View Full Version : Is this worth it?
09-28-2004, 08:58 AM
Sometimes I get in a "zone", kind of like what you hear long distance runners experience, where I've been pushing and pushing to get to a certain speed and pace, in this case a certain level of healthiness, and for awhile I am just cruising. Then it's like, what runners experience, I hit this wall.
And all this stuff I thought I left behind back there, old triggers and insecurities and fears of rejection, are like staring me in the face, and I'm like, God do I have to go through this AGAIN? I thought I worked through all this crap already over and over again. It gets so tiring sometimes because I know there is still other stuff I still have to work through, up ahead, so why do I have to deal again with the old stuff?????
And I feel like I'm stuck. I can't go forward. I have to just stand there and kind of like, it's more like a heap of garbage blocking my path, than it is a wall. Because I feel like I have to sift through every stinking rotten thing in the garbage heap before I can go forward. But it's like, "Haven't I already sifted through this dump once before?? (or twice, or three times???)"
Does anyone else experience this? How do you keep going without getting totally discouraged???? Right now I feel like I am going in circles, going over and over again back to the same old garbage heap I THOUGHT I dealt with months ago. Like all this time I thought I was on a straight path towards a destination, but find out I'm on a circular track.
Stuff like this makes me want to put my whole life on hold until I work through everything. But shoot that could take a life time. So does that mean I never get married, never buy a house, never have a family, because I don't want to bring this garbage with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
09-28-2004, 11:42 AM
Dear Pinkie Pie,
I sounds like you are experiencing much of what I have (and still am) experiencing - and let me say, "You are normal!" Considering what you have been through, you are going through a normal part of the journey. I have spent the past 8 years with times of healthiness where I thought "Hey, I think I'm almost all better!" only to suddenly be thrown into "the pit of the past."
Now, it's 8 years later and if you've read my story and my update (the 'stench' post), you know that it all came back at me again just recently. I can joyfully say that though I was thrown into panic the first couple of days, I found that I have grown healthy enough and strong enough to say, "You people aren't taking me there!"
That experience has helped more than any other to know that I am well on the road to recovery. You are, too. Just know that every time it cycles through, you are moving through the process and it is "normal" for you to experience this.
Good for you!
09-28-2004, 03:33 PM
I'll have to scroll down and find your 'stench' post. The name alone sounds like exactly what I'm dealing with. I like your attitude of "You aren't taking me back there." That's the way I need to be!
09-28-2004, 03:48 PM
Okay I found both posts and read them. Wow what a mess you went through. Which makes your approach all the more inspiring because it is so healthy and confident. It gives me confidence just to read it. How sad that there is so much division among the worship team! (if I understood your posts correctly.) That really hit home with me - it sounds EXACTLY like some of the stuff I went through at my spiritually abusive church, only yours was on a much larger scale.
My pastor at that church had given me (so I thought) the freedom to "be led by the Holy Spirit" as to what the worship team would sing on a given service. (I was also a worship leader.) Well I will never forget, how one day he was not in the sanctuary for the worship part of the service, (very common for him), and then while we were doing some slow tempo songs, he walked in and barks across the room "It sounds like a funeral in here!" and insisted (in front of everyone) that we change to some "fast" and "lively" songs. I was devastated. I managed to maintain my composure for a few minutes, long enough to switch gears with the team (a small group, not that that matters), and then in the middle of worship I walked out, went into the restroom, and broke down. I felt so violated. Like here I was, exposing my heart in front of everyone, and the pastor did that.
09-28-2004, 06:27 PM
Hi Pinkie, and yeah, I think everyone here knows EXACTLY what you mean by feeling like you've "done it" ... and then back you go!
Have you ever seen Shrek? Well, one of the things he talks about is how we are like onions, and just when you've gont one layer under control then here comes the next one! grrrr!!!! argh!!!! ... sigh....
So, totally how I've experienced it. sigh. Just hang in there and make lots of knots as needed! :rolleyes: :o
09-28-2004, 07:55 PM
So does that mean I never get married, never buy a house, never have a family, because I don't want to bring this garbage with me!!!!!!!!!!!!![/QUOTE]
Nope not at all!!!!!!,,,,Christ said,,,"My burden is light,My yolk is easy",,,,He also said,,,,,,"Pick up your cross and follow me" I think the point is that we will always have "Garbage"............No,,,you will do all those things while singing,,,"Stick out yer can!!!!!!Here comes the Garbage Man!!!!" :rolleyes: My three sons and one daughter are all grown and on their own now,,,,and I'll let you in on Gods little joke,,,,,,,all the time I was raising them,,,,,I was growing up too ;) If you tell them I said that,,,,,,I'll deny it!!!!! :D
09-29-2004, 09:18 AM
three sons and one daughter are all grown and on their own now,,,,and I'll let you in on Gods little joke,,,,,,,all the time I was raising them,,,,,I was growing up too ;) If you tell them I said that,,,,,,I'll deny it!!!!! :D
That's cool. I like that. Sure takes the pressure off. :p
09-29-2004, 09:21 AM
I saw Shrek II. Seems like they said the same thing in that one - or else I heard it somewhere else. But you're right, that's true. So I guess we are all a bunch of onions walking around in various stages of being peeled! (And come to think of it, you know how peeling onions can make you "cry"....!) :rolleyes:
09-29-2004, 11:53 AM
There are three things you need to know to find balance in this flesh life,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,1,,and most important,,,,,find a reason to laugh every day,,,,,,,2,,remember that kindness goes further than Honesty,,,,,and three,,,Hehehehe Don't get too personally involved in your own life :D
09-29-2004, 02:25 PM
I like those - especially the 3rd one since that seems to be what I am most guilty of!!! I'm going to practice that for one week and see how it goes.....(that's what I do when I am going to try some new way of looking at things or doing things, and the thought of doing it is too scary, so I just try it for one week to see how it goes.) :p Not that you asked..... :rolleyes:
09-29-2004, 07:19 PM
Don't get too personally involved in your own life :D Love Jerry
Jerry, I agree with Pinkie!! Great piece of wisdom here! Thanks! :D
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