Vocabulary lesson, please.

[molehills]

I've discovered that whenever you are trying to learn or do something new, it is very helpful to understand the language specific to that skill or experience. You guys have some "recovery lingo" that I'm curious about. What are "triggers"? I'd appreciate an explanation of that concept and any other words that are part of the recovery process. Thanks

[DLL]

Triggers For Me Is When Something Is Said Or A Thought Conveyed That Brings Back Bad Memories And Makes Me Regress Somewhat. Dont Know About Everybody Else. Hope This Helps.

[molehills]

ahhh. So things that make me cry or blow up? Is that the idea?

Are there any general ones I should avoid in order to help people here on the forum? How do I handle things that might do that? I noticed some people post "may trigger" How do they know that? Is that standard procedure?

[Voyager]

Many of us get "triggered" by certain scriptures that were used against us in our spiritually abusive experiences. Verses such as "separate the sheep from the goats", "They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us", or Biblical phrases such as "Why have you grieved the Holy Spirit and caused Him to depart?" can trigger many of us.

When we were brainwashed and under the control of our former spiritual abusers, we didn't have the right to voice our opinion or get angry when we were controlled by these verses and/or phrases. Now that we have the right to express our emotions, many times these verses or controlling phrases can trigger years of pent-up anger and grief that we were not allowed to experience.

That's my definition of a trigger.

:cool:

[Reg]

I've discovered that whenever you are trying to learn or do something new, it is very helpful to understand the language specific to that skill or experience. You guys have some "recovery lingo" that I'm curious about. What are "triggers"? I'd appreciate an explanation of that concept and any other words that are part of the recovery process. Thanks
Hi molehills,

Here are some excerpts from a discussion we had about this awhile back.

TRIGGERS

I think indoctrination has everything to do with it. My wife found a tape on cults, mind control, recruitment, and exiting. It was a lecture I delivered in 1990 to a group of college students at my alma matar. Many of us had the wool pulled over our eyes with deception. It was certainly true with me. It feels like an understandable fight/flight reaction. "Oh no, I am not going through that
again" It tends to bring out anger in you.

I can easily relate to Willow's uneasiness with 12 step groups and lingo. I was laying in bed remembering an institutional AA meeting at a hospital pysch unit. One man was back in the hospital after a major alcoholic relapse. I was the only one who picked up on what caused his relapse. It was an over zealous sponsor, instead of mentoring, controlled how he should live his
life and "work the program" The alcoholic could not live up to the performance demands of his controlling sponsor. With no other way out, he drank.

One person wrote about the pratfalls of codependent personalities ruining things for us. It is certainly a way for cults to flourish, and not just spiritually abusive groups. Keep sharing. It keeps me honest.


I can understand how 12 step language can be triggering as well. I have had more than my share of "Big Book Nazi's" and overly authoritarian sponsers telling me how I should live. I had enough cult involvement that I was not going to put up with their machinations.

I also met a woman at a Cult Awarness convention several years ago who came out of a 12 step cult. I could easily empathize with her and could identify the "one liners" used to keep the membership in check.

As long as we can quietly raise our hand in objection and be emotionally honest, who could ask for more.

Thanks a lot for this post, It helps explain some of the triggers that we have that most in church leadership positions do not understand.

In the last six months I haven't noticed anyone on here pushing religion or preaching the Bible at all. Most of you stick to spiritual abuse issues and rarely bring up any passages of Scripture.

John, Scripture is a trigger for me if someone uses the same scripture to support a point.. the same ones that were used in the legalistic churches in which I worshipped, especially on the issues of forgiveness. In my life, I can usually only read the book of Psalms or some meditations. If I know that someone in the forum has a certain way of dealing with their emotional needs, and
that mode of thinking sends me into fear and panic, I stay away from those posts. In the forum, I feel that we can't stay away from someone else's triggers. The triggers are there as a signal that there is something internally in which that person needs help and healing. I don't know everyone here well enough to know exactly what triggers everyone has. I do think that when we are triggered, we need to say so, without shame and blame. That to me is not a personal attack. It just tells me where that persons boundaries are and I need to respect that. Would I be offended? Probably, but that is my problem.

