when will the pain stop bleeding?

[jane]

When I look into the mirror I see eyes looking back at me,
eyes holding shadows of secrets that can't really be....

Lord, hold my heart and stop this pain,
I am bleeding again, it feels like rain,
when will the pain stop bleeding,
when will my heart stop needing?

The ache is growing new each day,
I remember events in a different way,

Lord, hold my hand and led me on,
another sleepless night here is upon,
when will the pain stop bleeding,
when will my heart stop needing?

When I was looking for you, I found a reproduction,
I worshipped man and was trapped in his seduction.

Lord, hold my head and stop this pain,
I am hurting again and I feel insane,
when will the pain stop bleeding,
when will my heart stop needing?

When I was looking for your word, I was sold a lie,
I trusted that false prophet and can't tell you why.

Lord, hold my dreams they're fading fast,
becoming distant memories of my past,
when will the pain stop bleeding,
when will my heart stop needing?


Looking in the mirror, I see eyes looking back at me,
looking for remnants of what used to be,
are you there Lord,
still abiding in me?

your faithful rose

[Reg]

Jane,

Absolutely beautiful to be able to put so much into so few words. What a gift. I can see how you and Alice could be very good friends. Did you read her poems on her website? Sure to bring tears to your eyes.

[Voyager]

Jane,

Awesome poem! I have found that it really helps to put your experience into words. If it helps any, know that your symptoms are absolutely normal for victims who have left high-demand groups. Here are a few of them:

Enormous Feelings of Betrayal

Feeling of Spiritual Rape of the Soul

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder1

Trauma becomes crystallized a few days after a traumatic event, such as exiting a cult. Several of a cluster of symptoms can develop, including spontaneous crying, suicidal thoughts, emotional numbing, phobias, social withdrawal, flashbacks, amnesia, anxiety, depression, shame, guilt, self-loathing, fear of going insane.

Identity Confusion/disorientation

The pre-cult personality--or real self--struggles with the in-cult personality that was imposed by the cult. There can be difficulty integrating the cultic world with the outside world.

Dissociation

Not being in touch with reality or those around them; inability to communicate.

Floating (a.k.a. trancing out)

Getting triggered into cult mode, flashbacks into the cult mind-set; thoughts of returning to the cult

Panic and Anxiety Attacks

Obsessive Thoughts

Depression

Psychosomatic Symptoms

Head/backaches, asthma, skin rash, lethargy

Problems or Inability in Making Decisions

Because of the dependency fostered by the cult

Inability to Concentrate

With short-term memory loss

Fear

"What if I am wrong?" "What if harmful events actually do happen?" "I can't ever be happy outside the group." "What if I run into a present member?" Includes phobias & fear of going crazy because of "floating"

Grief & Sense of Loss

Grieving loss of innocence, idealism, spirituality, self, pride; sense of purpose, meaning and belonging in life; support system; friends and family lost in cult; loss of time, goals and youth

Guilt/Shame

For getting involved, for the people they recruited, things done while in the group; for leaving

Lack of Trust

Of group situations; deep suspicions about others motives and attitudes

Intense Loneliness

Strong and unique bonds were forged in the cult

Sense of Purposelessness & Disconnection

Missing the peak experiences of the group

Sense of Isolation/Alienation

"No one understands what I am going through."

Overly Critical of Oneself and Others

Due to incorporating the harsh attitudes of the cult leader

Seeing Everything in Black and White

Cults do not teach to look for the gray areas

Problems Having Boundaries

Boundaries were violated time and again in the cult until one lost sense of which boundaries were appropriate

Feelings of Inferiority and Worthlessness

Cult leaders continually blame members

Sleep Disorders

Including nightmares and insomnia

Eating Disorders

Sexuality Problems

Fear of Intimacy and Commitment

Harassment and Threats

Anger or Rage

Toward the group and leader; towards oneself; suppression of anger in the cult actually contributed to depression and sense of helplessness

Problems with Career or Employment

Because of years in the cult; lost job opportunities, etc.

Family Issues

Spiritual (or philosophical) issues

Impatience with the Recovery Process

Compiled by Dee and Mike
Exit & Support Network™

1 Some professionals have stated that cult life does not always cause complex post traumatic stress disorder, although at times it certainly does (especially with those who were in any of the totalistic, abusive Herbert Armstrong groups). Involvement can also cause "anxiety in re-socialization." Diagnosis depends on the individual symptoms that appear, not one's experience. Competent counseling is recommended when the former member is having difficulty in recovering.

Link (http://home.datawest.net/esn-recovery/artcls/emotdiff.htm)

You are not alone Jane. Keep up the great recovery work. You are a great writer, and you articulate your thoughts into words very effectively. Your poem could be the lyrics of a great song.

