Just checking in ...

[Amber]

I'm a little down tonight. It's not been the best of days, but it's not been the worst either. Just a day that will pass.

I began the morning by having a fight with my husband :( I wasn't happy that he's not spending as much time with me as I'd like. Then I get angry with myself for being so needy. I HATE being a clingy/needy/nagging wife. :p WIsh I could just let it go and let him do what he realy wants to do but darn it, Iget mad and just HAVE to say something.

Later in the morning I met with my mom and dad to go to a thrift store. That was OK. Not great but not too bad. Then I met up with my husband to go visit an elderly lady in our church who is in the hospital. Good news - we had heard she had a stroke but she appeared to be doing fairly well - just a little banged up by a fall. She is a sweetie and it was nice to see her. After that we went to the cemetary to visit the grave of my friend who was killed earlier this summer. I had not been to her grave before so it was a little tough going and seeing it. I'm glad I went though. Tomorrow I will take another friend there. Not many people know where her grave is and the friend I'm taking tomorrow was one of her closest friends. It is so heartbreaking to watch her husband and little boy grieve. It's still a really rough time for them and will be for some time I imagine.

Tonight I skipped church and went to visit a friend who has been having a real struggle with depression. Next week she will have ECT and I hate that she has to go through that. I am hoping and praying that it will help - not much else has.

My husband and a couple of members of the board met again tonight to discuss our medical coverage. Still not sure WHAT they're going to do but we DO know that they are going to cut our medical benefits. It would be easier to understand if the church were struggling financially but it is not. Oh well.... I'm too tired to even get ticked off with them tonight.

Just kind of a blah day. :(

[Velveteen Rabbit]

I hear you, Amber!!!!! Blah days are just....... icky! :(

I hope things look up for you tomorrow. *HUGS* Thanks for sharing.

Love,

VR

[Jerry]

Dear Amber,,,,
Blah Day??????Hmmmmm,,,,,I think the elderly lady had a better day because of you......Your friend with depression had a better day because of you....Blah Day????????,,,,,,maybe,,,,,,,but certinly not a wasted one..............
Love Jerry

[Theodora]

Dear Amber,,,,
Blah Day??????Hmmmmm,,,,,I think the elderly lady had a better day because of you......Your friend with depression had a better day because of you....Blah Day????????,,,,,,maybe,,,,,,,but certinly not a wasted one..............
Love Jerry

I agree with Jerry.....It seems to me that you did a very GOOD job of moving through a VERY stressful day. As I read your message, I really wished I could be there to hug you!

DO look at what you DID accomplish...including the hospital visit with your husband AND going to the grave of your friend---both VERY emotionally charged (and therefore DRAINING) events when you feel like putting yourself down for being too "needy!"

As I see it, your life is VERY scary right now--ESPECIALLY with the church cutting your medical coverage!!!--and it would be "nice" if your husband and you were more "together" in terms of being able to work this through as a couple. I've a few suspicions as to why that isn't happening....but they're just hunches and you probably have better insights!....DUH!!!....so I'll spare you that!

In any case, for you, for me....for many of us "in recovery" from whatever the need or trauma...it DOES seem to be the case that it is most LIKELY the case that those "closest" to us really CAN'T meet our need----for WHATEVER the reason. Sometimes, I think it's because they themselves are too overwhelmed, would LIKE to be able to "fix" things, but don't know how. I know that when I have felt MOST discouraged and most in need of just COMFORT and some "commiseration" as to how hard things are, my husband is most likely to meet that with ANGER--i.e. DENIAL of my feelings: "You are too getting better! Look at what you've been able to do."

Sooooooooo.....we may learn the hard way that our "near and dear" really AREN'T "getting it" as far as we're concerned. HENCE, the need for support groups, our OWN work on the recovery "journey," AND, even as you have done here, reaching out to find places where we CAN articulate and share what is going on with us with at least some hope that we ARE "understood."

Sweet ((((Child of God))))--- Know that I DO "hear" your fatigue, frustration and anger---AND discouragement---, that I DO care and that I will continue to keep you and yours in prayer.

You really are doing a very GOOD job of handling MANY complex and difficult issues! Thanks so much for sharing. I HAVE been thinking about you!

(((((((((((((AMBER)))))))))))))


Love,

Theodora

[Jerry]

Gude in obbin Thedora!!!! ;)
Love Jerry

[Amber]

Thanks for your replies. It was not a wasted day ... that would be the case if I did what I really wanted to do - lay on my couch and alternate between reading, snoozing and watching movies. :D Come to think of it, a day like that wouldn't be too bad. ;)

Theo you made me smile. When you said, "Sweet Child of God" all I could think of was the Guns and Roses song "Sweet Child of Mine". :D I'm sure you're not familiar with that song and its just as well. :) Though I used to sing it to my son when he was a baby - until my husband caught me and told me to stop "rocking" the baby.

Oh, I forgot to tell you about the funny part of my day yesterday. While I was at the thrift store with my mom and dad I was looking at coats. This man yelled "HEY!!!".

I stopped and turned around to see what all the fuss was about and lo and behold he was looking at me!

He then said, "TRY THIS ON!"

I looked confused and asked, "You mean me???"

"Yeah, if this will fit you it will fit my wife."

"Okay..."

He then slipped the coat, which was much too small, on me and was a bit disappointed when it didn't fit. Not to be dissuaded though he continued to try to stuff me into it. He finally gave up and I high-tailed it out of that department. :D

Interesting day at the thrift store.