Freaking Out

[Katie]

Well, I've been dreading it all summer. This coming Saturday, a close friend's son is getting married. She is one of the few people from my former church that is still friends with me. Now that the week is here, I'm feeling kind of panicky.

The pastor will be performing the ceremony, and the majority of those attending will be the people from our former church who now avoid me. It is an outdoor wedding in my friends yard. My husband won't go, but I feel like there is no way I can not go.

So, I am constantly giving myself little pep talks.
"I have forgiven them. I choose not to be bitter or angry."
"I have nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about. I don't need to be defensive or guarded."
"I can walk with my head held high amongst them because I know the truth of all that happened."
"Their rejection of me is their issue, not mine."

But even knowing all this, I can't prevent the pit in my stomach. Based on experience I know how awful I feel being around them and all of the undercurrents and messages that are like twisting a knife in a wound while they smile and pat one another on the back.

OK, I can do this. :(

[jane]

Katie,

Well, one way to look at it is you can go this saturday just so you can have INTERESTING stories to tell us when you get back :D .


I had a speech teacher teach us that if we were nervous during public speaking to imagine people were in their underwear..... well, that makes me laugh hysterically every time I get nervous and do just that.

Let's see, is the pastor wearing whitie tighties or sponge bob boxers??? Hehehe.


and please don't take this to mean a sexual thing, I did it as a humor and only once in a blue moon. It sort of humanizes people that are terrifying.

On a serious note, I understand your stomach ache. I would not know what to do either. Our friends wedding plans were cancelled, if you remember my posting.

Since then we have decided that we won't go if they reschedule- the man won't talk to us and gossips. Why should we spend money on clothes, gifts and go through emotional torment over a person that USED to be our friend???

As time has gone on, bumping into people is getting easier. I notice that THEY are in a fog- and feel pitty towards them. Funny what time away does; clears that smog of confusion.

I will be thinking of you. Take care of yourself this week, do something special, you deserve it. Let us know what happens on Saturday.

Love,
jane

[jane]

and another thing that I do :

This time next week it will be over!

That is what I tell myself and it helps.

This time next week you will be telling us stories about how people were treating someone else in their midst wrongly- because that disease isn't about you and it will repeat itself.

and about how empty the pastor's message was...

and about how ludicrious that the lowest people on the totem pole in church are treating you like you are lower than them....

and so on.

love you,
jane

[Katie]

LOL Jane!

The pastor would be wearing extremely tight whities (which explains his hostile personality) with brown marks all over them from other peoples' noses.

With that image in mind, I can do this! :p

Sometimes I feel pity for them, but then I feel guilty because I am thinking I am better than them in order to feel good about me.

My experience has been that other than the leaders who stabbed us in the back, it's the lowest guys on the totem pole who treat us the worst. Apparently they think that will help them get higher on the pole.

I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories or else desperate cries of despondence after this is over.

[Jerry]

Dear Katie,,,
The Pastor is probably wareing his wifes underware :D
Love Jerry

[jane]

Jerry,

have you ever thought of doing stand up comedy?

I am rolling on the floor laughing my dupa off!

jane

[jane]

sorry guys- dupa is polish for behind... :p

[Jerry]

Jerry,

have you ever thought of doing stand up comedy?

I am rolling on the floor laughing my dupa off!

jane
May an "Unclean Camel" defile his linnin closet !!! :D

[Katie]

Jerry,
You are so funny!
I will alternate between the tightie whities with brown nose spots image and the ladies' undies image.
But, I'm still freaking out. :eek:

[jane]

Katie,

I am breathing deep for you.

and listen, if you can't go, give your self permission not to go.

Being there for your friend is important to a limit. Being true to yourself is necessary for you and your family. (Jesus calls us to be worshippers in spirit and in TRUTH).

I have a friend who sounds like she is in the end stages of cancer and I haven't been a good friend. We were bringing her meals last spring and were sickened by the church's lack of belief that she may actually die. Tonight they have a healer coming and everyone is praying around the clock because the doctors have "done everything that they can" and have stopped treatment.

I haven't seen her since last spring because of how hard it is facing the "church" stuff. I feel tremendous guilt at times but I am comforted by knowing that sometimes "i just can't".

If you do decide to go, it'll be over in less than one week ;)

love,
jane

[bad girl]

Katie,
I had to face someone who was the primary person involved in my situation for the first time a few days ago, one on one in a small room, after 6 months. I did everything to avoid it, but I had no choice. I was so upset I had, well, you know, the thing that happens to your stomach when you get nervous, anyway, I was physically ill all day, finally, the moment arrived and my heart was pounding, my armpits wet with sweat, and there I was, face to face......... :eek: :eek: , and....... :D he was so nice and friendly. It was a neat time since, although I had been terribly hurt by him, at least I sensed that he missed me and was happy to see me. I actually enjoyed our visit and now, I don't live in fear of running into him. ;)

I don't feel any different about what he did and that it was wrong, but that doesn't mean I have to live in dread of seeing him.

Perhaps this is what you need. Once it's over with, it's over with :D .

Pat

[Katie]

Well, I survived.

The ex-pastor and I did a strange dance of avoidance all evening. The crowd was large enough that this worked. His wife ended up behind me in the food line, so I said hello to her. Poor thing looked like a trapped rabbit. I wondered how I would feel seeing them. I choose not to hate the pastor, and I just basically see him as a pathetic faker. It disgusts me to see him in relationship with the people that his lies divorced us from.

My ex-best friend who now tells everyone how deceived we are wasn't there. I think seeing her was partly what I was freaking out about. It is still really strange being around this group of people that we are now oddly displaced from.

I'm dealing with some different feelings today. My husband quit attending social things several years before we left the church. So I spent many years going to parties, weddings, graduations, even potlucks alone and making excuses for why he wasn't there. Because of this, we were in some ways already outsiders before we ever left. Where other peoples' relationships grew in an extended family type way, we were not a part of that.

Seeing the closeness of everyone's families last night made me realize that part of the blame for us not belonging was due to my husband's unwillingness to spend time with my friends and their families. He knew this hurt me, but apparently that doesn't matter to him. I'm wondering what to do about the hurt and resentment that I am feeling about this.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I want family friendships. Several of these women have been my true best friends for years and still are. But our families will never be close because my husband refuses to have anything to do with them.

Now we're attending a new church, and I'm just so sad that I'm apart from my real friends attending this church with people I don't know. Of course, due to the spiritual abuse, we can't go back there anyway. But honestly, I don't think I have the heart to form new friendships.

I just feel like I'm lost in some sort of wilderness between what was and any future happiness. I don't know how to get through this.

Very alone,
Katie

[Jerry]

I just feel like I'm lost in some sort of wilderness between what was and any future happiness. I don't know how to get through this.

Very alone,
Katie
Dear Katie,,,,
I think ya just keep slogging along having faith in change.After all,the only real constant in life is ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,change ;)
Love Jerry

[magicbear]

katie-

thanks for sharing glad to see you got through it all ok just one babystep

katie You will get through it baby step by babystep day by day and you

will just develop your ability to manage and handle the emotions and pain

I hope you can find someone ot a family with which you can form a bond katie

you show a very open caring heart I pray God provides for your needs as you

keep on in your journey also just for fun remember janes big but LOL

aint i a stinker :p ;) :eek: :D


love & grace-Robert

[Katie]

Jerry and Robert,
I wanted to thank you for your replies.
I didn't necessarily like the answer when I read it, but you are both right, one step at a time, just moving forward.

I've been thinking this week about how I avoided the ex-pastor at this wedding (and he avoided me). Part of me is ashamed that I didn't just boldly face him. But the other part of me doesn't even want to acknowledge his existence. That is the part that won the night of the wedding.

When I see him, I feel as if I am looking at someone who raped me. I have forgiven him. But I think he is pathetic and disgusting, and I don't want to even pretend to like him.

But then I wish I was better than all that and could look him in the eye, smile, and know he has to live with his loser self all the time.

I guess I still have some work to do in the "love your enemies" department.

[Jerry]

I guess I still have some work to do in the "love your enemies" department.
Dear Katie,,,,
It's not important to reach our goals,given the time we have aloted in this life,what IS important is that we begin ;)
Love Jerry