Our best friends are getting married.

[jane]

My husband had a close friend since high school. This friend witnessed to him for 10 years before my husband became a christian. This man was the best man in our wedding.


I had a best friend in kindergarden. We grew up together in the congregational church, we had the same middle name and birtdate. We were the only two girls in all the town chosen in 6th grade to be in the gifted and talented program. She moved away in 8th grade and we lost contact. The month before we left our church, she walked in. We were soooo happy to see each other. Come to find out she was there because she was dating my husband's childhood friend whom I wrote about above. He is the deacon in the church that we left. He was supportive of us until something happened and he totally reversed his opinion. He used to be at our house for every holiday and my children called him "uncle R....". We haven't seen him for months.

We just heard from a mutual friend that they are getting married July 30th.

I feel so sad that we have lost their friendships over our leaving their church. I am so sad that we were not invited to the wedding or even told of it. This man was family to me, my husband and our children.

:( so much loss.....

Jane

[Kerrin]

:( :o

((((((((Jane )))))))))

Same thing happened to me recently ,you may or may not re-call.
Doesn't matter BUT I do know how you feel.

I was/am still hurt and sad that our friendship "wasn't" that important ,and it hurts!
( Although I did get an invitation to the wedding ,it was at my old Church and the Vicar who they still sit under his authority! :rolleyes: ; I just couldn't go........I hadn't heard from them since leaving except for the wedding invitation...........then later I discovered some other even more hurtful stuff about the reception , which was divided into "two events", an afternoon tea (which i was invited to ,Formal), and the actual reception ,which I wasn't, yet all these other people they only "just" knew were invited to! :eek: :confused:

If I had gone ,Not only would I have been humiliated by my ex "friends" ,but to find out at the wedding I was invited to the afternoon tea and not the reception which I was led to believe. :eek:

Amy was really hurt because she wasn't invited at all, and we had been a part of the grooms life since she was 3!!!
( Long story , but we were very close)

I'm so glad I didn't go now ,BUT it still hurts........and he has hurt other close friends too........it's very sad when people are so deceived.........and I hate that they look on me with pity as if I'm the deceived one! :(
Sorry Jane, I know it HURTS!!! :(

Love
Kerrin ;)

[jane]

This is the second wedding like this for us, the other couple wasn't as close to us. The other couple got married last month. The man is really close to my son, he is young 21ish.

HE INVITED MY SON TO HIS BACHELOR PARTY (COST $) AND NOT THE WEDDING!


The party was at his house, the wedding at the church. We figured it was too difficult for them the invite us to the church.

The elder's wife, whom I was close friends with emailed me after, she thought she was going to see us there and was surprised we werent'...... :rolleyes:

Told her we weren't invited.


That one didn't hurt so much, just hurt to see them hurt my son. He still went to the party.

Jane

[Katie]

I'm sorry this happened Jane. I hope that some day these people look back and regret what they have done.

It really hurts to no longer be included in people's lives because you don't attend the "club." To me that seems like a really shallow basis for terminating a real friendship. But apparently that is the norm and rule in church life.

Sometimes I blame myself that more people didn't truly care about me enough to try to maintain the friendship after we left. But with the few who have, it is still difficult because loyalty to the group is such a different view than my opinion of the group.

Other times I ask myself exactly what "sin" I committed that was deserving of this punishment from them. Most of them were not personally involved in the conflict and yet they participate in the shunning also.

It started with no longer being included in coffee get-togethers and shopping trips. But not being included in the big events in friends' lives has been painful, baby showers, graduations, and weddings. Earlier, I would have continued in all of these things because they aren't church related. At this point however, things are so awkward that I probably wouldn't attend anyway if invited.

I wonder if our closest friends will ever regret tossing aside our friendship. Like I said earlier, I hope someday that your close friends do regret it.

