Learning to trust
07-10-2005, 04:05 PM
Not sure why I am posting... Not sure that I should... Not sure that it will be helpful to myself or to anyone else for that matter... and yet, my heart feels compelled...
I used to participate regularly on these forums. I have met some really special people ... people that have made a huge impact on my life and to my healing... It is interesting to reflect on the power of compassion.
I remember being at a conference many years ago where R.C. Sproul was talking about *people* ... people in our lives that have made a lasting impression ... some good ... and some not so good...
He talked about a time where he was challenged to come up with five of the most encouraging things that have ever been said to him ... and to think about how that has made an impact on his life ... and then too... to think about five of the most hurtful things that have ever been said to him ... and too, how *that* has impacted his life...
One of the interesting things about this exercise was to realize that some of the most encouraging things that have been said to us have come from sources that are surprising. Maybe it was an English teacher … or a counselor at school … or even a one line response to a heartfelt post that left a person feeling unheard and/or uncared for…
And too… how, sadly, some of the most hurtful things ever said to us have come from the people closest to us… people that would be devastated to know how deep and lasting the cut and gouge of their words have been. Often, we have no idea what our words accomplish … even when we are trying our best to encourage and to love.
I think back to all the times my little mind and heart clung to the phrase, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me…” and my heart cries… I *wish* that were true, but it was (and continues to be) a lie.
All abuse hurts. All abuse leaves it’s poisonous infection within our bodies and minds and spirits. My body remembers the impact of the blows from my *Dad’s* hands, belts, sticks, branches, rubber hoses, telephone cords, the feel of his kicks … My heart remembers the look in his eyes, the energy in his wrath… and the impact of his aggression. My spirit is crippled. It doesn’t know how to walk in grace. It’s hard to rest in it … it is hard to trust it. My spirit often *wishes so badly* that my Dad would have just finished the job and put me out of my misery … because the effects of abuse often continue, kind of like compounding interest… It is so sad.
Some people have said that our bodies can mend … a broken bone heals. And that is true to some extent… but, abusive physical damage that has come from the very hands that were intended to love and nurture and protect you is different from the broken bones and bruising that comes accidentally ... unfortunate circumstances … *very* different.
It is hard for my body and my spirit to take in the reality of a *Gracious God*, of a *Loving Father*. It is hard for me to imagine much less *rest in* the idea of being a *dearly beloved child* … It is hard to amagine and trust that God’s mood toward me is not of vengeance and rage … ready to strike thunderous blows to the side of my head for the slightest mistake or childishness…
To be a *child* was never safe, yet Jesus says for us to come like little children. The little child that is within … who is being called to Jesus through His word is afraid. She mistakes the eyes and the heart of her earthly father and the eyes and the heart of the condemning church she grew up in as the eyes and the heart of the One that calls her to come.
Some parts of me are still scared to death of God. Some parts of me hold very high regard for Who He is and what He says … for His written word… Some parts of me know that I am tangled, upside down, backwards and inside out in my understanding of Who He really is and What He really says along with what He means… A part of me goes into panic even at the *thought* of God’s word…
Even so, today, by God’s incomprehensible Grace, there is a part of me that rests in His hold … in His embrace … in His compassion … in His care … in His patience … in His humility … in His kindness … in His gentleness … His *LOVE*…
My earliest and longest experiences have come from people that have been filled with shame and fear and guilt ... Shame and Fear and Guilt have been a channel of Shame and Fear and Guilt... Grace and Humility and Love ... are a channel of Grace and Humility and Love... and there is power in God's grace and humility and His love... may I be a channel of it to my children and to others...
Yesterday I heard someone say that we cannot love others unconditionally intil we have been loved unconditionally. Today, I know that intimately ... and I am thankful for the ways I can see my children through grace, humility and love rather than fear and shame and guilt.
It is true that it is only within and through safe, healthy, healing relationships that we can have new experiences to replaceand counter the effects of damaging, unhealthy, abusive ones.
I am thankful for all the ways that the National Association for Christian Recovery has impacted my life while here and for eternity.
My mind, heart, and spirit have experienced the beauty of God’s *grace* and the power of God’s love in ways I have never known before my crash and burn 6 years ago. I am thankful for all of the resources that I find here. I am thankful for the daily meditations … Rooted in God’s Love… how *amazing and sweet* the grace is that I encountered through it’s pages.
Thank you, Dale and Juanita for being real … and for sharing that realness with others along the path. Thank you for being a channel of God’s healing love and grace … Thank you.
