Kerrin
06-02-2005, 10:44 PM
I am posting here ,not necessarily because i don't want responses ,but more that i'm not sure it belongs here.
I have pretty much told the story of how I got pregnant at 16 and was "forced' to have an abortion by my mother, the very next day after I told her I was pregnant.
I never had a say!
It was all a bIG secret and I was sent away to my Aunty in the country.
She just kept saying over and over "i wasn't going to 'ruin' my life" :confused: :(
The guy was my boyfriend. He was 18 when I met him at 15 and ,I would say it was "date rape" because I did not consent , I felt trapped, we were in an isolated area and there was no where to run. He was pushy and basically forced himself on me.
I do remember feeling really dirty!
It was easier to just wonder "was that it?"
"What happened?" How did it happen?"
You know how it goes with girls who have "absent" father's , mine was always drunk, and my mother was either working or having a nervous breakdown!.
I thought he loved me.( my boyfriend)
I certainly thought I loved him. Why wouldn't I ?He was the only male in my entire lfe who made me feel "special"; so I guess my 16 y/o brain thought if sex was part of the deal ,that's all I was worth, or would get.........so take it.
When My mum found out I was forbidden from seeing him!!
I was "shamed", dad eventually found out as did my sister, brother and most of the School!
I started spending lunchtimes in the Library! (I could see him sitting in his car outside the School watching me).
He would send me messages via the same "friends" who condemned me, he sent me poems, presents ,roses.......)
So, we started to sneak around.
I would lie to see him. My friends would cover etc...
We broke up a few times and got back together again.
(The "trigger" was last night in the car with my daughter when the Rolling Stones song "Angie" came on)
( Actually it started last Saturday night at dinner! I will get to that...)
We had broken up, but I was in his car with a group of us and his new girlfriend, when the song came on.
He looked in the rear view mirror straight into my eyes at the words "You're beautiful........There'll never be anyone come close to you.............everywhere I look I see your eyes!........"
Lets see, our relationship was on-again off again until I was 18 and I went to Perth and met Randy, (the handsome Texan ; who could talk his way out of a paper bag!).
I came back and Randy, being in the Navy went back to the States, but we wrote.
My old boyfriend practically ran me off the road one day not long after, I stopped and he came to my car window and said "you're going to marry that American aren't you?!" :confused:
(I didn't know he even knew), we weren't together anyway.
No more said.
And yes, 3 months later I flew to the States and we got married, I was19!!
We'd been married about 10 years when we had our fisrt baby.
( I really thought God would take her , punish me for what I'd done!).
(Randy used to like calling me a murderer whenever we had a fight! more guilt and shame!)
I hadn't seen ex boyfriend in all that time ,hearing he had married and moved interstate!
My baby was about one year old and I was driving into work to get my pay and he was riding on the footpath that I turned into!!!
I stopped and called his name.........he didn't recognise me at first.........then he poked his head through the window and said "wow ,you have grown into the most beautiful woman"......then he saw my baby........he smiled......"is she yours?" Well yeah!
He looked at me intently ,lit a cigarette and said "she could've been ours, What did you name her?" ( That's important because ,you see he wanted to marry me and we had talked about baby names).
(This is hurting so much to write but I have to get it out..........I can't see my counsellor) :( (She's on leave) :(
Why has all this come up now?
My daughter knows "something: happened to me at 16 that I am terribly sad about and hate my mother for.
I went out to dinner last night with an old friend and as I pushed my chair back I bumped into a women pushing her chair back!
I looked at her and said " I know you?", we did the usual ,work? friends? etc... dance until we got to School? Yes we went to the same school!
Then the penny dropped!
She had married his brother!
She asked ."when was I with him?", My daughter and guest's eyes on me!! :eek:
My appearance ,obviuosly changed ,now blonde ,not brunette, as has hers ,she's blonde instead of red head!
I could JUST see her start to put the pieces together and she looked at my daughter and simply said" ,He's married for the 3rd time :rolleyes: , but he's calmed down a lot!!"
( Only her and I knew what that meant!).
I, fortunatly was on my way out of the restaurant! :o
There it is. A little more of the jig saw puzzle of my life!
BUT,I'm NOT coping this last two weeks!
I can't tell you how sad I feel.
How I long to have my time over again.