---------------

For me, scriptures can be a trigger..it depends on how it's being used. If a person is using scripture to try and "sell" me on an idea or a way of thinking it can bother me. But then again, it depends on the person. I think if you, John, use scripture, it doesn't bother me. I know where you're coming from. And it's not to recruit me or condemn me. Even if I don't agree with someones point of view, if I know where they are coming from it won't bother me. I am sorry if this is choppy and makes no sense, but my three year old is harassing me to get off the computer... Emme

John, I believe and respect the Bible as the Word of God. That is who I am and what I believe and the Bible is my frame of reference so I have a hard time disassociating myself from it. It is also what saved me when I left my abusive church because in it I found the truth as opposed to what the church had practiced and could udnerstand what was wrong with what the abusive leaders did. I don't mind when someone quotes Bible verses as long as the intent is to encourage and build me up. I don't like anyone using the Bible to tear me down or thinking that they and only they understand the meaning of it. If I disagree with what someone thinks a passage of scripture means then don't try to force your interpretation on me. Let God impress his words and their significance in my life on me, it's not your job to make me believe something and I don't think anyone is any better of a Christian because they know the scripture better or understand something in it that I don't. When I use the word "you" I am not talking about you specifically John but any "you" other than me. I would like to think I had the freedom to share verses and their significance here as well as long as I don't lord it over people or try to argue.
His child


If I was to share Bible verses, this would be my position too. However, I am having a break from reading the Bible- I was finding it just too hard, at present. And you know what? I don't feel guilty!! - David


Yes it is a trigger for me but it also depends on how it is being used. I cant stand to be brow beat or scripturized and I want to learn not to do it to others.


I could be wrong, but I thought this site was a place for those who have been spritiually abused in the christian church. I happen to long for authentic christianity and good theology. I am not offended at all by the Word. I realize that twisted scripture has been a trigger for many, but that still doesn't negate the Living Word. I would like to discover answers for my spiritual abuse in the Word. From my own study, it seems as if it this possible. Jesus, Himself, was persecuted by his supposed "own."

I am not going to give up on finding and knowing Him in my hurt and suffering, despite at the hand of the so-called brethern. I do not believe the answers lie in the wisdom of the world, but in His Word. Untwisted and undefiled. God bless.... patty


I'm not either...but those exact words were yelled at me for too long every Sunday, and at times in between. "BE IN THE WORD!!!" I couldn't stand it. This was a preacher, that hit his wife, and tried to destroy my family. Hearing those words from him almost made me physically ill. I have realized that that terminology may be very soothing for some, but hearing it from this man was b.s. - Turtle



Patty, because I have seen your heart in what you write here, I accept that as real and what works for you. That doesn't offend me.

I must admit though, when I hear certain phrases it takes me back to what I heard in my old abusive group. That is not your fault. I'm just sharing what happened to me. It wasn't the Bible that was offensive. There was lingo used by abusive people, so some very good words, can bring some very unpleasant associations to me. The preacher I am talking about, couldn't even be engaged in normal conversation. By normal, I mean relevant to life in the 21st century, and yet he was under 30 years of age. He talked as if he lived in the times of Shakespeare.

Thanks for talking, Patty, and also thanks for listening

-----------------------------------------

"Scripture is a trigger for me if someone uses the same scripture to support a point.. the same ones that were used in the legalistic churches in which I worshipped, especially on the issues of forgiveness."

I agree with you here Katie. In the field of Bible interpretation, there is exegesis and eisegesis.

Exegesis is the interpretation of Scripture by a careful study of a passage according to its literary, cultural, historical, linguistic etc. etc. aspects. All interpretation must be within this framework if one is to interpret what the author meant and then apply the general principles to today.

Eisegesis is proof-texting when someone takes a scripture and uses it to support something that they have in their head. There is no careful study of the aspects mentioned above in exegesis. The Scripture becomes a tool or a weapon that the person can use to support whatever agenda they may have. They use scripture to further & justify their abuse

It's very dangerous because people naturally sit up and listen when people quote Scripture (present company excepted of course- including me!). I spent so long in a congregation that checked their brain out at the door and just accepted what the pastor said.