:cool:

[Voyager]

I might add that I have experienced many of the symptoms listed above - especially during the first four years after exiting the cult I was in. However, due to educating myself and being a part of this forum - most of those symptoms have now dissipated.

I have abandoned the ideas of who God is based on what I was taught in the cult. I believe that this has been the catalyst to my recovery. For me to hold on to what I was taught in the cult would allow the cult to still control me. I have absolutely no preconceived ideas of who God is, and I am letting Him take care of re-teaching me if He wants to. By letting go of my ideas of what God should be doing in my life has freed me from the grief that occurs when these things don't happen. I figure I am just going to let God be God and I am just going to be who I am, not what the cult made me.

It takes years to strip yourself of the baggage that was taken on during cult involvement. Some people never let go of it, and for them I truly feel sorry. It is not an easy task to accomplish. Another key for me has been finding new friends who have no cult involvement whatsoever. They just accept me for who I am, not what my religion is or what church I attend.

:cool:

[jane]

Enormous Feelings of Betrayal

Feeling of Spiritual Rape of the Soul

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder1

Trauma becomes crystallized a few days after a traumatic event, such as exiting a cult. Several of a cluster of symptoms can develop, including spontaneous crying, suicidal thoughts, emotional numbing, phobias, social withdrawal, flashbacks, amnesia, anxiety, depression, shame, guilt, self-loathing, fear of going insane.

Identity Confusion/disorientation

The pre-cult personality--or real self--struggles with the in-cult personality that was imposed by the cult. There can be difficulty integrating the cultic world with the outside world.

Dissociation

Not being in touch with reality or those around them; inability to communicate.

Floating (a.k.a. trancing out)

Getting triggered into cult mode, flashbacks into the cult mind-set; thoughts of returning to the cult

Panic and Anxiety Attacks

Obsessive Thoughts

Depression

Psychosomatic Symptoms

Head/backaches, asthma, skin rash, lethargy

Problems or Inability in Making Decisions

Because of the dependency fostered by the cult

Inability to Concentrate

With short-term memory loss

Fear

"What if I am wrong?" "What if harmful events actually do happen?" "I can't ever be happy outside the group." "What if I run into a present member?" Includes phobias & fear of going crazy because of "floating"

Grief & Sense of Loss

Grieving loss of innocence, idealism, spirituality, self, pride; sense of purpose, meaning and belonging in life; support system; friends and family lost in cult; loss of time, goals and youth

Guilt/Shame

For getting involved, for the people they recruited, things done while in the group; for leaving

Lack of Trust

Of group situations; deep suspicions about others motives and attitudes

Intense Loneliness

Strong and unique bonds were forged in the cult

Sense of Purposelessness & Disconnection

Missing the peak experiences of the group

Sense of Isolation/Alienation

"No one understands what I am going through."

Overly Critical of Oneself and Others

Due to incorporating the harsh attitudes of the cult leader

Seeing Everything in Black and White

Cults do not teach to look for the gray areas

Problems Having Boundaries

Boundaries were violated time and again in the cult until one lost sense of which boundaries were appropriate

Feelings of Inferiority and Worthlessness

Cult leaders continually blame members

Sleep Disorders

Including nightmares and insomnia

Eating Disorders

Sexuality Problems

Fear of Intimacy and Commitment

Harassment and Threats

Anger or Rage

Toward the group and leader; towards oneself; suppression of anger in the cult actually contributed to depression and sense of helplessness

Problems with Career or Employment

Because of years in the cult; lost job opportunities, etc.

Family Issues

Spiritual (or philosophical) issues

Impatience with the Recovery Process

Compiled by Dee and Mike
Exit & Support Network™

1 Some professionals have stated that cult life does not always cause complex post traumatic stress disorder, although at times it certainly does (especially with those who were in any of the totalistic, abusive Herbert Armstrong groups). Involvement can also cause "anxiety in re-socialization." Diagnosis depends on the individual symptoms that appear, not one's experience. Competent counseling is recommended when the former member is having difficulty in recovering.



Voyager, I don't know if I quoted that all correctly, but thanks for sharing this. This was EXTREMELY helpful for me. I recognized some other symptoms as well.....


Are we allowed to download or print stuff off of here. I'd like to carry that list around with me to remind me...sometimes I worry myself. Like when at 3 a.m. I am up late worrying about "where am I supposed to go from here?"

I spent my whole life with goals, going after them and achieving them. Now, I just don't know what my goals are. My husband is content with "just being for today"; I guess my survival method has always included having a plan of action.

anyway at 3 a.m. isn't the right time to be so worried about it but that seems to be the only quiet time around this place. It doesn't happen every night thank God or I 'd be sleep deprived.

anyway, thank you for helping me to see that those experiences that I am having are related to this.

