jane
08-17-2005, 04:22 PM
Hello,
I just wanted to say welcome to you and was afraid it would get lost at the end of that long post.
Thankyou for sharing your experiences, what an awesome way it turned out.
I agree, it doesn't minimize the abuse but it sure helps the healing process.
welcome and I look forward to getting to know you more.
jane
Hi all,
You don't know me, but I've been lurking on your forum for several months. I didn't intend to introduce myself this way, but I now can't help myself. The time is ripe!
I wanted to say thank you to spongfan for your post! My partner and I and daughter are members of a UCC church, and we could not be happier about the synod's action on behalf of same-sex couples desiring marriage. We would *so* get married if we could, and we are so proud of our denomination! I could say lots more about this, but the main thing is that we're so happy!
The reason I initially started reading this forum is that my partner and I previously belonged to a church that was spritually abusive, though we didn't know that term at the time. The minister subjected members to lying, manipulating, gossiping, breaking confidences (pastoral counseling was *not* considered confidential by him). Of course he was very controlling and always wanted more of our money and our time (even after we had a baby and were both working full time jobs). He was doing at least one illegal thing while we were there, and most of us former members suspect there was more though we can't confirm. We didn't find out until later that he was also verbally (and probably physically) abusive to many people, but usually in private so that people didn't know about it until later when we started talking to each other. As you can imagine, there was lots of bad stuff that happened--I won't list everything now as it's so *much.*
So that's what brought me here, and I want to thank you for your help though you didn't know you were giving it. You all confirmed many of my hunches and gave me lots of insights that have both helped me in my recovery and helped some other former members of that church. Your experiences and insights were right on the money.
Another reason I wasn't hurrying to post to the forum was that I wanted to wait and see what happened to that church and denomination it was affiliated with. We have been out of there for almost two years, so we've had some time to recover and catch our breath a bit. Also, I wanted to wait and see if the denomination was really concerned about the abuse or was more concerned about covering it up or covering up their own responsibility.
The amazing thing that has come of this is that the denomination this church was affiliated with has taken great care to help former members heal/recover from the effects of the minister. A few months ago, the denomination appointed an elder to investigate the situation at this church--no one is sure exactly how the denomination caught on to the problem, but it did. The elder solicited information from as many former members as she could reach, and that info formed the basis for judicial charges to be brought against the minister, who was put on leave until the process was completed. The minister, in classic form, resigned his credentials on the eve of the judiciary process being started and *encouraged* the church to disaffiliate from the denomination, which it did. The timing was perfect! How convenient to not have to answer to charges because you're not a member of the denomination any more.
So the judiciary process stopped, but the denomination offered four weeks of healing/recovery facilitated by a minister/social worker, and having been to two of these, I can tell you that they are legit. I was afraid it might be some church bureaucrat telling us all that we were overreacting or that we should keep quiet or what-have-you. But no, they have been truly healing times. We have all been allowed to share our experiences and feelings, and the elder gave us a lot of information (except for confidential stuff she couldn't share to protect the minister's confidentiality in the judicial process) about the process by which the church had been identified as a problem as well as what the denomination had been trying to do to bring the minister to accountability for his behavior. It's amazing to see how people can be healed (not completely in four weeks, but significantly) by having their experiences and feelings heard. The information was important, too, because I think one thing so many people need who have been in such a situation is to understand it insofar as it can be understood.
None of this is to say that all of this good stuff outweighs the bad, the abuse so many of us experienced. I still have a lot of aftereffects from being treated the way I was treated by this minister and his henchmen/henchpersons, some of whom were almost worse than the minister. I have a lot of things I still have to work through and understand and feel, but these recovery/healing meetings have really helped me.
I had no intention for going on for so long! Again, thank you to all of you who have been posting here--I think I was in slightly better shape than some of my other comrades because of this forum. For one thing, I knew this minister was not unique, and that much of his behavior was "classic" spiritual abuse. So I am grateful.
Thank you for reading this incredibly long introduction!