Sorry to mention Scripture but I think it was in Acts 17:11 where the Bereans were praised because they listened to what Paul said but then before accepting it they went back and checked it against Scripture. How I wish that I had been like that! - David

-------------------------

[Reg]

TRIGGER WORDS

Please understand that any innocent remark may innocently trigger a flashback or painful memory. If anyone feels triggered, threatened, or anyway uncomfortable, they may signify by quietly raising their hand. Please be sensitive to the needs and boundaries of those present.

ReFocus has some good meeting guidelines on their link http://www.refocus.org/suppguid.html

Worst Words:

Authority

Submission

obedience

Rebellion and divisiveness

teachableness criticism

Unity of the body bondage

discipleship perfection

accountability holiness

deliverance perfection

Image consciousness holiness

Fake friends revival

Superficial people making mistakes

-an independent spirit

yielding rights

agape

feeling angry

Phrases:

Get over it and get on with life. Just let it go.

alter calls

Having a critical or Jezebel Spirit

feeling 'led' to do something

Seeing who the 'holy spirit' is working in...and who the 'holy spirit' isn't working in

heart for missions

touch not God's anoited

'If you don't hear the voice of God, then you don't belong to God'

feeling like I've disappointed or let someone down

Mormons - Emotion appeals. JW - cross in front church Trinity can be used ib a positive way

Before I write a list, I want the forum to know that I value triggers and don't want to avoid them. I want to learn from my trigger and find out what is at the bottom of it and depower it... and try not to react to it.

OK... with that said, I can make my list

words and concepts:

submission/authority; servant; tithing; communion; altar calls; feeling dominated; formulas and pat answers; prosperity; fads/trends in the church world; commercialism of spiritual things; superstitious spirituality; any form of manipulation; mega churches; abuses of power; programs; rituals; spiritual contracts.

Posted By: scifidiva

Submission; rebellion; authority; independence; an independent spirit; yielding rights; perfection; holiness; servant; tithing; feeling dominated; pat answers; prosperity; any form of manipulation; abuses of power; brokeness; suffering for Jesus; Head of the House; criticism titles;..Pastor; Apostle; Brother...gag. Being told what to do; Being patrinized or condescended to; rejection; being prayed for or having hands laid on me; Being told how to worship and when and how long; Being told how to pray and when and how long; Being told not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together; Leadership cell; cell leader; position; conscience; trust your Pastor;

Actions and events:

Christmas; being ignored; physical contact; making mistakes; criticism; being micromanaged; clutter; dead animals; horror; blood; violence; sex; conflict; anger.

Posted By: CL

Hi, everyone. I'm new.

My triggers are "MINISTRY" and "REACHING OUT." UGGGH!!!!

God led me to this website. It is like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I realize that the feelings I have been struggling with since joining a wonderful, extremely supportive and healthy church are NORMAL for someone who has experienced spiritual abuse. I experienced s.a. at a church for 10 years, I had joined just a year after being saved. Essentially everything I learned about the Body of Christ I learned there, and needless to say it really messed me up. God has been healing me in wonderful ways, but I was wondering why I still have "flashbacks", why I "hear" things in a way not intended. It's HARD work! But now I realize that is okay.

[Voyager]

I realize that some people here still hold the Bible in very high regard. Others, like myself, only have one experience to base their value of the Bible on - their spiritually abusive experience. If I had three or four non-abusive experiences with the Bible, I would probably hold it in higher regard than I do now. But, my only experience with the Bible ended up resulting in 12 years of abuse. So, my feelings towards the Bible now are "Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt - no thank you, I've had enough". So, it is hard for me to take someone seriously when they are trying to use Bible verses to prove a point or correct me.

