Having the "I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up" blues

[AugustRose]

Hello all....

I am currently facing a monthly "involuntary vacation" from work until October 21.(I work doing market surveys and they have no jobs for us until then, so they laid us off until then) All this time is giving me too much time to think. :/
I'm looking into my life and why I keep on procrastinating about important things. Things like moving out and growing up and being independent. I just don't understand why I put it off so long. Even when I factor in all of the challenges that kept me living at home as long as I did, I still don't get it. But even writing that, I know that that's not true. Because the root cause of all my procrastination is fear.
There... I said it. Just plain ol' fear. And a majorly critical voice inside of me that doesn't help the fear but just contaminates things further. I see all of these things that I need to do in my life that most people seem to have done already at my age(I'm 29) and the fact that I am just starting out scares me.
I'm looking into creative writing programs and classes in hope of being a published poet one day. Just the contemplation of doing that scares me. I have no excuses either. I'm a part of a church now that actively nurtures the work of artists and poets, and despite it's small size is seeking to be even more intentional in that regard. Poetry is read as part of the Sunday service on a fairly regular basis, and visual art is often used as a part of the worship experience.
Have any of you ever read the Julia Cameron book on "creative recovery" for artists, called "The Artist's Way". She's not a Christian, per se, but alot of her stuff on creativity and spirituality is really good. She has you do this program of disciplined 15 minute streamofconsciousness writing called "morning pages" and other exercises designed to nurture your inner artist.
I think that my inner artist is very scared and afraid of criticism right now. There's this huge voice inside of me that says:"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT'S NOT PRACTICAL. THAT'S NOT USEFULL. THAT MAKES NO SENSE....." and on and on it goes. I know where that voice comes from too. My mom :mad: :(
Well... I've had enough of that voice.
I'm going to post separately a poem that I wrote in response to an online poetry assignment. I think I'm going to try to write something every day. Anyway, this pretty expresses where I am right now in terms of the artistic process and with recovery.
Thanks for letting me share.

[AugustRose]

. Write a poem about your relationship with writing or with words. One way would be to focus on a metaphor about words or writing--an act or an object (say, knives and cutting). Search for the emotional quality of the act or object.

WordSmith

On the anvil
Melting, being formed
Molten lava
Messy madness being born
As I’m seeking for that perfect word
That perfect turn of phrase

I am living with the consequences of words
Word that are spoken
Words that are thought
Words that are broken
Words that are bought
Word that are formed on the anvil
Of time and tears and rhymes
And not much else

They live in me, the words
These words I embrace
These words I reject
These words that I scrupulously select
These words that keep me up at night
Reading by the nightlight
With the covers coming over me
Cocoons me in the words I seek
To go escape the words

The words before the anvil
Are traffic on the brain
Are chalky murky water
Of the indifferent or insane
Are staring at me on this white page
As I go against the grain
And write these words.

[Nakisha]

August Rose, I hope you will follow your dream to write. I am so uncreative that I really admire people who have that talent. One of my friends draws for Pixar and he was telling me that he tells young artists that that have a thousand bad drawings in them....that they need to keep on drawing, over and over again until the good ones come out. He said it took him awhile to get to where he is now but it has been worth it. I hope you don't give up but just keep writing and using that God given talent. I am still trying to figure out what my God given talent is......I know He gives good gifts.....just hard to see sometimes.

I also read your post about your relationship with your mom. It is something I can't understand but wow, you seem to be handling it in such a great way. Seems like God is really growing you up......I don't think it matters how old we are when it happens. I feel like I have been trying to play catch up with the rest of my peers and the harder I try, that farther behind I get. I am learning to just be me and accept the process. You hang in there AR and know that someone here really appreciates your talent and maturity. Nakisha/reader

[AugustRose]

.... for the encouraging words, and for reminding me I'm not alone. :)
You know, that thing you said about people needing to get all the "bad" drawings out of them before they get to the good reminds me an awful lot of stuff that Julia Cameron writes in her Artists Way book.
Now, I'm going to order her new book Vein of Gold... seems like it's just what the doctor ordered for my little inner artist child.
For anyone interested in what Vein of Gold is about I am posting a link to it in a separate post.

Take care, Nakisha. :)

[Theodora]

Thanks SO very much for your update AND, especially, for sharing your poem with us. I LOVE it! :) I really think that you DO have a gift for expression and that this dream of being published would be one you should pursue.

I liked Nakisha's quote about needing to try things out.....sort of reminded me of some thoughts I've heard from Thomas Edison re "failure" etc. I just did a brief "Google search" and came up with THIS list, which I liked.....

http://quotations.about.com/od/stillmorefamouspeople/a/ThomasEdison3.htm

Overcoming Failure: Thomas Edison Quotes
I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.

Friendship: Thomas Edison Quotes
I have friends in overalls whose friendship I would not swap for the favor of the kings of the world.

Funny: Thomas Edison Quotes
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Overcoming Failure: Thomas Edison Quotes
Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Perseverance, Persistence: Thomas Edison Quotes
Nearly every man who develops an idea works at it up to the point where it looks impossible, and then gets discouraged. That's not the place to become discouraged.

Funny: Thomas Edison Quotes
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

Overcoming Failure: Thomas Edison Quotes
Show me a thoroughly satisfied man, and I will show you a failure.

Good luck to you, dear one! All of this is VERY scary....no matter WHAT your age or experience!!! However, by continuing to push THROUGH our fear, we become that much stronger--and more SKILLED--in how to use and develop our talents ANYWAY!

One last "aside" and that is that your post also reminded me of the work of Sidney and Suzanne Simon, 2 of whose workshops I attended some years ago. In the one on self-esteem, I remember them stressing that it is ONLY through being able to RISK in these areas of fear that we really DO develop a sense of our ability to handle things, so that we can move past our fear. BADLY paraphrased, I'm sure.

If interested, they've written what I think are really helpful books. (Sidney Simon is a practicing psychologist; His wife is a survivor of sexual abuse and contributed personal perspective to their workshops. A POWERFUL team!)

Love and prayers--

Theodora

[Jerry]

Dear Rose,,,,,
Growing up???? :confused: What does that mean???? I remember that when I was in my early 20s ,,,the things I believed,,,,,the concepts I spouted were mostly beside the point...Now that I am in my late 50s I understand that I can choose to behave in a way that can effect if not the outcome,,,,,,at least the charactor of my life....So what is my point????????,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I also believed that then :D
Love Jerry