Abused becoming the abuser

[Hesed]

At some point in the last week or so, I remember reading a post from someone who said that, after having been spiritually abused that they turned into an abuser without realising it. I wonder if that person would be so brave as to tell their story?

[eva]

Well, I´m not the person who spoke about it last week or anytime - but it happened to me, once, when I was a child. I was abused by my five years older brother, for years. Once I tried it too - I had a school-mate, a boy, weaker than I was; I don´t remember the reason, but I remember myself catching him for his arm and flapping over his face, then letting him go and catching him again... and I liked it! I liked it for the moment, really!
I realised shortly after this incident, that it was something very bad, I never did something like this since. But I remember I really enjoyed the moment. Maybe this was my only way to get out of me all the hatered and fear I felt to my brother.. I don´t know. This is simply what happened to me about thirty years ago, and I remember it still.
Eva

[jane]

I think almost anyone can be prone to this even in subtle ways.

I don't think that I posted that but I believe that I was spiritually abusive to people also.

There was this couple in church whose child had lice one time,....... a long story that maybe I will write about.

I was too afraid to stick up for them...

and another couple that left church, I never called them. When I saw them I ran the other way....he was a close friend of mine but I was convinced that he was crazy, self centered and "Off" for leaving our church. Now we are friends again... but it took us leaving. I remember being afraid to be seen near him, it might black mark me somehow.

I don't think I acted controlling---oh well there was this time when that girl got up with the flag and after being told that she could not have the flag or ushers would take it away--- I would not let her have the flag. I felt that I was being "obedient" to leadership. ugh.

jane

[Kerrin]

I believe it was Jerry who stated that!
I say that, NOT to impress anyone 'cos I know Jerry well enough, I think, to know that he will "explain" if asked! :D

So ,Jerry!! I too was wondering what you meant by "becoming "the abuser"!!! :o

Love You,
Kerrin ;)

[Jerry]

Dear Hesed,,,,
I think it was my post ;) We have all come out of "The System" so to speek.Read Matt 23 verses 15-23,,,,Is that not the system that we all once supported,allbeit in ignorance.....????......We have all been through the "Spiritual Meat Grinder"...When we come to the light of truth,we come out of ignorance.Being ignorant is not a sin,,,,,choosing to remain ignorant is ;) To put it another way,,,,,,,How do you think abusers learn their craft?????,,Welcome to the "Light" Hesed,,,,,now you have a choice,we all have a choice to be better than we are...........
Love Jerry

[Hesed]

Thanks for the examples.

I can see where not standing up for someone out of fear is wrong. I can definitely see where it's a sin of omission. I'm not entirely certain it's "abusive" in it's own right although I see how it's part of the abusive system.

Eva, I've only recently realised to my own horror that I remember hitting my sister when we were young. There was seven years between us (I'm the older one) and my mother used to hit me when she was frustrated. I only now realise that I'd done this to my sister; I thought that was what you did when you were frustrated. :(

[eva]

Eva, I've only recently realised to my own horror that I remember hitting my sister when we were young. There was seven years between us (I'm the older one) and my mother used to hit me when she was frustrated. I only now realise that I'd done this to my sister; I thought that was what you did when you were frustrated. :(

Thanks, Hesed... Well, in fact, that is perfectly the reason why I think my brother abused me: He himself had something to deal with, and wasn´t able, and nobody helped him; and I was at hand... This really is a vicious cycle. Now I´m afraid of my own behaviour to my children: Is there anything abusive? Maybe really the only cure is recovery - recovery for me means a safe life for all around me... I´m coming to believe that.

[Jerry]

Dear Hesed & Eva,,
When exploring the subject of the source of abuse,be careful about self condeming.There is a huge difference between abuse as a "Learned Behavior",which can be unlearned,and abuse that occures out of true malace and a desire to manipulate.By all means explore yourself as both victum and perpitrator,but remember this is about recovery and moving on to be more like Christ,not about beating yourself up over some percieved shortcoming that we probably could not have avoided anyway ;)
Love Jerry

[Hesed]

Dear Hesed & Eva,,
When exploring the subject of the source of abuse,be careful about self condeming.There is a huge difference between abuse as a "Learned Behavior",which can be unlearned,and abuse that occures out of true malace and a desire to manipulate.By all means explore yourself as both victum and perpitrator,but remember this is about recovery and moving on to be more like Christ,not about beating yourself up over some percieved shortcoming that we probably could not have avoided anyway ;)
Love Jerry

Jerry: Actually, I don't think I was particularly "taking anything out on" my sister. I do actually think that I did it because I thought that was what one did when one got frustrated with someone. I.e., I believe it was a learned behavior. Once I got just that little bit older - say 11 instead of 9 - I'd learned through other people (e.g. at school) that there were other ways of dealing with frustration. I think that this is why I didn't remember it for such a long time; it wasn't attached to any particular feeling of feeling bad. But I still think it was wrong, I still regret it. But my sister has forgiven me and so has God.

You're right that forgiving ourselves is very important, though. It's hard to move on until we forgive ourselves. I don't know about you, but part of the bad religion I learned was that I couldn't forgive myself and neither could God because I was a sinner. Somehow, if I forgave myself, I wasn't "taking my sin seriously enough".

A piece of information: the Eastern Orthodox Church regards sinful habits that we get stuck in as something from which God heals us. I like that image a lot because it is very positive.

[bad girl]

In my research on abuse, I once saw it defined as requiring the abuser to be in authority/ power over the other. This means that I could not abuse a peer. It ruled out sibling conflicts as abuse. That would be something else. (I would have to disagree with that in the case of a very young sibling who is sexually abused by an older brother, or something similar)

Anyway, I realized that some things I felt were abuse that I did were not really that, they were just desperate behaviors in an abusive system. I was abused by those in power over me, according to this definition, but, as it said, I was not capable of abusing them because I had no power over them. Interesting. I wish I knew where I read that.
Pat