eva
08-02-2005, 02:43 PM
Iīm just overwhelmed by guilty feelings. In fact, I donīt know their source, except that Iīm not able to make my husband happy... I feel guilty, because I donīt like his touch, donīt like him to be kind and caring and telling me he needs me. Maybe because I donīt believe him? Because he once forced me to let him read my private correspondence with a friend - which I hid from him because I felt he wouldnīt like it - and I have to admit it wasnīt right from me; still there was nothing ill about it. When he read it, he apologized and told me he saw it was all very innocent and clear; still he lost his confidence to this friend of us, which hurt me. And I lost my confidence in my husband, that he wouldnīt hurt me again. Since then, I donīt like sex with him (well, I didnīt like it very much before, but this is a difference), and he suffers by this, and I really donīt know what to do about it... Iīm just scared to talk with him about serious things; Iīm scared he will impose more guilt on me - not from an ill will, but because he suffers. He is the one who tries to talk to me, and Iīm the one who is hiding. I donīt know what to do about my feelings; I donīt know what to do to be courageous enough to speak to him openly - Iīm afraid of more guilt, of more pain, I donīt want him to know my secrets (which in fact are not any secrets, just MY things that I donīt want to discuss with him). And I feel guilty I donīt want to share with him all I think or feel... I humbly ask my God to help me, because nobody else can. But it is painful just now, and I donīt see the way out. - I trust my God to lead me, in time... Meanwhile, let me not to make pain to anybody else...