I still want to believe that Jesus died for my sins. I still want to believe that I am going to heaven. But out of all the verses in the Bible, the only one that has any true meaning or value to me is the one where Jesus said "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" (Luke 6:31). If everyone would just focus on that one, we would all be very pleasing to God and to each other. Other than that, the Bible to me is just a bunch of words written by imperfect humans, and much of it is outdated (women should keep quiet in church, women should isolate themselves during their period, etc.).

I do respect people who still hold the Bible to be the Word of God, that is unless they start trying to use it to tell me how I should act or behave. That's when I get triggered, and I no longer keep my opinion silent about it. I'm sure that I come across as harsh to some who hold the Bible as the Word of God, but I am not living my life for them any longer. I still want to believe that God loves me, and I still hold myself to a high moral standard. It's just hard for me to cherish a book that was used to control me for 12 long years. To me, it's like asking a kid to cherish the paddle that was used to beat them with. Just because someone tells them it is the "rod of God" wouldn't bring about any more respect for the paddle.

:cool:

[molehills]

That is all so helpful. I value this group so much and I don't want to make a mistake. I'm doing so much better now that I have some place to go and talk. I had no one to talk to before. If anyone ever is triggered by me, please just say so. One of my defense mechanisms was to take over the asylum, so to speak; I don't feel the need to do that here, but I'm afraid I'll fall into a bad habit. I usually respond fairly well to correction.

Voyager, I've found I'm much more open to tradition as a source of wisdom where I was hyper-protestant before I faced SA. I realize that no doctrine or book can be my relationship with God. I have to do the hard work of getting to know him instead of learning about him. I don't know if that helps or not. Your post helped me. Thanks

Reg, all that stuff was really great. I feel like I got a very balanced look at the issues as they are relevant to this board.

Thank you :)

[Jerry]

Dear Molehills,,,,
Just a little tip on triggers,,,,Please don't Compose your posts to "Avoid" triggers........I personally feel that if you inhibit yourself in this way,it does a disservice to all of us,,,,,in this way,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,We all have to learn to live with "Triggers" This is a part of interaction,,,,weather we like it or not :p I never deliberately trigger anyone,,,,,,,,,,but if I do,,,,,,,,,,,,OH WELL !!!! We all are trying to get better,,,,,,,we must therefore have complete trust in each others good intentions,,,,,trust must start somewhere,,,,,it might as well be with those on this board that love me,,,,,,,,if ya get my drift ;)
Love Jerry

[jane]

I don't know if I could add anything to what Reg and voyager said, they are both wonderfully thorough.

I agree, when someone uses the bible or "God says" to validate what they are just simply trying to say. I want to scream, "JUST TALK TO ME AS A PERSON! BE REAL !" Not everyone interprets the bible the same and when people talk to me in scripture code; we are all assuming that we know what each other means. Not always so.


More than anything, I HATE people trying to pray with you because 1)they don't think you have the right spirit (because you are hurting or angry) 2)they want you to see things THEIR way and think God is in their corner 3)they don't want to listen to you so they "shut you up" in the name of "let's bring it to where it matters, the cross". Where it matters is here and now, listen to me or tell me you don't want to.

I am certainly not against praying and have started again. I want to be asked if someone wants to pray first---and I want them to be honest in their prayers--- not using "bible talk" that they learned so that they sound so ultra spiritual.

But the "God says...." for everyone else's life---well for me, that has just GOT TO GO. God knows my address, he found Paul, Sammuel and everyone else; than He can find me.

To me it is just a form of controlling, manipulating and it attempts to put power over other people's lives. Like someone is Godlike if they know personal things about you. Makes some feel more annointed or HOLY if they are "GOD's PROPHETS" (anyway, I thought the bible said the veil was torn).

If God tells someone something for me, I tell them "thankyou, now hold that thought. Go tell God and let Him know I am waiting to hear from him". I don't even let them talk because frankly I don't care what they have to say (after they say, "God says.....) and I don't want to be drawn into an argument or fight.



We can not know what everyone's triggers are, but we can respect the boundaries that are put up. I warn regarding triggers when ever I post scripture or mention praying... I hope I do anyway I always mean too.

