I did it!

[bad girl]

WEll, I just wanted to share that I finally took the plunge and mailed my "remove my name" from the list! I feel such a huge burden lifted. Now I don't have to support them in any way. It is such a relief. It's taken a year to get the nerve. I'm afraid they will want a "meeting" with me. I was very visible, somewhat of a leader.

Another family just mailed theirs. My friend and I are now supporting each other in recovery from all this.

I am thankful that besides this forum, I now have a real person that knows the church well to work through this with. :)

THey have done a great deal of damage to both our families. WE are both changing our theology from a legalistic theology, which I see now causes nothing but a lot of messes and hurt families, to a new theology that God is soverign and that is not legalistic, but loving and compassionate. :)


Pat

[bad girl]

By the way, thanks all of you, Kerrin, Jerry, Jane, and the rest, I think this forum has helped me get the courage to walk away and stay away.

I'm not ready to leave the forum, just am on the road to recovery.

Pat

[Hope 98]

I'm not ready to leave the forum, just am on the road to recovery.

Pat

We wouldn't WANT you to leave the forum. And even if you do, you may want to come back once in a while. I always seem to!
:D

[Kerrin]

:D (((((((Pat)))))))),
You've made my day! So happy for you!
And ; Hope too! :)
Keep posting , you are always an encouragement to me in my corner of the world!
Especially at the moment!

Love
Kerrin ;)

[jjc9497]

Good for you!!!!!!! I remember our last Sunday. Our church had a bulletin board with pictures of all the members. The last thing I did before walking out the door was take our picture. The pastor's wife was also the church secretary. She had our name off the mailing list and prayer chain by Monday morning. I think she was more glad to see us leave than we were to go. Of course, they never asked for an exit interview----they were probably afraid we might decide to come back!!!!


Anyway---glad you can now REALLY be gone and start to work on getting over it.

[jane]

Pat,

congratulations! I am sure you will feel a sense of release, and relief....

jane

[bad girl]

Thanks, Y'all (yes, that's what we really say around here) for cheering me on. :D
My son still is in the youth group there (I had to go sunday since he did his trip presentation), and there are still LOTS of those annoying voices in my head that won't shut up, so I'll still be around and maybe one day, I'll just be here to encourage others.

I hope they don't ask for an exit interview. The hard part is, since my son is still there, I can't say what I want, which is #$%$#%$$%^$ :eek: :eek: I just have to be nice and keep my mouth shut.


Love,
Pat

[jane]

Pat,

If you get called in to an exit interview, just use the christianese that they taught you so well. Smile real holy and say in a soft, sweet voice,

"I believe that this is what the Lord is doing in my life right now. I don't feel released in this timing to share with anyone the work he is doing in me. Please keep us in your prayers."

jane

[bad girl]

Pat,

If you get called in to an exit interview, just use the christianese that they taught you so well. Smile real holy and say in a soft, sweet voice,

"I believe that this is what the Lord is doing in my life right now. I don't feel released in this timing to share with anyone the work he is doing in me. Please keep us in your prayers."

jane

Jane,
I love it! It's obvious you've been there done that somewhere.
I may have to memorize that line.
Patti

[Kerrin]

:( :confused:
How sweet it would have been to have an "exit interview"!
All Amy and I got was the cold shoulder/ "don't associate with them" , until it just became unbearable we slowly stopped going .......and no-one noticed ; after 10 years!
Kerrin :(

[bad girl]

kerrin,
Our last church before this did the same thing, after 10 years, nobody seemed to even notice, no interview or anything.

Nobody has contacted me this time either. I guess it's all over. :(

Pat

[Theodora]

:( :confused:
How sweet it would have been to have an "exit interview"!
All Amy and I got was the cold shoulder/ "don't associate with them" , until it just became unbearable we slowly stopped going .......and no-one noticed ; after 10 years!
Kerrin :(

I know that your experience has been much more negative than mine, but...as I've had various times of "moving on" and also grieved over the fact that no one seemed to notice (or care!)--- ESPECIALLY painful after giving a LOT of personal effort to the congregation, as you had done---I finally realized that at least PART of the problem was that there were so many problems in the congregation (and others were ALSO "moving on" ) that they had no way of knowing where they had lost yet another "sheep." (Hope you followed that convoluted sentence! I'll not stop to try to re-write that thought right now.)

