Much needed sermon, Theodora!

[Kerrin]

Thank you so much for those sermon notes Theodora, I got up today "intending" to go to Church,
Felt guilty ALL day, until I found your e-mail, it was just what "God" (I'm sure), ordered for me at this point, especially in light of tomorow and my "fears"!

Anyway, I wanted to acknowledge you and my appreciation.
I realise I'm just not ready to go back anywhere yet.

I get too panicky at the thought.

I guess it'll happen one day.

So, I took Amy out for brunch, as a treat because she had completed the 40 hour famine!
WE went to Cafe` "B', (where I met my "angel"), and she was working, today.
It was funny 'cos she too can't go back to Church, but she "supports" a local Church ( She didn't elaborate), and many of them were there having lunch.

She is such a wonderfully warm person, she was sexually and spiritually, abused in the Catholic system, became a "junkie" as she called herself, and her and I exchanged one of those kind of, "I know you know" looks , but didn't say much more ; I guess because Amy was there.
For me, I can't share too much of my pain in front of Amy!

Anyway, she waved us off, and blurted out "oy, tomorow 's your big day isn't it?".
I said "yes; a few butterflies..." She said she'll pray ! :o
She said ,"well, we'll see you here a bit more then?" I said, "You betcha!"

It's amazing the people God brings into your life.
If I were to have "judged" her as I used to!!, I would have thought we have NOTHING in common, and she is a hippy into "alternative" stuff!
I would never have walked in there, let alone go back!
And they have such great food!
How wrong I would've been!! :o

Over a year ago, when our old Church "abandoned" Us, I prayed That dangerous prayer, "Lord Make me Like Jesus"...........the whole deal; suffering, etc....

I didn't count on the suffering hurting so much , (and I wouldn't be as presumptuous to liken it to anything like what HE went through), but I really DID go through agony of crying out to Him night after night and not getting any answers for a long time ( during that time I had literally NO visitors!!), I was alone with Amy while she recovered from her surgery.
I can't explain that horrible feeling of waking up at 3 a.m and not "feeling" God's presence; just a sense of "nothingness"! :(
It used to scare me because if we'd died, no-one would have noticed!
The pain of that time I NEVER want to re- live.
I wasn't using the computer back then, I had shut down "everything" in me, and around me, I was so tired, I wasn't getting much rest.
Amy would need regular pain meds overnight, and help to turn in her bed, or to go to the bathroom etc..
I had to give her her drinks because she could only sit up for short periods at a time with help, and if I didn't "push fluids" she wouldn't drink!

She needed 24/7 care!

I wasn't sleeping, and I prayed, but it seemed God was further away than ever!
I really wanted to die!
But I had Amy to get well again!

Why am I babbling about all this???? :confused:

I don't know................

I guess it's because at that point of praying THAT prayer; things started to change, certainly NOT overnight.
It seems like such a long time ago but it's not really, only 15 months, I guess.

Somehow, I found Jeff's book, and this web site and I watched and read for a long while..........

I guess the rest is history, and when I look at my "angel", it's through, I hope, the eyes of Jesus, not the old Kerrin's, (judgmental ) eyes! :o

I'm learning so much.
Thankyou, for being part of my healing.
LOVE
Kerrin ;)

[jane]

I don't think you are babbling about Amy being sick.

It helps me when you talk about it. Sometimes I remember those feelings when I was sitting next to my husband on infectious disease control ward. He had an infection in his leg that was climbing. I have never seen anyone with such a high tempeture and he was dillusional. I was initially caring for him at home, bringing him to the doctor daily for anitbiotic shots. When the red on his leg kept climbing, he was hospitalized. He was diagnosed with antibiotic resistant staff. They told me that if it reached his organs, it was 98% fatal.


It was horribe and I was alone at the hospital with my son. Only my best friend from the church came to visit. I had cut contact with family and friends because of business and lack of approval from my church. The pastor did not come to see us.

So, talk away Kerrin and don't feel like you have to apologize.

love,
jane