Grace and peace to us all… learning to trust
Sunday, July 10, 2005
I used to participate regularly on these forums. I have met some really special people ... people that have made a huge impact on my life and to my healing... It is interesting to reflect on the power of compassion.
I remember being at a conference many years ago where R.C. Sproul was talking about *people* ... people in our lives that have made a lasting impression ... some good ... and some not so good...
He talked about a time where he was challenged to come up with five of the most encouraging things that have ever been said to him ... and to think about how that has made an impact on his life ... and then too... to think about five of the most hurtful things that have ever been said to him ... and too, how *that* has impacted his life...
One of the interesting things about this exercise was to realize that some of the most encouraging things that have been said to us have come from sources that are surprising. Maybe it was an English teacher … or a counselor at school … or even a one line response to a heartfelt post that left a person feeling unheard and/or uncared for…
And too… how, sadly, some of the most hurtful things ever said to us have come from the people closest to us… people that would be devastated to know how deep and lasting the cut and gouge of their words have been. Often, we have no idea what our words accomplish … even when we are trying our best to encourage and to love.
I think back to all the times my little mind and heart clung to the phrase, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me…” and my heart cries… I *wish* that were true, but it was (and continues to be) a lie.
All abuse hurts. All abuse leaves it’s poisonous infection within our bodies and minds and spirits. My body remembers the impact of the blows from my *Dad’s* hands, belts, sticks, branches, rubber hoses, telephone cords, the feel of his kicks … My heart remembers the look in his eyes, the energy in his wrath… and the impact of his aggression. My spirit is crippled. It doesn’t know how to walk in grace. It’s hard to rest in it … it is hard to trust it. My spirit often *wishes so badly* that my Dad would have just finished the job and put me out of my misery … because the effects of abuse often continue, kind of like compounding interest… It is so sad.
Some people have said that our bodies can mend … a broken bone heals. And that is true to some extent… but, abusive physical damage that has come from the very hands that were intended to love and nurture and protect you is different from the broken bones and bruising that comes accidentally ... unfortunate circumstances … *very* different.
It is hard for my body and my spirit to take in the reality of a *Gracious God*, of a *Loving Father*. It is hard for me to imagine much less *rest in* the idea of being a *dearly beloved child* … It is hard to amagine and trust that God’s mood toward me is not of vengeance and rage … ready to strike thunderous blows to the side of my head for the slightest mistake or childishness…
To be a *child* was never safe, yet Jesus says for us to come like little children. The little child that is within … who is being called to Jesus through His word is afraid. She mistakes the eyes and the heart of her earthly father and the eyes and the heart of the condemning church she grew up in as the eyes and the heart of the One that calls her to come.
Some parts of me are still scared to death of God. Some parts of me hold very high regard for Who He is and what He says … for His written word… Some parts of me know that I am tangled, upside down, backwards and inside out in my understanding of Who He really is and What He really says along with what He means… A part of me goes into panic even at the *thought* of God’s word…
Even so, today, by God’s incomprehensible Grace, there is a part of me that rests in His hold … in His embrace … in His compassion … in His care … in His patience … in His humility … in His kindness … in His gentleness … His *LOVE*…
My earliest and longest experiences have come from people that have been filled with shame and fear and guilt ... Shame and Fear and Guilt have been a channel of Shame and Fear and Guilt... Grace and Humility and Love ... are a channel of Grace and Humility and Love... and there is power in God's grace and humility and His love... may I be a channel of it to my children and to others...
Yesterday I heard someone say that we cannot love others unconditionally intil we have been loved unconditionally. Today, I know that intimately ... and I am thankful for the ways I can see my children through grace, humility and love rather than fear and shame and guilt.
It is true that it is only within and through safe, healthy, healing relationships that we can have new experiences to replaceand counter the effects of damaging, unhealthy, abusive ones.
I am thankful for all the ways that the National Association for Christian Recovery has impacted my life while here and for eternity.
My mind, heart, and spirit have experienced the beauty of God’s *grace* and the power of God’s love in ways I have never known before my crash and burn 6 years ago. I am thankful for all of the resources that I find here. I am thankful for the daily meditations … Rooted in God’s Love… how *amazing and sweet* the grace is that I encountered through it’s pages.
Thank you, Dale and Juanita for being real … and for sharing that realness with others along the path. Thank you for being a channel of God’s healing love and grace … Thank you.
Grace and peace to us all… learning to trust
Sunday, July 10, 2005