[jane]

Sometimes I blame myself that more people didn't truly care about me enough to try to maintain the friendship after we left. But with the few who have, it is still difficult because loyalty to the group is such a different view than my opinion of the group.

me too. I question everything that I ever did for them or with them. Honestly, when I take the "inventory" I dont' see anything that I did wrong except leave the church.


But with the few who have, it is still difficult because loyalty to the group is such a different view than my opinion of the group.

we have found this as well. My husband tells me it is like the principle, you can't serve two masters. You will love one and despise the other. We have a very different mindset now than the vision of the church we left.

Other times I ask myself exactly what "sin" I committed that was deserving of this punishment from them.

Ditto. Especially since in our case our leaders told us that we were leaving with no sin...but from wounds. I have actually said to a few people, "gosh, get on the same page as your leaders, they have said we are leaving not in sin!"

Isn't it awful, and the irony is that when we were in the church we prided ourselves on not being like Jehovah witness's where they separate people who don't have the same beliefs!

Another paradox that we discovered....

Jane

[DLL]

im sorry you are hurting ,jane. im thinking about you!! :)

[jane]

I guess I was too quick to write. I recieved an invitation to a jack and jill for them.

Funny, I was upset about not getting invited...and now I am upset about being invited...worrying about whether or not to go....


Jane

[Kerrin]

:) Not funny ,Jane..........I remember feeling the same , very mixed emotions and right up to the day before my friend's wedding when I decided not to go.

Lots of variables though, that changed my mind at the last minute.
Now ,I'm sad ,but still feel I made the right decision at the time :o

I think he will be the one regretful down the track. :(

Love
Kerrin ;)

[Katie]

Jane,
My day was filled with these sort of conflicting emotions. I was invited to coffee at a friend's house because a mutual friend of ours was going to be in town. These are both gals that I am very comfortable with. However, the rest of the group were all people from our ex-church. It seems like the longer we are away, the more awkward it is to see them.

It's mostly awkward because no one really knows what happened, so there's just a lot of unspoken questions and misperceptions. We were also invited to a family potluck for this couple while they are in town, but my husband said no way. I didn't really want to go either. It's really nice of them to include us, which makes me feel bad for not going.

But it's hard to explain how hard it is to walk into a room where not only are you the "outsider" but also, it is likely that the people there believe you are deceived. I'm not even blaming them, but I get really tired of it all - holding my head high, putting a big smile on, pretending everything is great.

Most of the time I'm glad we are no longer playing the game.
Sometimes it sucks being the outcast.

[jane]

the jack and jill is at the church. I have to find out if we are even allowed on the property. Weird, this is the guy who told us we weren't allowed on the property and he invites us.

If we don't go---people will talk. If we go people will talk. So it's the talking that I am not so worried about.

I am worried about this; DO WE EVEN WANT TO GO? I can't find peace inside with my own answer. I don't know what my husband even thinks. He reacts sometimes- this was his friend since high school. He is angry that this friend didn't trust the character or the relationship that they had enough not to defend us and in fact became part of the attack. So one minute he says, our friendship was never there because if he cared about me or knew my character he would have at minimum become part of the attack---- and the next minute he wants to go to be there on such an important occasion.


I am also worried about being provoked again. The last time that we were there after we left for someone's graduation party; the deacon, our home group leader attacked him. He was in the men's room of all places. The home group leader went up to him (and yes while he was going pee) and said, "You know I never did anything against you and pastor even confirmed it"..... my husband was lit and the elder (who was close friends) was near by and my husband told him, "THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR PLACE FOR THIS< CALL ME IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DISCUSS" My husband was grateful for the witness, and that deacon kept up like a mosquito that would not go away---we had to hastily leave.

So ALL of leadership will be at this wedding as R...... is the Head of Administration, Head of all the ministries, treasureer and deacon.

Won't it be such a lovely time :(

anyway, please keep us in your prayers. We don't want to act in our flesh either way-- but for once I want to make this decision based on what we want and need and not everyone else.


Jane