After the abuse...

[Rani]

Hi everyone, I'm a newbie :) I was thrilled to run across this site in search of 'people that have been abused in church.' I too was abused and hurt and shunned by the congregation that I considered to be family. My church was my 'safe place.' I attended there for 4 years and closed my eyes to all of the wrongdoings. In fact, because I was in the 'clique' I also participated in their wrongdoings, shunning people, and basically just following the leadership in whatever role they were leading at the time. We were never brave enough to say, "what you're doing is wrong" so we just joined in. The Lord began to speak to me about 'compromise' and my husband and I learned that we were compromising our beliefs and our relationship with God. We knew that if we continued to stay there, our hearts would harden and it would eventually stop bothering us and we'd become like 'them'. We left in January of this year and we felt like a huge burden had been lifted off of us. We were finally free. In the freedom, we were finally happy... until... we began running into people from the church and we were shunned.. we got calls and even visits from some of the people saying that the devil finally had his way, etc. We were told that it was not God's will that we left because he planted us there, etc. They eventually left us alone when they saw that we weren't coming back. Since then, we have been attending a new church, but not regularly. I can't seem to get into it anymore and when I don't go, I feel so guilty. Anyway, I'm here for the same reason all of you are here -- to support others, to let others support me and out of that, to receive healing. I feel as if I need to be reprogrammed.

Thanks for listening and I look forward to reading and being a part of your forum.

Rani :)

[Jerry]

Rani,,,,,
Welcome ,,,,,,I have to go right now will post more later,,,,just didn't want to ignore your post ;)
Love Jerry

[jane]

Rani,

welcome! Do you livenear me? Your post sounds hauntingly similar to me.....I was in the "family" too and kept my mouth shut. . .and felt my love growing cold. I wish I could say that I spoke up and left. . . I did speak a little, but not enough and then things happened in our life that were out of our control. . . .and we became the targets.
gosh, if I could go back in time and not have kept my mouth shut.


welcome, I hope you find what you are looking for here- looking forward to getting to know you more.

Jane :)

[butterfly]

WELCOME RANI, I AM NEW HERE SINCE MARCH 2005. THIS FOURM IS A BLESSING FOR ME. butterfly :)

[Kerrin]

Hi everyone, I'm a newbie :) I was thrilled to run across this site in search of 'people that have been abused in church.' I too was abused and hurt and shunned by the congregation that I considered to be family. My church was my 'safe place.' I attended there for 4 years and closed my eyes to all of the wrongdoings. In fact, because I was in the 'clique' I also participated in their wrongdoings, shunning people, and basically just following the leadership in whatever role they were leading at the time. We were never brave enough to say, "what you're doing is wrong" so we just joined in. The Lord began to speak to me about 'compromise' and my husband and I learned that we were compromising our beliefs and our relationship with God. We knew that if we continued to stay there, our hearts would harden and it would eventually stop bothering us and we'd become like 'them'. We left in January of this year and we felt like a huge burden had been lifted off of us. We were finally free. In the freedom, we were finally happy... until... we began running into people from the church and we were shunned.. we got calls and even visits from some of the people saying that the devil finally had his way, etc. We were told that it was not God's will that we left because he planted us there, etc. They eventually left us alone when they saw that we weren't coming back. Since then, we have been attending a new church, but not regularly. I can't seem to get into it anymore and when I don't go, I feel so guilty. Anyway, I'm here for the same reason all of you are here -- to support others, to let others support me and out of that, to receive healing. I feel as if I need to be reprogrammed.

Thanks for listening and I look forward to reading and being a part of your forum.

Rani :)

:D Welcome Rani,
(I used to have a friend who's name actually was Rani, she was lovely),

Anyway, welcome to the club.
And I consider it OUR Forum.........not you "joining" if you know what I mean! :p
You're not a guest, you are a fellow survivor! :)
I pray you get heaps of support and help here , I sure have! :)

LOVE,
Kerrin ;)

[ex-shep]

Thanks for listening and I look forward to reading and being a part of your forum.

Rani :)[/QUOTE]


Welcome aboard. I work some unusual hours so my responses are catch as cas can. You are hardly unique in your experience. I had the same experience in my groups as well. Edenmic to an abusive group is the mindset that the only reality is the group itself. Anything out of the mindset is considered evil, secular humanist, or in the world just to name a few terms.