My heart goes out to you and Amy, but I hope this awful experience won't deter you from trying to find someplace else where you CAN be supported and yes...where you can again take part in the Eucharist.

Blessings to you and yours this night. Are you thinking of going to church somewhere tomorrow??

Love and prayers--

Theodora

[Theodora]

...to acknowledge having read a bit in this thread. As I told Kerrin, my heart goes out to you too. (See my response to her for something of my experience in this area.)

(More "rambling" and long than I anticipated as I mused on a similar experience. Read at leisure, or not.... and my belated "welcome to the forum" to you! I'm sorry I've not been able to post much in response on this forum of late. There are "resonances" here in my own life, and I've been grateful for what you've shared of your experience.)

FWIW, I think this situation is analogous to the kind of response you may receive (or NOT) after serious illness or a death in the family etc. Though we'd hope for something better from our "friends," people are frequently VERY limited in knowing HOW to "respond," not knowing "what to say"---or, perhaps hoping that it's not really their "place" to respond, thereby saving themselves the "complication" of???? perhaps "guilt by association?" I don't know....

What HAS seemed to be true out of my experience is that the more JUSTICE you have on your side...i.e. the MORE you are "right" in your perception that you were NOT treated fairly and that things should NOT have happened as they did...the LESS likely you are to receive the kind of healing response you might hope for, be it ever so simple a statement like "I'm sorry!"

I'm in the process of trying to "re-engage" at one of "my" churches which just now has a new rector. Three weeks ago, I "girded up my loins" to return to a regular service there (where I assumed I would see some people who had previously given me "grief,") in order to say goodbye to the interim pastor at her last service. (Complications continue and I'm not sure what I'll "do" from here, so your prayers appreciated for that.)

In any case, though I didn't know this woman very well, I will always bless the memory of someone who DID smile at seeing me there, greeted me with a hug as she and her husband were leaving AND, in response to my saying "It's been a long year..." just said...."Yes, I KNOW. I KNOW!"

End of story....sort of. On the other hand, there was a person I had previously regarded as a "friend," who could barely talk to me...seemed REALLY uncomfortable/embarrassed etc.....and who carefully avoided ANY mention of my not having been there in some time. So...we played a kind of "game" of "chit-chat" about "other things"---while inwardly, my chest tightened at the awakened grief of it all.

How is it possible that we think we're doing things "right"---whether out of our own call to "serve" or whatever or in response to congregational need---and have things go SO wrong for us?

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh!

PAINFUL indeed. It's HEALTHY, however, that you HAVE been able to assess where YOUR needs were not being met and to move on. Good for you!!! Grieve your losses, but stay the course!

Theodora

--


kerrin,
Our last church before this did the same thing, after 10 years, nobody seemed to even notice, no interview or anything.

Nobody has contacted me this time either. I guess it's all over. :(

Pat

[Kerrin]

:(
((((((Pat)))))),
It hurts doesn't it?
When you 'love' them, and do give so much, only to be treated worse than a Leper; at least Jesus healed them ,( well, most), the rest copped the same abuse as us I guess.
Stick us on a desert Island somewhere. :confused:
One day I'll understand.

Theodora; to answer your question.I have attempted to attend Church every Sunday for the last 4 weeks.
Saturday night comes ,I set my alarm to get up .........and I panic/have an anxiety attack! :eek:
So, it's Saturday night again, I yearn to go tomorrow, but I know I won't. :(

Feel for you Pat, I really do,
Love
Kerrin :o

[bad girl]

Kerrin,

I understand what you're saying. I had an upset stomach every sunday, but is there any church where you feel peace and warmth? If not that, is there a place you feel safe, like a huge church with so many people you can get lost in the crowd?

Even if you have to overcome the anxiety, you can do it. :D I have had to deal with that a lot this year, but if I know in my head that this is safe, I force myself to work through the anxiety.

One problem I am having is that I cannot trust. I am so afraid I'll be hurt, I withdraw. I am having to force myself to take chances again.

Theodora,
I've learned one thing, and based on your note, I understand too, if someone is missing, I'll just be bold and ask them if they're OK. I am too having the chit chat, nothings wrong treatment, and I'd rather they ask.

