Confusion Sets In.....

[truth]

Hi

I am enjoying this site so much -- you guys are great --- I have not been able to be this real, since I became a Christian -- I'm either backsliding beyond hope or finally getting my freedom back (I would say the latter)

briefly, I was feeling pretty good yesterday, have the tv on in the background -- it was on TBN's nightime hosted program --- well I overhear the announcer say and now ______will perform his music! ______was the praise and worship leader at my former church-- very talented (I always liked him) and quickly has been developing a national recording career. So I run in to see him - I pray this quick prayer because , of course , I know it's going to mess me up!

Right off the bat, the host of the program who looks incredibly hip and not religious at all says, well we have all heard about your church _____ and how great it is --- (me - reality check?) music guy from my church - oh yes, its fantastic, tripled it's growth, funds rolling in, people are great and --- I sit under the great pastor such and such ---- everyone on the show, including a national Christian recording artist is like yeah we here it's great there yeah and I'm like ---(mantra - it wasn't great , it wasn't great ) as if to assure myself that I'm not crazy it was horrible and it isnt' what they said -- but I have to admit between the shiney , incredible glowing music guy, the accolades, etc I had that moment --- was it really all that bad or is it me and am I'm just an already crazy abused type personality projecting her stuff on an innocent church?

Can anyone relate to this feeling?

thanks, truth

[Jerry]

Yes Truth I can relate.......the seeds of self doubt were sown by your abusers in case you should ever leave,,,,,its a form of mind controll,,,,,,,,don't worry,it will go away over time.
Love Jerry

[jane]

was it really all that bad or is it me and am I'm just an already crazy abused type personality projecting her stuff on an innocent church?

Can anyone relate to this feeling?


all the time especially in the begining. I also worry if I am being "decieved" and I worry that maybe I over reacted.

In moments like those I have to come here and read what I wrote- and what others write in about.

As time went on, I felt that way less and less. We left a year ago last May.

What helped me was to realize that if I am decieved or if I am an already crazy abused personality projecting - than I am STILL loved by Jesus. That it is OK to err- that I will not be rejected.

It is often in that truth that I realize they were wrong because THEY are rejecting us and we did NOTHING except ask a few questions and disagree with the answers.

((hugs)) to you, it is so freaking confusing at times, isn't it?

jane

[Michael]

I am enjoying this site so much -- you guys are great --- I have not been able to be this real, since I became a Christian -- I'm either backsliding beyond hope or finally getting my freedom back (I would say the latter)

This place has been so healing for me. When I first came here in 1999, or was it 1998 - I can't remember for sure - I was soooo desperate. I had just logged off an adult site immediately before coming in here. I did not type in all caps, but there was a scream in what I wrote. My marriage was at risk because of my addictions.

Over the years, this place has been an ongoing Step Four/Five for me. So often I start writing and am surprised by what comes out. The people here have been awesome. I miss some of the "old timers" but they pop their heads in from time to time.

I almost started mentioning names and why they have been important to me, but I would inevitably leave someone out (I still haven't had any coffee yet. Good grief, I'd better get woking - look at the time.)

And so, in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, er. . . btw, welcome to the Forum. I'm glad you're here.

In His Grace,

Michael

[truth]

thank you so much - each reply has rung so true --

You're an awesome group of people.

truth

[Leb]

I relate, Truth!

One of my abusive experiences, back a few years, involved a cultic sort of teaching being embraced by a number of Christian leaders I thought knew better. Talk about my mind being thrown for a loop! It took me quite awhile to sort out how I could see it as deception (and psychologically dangerous) when a number of those I thought were "smarter than me" didn't. (Now a few years down the road most who got involved have now seen that deception too, and its no longer around that ministry).

In my work I've studied human develpmental stages a bit (not so that I'm any expert, though). There is a stage as young children where we're suppose to learn that we can "know what we know", i.e. can trust our thinking and perceptions for the most part. That use to be a lot weaker in me. After having to sort the deceptive stuff out for a few years, I've ended up believing I really can "know" stuff now (i.e. what's truth vs. what isn't). I've got a ways to go, but its better than it use to be!

I like your name, here: Truth :).

Leb



Hi

I am enjoying this site so much -- you guys are great --- I have not been able to be this real, since I became a Christian -- I'm either backsliding beyond hope or finally getting my freedom back (I would say the latter)

briefly, I was feeling pretty good yesterday, have the tv on in the background -- it was on TBN's nightime hosted program --- well I overhear the announcer say and now ______will perform his music! ______was the praise and worship leader at my former church-- very talented (I always liked him) and quickly has been developing a national recording career. So I run in to see him - I pray this quick prayer because , of course , I know it's going to mess me up!

Right off the bat, the host of the program who looks incredibly hip and not religious at all says, well we have all heard about your church _____ and how great it is --- (me - reality check?) music guy from my church - oh yes, its fantastic, tripled it's growth, funds rolling in, people are great and --- I sit under the great pastor such and such ---- everyone on the show, including a national Christian recording artist is like yeah we here it's great there yeah and I'm like ---(mantra - it wasn't great , it wasn't great ) as if to assure myself that I'm not crazy it was horrible and it isnt' what they said -- but I have to admit between the shiney , incredible glowing music guy, the accolades, etc I had that moment --- was it really all that bad or is it me and am I'm just an already crazy abused type personality projecting her stuff on an innocent church?

Can anyone relate to this feeling?

thanks, truth

[truth]

Thanks Leb,

I got what you're saying ---- and that's an interesting statement regarding the stage of "know that you know" --- today's a better day ....things are starting to affirm my "know that you knowness now - seems like right and left and for this to return --- I'm grateful.

take care, truth