What you are experiencing with shunning and the alternate harassment is a mindset that the group has to do everything to maintain status quo or it will loose face with God. The shunning is a mindset that you are not working with their version of God.

I am sorry that you had to endure this. Alternately I commend you for seeing the problem and walking out. In meantime make yourself at home. The virtual coffeepot is always brewing. There is always somebody on line.

[ex-shep]

WELCOME RANI, I AM NEW HERE SINCE MARCH 2005. THIS FOURM IS A BLESSING FOR ME. butterfly :)

Fancy that. I grew up in New England. Mostly central Massachusetts and Rhode Island.

[molehills]

Welcome! I'm new too, and this is the best place when you've been through a bad church thing. Sounds like you're part of the club. :)

[Kerrin]

In meantime make yourself at home. The virtual coffeepot is always brewing. There is always somebody on line.[/QUOTE]

:D That's what is so great about this "house", there's always a light on........and somewhere to rest, or have a coffee, (for me it's tea :p ).
Thanks ex-shep
Love
Kerrin ;)

[Voyager]

Welcome aboard Rani. I'm glad you found us. Here's to your recovery!

I feel as if I need to be reprogrammed.
You probably do - I know I did. This is a great place to start.

:cool:

[DLL]

welcome rani, im glad you found us too. my story's the same too. im still being shunned and prayed for. prayers i dont mind, its just the way they go about it. anyway, more about that later. welcome :)

[Rani]

Thanks everyone for your kind words, encouragement, and understanding. I do believe I'll fit right in here. I think we can all get through this together :)

I have a question -

Did you all come out of authoritarian churches?

[Kerrin]

:rolleyes:
Lets see?
My former Vicar(Pastor), saw himself as evangelical and liberal and would be dumbstruck at the notion he was/is Authoritarian!!

But ,having sat on the side lines now for a while ALL these Churches are autoritarian because it's about how much power they have/can get at the expense of anyone!! :mad:

Love
Kerrin ;)

( Just another thought; as my Church was the Anglican / Church of England ;it is obviously Authoritarian to have the stringent hierarchy it does! Just to get to a message ,e-mail or message to the Bishop is like trying to contact the Prime Minister ; As we say , you pretty much have "buckley's and none " chance!!)

Sorry for those of you who may need an "Aussie" dictionary to decipher that LOL! :p :)

[molehills]

yes and no. I grew up in a church full of redeemed hell-raisers who had no room or patience for fingerpointing. Everyone in the church was challenged to study the Bible and had a say in the doctrine of the church. Even a cheeky little twerp, blushes brightly, could put in her two cents. That was the body of my growing up experience. Around the edges though were the low self-esteem people who seem to love to teach SS or "minister" to youth whose power tripping legalism got me addicted. They judged my relationship with Jesus by how many points I earned or verses I memorized and no one noticed because they were just "training and teaching." If that kind of thing had been happening in the adult part of church it would have been dealt with, but no one seemed to notice it was happening to us kids. I wanted attention and rewards and the only way to get it was to be a fake, so I became an unbelievably good fake.

I got over it, ironically, in an authoritarian church/school. God really got through to me--the hard way.

I went off to college, got my first job, got married, had a baby. I was in a church that had a strong leader, but for the most part I wouldn't call him authoritarian. I put in my two cents there, and so did pretty much everyone else.

Then I got trapped in this evil church that I didn't recognize as evil. They were authoritarian, and I thought since I mostly found them rather sad that I wasn't being harmed. I thought I was actually helping these poor misguided people. Then they ate my lunch and I discovered all these good things had suddenly gone missing from my life and had been replaced with all this crap!

Well, that's my rant for the night. Sorry.

[jane]

Did you all come out of authoritarian churches?


hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

you mean as in Everyone in the church worshipped the Pastor, hung on every word, wanted to sit at his feet and lick his $150 pair of shoes clean for him??????

you mean as in Everyone asked permission before they could go to the potty???

you mean as in all the leadership were not really alive at all but "bobble head dolls" bobbing their heads "yessir master"

you mean as in everyone gave their entire lives up to be at every meeting every night of the week -- and just in case that wasn't devoted to the vision enough they also came in on Saturdays for trainings and meetings about meetings...

you mean as in Everyone is afraid of that disapproving look. . . . . .




