spongfan
07-26-2005, 09:05 PM
I have been overseas and am back in this small town fundamentalist atmosphere.
Last night, I was angry. Why did God allow me to endure all that spiritual abuse?
Whenever I think of my old church, it brings back all those old feelings of fear. Today, they had a sign up in the church yard about hell. I know it was not directed at me, but I couldn't help wondering if it was. Some of them know I am home, because I encoutered them in the mall and told them I could not return to that church, and then I saw this sign up in the church yard today. Last summer the pastor and his wife almost led me to have a nervous breakdown, because I returned from seminary and told him my true beliefs. He said I had been corrupted, but I felt liberated for the first time in my life. Whenever I am in this environment, I feel nothing but condemnation. Why? I am not a bad person. The worst thing I ever do is challenge their belief system through my academic writing and read books by Tillich and Spong, and yet I feel condemned by them all the time. One cannot say that it is conviction, because when I followed their belief system closely, I still felt condemned. Oh well, now I say that I may very well go to hell, but at least I will go there in peace, for once in my life. :confused: But on second thought, I know that I am accepted by the Transcendent, so why worry? :cool:
Last night, I was angry. Why did God allow me to endure all that spiritual abuse?
Whenever I think of my old church, it brings back all those old feelings of fear. Today, they had a sign up in the church yard about hell. I know it was not directed at me, but I couldn't help wondering if it was. Some of them know I am home, because I encoutered them in the mall and told them I could not return to that church, and then I saw this sign up in the church yard today. Last summer the pastor and his wife almost led me to have a nervous breakdown, because I returned from seminary and told him my true beliefs. He said I had been corrupted, but I felt liberated for the first time in my life. Whenever I am in this environment, I feel nothing but condemnation. Why? I am not a bad person. The worst thing I ever do is challenge their belief system through my academic writing and read books by Tillich and Spong, and yet I feel condemned by them all the time. One cannot say that it is conviction, because when I followed their belief system closely, I still felt condemned. Oh well, now I say that I may very well go to hell, but at least I will go there in peace, for once in my life. :confused: But on second thought, I know that I am accepted by the Transcendent, so why worry? :cool: