Power Struggles

[Willow]

Hi all,

This is kind of related to recovery... but in a way it's not to do with a church. It's more to do with a controlling personality at work. The last confrontation I had with this personality type ended in me losing my job. I have decided to stand up and speak up again.. and am hoping it doesnt' end in my job being taken away again. It's hard to have a voice and be anything but sweet. Have you all ever noticed that? There always seems to be someone in my life that has a problem with that. No different now. One of the ITS guys at work is takinig away more and more of my computer access. This is beginning to have an impact on my job. He can technicalize it all to make it sound very justified. Problem is.. nothing he says is true. He knows less about my computer than I do... I work on a macintosh with a linux/unix OS. He is a windows guy... and has successfully burned up my hard drive and video card in his efforts to fix some of his errors. It's ended in a very crippled work environment for me and no way to fix it since he is the sole admin of my computer. I feel very very very trapped. I'm having difficulty even breathing when he is around. Today I talked to my supervisor about the problem. The supervisor had no idea I couldnt' even change my own clock on my own computer. You all may be wondering what I did to deserve this... I have to say that I did nothing. I was the one computer they could not control. It's a control issue for the IT guy. He wants control. He doesnt' want me to load my own software and set my own clock. He doesnt' want me to have unrestricted access to my computer. Why? safety? Maybe... problem is... he's more dangerous than I am!

Anyway... thanks for listening. I needed to vent and hope someone can help me with advice. I'm not sure I'll get control of the machine and am sure I made a couple of enemies today. At least I stood up and spoke up though... I think that's a good thing?

we'll see... I'm just so angry at being depowered again.

[Doug64]

Hi Willow:

What does your supervisor say? Seems he/she would be concerned if you cannot do your job because of the IT guy interfering.

I know they like to have things under their thumbs, but there is no reason I can see (policywise) that you should not have reasonable rights to your own pc. Will the supervisor go to bat for you with the IT department head and get this guy to back off?

I think they resent anyone knowing anything about computers. We had IT guys who would explain what they were doing when there was a problem while others were very protective of what was taking place. I was our departmental systems person so I figured everything I could learn might save them a trip down the hill to our office the next time.

Best wishes for a solution.

Doug

[Voyager]

Maybe this article can give you some tips on how to deal with him Amy. Take what you need and leave the rest:

Dealing With Control Freaks

by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW

Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.
Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.

The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak

The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.

Repetition Compulsion

Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.

Two Types of Control Freaks

Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.

Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.

Some Coping Strategies

1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.

2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.

7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.

8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.

In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you. Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.

:cool:

[Katie]

Very interesting.

Thanks Voyager. I plan on saving this article.

I know that in our circumstance, we triggered that fear in our abuser by trying to bring our relationship to a more honest level. I now understand that in spite of all the rhetoric about being relational, this person wasn't ready for relationships that were peer level. Control had to be maintained.

I disagree that they aren't trying to hurt you. We were dealing with a Type 2 control freak, and in his attempts to diminish us, the abuse was very intentional.

[Florence]

Voyager,
Excellent article though I do agree with Katie that these folks are very intentional in wanting to hurt - destroy would be a better word. I don't think they are unaware. They may not realize that they are fearful - probably can't admit it to themselves, but I think they are very aware and that their actions are very intentional.

This is why I think the pastor of the church where I have just resigned is outraged that I would do such a thing before he had a chance to really devastate me. And it is also why many abusers will continue to cause problems for anyone who walks away - they can't deal with the fact that they weren't successful in completely destroying someone so that they could feel better about themselves.

The article says that when you walk away, you need to "protect yourself in the process." With these folks, short of going into the witness protection program, I'm not sure you can protect yourself. They will say and do anything - whatever it takes - the bring you down.