:p not me, I have no idea what you mean. :D


Forgive me guys, I am feeling really bitter tonight-- got an email from my BEST FRIEND who hasn't seen me in over a year--we were "sisters"-- but alas, her real sister is the pastors wife and it would be seen as treason if she were to socialize with the enemy-- me. you know how it is; if anyone is not for them they are against them. . . . .


Jane

[Rani]

The church I came out of was authoritarian, but I have to say that the pastor's wife and her lapdogs were the cause of most of the problems in the church and she even controlled the pastor most of the time. It was a small church, maybe 60 people, and it never grew in the 4 years I was there. People would come and go and most thought we were all nuts (it was a charismatic church that was very FREE). You weren't allowed to miss church or any function they had (if you did, you were talked about) and when you socialized, they preferred it to be with someone from the church. Even family vacations were usually with another family from the church.

Looking back, I can't believe I fell for all of that and actually believed they had our best interests at hand.


Thanks for your replies :)

Rani

[jane]

What you just described is almost exactly like what we been through. My husband would say the same of our pastor's wife and her lapdogs only he called her "the prom queen"-- she wanted a perpetual prom going where she was always crowned.

Our church was a little over 500 when we left. . .

and vacations were frowned upon, unless you were contributing financially to the Pastors annual vacation to North Carolina beaches for three weeks. . . .

One deacon and his wife- our home group trainers-- were the biggest lap dogs and scheduled their trip at the same time.

Our pastor and his wife could not wait to get away from us all so I can't imagen taking a vacation with them, hard enough gettting an invitation to their home for dinner- oh unless of couse they were hosting one of their family member's bridal or baby shower that was advertised for 3 months before hand including where they were registered.

ok now to be fair; I was on the in when I got married and had my first son so I had two really beautiful showers at their home. They also made my wedding a fairy tale. . . let me be honest when it is time to be honest.

anyway, welcome again; hope you find healing.

I too can not believe all the "lines " that I fell for.

Jane

[Voyager]

Our church was a little over 500 when we left. . .

and vacations were frowned upon, unless you were contributing financially to the Pastors annual vacation to North Carolina beaches for three weeks. . . .
It's amazing how similar your situation was to ours Jane. Our church had around 500 members when we escaped, and vacations were also frowned upon. I was self-employed, so I didn't even take vacations for the first eight years or so that I was there. Then when I finally had enough employees to cover me to take a vacation, my wife and I went to Florida to visit her relatives for 10 days. When we returned, my elder jumped all over my case for not telling him where we were going. I told him that I had informed the worship leader that I was going on vacation (I was the bass guitar player), and he said that I should have told him also. He said the I "left the covering" and had walked out from under the "protection of the Spirit" for not telling him. For about a month after I returned I noticed him eyeing me all the time with a suspicious look. He kept asking me if everything was okay, and several times he said that he discerned that I was "out of my place in the spirit" ever since I returned from vacation.

Arrrgggghhh!!! I can't believe I fell for all that crap! Oh well, by exposing the wrongdoing and corruption to the church members and the community I caused the pastor to get terminated and there are now only 45 members left. The place is on the verge of bankruptcy - and I am definitely not losing any sleep over it.

:cool:

[Voyager]

P.S. - I now realize that the reason cult leaders frown on vacations is because they know if anyone gets out from under the brainwashing for any length of time, they may wake up to reality and escape. Our former pasturd also frowned on members visiting other churches and even listening to TV preachers due to the risk of "coming under a different spirit".

Gag!!!

:cool:

[jane]

During the summer time, I would want to take a break from teaching the children or slow down on some of my committments. I grew up in the congregational church so we always had "kick off sunday" which was usually the Sunday after Labor day-- this began sunday school- and Father's Day in June ended it. THis gave teachers a break and followed the public school schedule. They still had programs for children it was just scaled down. . . .


So much to my surprise when Summer time came and things were still "full throttle ahead" when I asked about it I was told, "Does God take off the summer?"


Well, now I know that even God rested on the seventh day. We were so freakin busy running around on Sunday- it was the busiest day of the week for us.

Jane
p.s. sure wish God would shut down my old church- or at least do something to bring them back to their first love- the way they were before we moved into our new building.

