You know you're getting better when...

[molehills]

you start complaining about how bad you feel. After four years I'm beginning to complain a little and I hope that's a good sign. I'm hoping that talking about how terribly afraid and hurt I was I will get over it and find a fresh perspective on the church.

I suppose like most of the other stories here mine is a long one, and I don't have time to post it right now. I just found this forum, and I was so encouraged to hear other people who are struggling with me. I watched a video today that was filmed before everything fell apart and I wonder if we'll ever feel so happy again. I wonder if we'll ever be able to just relax with Jesus people again. I hadn't realized how terribly narrow our life is now.

Anyway, just saying hello and glad I found you.

[DLL]

welcome to our humble "abode". i wonder if you really found us or if GOD led you here. either way, looking forward to knowing you.
in his grace

[butterfly]

Welcom Molehills, This Forum Is A Blessing From God To Me. The Day I Joined I Was Falling Deep Into A Breakdown. Oh But I Am Not Alone Anymore. Butterfly

[jane]

Hello,

I am glad you found us too. I agree, talking and complaining is the first step to healing! I am getting good at it!

welcome, I look forward to getting to know you more...

Jane

[Voyager]

I watched a video today that was filmed before everything fell apart and I wonder if we'll ever feel so happy again. I wonder if we'll ever be able to just relax with Jesus people again. I hadn't realized how terribly narrow our life is now.
I have to agree - charismania is anything but "narrow". The brand I was involved in didn't have any boundaries at all. Members were actually encouarged to give flaky, whacked-out, deeply religious spook story "testimonials". The more demons, snakes, angels, clouds (moving), white horses, etc. - the better. It all made for great entertainment. The sky was the limit.

Yes, there were good times - just as you can have a good time gambling. Plenty of hype, adrenalin rushes, emotional highs and lows, etc. But afterward you pay the price of coming down off of the fictitious high. Then you find out that you simply had a religious addiction (just like a gambling addiction). Most of it had nothing to do with God at all - it was all hype.

Anyway, there is life after spiritual abuse. Some of us have to learn how to manage our addictive personalities, because a lot of people switch from religious addiction to other addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.). None of us expected to find something more addictive than crack in church. The trickiest part of it was that I didn't even see it coming. I mean, c'mon - it's a frigging church, not a crack pipe or a bag of weed. I had no idea that religious addictions were as bad as crack addictions.

I'm just babbling - take what you need and leave the rest.

:cool:

[molehills]

Thanks for the welcome, everyone. God did lead me here. I need a place to talk about everything where other people will understand and not just be afraid for themselves or angry with me for not getting in line. I also need reasonable accountability for my own actions and choices that contribute to the mess I'm in.


Legalism is addicting. I really struggle to resist the desire to just know that if I do A, B and C everything is OK. I thought I was over this after a big show down with God in my teens, but it really jumped out and bit me when I thought I was fighting for grace. What I was really doing was hanging around the crack house inhaling the fumes.

I'm having a tough time getting geared up to go back to church because I'm afraid of finding another crack house. One of my friends calls it "evangelical acid." I don't trust my own perceptions any more, but I don't know who else to rely on. I'm trying really hard to hear the Holy Spirit, but I've spent so many years telling Him I can't do that, they'll kill me, that I'm not sure I know how to respond to Him with anything other than panic.

Right now I'm struggling with the idea that if I just find a place with better doctrine that everything will be OK, but my research flatly denies this. God may indeed be tuning up my doctrine and leading me to a new home in the body, but I can't expect that because the logo is different that the people are. I guess the person who most needs to change is me. I have a way of either choosing or creating a legalistic environment, and I need that to be different. How do I pull that off? Do I need to warn future churches to look out for me I'm dangerous? If I'm the problem than shouldn't I just stay away? What happens to my kids? Is there any hope that they'll be different?

[Kerrin]

you start complaining about how bad you feel. After four years I'm beginning to complain a little and I hope that's a good sign. I'm hoping that talking about how terribly afraid and hurt I was I will get over it and find a fresh perspective on the church.
I suppose like most of the other stories here mine is a long one, and I don't have time to post it right now. I just found this forum, and I was so encouraged to hear other people who are struggling with me. I watched a video today that was filmed before everything fell apart and I wonder if we'll ever feel so happy again. I wonder if we'll ever be able to just relax with Jesus people again. I hadn't realized how terribly narrow our life is now.

Anyway, just saying hello and glad I found you.

Hi Molehills,
Don' t put too much pressure on yourself at this point.
I found when I first came here ,I HAD to find another "church", I recieved a lot of suggestions opinions and advice...........enough to make me question "why" the urgency? ,especially when they were the abusers; how could I be sure I wouldn't find another "evangelical "crack" house", again!!!
I was too confused and too vulnerable to make any decisions.
For me, I 'm glad I waited. My "church" has been here, (in many forms;) and I've 'just 'gone back to a church cautiously, :o in the last 3 weeks.

All the books referred to on here since I joined I have read; and wow.....so timely and appropriate........not only on abuse but recovery and ,now especially on "people pleasing"!!! :o

Glad you found us too!! :D
Kerrin

[Voyager]

Right now I'm struggling with the idea that if I just find a place with better doctrine that everything will be OK, but my research flatly denies this.
Similarly, many gamblers also think that if they find a "looser" casino, their odds of winning will be better.

I found when I first came here ,I HAD to find another "church", I recieved a lot of suggestions opinions and advice...........enough to make me question "why" the urgency? ,especially when they were the abusers; how could I be sure I wouldn't find another "evangelical "crack" house", again!!!

Like Kerrin said, why the urgency? The urgency comes from the addiction that took many years to develop. Right now, the best thing to do is to take care of yourself. Over time, your dependency on "church" will subside. In the mean time, you will experience the withdrawal symptoms that you have described.

For many of us, it's hard to separate God from church. We were so brainwashed that to be in "God's will" depended on church attendance. This is a lie. The reference in the Bible that encourages us to fellowship with believers says nothing about church at all. Preachers who want your money would love for you to believe that this is a command to attend church, but this is nothing but a ploy to get in your wallet and control your mind.

Stick around - we're here for you.

:cool:

[molehills]

It's been four years since I attended anywhere regularly. I don't consider that in a real hurry. It's been a long and worthwhile hiatus, but it's time to get back to church. I miss fellowship. I'm not sure I'll be able to find a real church, but I want to try. If God is real than he is able to make a church function in some approximation to the way it ought to.

If I can't trust God that somewhere he is accomplishing his purposes in the lives of other human beings, than I am refusing to believe that he can accomplish his purpose in me. Ultimately I think that will be more damaging to me than whatever I may suffer in a church. If I give up on church then they win.

I may sound like I'm arguing with you, but I'm just at a place where I need to try. I need to discover that I can handle being with people in that setting again. It's important to my recovery in general, and my recovery is very important for the health of my family.

[Voyager]

No, you don't sound like you're being argumentative at all. You're just thinking for yourself - and that's a good sign of recovery. My opinions are probably not that of the majority anyway. I just give my opinion, take it or leave it. I won't take anything personal.

:cool:

[molehills]

I love it here! Thank you for your response. It wasn't what I expected, but it was exactly what I needed.

Blessings! I hope I can make a good contribution here.