Jane and work!/may trigger!/& LONG!!

[Kerrin]

Jane,

I have thought about you so much this week, and prayed.
I don't know where you're at with the Job application process.
i thought if I shared a little it may help. if not ,you know what to do :rolleyes:

I am an R.N as you know. I used to be the steriotypical "control freak" type A personality!
I was in Managment by the time I was 24!!
Anyway ,that was fine ,i was excellent at my job and I worked hard,I was indespensible! :eek:

Then My marriage broke up ( blah, blah... cracks there forever as you also know).
Then I found Church!
Then I was told I shouldn't be in Management because I had a"controlling spirit", A "jezebel" , unsubmissive, unteachable persona etc.,etc etc,... all over a period of 8 years.
I lost my confidence totally .Belived THEM and confessed and had numerous sessions of "deliverence" etc...
I felt guilty for being successful and earning good money!!
( Iwas also told my now, ex-husband probably used to abuse me because of "me" Not him)
So, I locked myself away and did as I was told ,which was mostly un-paid work for the Church........we survived on my savings and social security!

I didn't know who I was!
I longed to do what I do best, but "felt" guilty! :(

Now, 18 months after escaping!
You've read most of my "story" ,I realise I AM a gifted Nurse ,and Manangement IS my Forte`, and I'm bloody good at it!! ( sorry for the French!). :o

So, you know I applied for a senior Nurse Management position 4 weeks ago!
Fully NOT expecting to get the Job!
Thanks to all your prayers and support ,I landed it ,with ALL the terms I wanted in my contract :eek: ( I still can't believe I did that). ( WEll, God did really).

In the last 3 weeks, I have consciously and unconsciously tried to sabotage my job..........because I still hear that "tape" that tells me it's NOT really me .I'm NOT that good! I'm a fake!

Yesterday I tried to resign!
I lost it! ( That is, I burst into tears :o ).
My employer would not let me leave until we had talked it through! She had no reason to keep me on the way I had behaved ( I called in sick 3 days simply because i panicked!!! :o :o )

I was so ashamed.
I told her I felt I was "wrong" for the job, "she'd had a high calibre of applicants, so she would be able to replace me". She replied with "yes ,the applicant calibre was of a very high standard BUT YOU stood out as being the one to take this organisation through ...........etc...etc etc........"
I was horrible to her. :o

( I had in fact bumped into my former Vicar and his wife the night before and they were so rude and patronising, I felt like a fraud all over again).
Maybe that was my trigger :confused: :(
( All during my "time " out of the work force I have kept my knowkedge base up to speed, and attended seminars etc....continued to study).

MY point IS:
Jane: I have NEVER been more terrified in my life! :( :confused: :eek:
I can't "emote" that enough!!

YOU have The skills!
You have the ability and God has gifted you this way for a reason!
It's a leap of faith, and yep! there may (may), be rejection, but it's not of you anymore!
The agenda is different!

Go For It!!!
And Pray Like Mad!!

Suffice to say ,she gave me back the keys to "my" office, and said "see you tomorrow , I will pick you up as we are attending a major two day conference, all expenses paid!" :o

Every day ,I must look like a lunatic driving to work saying "God I can't do this and other derogatory stuff about myself, BUT I've "felt" Him!
I don't know what each day will hold , but I'm healing those areas that were hurt by the Church,( and by my own "bossy" personality..........you know us nurses! :p )

I feel so tired! ( that will pass)
I feel empowered; I have money again!.......and Amy's got her list out!!! :D )
I have at least one or two or three anxiety attacks a day ,but I think it's getting better,
And I went and joined the Gym to de-stress and lose 10 kilo's! ( Amy joined with me, so she can strengtheb her back........mother/daughter thing while it lasts!!! :D )


And I'm visiting the States next year to catch up with (ex) family for 8 weeks,( my boss said ,no probs!!! :eek: )
How Blessed am I?
How ungrateful I've been.
I was just so scared!!!

Holding you in prayer Jane,
Love,
Kerrin :)

[molehills]

I'm having so many "you too" moments. The little group I grew up in--that was in many ways very nurturing--were so sexist that the idea of a little girl being the smartest person in the room was impossible, so I thought it was impossible. All my early success I just decided was just a fluke, and everyone else just used it as a reason for making me feel guilty for getting middling grades. I'd get excited about Greek tragedies or Shakespeare or a philosopher and they'd gently steer me to something "safer" for someone my age. Eventually I just quit reading things that they might disapprove of, or that I would understand and they wouldn't. When they assumed that I didn't understand Aristotle because Aristotle is hard to understand, I knew it was because I hadn't read the text. I'd read just enough to play with the ideas. I'd read just enough to stir my imagination, but not enough to actually interact with his ideas.

Lately, I've been trying to overcome my fear of being smart. I've been giving myself permission to read Pascal and Kierkegaard and others. It's really hard to tell when I'm honestly struggling with a text and when I'm just sabotoging myself. I have no idea how to get a clear picture of who I am, because who I was was an impossibility.

I'll be praying for you. I'm proud of you for keeping at it.

[Reg]

Kerrin.

Here is some info of the Wellspring Website that talks about how many of us were raped emotionally and Spiritually by our intellectual inferiors.

Liz Shaw, C.C.R.C.
Certified Cult Recovery Consultant, Director of Resource Development

The introduction letter from Liz Shaw, at Wellspring she mentions that.
Here's just a bit of what she says in it....

"I speak with brilliant individuals, some having several advanced degrees, who have had their minds raped by their intellectual inferiors using highly sophisticated mind control techniques. I talk with people who have been model parents only to lose their child to a destructive cult. I get to know talented writers, artists, and musicians who are enslaved to their cult providing menial labor while their creativity withers and dies. I speak with highly skilled professionals who gave up satisfying careers in medicine, law, education, and science to follow the ideals and passions of a group they initially believed in, but eventually discovered to be a parasite and sham. As tempting as it is to blame the cult victim for being stupid, ignorant, lacking in moral character, and therefore inherently responsible for getting themselves in this mess, it just doesn't logically pan out when you consider WHO joins a cult. After hundreds of calls all I can say is that cults don't play fairly, they play to win, and the stakes are very high....... intelligent, creative, productive members of society. Was that you? Could that be someone you know and love?"

I share this to make the point that anyone can become vulnerable at some point in their lives, whether it be from a medical problem like in my situation, or from divorce, death, moving, employment changes, etc. We want answers during those difficult times and cults are more than happy to provide them for us in deceptive and exploitative ways."

http://wellspringretreat.org/liz.html

[Hesed]

Kerrin & Jane: Hang in there. Reading your story, Kerrin, makes me so angry. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I don't understand what people get out of destroying other people's confidence like that. I "understand" in theory that it makes them feel better about themselves, but how long does that last? A fraction of a second? I really don't understand it in my gut and it makes me so angry. :mad:

[Pinkie Pie]

Kerrin,

Your employer sounds like an angel. And it sounds like you found yourself a wonderful job, in more ways than one! Your post encourages me to reach higher. Hang in there!

[Voyager]

Great post Kerrin.

:cool:

[jane]

Kerrin,

Thank you for the post. I don't think that I have ever been honest with the group about WHY I am so terrifed. It is something that I feel shame in when sharing. OFten people think; "well, what did you do to make someone call. . ."

When I had my last miscarriage, it was horrific. The woman from the prayer team told me that if I had enough faith, blah blah blah ..... I told you all this part. What I don't think I wrote about was the REAL trauma.

I had to go into the hospital after the miscarriage because I developed an infection. Right before I went in, I applied to that state for a part time position at a children's psych hospital in town.

The day I came home from the hospital, there was a letter from the state, Dept of children and families. I was SOOO Excited, that meant (as I worked for the state before) that I was being told to come in for an interview.

I opened the letter, my heart stopped and I almost died on the spot. It WAS from the Department of Children and Families, but it was a demand for me to call them. There was a allegation of child abuse against my husband and I. The social worker had been to my home (the very day of my surgery) and was unable to locate me. My worse fear had come true..... remember I grew up in foster homes.


The person allegated that there was spouse abuse (totally not true); they could not believe that anyone could have 2 miscarriages without there being abuse...

So while I was trying to grieve the horrible loss of my baby, I was now terrified that I was going to loose my other children. One of whom was recently diagnosed with microcephaly and we were going through all these medical evaluations.... and remember my husband was just in the hospital that year with a horrible infection.

I was able to get through the investigation; they closed the case as UNFOUNDED. This is AFTER they interviewed my ex husband, our doctors, my husband's employer (he is also state employee), the school teachers and everyone. I was humiliated and later found out BETRAYED by my closest friend that I called a sister. She watched my son Caleb be born. Her husband reported it. He never even came into my home or to any family functions-- I really don't know him. She knew my fears about DCF as a child and knew about my dreams to foster...... it was evil and whicked. I was VERY lucky that they closed the case.

I never got to grieve that baby, got pregnant with Hannah :) quickly after and was caught up in that wirldwind of a 3 month investigation.


So my fears are that I can't work in the state anymore. The social worker who closed our case said that I would never have a problem-- some of the allegations were absolutely ludicrious.


