Does Venting Help or Hurt?

[Voyager]

Someone brought up this topic on another forum, so I thought I would share my reply with you all. Here it is:

In many "Christian" churches (mainly the extremist-type), followers are taught to suppress their emotions, and "crucify" their anger (however, it's okay for the pastor to get angry because it is "holy" anger). In the church I was in, the people became very passive because of this doctrine. Then when most of them escaped, many of them became big-time complainers. That's because for many years they suppressed all of their anger and frustration, and it all came tumbling out of the closet that they had stuffed it in.

I feel that there should be a balance. For a few years after getting out from under this false teaching, I vented a lot. It took a while to get it all out, and I was accused of being "bitter" and "unforgiving" by many people who were brainwashed with the same B.S. that I was taught. I think it was healthy for me to vent for a few years, because I got it out of my system.

Now I am finding a balance. The number one rule for me is to not be passive. If someone offends me, I do not stuff it any longer. I tell them how they have crossed my boundaries, and I tell them what my needs are. I let them know that I am willing to respect their boundaries, and therefore I expect them to respect mine. On rare occasions the people who offend me will call this "whining", but it's only a form of manipulation to try to get me to passively accept their disrespectful behavior.

When I first started trying to stand up for myself after years of learning to "crucify" my emotions, it was very awkward because I had learned to be passive when someone offended me. So, it took a while to learn to be graceful and fair when telling someone that they had offended me. I'm still not all the way there yet, but I am much better at it than I was a few years ago.

Bottom line is, I am much happier now that I do not stuff my emotions. I try to be a positive, optimistic person. I think that if you vent too much, you will become negative and pessimistic - which I believe is extremely unhealthy. Many of us know someone like this, and they can be very difficult to be around - even if they are otherwise likable. In addition, if you complain too much you will become constantly stressed-out, which can lead to physical and mental health problems.

Thoughts?

:cool:

[Sheep]

Hi, Voyager.

One of your comments was "Bottom line is, I am much happier now that I do not stuff my emotions." It actually has been a freeing thing for me to experience also.

In my opinion, venting helps me when I share with safe people AND have balance - as you also mentioned. I vented SO much to my counselor this past year that I think she referred to it as "vomitting"! But it has been healthy for me spiritually, emotionally, AND physically to "get it all out".

Not only was I taught growing up to stuff my heavy emotions (except for anger), but in churches I've attended a big part of me was shut down (after all God made us beings with feelings/emotions) but as a believer I wasn't supposed to "feel" certain emotions. That was inappropriate or sinful. Glad to be free from that!

Sheep

[jane]

Voyager,

I am unsure if this is your posting or someone else's but I have no problem with the statements when the person is talking about their experience.

HOWEVER:

I feel that there should be a balance

I think that if you vent too much, you will become negative and pessimistic - which I believe is extremely unhealthy. Many of us know someone like this, and they can be very difficult to be around - even if they are otherwise likable. In addition, if you complain too much you will become constantly stressed-out, which can lead to physical and mental health problems.


I don't agree with these two statements. For one thing it sounds like the person is telling the reader to do things their way and to shut up.

I find it no different than my experiences in the abusive church.

I was told what to feel, what not to feel, and how quickly to "get over it." I was taught to mask real pain behind smiles with lines like, "Jesus is working things out in me".

My healing is my healing and I will own it. If I want to vent whether I am balanced or not; I am going to vent. That is the freedom that I have recently found.

I don't believe that venting causes one to be negative and pessimistic- but I do believe that other's don't feel comptfortable listening to people's pain and anger. Often they don't want you to vent because THEY can't listen.

I also believe that it isn't the venting that causes us to become negative and unhealthy- but the EXPERIENCES that we are venting about AND the lack of compassionate listeners.

It sounds too much like "blame the victim" and "hurry up and get over it."

I don't mean to offend you, but you asked my opinion so you got it.

I don't agree with this post except where the person is writing on their own experiences.

Funny thing though, don't some people say, "this is my experience" but the subtle in between the line reading means, "so follow it because it is the right way."

jane

[Hope 98]

I also believe that it isn't the venting that causes us to become negative and unhealthy- but the EXPERIENCES that we are venting about AND the lack of compassionate listeners.

jane

I've come to agree that venting is a good thing - it's who you VENT TO that can cause problems.

A compassionate listener can give you the opportunity to sort through the emotions and pain so that you have a clearer picture of what you're really dealing with (is this a reminder of a past experience, or a new and equally unpleasant current experience?)

Some folks don't let you sort things through. They are tagging for memory the irrational things that come out of your mouth while you are trying to clear the air and figure out what is really going on.

[Voyager]

For one thing it sounds like the person is telling the reader to do things their way and to shut up.

I find it no different than my experiences in the abusive church.

I was told what to feel, what not to feel, and how quickly to "get over it." I was taught to mask real pain behind smiles with lines like, "Jesus is working things out in me".

My healing is my healing and I will own it. If I want to vent whether I am balanced or not; I am going to vent. That is the freedom that I have recently found.

I don't believe that venting causes one to be negative and pessimistic- but I do believe that other's don't feel comptfortable listening to people's pain and anger. Often they don't want you to vent because THEY can't listen.

I also believe that it isn't the venting that causes us to become negative and unhealthy- but the EXPERIENCES that we are venting about AND the lack of compassionate listeners.

