DLL
06-14-2005, 05:45 AM
last night, i was actually able to talk to one of the deacons wives who was there at my apt to excommunicate me. she no longer goes to that church either because after her husband died, the preacher tried to tell her who to be friends with and what to do with her money and to just get over his death and stuff like that. she listened when i was telling her how i thought i had been a target of spiritual abuse. i cant say she really agreed but she didnt contradict me.
today, i had a flashback about alot of the stuff i went through. i remember sitting in the police car after being arrested in front of my kids thinking "how can this be happening to me?" awakened out of my sleep where it was just me and my 2 kids, to a house full of police watching everything i did. i even over heard them telling the aressting officer how i didnt have to be taken in, but he said he was going to do it to teach me a lesson. a lesson from what? boy, what i have learned!!! i remember the pastor and deacons and their wives sitting in my apt telling me to look at all the sin going on there. all i was doing was watching a baseball game by myself. the preacher turned to this 6 people and asked" do any of you see anything good going on here?' and in unison, they all shook their heads. like little puppets programmed. but yet they couldnt tell me what was so bad going on there. they just sat silent then got up and left w/o saying a word.
its like a video that keeps playing over and over again and i cant stop it. the preacher says thats bitterness, when you keep playing it over like that. i dunno!
one thing that triggered me, was the girls told me las night that one of the main women at the church, who blames my daughters for her sons rebellion, wants my daughter to pay$ 200 for a suit coat that got lost after he and my daughter went to the prom. (2yrs ago) my daughter, my husband and i both have told this lady we dont have the coat, dont know where it is and thought it was given back to him. she still sends threatening messages to my daughter though. how can i make them stop hurting us????
Anyway,in thinking about that, i remembered something that might have led me into being bullied by this church and pastor. he was always telling me that when people are deceived they are too deceived to know they are deceived, so they need someone to tell and show them how deceived they are. and that was his job. to let people know they are deceived.
so my question is this... was i deceived? am i deceived ? am i deceived into thinking that i am on some road to recovery? am i deceived that i have the answers now? what was i deceived about? does being deceived have any symptoms to it , like abuse does? i dont know how to make this go away, to stop the video, the pain, the memories. going to another church hasnt stopped it. staying away from the other church hasnt stopped it. i dont think i can even think for myself anymore. i dont know what to think anymore. i have this flooding feeling in my mind but i dont know what it is. and every time i get that feeling, i get this horrible headache. so im just gonna go back to bed until ....... whenever.
today, i had a flashback about alot of the stuff i went through. i remember sitting in the police car after being arrested in front of my kids thinking "how can this be happening to me?" awakened out of my sleep where it was just me and my 2 kids, to a house full of police watching everything i did. i even over heard them telling the aressting officer how i didnt have to be taken in, but he said he was going to do it to teach me a lesson. a lesson from what? boy, what i have learned!!! i remember the pastor and deacons and their wives sitting in my apt telling me to look at all the sin going on there. all i was doing was watching a baseball game by myself. the preacher turned to this 6 people and asked" do any of you see anything good going on here?' and in unison, they all shook their heads. like little puppets programmed. but yet they couldnt tell me what was so bad going on there. they just sat silent then got up and left w/o saying a word.
its like a video that keeps playing over and over again and i cant stop it. the preacher says thats bitterness, when you keep playing it over like that. i dunno!
one thing that triggered me, was the girls told me las night that one of the main women at the church, who blames my daughters for her sons rebellion, wants my daughter to pay$ 200 for a suit coat that got lost after he and my daughter went to the prom. (2yrs ago) my daughter, my husband and i both have told this lady we dont have the coat, dont know where it is and thought it was given back to him. she still sends threatening messages to my daughter though. how can i make them stop hurting us????
Anyway,in thinking about that, i remembered something that might have led me into being bullied by this church and pastor. he was always telling me that when people are deceived they are too deceived to know they are deceived, so they need someone to tell and show them how deceived they are. and that was his job. to let people know they are deceived.
so my question is this... was i deceived? am i deceived ? am i deceived into thinking that i am on some road to recovery? am i deceived that i have the answers now? what was i deceived about? does being deceived have any symptoms to it , like abuse does? i dont know how to make this go away, to stop the video, the pain, the memories. going to another church hasnt stopped it. staying away from the other church hasnt stopped it. i dont think i can even think for myself anymore. i dont know what to think anymore. i have this flooding feeling in my mind but i dont know what it is. and every time i get that feeling, i get this horrible headache. so im just gonna go back to bed until ....... whenever.