[jane]

yeah, we heard about that "covering" too.

so much so that in the last days, a friend who left the church years before gave us a book about the homechurch movement. When the pastor saw him, he blasted the guy for giving "his sheep" material that contradicted their vision. He said that he was our covering and that if that man wanted to give us anything more to give it to him first. He told that man that he was creating division in His body.

wow, when you are almost 40 (and my husband is over 40) it is a shocker to see someone control the books you read. When we showed it to him, he took it. He didn't want us to worry our pretty little heads I guess. My husband's father was in the polish labor camps during WWII-- so my husband felt like this was much like some of the experiences that his father spoke of during Nazi occupation of Poland.


That action of our Pastor's was another in the birthing pains that had us leave. My husband and I felt like we were educated and not so stupid that we should be able to read a book and make up our own minds. . . .

It is an interesting thing, this "covering"--- starts to seem more like a tight plastic bag over our heads and not a protective garment.

Jane

[Jerry]

He said that he was our covering and that if that man wanted to give us anything more to give it to him first. He told that man that he was creating division in His body.


Dear Jane,,,,
This man is dangerous,,,,obviously insane !!!! No one in their right mind wants to be "The Only Available Source"
Love Jerry

[Hesed]

Dear Jane,,,,
This man is dangerous,,,,obviously insane !!!! No one in their right mind wants to be "The Only Available Source"
Love Jerry

I agree. This is sheer, unadulterated narcissism.

I've just finished listening to a sermon on Christian radio which had what I thought was a very sound message: that our hope and our identity as Christians is in Christ, and not in what other people think or tell us.

Where does this "covering" carp (misspelling intentional ;) ) come from? I'm assuming that there is some sort of biblical basis to the concept but I've never heard of it.

[molehills]

I agree. This is sheer, unadulterated narcissism.

I've just finished listening to a sermon on Christian radio which had what I thought was a very sound message: that our hope and our identity as Christians is in Christ, and not in what other people think or tell us.

Where does this "covering" carp (misspelling intentional ;) ) come from? I'm assuming that there is some sort of biblical basis to the concept but I've never heard of it.

I think it's Bill Gothard and the Institute for Basic Youth Conflicts. :eek:

It's from that passage where a woman shouldn't be in church without a head covering. He interpreted that to mean without an authority figure. ARRRRRRRG! It seems to have been extended to mean that everyone is supposed to shelter under their authority figure, not just poor, defenseless, somewhat extra evil by nature women. If that is their doctrine, then they have a lot to answer to God for. I'd hate to be the "umbrella" responsible for all that stuff. The funny thing is, these people are the same ones who rail against the pope, but here they are taking his place.

[Hesed]

I think it's Bill Gothard and the Institute for Basic Youth Conflicts. :eek:

It's from that passage where a woman shouldn't be in church without a head covering. He interpreted that to mean without an authority figure. ARRRRRRRG! It seems to have been extended to mean that everyone is supposed to shelter under their authority figure, not just poor, defenseless, somewhat extra evil by nature women.

OK, thanks. I've never heard of Bill Gothard nor have I heard of that particular interpretation of the passage.

If that is their doctrine, then they have a lot to answer to God for. I'd hate to be the "umbrella" responsible for all that stuff. The funny thing is, these people are the same ones who rail against the pope, but here they are taking his place.

That was my reaction too!

It seems to me that this is a big violation of the first commandment. The pastor is putting himself (herself?) in the position of God. :(

[bad girl]

I think it's Bill Gothard and the Institute for Basic Youth Conflicts. :eek:

It's from that passage where a woman shouldn't be in church without a head covering. He interpreted that to mean without an authority figure. ARRRRRRRG! It seems to have been extended to mean that everyone is supposed to shelter under their authority figure, not just poor, defenseless, somewhat extra evil by nature women. If that is their doctrine, then they have a lot to answer to God for. I'd hate to be the "umbrella" responsible for all that stuff. The funny thing is, these people are the same ones who rail against the pope, but here they are taking his place.

OK this really hit a me because I actually attended that seminar. It messed me up for several years, especially the part about the "demonic beat" (I was afraid of a lot of christian music for a while). It is very legalistic teaching, and even went so far as to say an adult woman could not marry a man if her father does not approve. Yes, you could be 30 years old and have met the love of your life, and your alcoholic dad doesn't approve, well, you can't marry him.

I realized that was not correct when I remembered how Jesus let a woman spend a years wages to pour this precious oil (I guess around a 30,000$ bottle) over his head without telling her to first get permission from her authority person. I may have swung too far the other way, but now I am very leary of this authority stuff.

Pat