molehills
06-17-2005, 09:15 PM
I think one of the reasons I'm really struggling is to find out who I am. What is my identity? What is it I really want to be and do? I don't even know why I'm struggling so hard with this. Somewhere I lost my ability to see myself, so I keep looking to other people and to what they have to say. The thing is other people have no clue. They either think I'm the next messiah, or they make me into whatever they want. I'm no messiah. I'm so ornery and lost. To avoid becoming "the leader" I look for someone else to take the heat, someone else to where the crown, someone else to take the credit. Everyone seems to want me to get out there and do something, but no one knows what it is, esp. me. I'd expect there'd be clues, and maybe there are, but I've been so busy being whatever I think I'm supposed to be that I don't really know what I like or what I want. I have tons--literally--of paper that purports to offer clues, books, mementos, letters, stuff, but I'm finding they are a dry well, a broken cistern. I need for God to tell me, but I don't know how to listen. The few times I've heard him speak I either panicked because I knew they'd freak, or I did it and they freaked. Either way, I never really followed through. I've always just yielded to the "better judgement" of my elders and peers. I'm always fighting to just not cry. I want everything, but really all I want is a small group of people who love me and love what I do. People who can stand my diva self. I just want a friend or two who can let me be the diva I really am without rejecting me or being jealous. The stuff I do isn't all that great or exciting, it's just loud and generally fun, or at least thought provoking. I'm caught in a terrible trap. If I raise my hand and admit that the work is easy, everyone suddenly feels intimidated and they reject me. If I stay quiet I could just die from the boredom. I'm too ignorant as a result of all this to be interesting to someone who actually thinks about the stuff that I do, but I'm too smart to be even remotely happy continuing to have the same conversations I've been having all my life for the rest of my life. One of my favorite people in the whole world is severely handicapped. He can't even really talk, but he just loves me, as is. I could spend the rest of my life just sitting around listening to him not saying anything. Why can't more average or better people be more like him? Why can't we all just like each other as we are? Everyone has so much to offer! Everyone is so interesting and beautiful in their own way. Why can't we all just love and enjoy each other as we really are? Why do we have to try and make everyone else just like us? Why can't I be friends with everyone? Why do I have to choose my group and trash everyone else? :(