Tired

[Pinkie Pie]

Today I'm just tired of the hard work in my healing process. Wondering if anyone in my life outside of this forum TRULY understands how hard it is being me and living with the constant fear of being blindsided by people I trust and who have proven I am safe with them, still there is this little voice in the back of my head that never quite goes away, that they are going to eventually betray me. I'm tired of being triggered, just when I think everything is going good. I'm tired of having to try. I'm tired of knowing that I need to build safe relationships but having to take risks in order to do so and being afraid to take risks.

Does the fear of being blind-sided EVER go completely away once and for all??????

I'm just tired of everything right now. But I don't have the luxury of giving up, because if I do, then all the hard work I've done the past 3 years will be for nothing. But it is SOOOOO tempting right now...... :(

Thanks for listening, Forum Friends.

[molehills]

Sometimes exhaustion itself helps me. Sometimes the behavior I'm pouring so much energy into is the problem, and running out of energy to support it helps me let go of it. I then find a way to grow into a healthier coping mechanism. Maybe, this is a good sign of better things to come? I hope so. I'll be praying for you that you can stick it out until the good things come. Thank you for always being so encouraging, even if it's just seeing your happy avatar. You make me smile.

[Pinkie Pie]

Sometimes exhaustion itself helps me. Sometimes the behavior I'm pouring so much energy into is the problem, and running out of energy to support it helps me let go of it. I then find a way to grow into a healthier coping mechanism. Maybe, this is a good sign of better things to come? I hope so. I'll be praying for you that you can stick it out until the good things come. Thank you for always being so encouraging, even if it's just seeing your happy avatar. You make me smile.

You know, I hadn't looked at it like that - but you may have hit on something. The thing I am most tired of is WORRYING about everything!!!! It's like the fear of what will happen if I DON'T mull and stew and try to figure everything out, is starting to get outweighed by the mental exhaustion of doing all that worrying. Thanks for making ME smile :)

[molehills]

I'm glad I could help! :D

[jane]

I'm tired of knowing that I need to build safe relationships but having to take risks in order to do so and being afraid to take risks.


I am not there yet, I am still in the stage of avoiding all new relationships at all costs.

I've met some nice people lately, been given their numbers to call so we can get together-nope, not me. I tell them I am too busy or give some lame excuse. Now, I am not talking about superficial get togethers- those I can do. It gives me the sense of connectedness without worrying about if the thing that is connecting me to them is the knife in my back.

Jane

[joemama]

hi. Today I am exhausted too. I'm tired of all of it -my husband took his test for his license today and if he didn't do well enough then he will have to do it all over again .I'm sorry I'm such a ***** but I don't know if I can stand having to be nice to all of these people for another year or whatever when they offer the test again. I know I'm supposed to have faith --and that all things work together for good to them that love God... but so far has everything worked together for good?Maybe--maybe I just don't have "eyes of faith".But Jane I'm with you--I can pull all of the superficial things(although those are beginning to grate on my nerves) its the desire for the other things-like real friendships and the freedom to be myself (without fear of reprimand) that kills me. Last year the pastor called me aside with my husband and told me of a dream he had concerning me.It went like this :we were all in a car-I was driving and he and my husband were passengers. I was heavily made up and had streaks in my hair (an outward sign of backsliddeness) (at least to them). I drove off the road through a field--all the while saying that it was a shortcut.Of course it wasn't and it cost us all alot of time.When we finally got where we were going-I said that I would not go in and pray for a woman because of the fact that I was wearing makeup. This was the dream. His interpretation was that I was pushing Aaron to get his license (although I don't think I was -but I was encouraging him because that's what he wanted to do)and I needed to back off-because the shortcuts would take longer-and also that I might have some issues with "holiness" (which is what the church calls the dress code).So for the last year I have not done anything that could be construed as influence.When Aaron had to study I left him alone-when he had to read I let him read (before this I had read to him as he is dyslexic and it is difficult for him).I have backed way off.It has plagued me that I could mess things up. I have worried--will this happen despite my best efforts? Is my being angry part of this?Am I falling into some trap whether I like it or not?Should I decide to be happy so I can outwit this dream?Can you do that?-----THESE ARE ALL STUPID AND CRAZY THOUGHTS BUT THEY NAG AT ME.so when he called today and said that he's not sure how he did (he had trouble reading some of the words) I'm afraid it's all somehow my fault.Why am I so insane?Please if you ever pray for anything pray he passes because I'm not sure I will know what to do with all of this if he doesn't. Even though I know its crazy and that God doesn't operate like that--I can't quite shake the thought that ..what if he does?

[Doug64]

Hi:

Something I have learned is, the things we worry about most often do not happen.
So we have worried about nothing.

If they do happen, we will cope somehow.

It reminds me of the serenity prayer; to change and deal with what we can, leave the rest alone, and be granted the wisdom to know the difference (loose paraphrase.)

Doug

[jane]

Joe mama,

DId he pass?


Jane

[joemama]

YES! :D he passed and I am very relieved. I am up north for a funeral and so I didn't find out until a little bit ago. Thank you all for your posts and your concern. I'm sorry I'm such a basket case--I really love talking to you all-because it calms me down. Thank you Doug,Jane and everyone who cares. I will be on whenever I can get a hold of a computer

[Kerrin]

YES! :D he passed and I am very relieved. I am up north for a funeral and so I didn't find out until a little bit ago. Thank you all for your posts and your concern. I'm sorry I'm such a basket case--I really love talking to you all-because it calms me down. Thank you Doug,Jane and everyone who cares. I will be on whenever I can get a hold of a computer

:D Congrats!!
Lord, you sound (write), like my sister in law in Texas LOL!! I can almost hear the accent :p ;)

(Not meaning to offend, you should hear mine!!)

Glad you're feeling calmer,
Love,
Kerrin ;)

[butterfly]

THANK YOU FOR LETTING US KNOW THAT HE PASSED. I AM GLAD FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. butterfly :)