Jane

[Voyager]

Many of us use to have to walk on eggshells in our spiritually abusive situations. I'm glad that this is a place where we don't have to do that. We don't have to hide behind a mask of super-spirituality. We can just be ourselves, and accept each other as worthy individuals even if we don't agree with each other doctrinally. For so long, my worth as a person was tied to my ability to "tow the doctrinal line" in my former abusive church. I no longer base anyone's worth (mine included) on the ability to "measure up" to a certain doctrinal code.

How liberating!

:D

[molehills]

I'm learning so much here!

Thank you Jane for your honest sharing. It helps to hear about everybody else's struggles too.

Thanks Jerry for the freedom to not get too caught up in "doing it right." I waste a lot of time on that.

Voyager, I'm with you on the liberation front. It's crazy that the thing Jesus came to do gets lost in church and doctrine.

[butterfly]

HI, I JUST WROTE A POST AND TRIGGERED MY SELF!! :) :( . I GET VERY ANGER WITH WHAT HAPPEN TO ME. I HATE HEARING ."THEY WERE SO STRONG IN THE LORD I DO NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPEN TO THEM." JUDGING PEOPLE BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY WEAR FOR CLOTHS. JUDGING MEN BECAUSE THERE HAIR IS LONG. JUDGING PEOPLE FOR NOT GOING EVER TIME THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON AT CHURCH. . MOST OF ALL TELLING ME WHO I SHOULD VOTE FOR. IF I WAS A STRONG GOOD CHRISTIAN I WOULD VOTE FOR BUSH. IF I VOTED FOR KERRY I WAS EVIL AND GOING AGANIST GOD. I DO NOT WANT CHURCH NOR FRIENDS TELLING ME WHO I SHOULD VOTE FOR AND JUDGE MY CHRISTIAN LIFE BECAUSE OF IT. I HAVE FREEDOM TO VOTE FOR WHO I WANT. I GOT VERY UPSET WHEN CHRISTIANS AND THE CHURCH USED THE ELECTIONS TO JUDGE WHO ARE THE TRUE CHRISTIANS AND WHO WAS NOT. butterfly

[jane]

HI, I JUST WROTE A POST AND TRIGGERED MY SELF!!

hehehe THAT IS NOW MY QUOTE FOR THE DAY! You made me smile :) as I can truely relate!

I trigger myself too....

Love,
Jane

[molehills]

HI, I JUST WROTE A POST AND TRIGGERED MY SELF!! :) :( . I GET VERY ANGER WITH WHAT HAPPEN TO ME. I HATE HEARING ."THEY WERE SO STRONG IN THE LORD I DO NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPEN TO THEM." JUDGING PEOPLE BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY WEAR FOR CLOTHS. JUDGING MEN BECAUSE THERE HAIR IS LONG. JUDGING PEOPLE FOR NOT GOING EVER TIME THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON AT CHURCH. . MOST OF ALL TELLING ME WHO I SHOULD VOTE FOR. IF I WAS A STRONG GOOD CHRISTIAN I WOULD VOTE FOR BUSH. IF I VOTED FOR KERRY I WAS EVIL AND GOING AGANIST GOD. I DO NOT WANT CHURCH NOR FRIENDS TELLING ME WHO I SHOULD VOTE FOR AND JUDGE MY CHRISTIAN LIFE BECAUSE OF IT. I HAVE FREEDOM TO VOTE FOR WHO I WANT. I GOT VERY UPSET WHEN CHRISTIANS AND THE CHURCH USED THE ELECTIONS TO JUDGE WHO ARE THE TRUE CHRISTIANS AND WHO WAS NOT. butterfly


With people like that I used to remind them about Elijah and Hosea and Ezekiel and Jeremiah. You've got to be pretty strong in the Lord to be a prophet and they got depressed, discouraged, angry with God, and they did crazy things no one understood, sometimes their family lives were even a mess. Must be God judges things differently than people do.

[Jerry]

Must be God judges things differently than people do.
God,,,,!!!!!!! I wish I had said that !!!!!! :D
Love Jerry