I guess in writing this I can understand why the church started rejecting us. We were going through ALOT in very short time. All that we could give before for the previous years was now undercut with an incredible amount of need on our part. Maybe it was just too much for people to handle.

Anyway,
Thanks for the prayers and encouragement. I AM going to apply and face my fears.
My resume is ready and I have to mail it in with the application for the exam.

Love,
Jane

and yes, the woman was a christian. Now maybe you can understand some of my pain and mistrust. This was a woman who had NO problem telling you directly what is on her mind and she NEVER told me that she had concerns about spousal abuse....never. I had been friends for over 15 years, we graduated from college together. It was a shock. Irony, I also grieve the end of my relationship with her. I don't end relationships easily... but for the sake of my children's safety and my sanity, I needed to.

[butterfly]

JANE, THANK YOU FOR SHARING WHAT HAPPEN TO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. WE SURE HAVE TO GO THRU SOME HEAVY STORMS. butterfly

[bad girl]

Kerrin,
I'm sorry you struggle with insecurity about your work.
For what it's worth, should this help you, I can't help but notice how well written all your posts are. Very clear, good English, punctuated. I know lots of medical professionals who can barely spell or write a sentence correctly. I don't know you except for this forum, but I would imagine anyone who can so well express herself (was that correct grammar?) would also be smart enough to handle the things an RN has to do.

I was sorta "spacey", but was the highest GPA of my graduating class in Therapy of about 45. People called me book smart, and I took it as sorta an insult, like I was lacking the other. Most of those same people barely passed or failed the registry exam. If I had a hand injury, I would want the one who can spell, write, and knows the names of all the tendons for my therapist.

I just wanted to share that if it helps your confidence.

Jane,

quote: I guess in writing this I can understand why the church started rejecting us. We were going through ALOT in very short time. All that we could give before for the previous years was now undercut with an incredible amount of need on our part. Maybe it was just too much for people to handle.

After reading all this, my impression is that this was the time to take you under their wing and practice their beliefs, not to reject you.

I'm amazed at how both stories are bits and pieces of mine. I wasn't practicing my career, as my church work got to where it was taking about 12 hours a week or more, and I had three kids. Once I quit this work, I was able to go back to my career. Here's the funny part. I am not only paid, but treated much better than I was at the church. I will say, the work of the Lord is for heavenly rewards, not earthly rewards, but it is interesting that the secular workplace pays and still treats me better.
Pat

[Jerry]

I guess in writing this I can understand why the church started rejecting us.
I CAN'T !!!!!!!!,,,,,,Jane,those people aren't Christians.When the "Plowing" gets tough,,,,,,"Good Christians",,,,,,set the plowblade deeper and whip the horse ;)
Love Jerry

[molehills]

Ditto with the other two. When you are desparate and struggling is the time that Jesus people ought to come to your help, not that I've experienced that very often, but I can tell you that one way to know who really loves Jesus and who doesn't is who shows up when there's nothing to gain but someone else's burden.

I hate to go and get all theological, but ideas are my thing. One of the false teachings that have made our lives hard is the idea that there is church work we do for God and then there's the other work we do for ourselves. God made us and gave us our gifts and He calls us to our vocations. We are to do whatever our vocation is unto the Lord, and our church is supposed to support that not undermine it by burdening us with work we are not called to. If you are a great RN you are doing the Lord's work just the same at the hospital as you are at the church. When you refill that patient's water cup that's almost more Biblically God's work then all those church projects. Our lives don't divide into sacred and secular. Our whole life is sacred because it has been bought with such a great price. Everything you do is holy to the Lord.

I hope that's helpful. If it isn't, well, you guys are teaching me what to do. :D

[Jerry]

Oh Molehills,,,,,,your so difficult !!!!! :D No wonder you didn't fit in at church,,,,,,your a Christian ;)
Love Jerry

[Kerrin]

:D
You Guys are all so fantastic!!
Thank you for your support and comments.

I want to name acknowledge you all , because every contribution is so great , but then it would become a book! So ,I'm not ignoring anyone.
Thanks Reg, and Jerry for continuing to help me understand how the "church "abused me ,and that the word "rape' is appropriate!
Yes, They 'raped" me of my identity, my self esteem, my sense of me and my passion for Nursing! :( ,( amongst other things).

I too loved Shakespere etc.....was made to feel I "wouldn't get it" and just ;did as I was told".

