I wondering....

[Oopsie Daisey]

I am wondering about anyone else having a problem surrending their life to Christ. Does anyone else have that problem. There is such a separation between God and I and I am so mean inside and nasty and I am hanging on to things that I am afraid to let go of because I don't know what I am getting in exchange. I seriously doubt my salvation. I don't really change and I am not at all that cool with God, and I have jealousy, envy and strife, and all that crud your not supposed to have. I am evil in my thoughts and I just can't seem to get passed this one spot. Someone once told me stay behind my doors and pray until you and God get it together. Well, do you know how many times I have done that and then the prayers are meaningless words and I am totally restless and want to get up and move around and go and do anything but pray...Or I do pray and then I think God and I are like totally together and then it is screwier than I thought. IT is like totally superficial. It was a feeling, and emotion?

I feel like I am the only one that don't get it together. Yesterday I was pursing God so hard and then Dave called and wanted to come and get me for a while and then I was okay and went and then today I look at me and I am not to happy with me because I blew God off when he kept me through my disappointments and I wonder what kind of a person would do that and then you do stuff you know that you were taught God don't want you to do. And today, I can't seem to find God nor be able to talk to Him and there is such a seperation and the only thing I am feeling is an inability to have a clue as to where I am headed and lonliness again.

Any thoughts from your own experiences?

[Emerging]

(((Melanie))), change is hard work and well, is there any chance you might be just a little hard on yourself? :rolleyes: I know we ALL do it at times cuz it's a normal result of having some many bad things said and done to us that we get to where we mistakenly think we are the bad things, because if we aren't bad then why did God let all this awful stuff happen to us [cuz something like there's both good and evil in this world and He had to let His own Son suffer terribly for us all ... yet it was still righteous...so we get to experience both joy and pain, too... sigh....] ... so do you think you might be there some right now?

And Dave ... have you ever asked him to list your positive qualities? I think you might enjoy reading his list. Could you then focus on it and maybe "carry it in your heart" and let it do what it can to push out some fo that the negativity that fills all us survivors? He knows the "real" you and yet he still likes going out with you .... WOW!!! So neat!!! ok, a little scary too? But ... he still likes going out with you!! :D

I see that you have made some solid progress in how quickly you can turn around when things start to drive you crazy. I see that you are strong and tenacious (yes you are, and it's a good thing!!) and "thirsting" after the Word of God in your life ... as in what does He want you to do? And that you CARE so much!!!! And that you WANT to heal body and soul!!!!

ok, what can you add to my list? ;) :)

[Jubileesong]

Hi, Melanie,

I agree with Emerging...seems you might be a bit hard on yourself. Thinking an evil thought doesn't make you an evil person. I used to think so, too, though. In fact, the leader of my cult used to tell us that life was like walking up a mountain and when we "sinned" or even made a misake, we tumbled down the mountain a ways and had to basically start again. He further emphasized that everyone around you could see your scrapes and bruises and you therefore had to work a while to get back to where you were - so the people would forget your fall. Talk about imputing shame on a person! Many of the "sins" I committed there were just mistakes or just differences of opinion with the leader, yet I carried around so much shame...

So, I can sure relate to feeling like I'm a bad "person"...but I'm not. Never was since accepting the Lord in my heart. I may do a bad thing on occasion...but I'm not a bad person - and neither are you.

We all have self-defence mechanisms. I heard a man who came to preach at our church say something very wise recently. It answered many of my questions... He said when a person is coerced by a spirt of religion, then they are forced into doing "the right thing" all the time (which is usually decided by someone other than themselves) and it causes a spirit of rebellion. By this, he meant, it causes a person to look for relief and an outlet. Many times, this will take the form of addiction or something like that. When raised in a strict home, for example, one might seek attention elsewhere or any manner of things to give oneself an outlet.

In a way, it's a defence mechanism. Human beings were created to dominate and be in control - but the fall messed that up. So, in fact, we often feel helpless. We don't tolerate that well, so we start to do things that we CAN control - and sometimes they aren't healthy things. But, they become comfortable and we get used to them...so then we keep going. So, if you feel like you're in a pattern of evil thoughts or actions - then an important thing to do might be to ask yourself what benefit you get from those behaviors. We are not purposeless creatures. We do things because we get some kind of benefit from them. People drink or take drugs to "escape" or "feel better" or whatever. People may think evil thoughts about other people to get revenge and feel vindicated. So, ask yourself, "why do I do what I do?" Then, see if you can get those needs met other ways - and if you can't think of any, then come back on the forum with our ideas and ask for input.

How's that sound?

:0)

Hannah

[Oopsie Daisey]

Oh my goodness that theology from your former church sounds exactly like what I went through. Boy did you hit the nail on the head. How do you get back up? I am having a really hard time...this is hard because I am surrounded by that theology from this area and my ex-pastor of course had more influence in this town than I wished he did. Oh my word.

I love it when I got to my parents home which is 7 hours away and I feel like shackles fall off and I feel so much freedom. My daughter which lives out there too and goes to Bible college said, Mom you really got loopy for a while and she thought I sounded a lot saner and I said I wished I felt it.


Your post really hits the nail on the head for me. SO glad you posted. That was a good post and one I will save.

Thanks so much.

Good post

Melanie

[Jerry]

I am wondering about anyone else having a problem surrending their life to Christ.
Dear Oopsie,,,
I have a problem with that whole concept,,,,it's just plain "Propaganda" as far as I am conserned......My opinion is that you "Believe in Christ",,,,,,,or you don't.If you choose to believe,,,,then you embark on a life long project of comforming your life to Christs teachings and that is work,,,,,,,not a matter of surrender.I can say that I love a concept or Idea or a Spirit,,,,but I can't throw my arms around it.Christ in His wisdom knew that too so he commanded the following,,,,,,,,,;"A new commandment I give you,,,,that you love one another as I have loved you,,,that you also love one another...By THIS all will know that you are My deciples.",,,,In other words NOT by works,,,,NOT by evangelism,,,,,Not by prayer but by your love for eachother you are loving Me.....Christ gave us two beautiful gifts,,,,One was Salvation,,,,,,,,,the second was eachother....So stop trying to surrender your life to Christ,,,,,,you can't He is Spirit.Rather,surrender to the love He comanded......You will be able to surrender to Christs Spirit when you ARE spirit and what a wonderful time that will be!!! For now,,,,it is enough that you believe.....................selah
Love Jerry

[Oopsie Daisey]

.....................selah
Love Jerry There is still surrendering and relinquishing going on. Relinquishing your rights to surrender to God's love? Even if I followed your belief system. Thanks Jerry.

Have a good day!

Melanie

[Jerry]

There is still surrendering and relinquishing going on. Relinquishing your rights to surrender to God's love? Even if I followed your belief system. Thanks Jerry.

Have a good day!

Melanie

Melanie,,, :D
Christ never said anything about "Relingquishing Rights"
Love Jerry

[Oopsie Daisey]

Melanie,,, :D
Christ never said anything about "Relingquishing Rights"
Love JerryJerry, Can you do two things at the same time love and hate and if you can are you at war inside? Is that what fills your thoughts? Does that take some relinquishing of attitudes?
......I am not going to discuss doctrine again on this board with no one.



Melanie

[Jerry]

Jerry, Can you do two things at the same time love and hate and if you can are you at war inside?

YES,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,because I am human.
Love Jerry

[Oopsie Daisey]

Jerry, Can you do two things at the same time love and hate and if you can are you at war inside?

YES,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,because I am human.
Love Jerry



LOL. Good point! :D

[Jerry]

:D :D :D :D