Pat

[Kerrin]

Kerrin,

I understand what you're saying. I had an upset stomach every sunday, but is there any church where you feel peace and warmth? If not that, is there a place you feel safe, like a huge church with so many people you can get lost in the crowd?

Even if you have to overcome the anxiety, you can do it. :D I have had to deal with that a lot this year, but if I know in my head that this is safe, I force myself to work through the anxiety.

You are right ! I can! I will ! I 'm aiming for this coming Sunday to take my leap back in...........

One problem I am having is that I cannot trust. I am so afraid I'll be hurt, I withdraw. I am having to force myself to take chances again.

As I said in my other post about shaking off the grave clothes, I don't know if I will EVER trust again , but I realise I can't let that paralyse me anymore!


Theodora,
I've learned one thing, and based on your note, I understand too, if someone is missing, I'll just be bold and ask them if they're OK. I am too having the chit chat, nothings wrong treatment, and I'd rather they ask.
Pat

Why don't THEY ask?? That's the part that hurts so much; how can they knowingly ignore someone and 'see' the pain, and just turn away? How do they sleep at night?? :( :confused:

Thankyou, for sharing and for the encouragement!
I need it,
Love
Kerrin ;)

[Janice]

Why don't THEY ask?? That's the part that hurts so much; how can they knowingly ignore someone and 'see' the pain, and just turn away? How do they sleep at night??

I remember when I first hurt my back in last Oct. I was literally "on the floor" for two straight weeks.
The pastor from the church I work for, called & prayed with me SEVERAL times. MY pastor????....not 1 phone call or visit. :mad:

Yep..it hurts alright!

Well...I skipped church again this week. I don't think I'm going to be able to "bounce back" from this one I'm afraid.

I know I'm not the only one with problems. I know I'm not the only one.

Just feels like I am, and I a, just soooooooo very tired of fighting!!

I just woke up from a dream. I had to run a five mile run for some reason. (don't remember why). I woke up and all I remember is the "running" part.

No shit! I didn't need a dream to realize I've been running.

[InTheory]

WEll, I just wanted to share that I finally took the plunge and mailed my "remove my name" from the list! I feel such a huge burden lifted. Now I don't have to support them in any way. It is such a relief. It's taken a year to get the nerve. I'm afraid they will want a "meeting" with me. I was very visible, somewhat of a leader.

Another family just mailed theirs. My friend and I are now supporting each other in recovery from all this.

I am thankful that besides this forum, I now have a real person that knows the church well to work through this with. :)

THey have done a great deal of damage to both our families. WE are both changing our theology from a legalistic theology, which I see now causes nothing but a lot of messes and hurt families, to a new theology that God is soverign and that is not legalistic, but loving and compassionate. :)


Pat

Good for you Pat!!!

I just received a great bit of closure on my "situation" today. I was able to cut the tie on the last bit of "business" that linked me with the pastor that I left.

And it felt GREAT!

Every day that I am away from the system (it's been 63 days) I feel an even greater sense of freedom, and the feeling that "anything can happen"! (in a good way).

God bless you!

Dan

[jane]

Every day that I am away from the system (it's been 63 days) I feel an even greater sense of freedom, and the feeling that "anything can happen"! (in a good way).


that is exactly how we have been feeling- like the whole world is open to us, we can do so much and be so much. It is total freedom. The condemnation is gone, the schedule that keep us sooooo busy, all gone... total freedom to enjoy our family time and catch up with worldly friends...hehe

back from vacation I see?? We haven't left yet, soon very soon....2 weeks away, you will all miss me. (god told me so....lol)

jane

[InTheory]

that is exactly how we have been feeling- like the whole world is open to us, we can do so much and be so much. It is total freedom. The condemnation is gone, the schedule that keep us sooooo busy, all gone... total freedom to enjoy our family time and catch up with worldly friends...hehe

back from vacation I see?? We haven't left yet, soon very soon....2 weeks away, you will all miss me. (god told me so....lol)

jane

Amen to that!

Yes, we got back from vacation last night-great trip, and lots of fun!

And it was REALLY cool not to come back to some catastrophe in email or voice mail (every time that we went on vacation before some major church hijinx would ensue whenever we were gone, it would seem).

So I just had to deal with the NORMAL stuff of "back to work, end of month coming up, no one did anything while I was gone."

That stuff I can DEAL with... :D :D :D


Dan