It sounds too much like "blame the victim" and "hurry up and get over it."

I don't mean to offend you, but you asked my opinion so you got it.
I was the one who wrote it, and I don't see what I wrote as telling people to shut up and do things my way. I expressed what my experiences have been. It's a known fact that being negative and pessimistic can not only ruin relationships, but your health also. I didn't say that venting was bad. I do it all the time. Maybe you misunderstood and thought that I was trying to tie the two together.

Anyway, I don't feel that what I wrote should be compared to spiritual abuse. If you don't like what I wrote, then just please take what you need and leave the rest.

:cool:

[Voyager]

My last reply will probably leave me open to some misunderstandings, so let me clarify what I was trying to say.

I spoke about my own experiences in what I wrote above. If you re-read them, I am not telling anyone what they should do. I documented the stages that I have gone through after being spiritually abused. I thought that this topic would be something we could all relate to. I did state that if one falls into the trap of constant complaining it can lead to negativity and pessimism, which is documented to lead to depression and other mental and physical health problems. This is a trap for a victim of any form of abuse. It has ruined many a person's life. It's a very difficult trap to get out of.

So, if you want to fault me for that, then I guess I will have to remain faulted. I see no reason to retract my statement. I didn't accuse anyone of anything, question anyone's motives, nor did I condemn anyone for anything. I did state what I have learned in the seven years since I have left my spiritually abusive church. If it came across as cocky or preachy, it was not intentional.

It's hard sometimes to read someone's motives when you read what they have written in black and white. That's why I try to always believe the best about people. It's hard to trust after being spiritually abused. Sometimes when anything even resembles the abuse that was used on us, we instinctively react in a defensive way.

I know all about the "Don't tell me what I am feeling, and don't try to tell me what I am thinking!" attitude. That's exactly the way we should feel inside. But sometimes after we have been told what to feel and what to think for many years, we end up getting very defensive against anything that remotely resembles someone trying to do that.

To clarify, I was not trying to tell anyone what they should feel or how they should think. If I triggered you Jane, I am sorry that you were triggered. But I am not sorry about posting my opinions and my experiences. One of the best lines that I have ever read on this forum is "Take what you need and leave the rest". I think that applies here, as it does in every post.

When I ended what I wrote with, "Any thoughts?", that was my way of saying "These are my opinions and experiences, what are yours?" I was in no way implying that my thoughts and experiences should be those of everyone else.

I have probably gone a little overboard in my clarifications, but I care about this forum and the people here including you Jane, so I spent the time to do so. If you still want to take issue with what I said, I will not debate with you. We are all entitled to our own opinions, and I will not debate with you if your opinions are different than mine. I will not call your opinions abusive, nor will I compare you to my former abusers. I would appreciate the same respect from you.

:cool:

[Voyager]

Anyway, it's too easy to get pulled into disputes on these online forums. All it does is cause anger and grief for people. It's too easy to misunderstand others on online forums where people cannot sit down with each other and explain their heart to each other. So, if this thread goes south, I won't be around to deal with the fallout. Been there, done that, dealt with too much frustration over it.

:(

[jane]

Voyager,

First let me say to you that I am sorry. I did not read the top line of your post. When I read the posting, I thought,

"wow, someone is telling Voyager that he is being critical and venting too much." and I just wrote out of that response. I honestly thought someone else was attacking you for venting and read the post in that light.

I should have taken the time to read your post carefully. You have always been positive and supportive of everyone here and there has never been "a closed door" when we have vented.


Why is it different if you wrote it vs. a stranger?

To me it is different because even though I have never met you I feel that I have established a relationship with you and know your character as far as this forum goes. For you to say those things verses someone saying them against you is two different things; like you said, the written word doesn't come across in totality and especially if one doesn't take the time to read the post as it was written.

Again, please forgive me. Of all the people in this forum you are the one I would attack the lest.....

I will reread it and repost...

jane

[Voyager]

Thanks for the apology Jane. That means a lot to me. I have always had the utmost respect for you also. I know it's very easy to have a misunderstanding on a forum like this, so that's why I spent the time to try to clarify what I was saying. Thanks for the warm reply.

:p

[Voyager]

I think where the misunderstanding may have started was with the subject line of this thread: "Does Venting Help or Hurt?". I took it from another forum. They were trying to say that venting was bad, and my reply to them was to say that venting can be very good. But if it evolves into constant complaining, leading to negativity and pessimism - it can become unhealthy.

:cool:

[jane]

no, I disagree with you ;) the misunderstanding came when I didn't read the entire post. It clearly states on top that you wrote it.

I also re-read my response and a few sentences sound like I didn't care if you were the one who wrote it when they were rhetorical statements that in hindsight I shouldn't have written.

Thanks for your grace.

Love,
Jane

[Voyager]

Jane,

I am glad that you disagreed with me. It shows that you are getting healthy. You are thinking for yourself. It's just a little people-pleasing still in me that makes me want to have people agree with me. I just need to remember that's not always going to happen - and it doesn't need to. In my former church, we all had to agree or we would lose our friends. In real relationships it should be okay to disagree at times.

I wish now that I hadn't gone on about it so, but I guess that shows that I am not all the way there yet either. We may never be. It's a voyage through recovery, and yet we will still never attain perfection.

Thank God! That would be boring.

:cool: