To Hesed: Strict Standards

[lynn]

Dear Hesed,

You asked us to comment on what we found so attractive about strict standards and what those standards were.

When I first started going to my old church, I didn't even notice their "standards" because they didn't make a big deal about them at first. What I did want was something real. I live in the South and almost EVERYBODY goes to church. I saw most people as hyprocrites, though. (I worked at a restaraunt and Sundays were nothing but a fashion show). The standards at my old church were what that I thought I needed. I felt ladylike in the long skirts that I had to wear, when before I wore very revealing clothes. They seemed adamant about biblical standards, which I had no problem with that part. I didn't know the bible for myself, so I relied on them to tell me what was "holy" or "wordly". Also, I would say they kind of tricked me by not laying out the standards as soon as I joined. I found most things out by trial and error. For instance, I wore some sandals one time and was called into the pastor's wife's office so she could tell me that I shouldn't wear them. By then I was already deep into the church and didn't feel free to leave. They used a lot of fear and intimidation.
(if you leave you'll go to hell, your marraige will end, your business will fail, etc.) The usual stuff. They didn't want men to wear shorts. Wives were completely subject to husbands, expecially when it came to sex. Giving and honoring the pastors were most important. Church attendance was a requirement. We had Sunday School, Sunday Worship-day and evenings, monday prayer, Tuesday bible study, Friday Worship, Saturday we usually did a car wash or had choir practice. As a church, we visited at least 10 churches a month for various programs. Women could not wear makeup or nail polish. (I stopped because my pastor told me I looked pretty without it) No jewelry was allowed except rings. Now what is the difference between a ring and a necklace??? We couldn't listen to any secular music, not even love songs with our spouse. If you didn't do all of these things you were not considered to be "saved". I'm sure there's more, but I can't remember. When I started studying on my own and questioning these things, I became an outsider. The thing that most attracted me to these people and thier way of life was, I guess, my own ignorance of the Word. I was just looking for somwhere to fit in and be loved, so I looked the other way. They made themselves out to be true messengers of God and I believed they had answers. It sounds dumb now, but that's the way it was.

[Hesed]

Lynn: Thanks for taking the time to write that; it seemed very honest and I appreciate it.

I guess I'm hearing that, on first joining, you felt that these people were actually living out a commitment to God whereas the church you'd gone to previously was "hypocritical". I'm assuming that you felt the people in the previous church "mouthed the words" but lived just like people who don't go to church?

After leaving the abusive church you seem to have recognised that you were looking to fit in with and belong to a group. That's very honest, I think. I know that there is some sense in which I am still doing this myself and I expect that we all do, to a certain extent.

You said that once you started reading the bible yourself and questioning things that people got hostile. Did the people in the church not do bible studies together? Or were individuals just not supposed to question their interpretation of the bible?

For what it's worth, that's how I started getting into trouble as a teenager who was raised in a legalistic church: by asking questions. People used to say "Feel free to ask any question you like; there is no such thing as a wrong question". Then I'd ask "Why do we believe XYZ" and there would be anger and threats. It was only a few years ago, in my early 40s, on an internet forum for this denomination when the same thing happened yet again that I realised that "Ask any question you want" means "And then the expert will tell you the answer, and you will accept the answer and go away and believe it". Asking "Why?" wasn't supposed to be part of the deal.

[Blake]

You should read Tennessee Williams..hios plays SuDDENLY LAST SUMMER and A Streetcar naed desire about the southern facades and reality from that

[Hesed]

You should read Tennessee Williams..hios plays SuDDENLY LAST SUMMER and A Streetcar naed desire about the southern facades and reality from that

Tempted to respond....oh, what the heck.... "Ah've always depended on the kindness of strangers." ;)

[Blake]

Most of us HAVE, dearie..most of us have..... :cool:

[lynn]

Believe me, we had plenty of bible studies together, but we could only believe thier point of view. More and more, I found that thier interpretation was based on ignorance and tradition. One time we were in Sunday School and the pastor's wife was talking about women dressing modestly and not wearing what "pertains to a man". They said that pants were only men's clothing. I simply brought up the fact that men used to wear blazers and then women wore them (with thier skirts of course), so what's the difference between that and wearing women's slacks or jeans. This kind of logic made her huff and puff. You should have seen the way she looked at me. I wasn't trying to start something, I just thought it was a legitimate point. The worst thing about it is that not one person in the congregation supported me. Everyone said "Amen" to her as she went off on a rant, while looking at me like some kind of leper or somthing. Mind you, I was a teacher myself and these very same people claimed to enjoy my teaching. The battle lines were clearly drawn that day, though. Funny thing is, I think the pastor agreed with me, but wouldn't dare go against her and the way he had been taught.

[lynn]

I think, these man made "standards" made me feel like some sort of "super Christian" whom God loved more than anyone else. Now I know that He loved me first and that is the only thing that can motivate change in my life. There is nothing I can do to earn love, I already have it!

[Hesed]

Thanks for your comments on the bible study. I do sometimes wonder whether these snitty exchanges happen because the people teaching haven't thoroughly studied things themself and just parrot what they've learned from others; then when confronted with a difficult question, they get angry because they don't have an answer to support their views. By the way, my church used the same proof-text to explain why girls and women couldn't wear trousers too - although that was way back in the 1960s and 70s and even they allow this now.

I think, these man made "standards" made me feel like some sort of "super Christian" whom God loved more than anyone else. Now I know that He loved me first and that is the only thing that can motivate change in my life. There is nothing I can do to earn love, I already have it! I really appreciate you saying this; it's so honest. As someone who grew up in that sort of church from a baby, the effect it had on me was to make me think I could never be good enough for God to love me. But I can see why it would have made someone feel like a "super Christian" too. Thanks for having had the courage and honesty to say that; it feels healing on this end of the comment. :)