Jane

[Voyager]

Yes, you can print stuff out that's on here.

My idea of who God was (based on what I was taught) and my church involvement determined my future and directed my decisions. Once that was stripped away from me, I was left feeling hopeless and without purpose or direction in life. I had invested everything into the church that I was in - not realizing that it would turn abusive and I would have to escape from it. I was left without a game plan for life, which was extremely debilitating.

For years I found it hard to even get out of bed in the morning and get motivated. I remained somewhat isolated, and the sense of purposelessness had me paralyzed. I didn't know what to do or where to go to try to find a cure. I visited a few churches, but when I tried to talk with the pastors about spiritual abuse, they either told me to get over it and move on or acted like I had the plague.

After this I started drinking and using drugs to try to numb my pain as a form of self-medication, but that only made things worse. After getting free of that, I have taken on a new hope. My sense of purpose is not fully restored, but I am content in knowing that I was tricked and deceived into having a false sense of purpose - and that I will probably never regain that type of hyped-up, radical, expectation-filled life focus again. I will just have to be content with a normal life. I am finding that it's really not that bad - I am actually beginning to enjoy it.

;)

[Voyager]

P.S. - I use the term "cult" to describe any church that is abusive. I realize many people don't see abusive Christian churches as cults, but I do.

Also, if you want to print out just the list of symptoms, you can go directly to the web page and print them out from there and you won't get this whole thread printed out. Here is the link:

http://home.datawest.net/esn-recovery/artcls/emotdiff.htm

:cool:

[Jerry]

When I look into the mirror I see eyes looking back at me,
eyes holding shadows of secrets that can't really be....

Lord, hold my heart and stop this pain,
I am bleeding again, it feels like rain,
when will the pain stop bleeding,
when will my heart stop needing?

The ache is growing new each day,
I remember events in a different way,

Lord, hold my hand and led me on,
another sleepless night here is upon,
when will the pain stop bleeding,
when will my heart stop needing?

When I was looking for you, I found a reproduction,
I worshipped man and was trapped in his seduction.

Lord, hold my head and stop this pain,
I am hurting again and I feel insane,
when will the pain stop bleeding,
when will my heart stop needing?

When I was looking for your word, I was sold a lie,
I trusted that false prophet and can't tell you why.

Lord, hold my dreams they're fading fast,
becoming distant memories of my past,
when will the pain stop bleeding,
when will my heart stop needing?


Looking in the mirror, I see eyes looking back at me,
looking for remnants of what used to be,
are you there Lord,
still abiding in me?

your faithful rose
Dear Jane,,,,
Don't you recognise her ?????? She knows you very well ;) She loves you very much and is just waiting for you to love her back..............Matt 10 Verses 40-42,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, :D
Love Jerry

[ex-shep]

Have to get ready for work. Good pointers though. Will try to read a little more in detail. From one with 20 years recovery, it gradually fade away. I have become a little more seasoned to the triggers. One day at a time. Will try to read and expound. Bug me if I forget. Busy at work. :)

[Katie]

I was tricked and deceived into having a false sense of purpose - and that I will probably never regain that type of hyped-up, radical, expectation-filled life focus again. I will just have to be content with a normal life. I am finding that it's really not that bad - I am actually beginning to enjoy it.

I related very much to this Voyager, and you expressed those feelings really well.

[molehills]

I might add that I have experienced many of the symptoms listed above - especially during the first four years after exiting the cult I was in. However, due to educating myself and being a part of this forum - most of those symptoms have now dissipated.

I have abandoned the ideas of who God is based on what I was taught in the cult. I believe that this has been the catalyst to my recovery. For me to hold on to what I was taught in the cult would allow the cult to still control me. I have absolutely no preconceived ideas of who God is, and I am letting Him take care of re-teaching me if He wants to. By letting go of my ideas of what God should be doing in my life has freed me from the grief that occurs when these things don't happen. I figure I am just going to let God be God and I am just going to be who I am, not what the cult made me.

It takes years to strip yourself of the baggage that was taken on during cult involvement. Some people never let go of it, and for them I truly feel sorry. It is not an easy task to accomplish. Another key for me has been finding new friends who have no cult involvement whatsoever. They just accept me for who I am, not what my religion is or what church I attend.

:cool:

I think that is a phenomenal expression of genuine faith.

[Carmen]

Great poem Jane. I feel the echo of it in myself. Found some points on the list too.

I think that churches that make their members feel that way are cults no matter how often they quote out of the bible or even preach the gospel.

[profnachos]

Jane, I am not much of a poem reader, but this is beautiful. It could have come from my heart, but not in such eloquent words.