I have just finished two full days at a National Congress on Aged Care!
You can imagine the calibre of guests :) ( Politicians, Senators, successful bussiness men and women and many Nurse managers.........me being one :o ;) )

It was such a God given gift to me and my self esteem!
i met colleagues from times past. I was welcomed enthusiastically.
I had Proprietors and CEO's asking for "my" opinion :eek:
And, I got to know my new "Boss" more intimatly as we had to attend together from 7.3o a.m to 5 p.m both days!! :o

She has been so gracious and not once referred to my "out burst" of the past week!
Instead we were often engaged in fascinating converstion about potential future projects , and she again re- iterated that she thought I was way ahead of "my time"! :o

I had hoped in sharing this experience it would help anyone ,(particularly Jane). and I'm eternally Grateful to God for causing the lively discussion. :)
I hope it was a relief for you Jane and not more of a burden! :eek:
I am SO glad you have gone ahead and applied!
Keep us posted so we can keep you in Prayer,
I know , for me, that this job has only been what it is ,and will become for me ,because each day I'm learning to let it go and hand it to Him!
Not easy! Remember ,I'm a "bossy ,controlling Nurse!" :p

It's finally friday! :D
I am so looking forward to "our" new life.
I bought Amy her electric Guitar!!! ( I Know, I know ,but the look on her face , she deserves it!). I did get the "good" headphones, :p but it's her passion, and her "way" back into the Youth Group because she won't be "judged" at this new Church!

My boss said i can have as much leave as I want to visist the States next year ,so I am getting our passports next week........and start planning how and where to spend our 8 weeks!!

I took Amy out for dinner and we thanked God for this chance to be happy and fulfilled doing what He always had planned for us. ;)

Next step, ? One day at a time!
I am finally being rewarded for NOT seeking revenge!
I feel peaceful, how nice is that?

All Of your responses were/are so great!!! I truly am grateful.

Bessings to you all ,
Love
Kerrin ;)

[pblondeau46]

Kerrin,

Thank you for the post. I don't think that I have ever been honest with the group about WHY I am so terrifed. It is something that I feel shame in when sharing. OFten people think; "well, what did you do to make someone call. . ."

When I had my last miscarriage, it was horrific. The woman from the prayer team told me that if I had enough faith, blah blah blah ..... I told you all this part. What I don't think I wrote about was the REAL trauma.

I had to go into the hospital after the miscarriage because I developed an infection. Right before I went in, I applied to that state for a part time position at a children's psych hospital in town.

The day I came home from the hospital, there was a letter from the state, Dept of children and families. I was SOOO Excited, that meant (as I worked for the state before) that I was being told to come in for an interview.

I opened the letter, my heart stopped and I almost died on the spot. It WAS from the Department of Children and Families, but it was a demand for me to call them. There was a allegation of child abuse against my husband and I. The social worker had been to my home (the very day of my surgery) and was unable to locate me. My worse fear had come true..... remember I grew up in foster homes.


The person allegated that there was spouse abuse (totally not true); they could not believe that anyone could have 2 miscarriages without there being abuse...

So while I was trying to grieve the horrible loss of my baby, I was now terrified that I was going to loose my other children. One of whom was recently diagnosed with microcephaly and we were going through all these medical evaluations.... and remember my husband was just in the hospital that year with a horrible infection.

I was able to get through the investigation; they closed the case as UNFOUNDED. This is AFTER they interviewed my ex husband, our doctors, my husband's employer (he is also state employee), the school teachers and everyone. I was humiliated and later found out BETRAYED by my closest friend that I called a sister. She watched my son Caleb be born. Her husband reported it. He never even came into my home or to any family functions-- I really don't know him. She knew my fears about DCF as a child and knew about my dreams to foster...... it was evil and whicked. I was VERY lucky that they closed the case.

I never got to grieve that baby, got pregnant with Hannah :) quickly after and was caught up in that wirldwind of a 3 month investigation.


So my fears are that I can't work in the state anymore. The social worker who closed our case said that I would never have a problem-- some of the allegations were absolutely ludicrious.


I guess in writing this I can understand why the church started rejecting us. We were going through ALOT in very short time. All that we could give before for the previous years was now undercut with an incredible amount of need on our part. Maybe it was just too much for people to handle.

Anyway,
Thanks for the prayers and encouragement. I AM going to apply and face my fears.
My resume is ready and I have to mail it in with the application for the exam.

Love,
Jane

and yes, the woman was a christian. Now maybe you can understand some of my pain and mistrust. This was a woman who had NO problem telling you directly what is on her mind and she NEVER told me that she had concerns about spousal abuse....never. I had been friends for over 15 years, we graduated from college together. It was a shock. Irony, I also grieve the end of my relationship with her. I don't end relationships easily... but for the sake of my children's safety and my sanity, I needed to.


Oh Jane.....................................so sorry for all your pain and sorrow.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jane)))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))

[jane]

thankyou. everyone, thankyou.

Jane