molehills
06-08-2005, 09:14 AM
I don't think this will trigger, but I'm no expert on that stuff. It isn't about the church stuff, I can't go there yet.
This is a pretty mild problem that I've found illuminating. I'm hoping you'll see more than I see. It's a "safe" problem to discuss I don't mind being open about.
When we moved onto our circle we were the second family to move in. I made a commitment to greet each neighbor as they moved in and to "love my neighbor as myself." It was challenging because I'm shy, but really rewarding. I found myself doing all kinds of really fun and interesting things and I made some good friendships. A new family moved in a while back and I greeted them, and we were getting to know each other when their family life exploded. It was terrible and they had three children. I threw open our family's resources--not money, but time and love. I was babysitting her three and my three while I was pregnant with our fourth at all kinds of last minute emergency thngs. I was helping her find support and help for the problems they were facing. I was really up to my arm pits in their mess until it began to resolve. Over the course of a year or so, they really made huge progress and it began to be time for them to start taking care of themselves again, so I started to step back. She got mad at me, but I expected that. I thought having a reason to be mad at me would help her recover her dignity after being so dependant. The "desperate calls" slowed down and an uneasy, but healthier relationship was developing. However, the burden was still on me. I felt that I had to remain always perfect and whatever. I made a mistake by skipping some basic etiquette. I knew I was making a mistake, but it was minor and I needed to see what would happen if I wasn't perfect anymore. They called me up and took turns yelling at me for a half hour and then my husband took the phone and they yelled at him for twenty minutes, slightly more respectfully. I apologized. I offered to do whatever they wanted to make things right. They didn't want anything but to yell at me. They wouldn't stop, so my husband hung up on them. I shut down and went into depression. My mom got so worried she told me I either had to get a grip or I was going to end up on medication. She was right. I wasn't even opening the blinds on our house. I called the neighbor over, and I told what had happened because of her choice. I told her I needed new and stronger boundaries and that my husband would no longer allow our children to play in her home. She agreed to that, and our relationship slowly recovered. My last baby was a bad pregnancy, and when it was over she had her whole church make meals for me even though I don't go to her church. I thought it was really nice of her.
Recently, she came over to ask me to tutor her son. He's struggling with reading. I love to teach kids to read, so we agreed to a tutoring schedule. He's not been coming, and I think she expects me to go and hunt him up. I'm making her take responsibility for getting him to tutoring. I'm beginning to regret offering to tutor him, not because I'm not enjoying tutoring but because she's taking advantage of me again.
This is a pretty mild problem that I've found illuminating. I'm hoping you'll see more than I see. It's a "safe" problem to discuss I don't mind being open about.
When we moved onto our circle we were the second family to move in. I made a commitment to greet each neighbor as they moved in and to "love my neighbor as myself." It was challenging because I'm shy, but really rewarding. I found myself doing all kinds of really fun and interesting things and I made some good friendships. A new family moved in a while back and I greeted them, and we were getting to know each other when their family life exploded. It was terrible and they had three children. I threw open our family's resources--not money, but time and love. I was babysitting her three and my three while I was pregnant with our fourth at all kinds of last minute emergency thngs. I was helping her find support and help for the problems they were facing. I was really up to my arm pits in their mess until it began to resolve. Over the course of a year or so, they really made huge progress and it began to be time for them to start taking care of themselves again, so I started to step back. She got mad at me, but I expected that. I thought having a reason to be mad at me would help her recover her dignity after being so dependant. The "desperate calls" slowed down and an uneasy, but healthier relationship was developing. However, the burden was still on me. I felt that I had to remain always perfect and whatever. I made a mistake by skipping some basic etiquette. I knew I was making a mistake, but it was minor and I needed to see what would happen if I wasn't perfect anymore. They called me up and took turns yelling at me for a half hour and then my husband took the phone and they yelled at him for twenty minutes, slightly more respectfully. I apologized. I offered to do whatever they wanted to make things right. They didn't want anything but to yell at me. They wouldn't stop, so my husband hung up on them. I shut down and went into depression. My mom got so worried she told me I either had to get a grip or I was going to end up on medication. She was right. I wasn't even opening the blinds on our house. I called the neighbor over, and I told what had happened because of her choice. I told her I needed new and stronger boundaries and that my husband would no longer allow our children to play in her home. She agreed to that, and our relationship slowly recovered. My last baby was a bad pregnancy, and when it was over she had her whole church make meals for me even though I don't go to her church. I thought it was really nice of her.
Recently, she came over to ask me to tutor her son. He's struggling with reading. I love to teach kids to read, so we agreed to a tutoring schedule. He's not been coming, and I think she expects me to go and hunt him up. I'm making her take responsibility for getting him to tutoring. I'm beginning to regret offering to tutor him, not because I'm not enjoying tutoring but because she's taking advantage of me again.