any questions or bring up issues - that's considered division. I don't think he has any clue that with that type of message, he is shutting down any sort of critical thinking process, or working through any difficulties in the church.
I feel so vulnerable right now. The problem is that since we left the cult, I have not really connected in any sort of a meaningful way with any other friend, oh I've made lots of aquaintances, but no close friends. So, wouldn't you know, a few months ago, I start getting invited to things by former church-mates. I was a little surprised, but figuring I could handle it went. One lady, who was supposed to have been my "mentor", had absolutely nothing to do with me when we left the church - never called - it was as if she had dropped off the face of the earth. Then one day I get an invitation to a party she is giving - but I find out it's for a new business she is starting. As much as I didn't want to be cynical - I confess - I was. But I went. And I have to tell you it felt so good to be around my old friends. This has gone on off and on for several months now. But there has been absolutely no resolution about the crap that church pulls and the way they control. And then I realize the plain truth! I'm such a weenie! For some little crumb of their acceptance I find myself really tempted to open my life to them again. And because we're going to a church that has about as much depth as my grandson's wading pool - where relationships are not emphasized at all - I find I'm hungry for something relational. So now I am in a dilemma. Do I continue my relationship with my old friends, knowing it may lead someplace I do not want to go (wish I had the guts to be real with them). I think in one sense I don't want to be that real because I know it will probably terminate the relationship, or they'll say I have demons, which is the typicall response.
I desperately need some sort of support group, but it seems there's nothing in my area. I probably need to have my head examined for having anything at all to do with them.
I'm sorry this is so long, and sorry I'm rambling. Somehow I have to find it in myself to be able to be real - even to the final loss of those relationships! Yikes!!
And I read a post from someone who had stayed home from her church with her daughter - I'm there - trust me - I probably would not go if my husband was not in a leadership position. Im sure I'd go to church someplace - just not there - because, oddly enough, the foundation of my faith is as solid as the day I met Jesus - it's just everything on top of the foundation has come crumbling down around my feet, but I guess that's okay - it can be rebuilt!!
Thanks for letting me share.