Even If I could just know what it's like to be happy always, not in short bursts!
So lonely......... *tears*
Kerrin
I have pretty much told the story of how I got pregnant at 16 and was "forced' to have an abortion by my mother, the very next day after I told her I was pregnant.
I never had a say!
It was all a bIG secret and I was sent away to my Aunty in the country.
She just kept saying over and over "i wasn't going to 'ruin' my life" :confused: :(
The guy was my boyfriend. He was 18 when I met him at 15 and ,I would say it was "date rape" because I did not consent , I felt trapped, we were in an isolated area and there was no where to run. He was pushy and basically forced himself on me.
I do remember feeling really dirty!
It was easier to just wonder "was that it?"
"What happened?" How did it happen?"
You know how it goes with girls who have "absent" father's , mine was always drunk, and my mother was either working or having a nervous breakdown!.
I thought he loved me.( my boyfriend)
I certainly thought I loved him. Why wouldn't I ?He was the only male in my entire lfe who made me feel "special"; so I guess my 16 y/o brain thought if sex was part of the deal ,that's all I was worth, or would get.........so take it.
When My mum found out I was forbidden from seeing him!!
I was "shamed", dad eventually found out as did my sister, brother and most of the School!
I started spending lunchtimes in the Library! (I could see him sitting in his car outside the School watching me).
He would send me messages via the same "friends" who condemned me, he sent me poems, presents ,roses.......)
So, we started to sneak around.
I would lie to see him. My friends would cover etc...
We broke up a few times and got back together again.
(The "trigger" was last night in the car with my daughter when the Rolling Stones song "Angie" came on)
( Actually it started last Saturday night at dinner! I will get to that...)
We had broken up, but I was in his car with a group of us and his new girlfriend, when the song came on.
He looked in the rear view mirror straight into my eyes at the words "You're beautiful........There'll never be anyone come close to you.............everywhere I look I see your eyes!........"
Lets see, our relationship was on-again off again until I was 18 and I went to Perth and met Randy, (the handsome Texan ; who could talk his way out of a paper bag!).
I came back and Randy, being in the Navy went back to the States, but we wrote.
My old boyfriend practically ran me off the road one day not long after, I stopped and he came to my car window and said "you're going to marry that American aren't you?!" :confused:
(I didn't know he even knew), we weren't together anyway.
No more said.
And yes, 3 months later I flew to the States and we got married, I was19!!
We'd been married about 10 years when we had our fisrt baby.
( I really thought God would take her , punish me for what I'd done!).
(Randy used to like calling me a murderer whenever we had a fight! more guilt and shame!)
I hadn't seen ex boyfriend in all that time ,hearing he had married and moved interstate!
My baby was about one year old and I was driving into work to get my pay and he was riding on the footpath that I turned into!!!
I stopped and called his name.........he didn't recognise me at first.........then he poked his head through the window and said "wow ,you have grown into the most beautiful woman"......then he saw my baby........he smiled......"is she yours?" Well yeah!
He looked at me intently ,lit a cigarette and said "she could've been ours, What did you name her?" ( That's important because ,you see he wanted to marry me and we had talked about baby names).
(This is hurting so much to write but I have to get it out..........I can't see my counsellor) :( (She's on leave) :(
Why has all this come up now?
My daughter knows "something: happened to me at 16 that I am terribly sad about and hate my mother for.
I went out to dinner last night with an old friend and as I pushed my chair back I bumped into a women pushing her chair back!
I looked at her and said " I know you?", we did the usual ,work? friends? etc... dance until we got to School? Yes we went to the same school!
Then the penny dropped!
She had married his brother!
She asked ."when was I with him?", My daughter and guest's eyes on me!! :eek:
My appearance ,obviuosly changed ,now blonde ,not brunette, as has hers ,she's blonde instead of red head!
I could JUST see her start to put the pieces together and she looked at my daughter and simply said" ,He's married for the 3rd time :rolleyes: , but he's calmed down a lot!!"
( Only her and I knew what that meant!).
I, fortunatly was on my way out of the restaurant! :o
There it is. A little more of the jig saw puzzle of my life!
BUT,I'm NOT coping this last two weeks!
I can't tell you how sad I feel.
How I long to have my time over again.
Even If I could just know what it's like to be happy always, not in short bursts!
So lonely......... *tears*
Kerrin