Love and Peace.
I just wanted to say welcome to you and was afraid it would get lost at the end of that long post.
Thankyou for sharing your experiences, what an awesome way it turned out.
I agree, it doesn't minimize the abuse but it sure helps the healing process.
welcome and I look forward to getting to know you more.
jane
Hi all,
You don't know me, but I've been lurking on your forum for several months. I didn't intend to introduce myself this way, but I now can't help myself. The time is ripe!
I wanted to say thank you to spongfan for your post! My partner and I and daughter are members of a UCC church, and we could not be happier about the synod's action on behalf of same-sex couples desiring marriage. We would *so* get married if we could, and we are so proud of our denomination! I could say lots more about this, but the main thing is that we're so happy!
The reason I initially started reading this forum is that my partner and I previously belonged to a church that was spritually abusive, though we didn't know that term at the time. The minister subjected members to lying, manipulating, gossiping, breaking confidences (pastoral counseling was *not* considered confidential by him). Of course he was very controlling and always wanted more of our money and our time (even after we had a baby and were both working full time jobs). He was doing at least one illegal thing while we were there, and most of us former members suspect there was more though we can't confirm. We didn't find out until later that he was also verbally (and probably physically) abusive to many people, but usually in private so that people didn't know about it until later when we started talking to each other. As you can imagine, there was lots of bad stuff that happened--I won't list everything now as it's so *much.*
So that's what brought me here, and I want to thank you for your help though you didn't know you were giving it. You all confirmed many of my hunches and gave me lots of insights that have both helped me in my recovery and helped some other former members of that church. Your experiences and insights were right on the money.
Another reason I wasn't hurrying to post to the forum was that I wanted to wait and see what happened to that church and denomination it was affiliated with. We have been out of there for almost two years, so we've had some time to recover and catch our breath a bit. Also, I wanted to wait and see if the denomination was really concerned about the abuse or was more concerned about covering it up or covering up their own responsibility.
The amazing thing that has come of this is that the denomination this church was affiliated with has taken great care to help former members heal/recover from the effects of the minister. A few months ago, the denomination appointed an elder to investigate the situation at this church--no one is sure exactly how the denomination caught on to the problem, but it did. The elder solicited information from as many former members as she could reach, and that info formed the basis for judicial charges to be brought against the minister, who was put on leave until the process was completed. The minister, in classic form, resigned his credentials on the eve of the judiciary process being started and *encouraged* the church to disaffiliate from the denomination, which it did. The timing was perfect! How convenient to not have to answer to charges because you're not a member of the denomination any more.
So the judiciary process stopped, but the denomination offered four weeks of healing/recovery facilitated by a minister/social worker, and having been to two of these, I can tell you that they are legit. I was afraid it might be some church bureaucrat telling us all that we were overreacting or that we should keep quiet or what-have-you. But no, they have been truly healing times. We have all been allowed to share our experiences and feelings, and the elder gave us a lot of information (except for confidential stuff she couldn't share to protect the minister's confidentiality in the judicial process) about the process by which the church had been identified as a problem as well as what the denomination had been trying to do to bring the minister to accountability for his behavior. It's amazing to see how people can be healed (not completely in four weeks, but significantly) by having their experiences and feelings heard. The information was important, too, because I think one thing so many people need who have been in such a situation is to understand it insofar as it can be understood.
None of this is to say that all of this good stuff outweighs the bad, the abuse so many of us experienced. I still have a lot of aftereffects from being treated the way I was treated by this minister and his henchmen/henchpersons, some of whom were almost worse than the minister. I have a lot of things I still have to work through and understand and feel, but these recovery/healing meetings have really helped me.
I had no intention for going on for so long! Again, thank you to all of you who have been posting here--I think I was in slightly better shape than some of my other comrades because of this forum. For one thing, I knew this minister was not unique, and that much of his behavior was "classic" spiritual abuse. So I am grateful.
Thank you for reading this incredibly long introduction!
Love and Peace.