Personally, I haven't heard anything about what the pastor I worked for might be saying about me, but I am sure he is saying plenty. And if he isn't saying it publicly yet, he will. He waited until the youth pastor had moved to another state before he made public proclamations about him. I won't be moving anywhere, but after next week when I am officially no longer employed there, I'm sure he will say derogatory things about me just as he did the youth guy.

For me it will probably continue because I will be in the area. Once the pastor had denounced the youth guy for about a month, he dropped it. He'll be running into me regularly, so he'll have a victim for a long time.

Thanks for the great post.
Florence

[Willow]

Great feedback ya'll... Thanks!

I did have a confrontation with the man today. I instigated it and asked if he'd heard of my request to the supervisor to have my admin privileges granted. By the end of the conversation, I was in tears and he was the victim. Fortunately, a coworker heard from across the hall and was able to help me realize that I had been manipulated into feeling guilty from right off the bat and that the man was harsh with me. Although... I had been tricked into thinking I was the person in the wrong by that point. So... an objective perspective was much appreciated. Not sure how all this will turn out, but I didn't run and I did confront... even if it was in a very weak way.

I went to a web site last night that was also helpful. It's called http://www.bullyonline.org/ Maybe it will help someone else sometime too.

Voyager... your article was most helpful! I wish I could stand my ground a little better and not let the offender turn the tables on me. It's like I am so prone to brainwashing that the man next door can turn my beliefs around in one conversation... sigh.

DaDoug... It's great to know I'm not alone in this and that you have had a similar experience. My supervisor is aware that I am unhappy with the status of my computer and that it is holding up work. We'll see what happens. The network manager may talk him into their side of the story... who knows. I feel helpless at this point... sigh.

[Katie]

Willow,

The bullyonline website has been very helpful to me. It was amazing to me how much of the info was relevant to our situation.

Katie

[Willow]

That's great Katie... There's a forum there too... I haven't checked it out just yet. Perhaps we can bring the spiritual abuse element there too.

[ex-shep]

[QUOTE=Willow]Hi all,

This is kind of related to recovery... but in a way it's not to do with a church. It's more to do with a controlling personality at work. The last confrontation I had with this personality type ended in me losing my job. I have decided to stand up and speak up again.. and am hoping it doesnt' end in my job being taken away again. It's hard to have a voice and be anything but sweet. Have you all ever noticed that? There always seems to be someone in my life that has a problem with that. No different now.


It does makes one wonder how we attract such types. Rest assured I am not playing blame the victim. I have just had three woman practically wear shirts with "Rescue Me" all over it. I moved to another corner of the building to take calls.

With the avoidance addict, she has supervisory capabilities, so she can look up where I am. I just moved. I have yet to update my personnel files. I have a feeling I have been seeing her vehicle either coming to or going from work. I know she lives west of where I work and I was 20 miles east.

I am learning not to take no for an answer. After my cult experiences and 18 years in recovery, I am not take this sitting down. :mad:

[merry-go round horse]

the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you. Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.


Wow..this makes a lot of sense in my situation. I've been trying to analyze the reactions of our pastor. First he responds to the former pastors advice...well half of it..and fires my husband because the survey indicated a needed staff change (not which staff). Then he decided to cover up his decision to let my husband go by introducing the music pastor issue. Oh, that's another reactionary situation. Our music people think they deserve a top notch worship leader. We had a woman volunteer and she was doing a great job. Pastor has been listening to debates @ whether or not to give her the job. There are a few strong individuals who don't want her so he axed her too so he's indulged them. The guy has been divorced, has suffered from depression and has heart problems (is needing a pacemaker) :eek: No wonder he's all over the map. Like a raquet ball game he's playing a ozen players at once.

We unfortunately cannot walk away but when I saw him last week I felt a sense of pity and not the shame I once felt. Such fear. He was wanting to get together recently with not just my husband but me because someone confronted him on how poorly he handle the new staff decision...I declined the offer of more information er I mean excuses. Probably really irked him that I didn't want to hear his new version of why he really had to let my husband go...and how God miraculously provided them someone to do the job right in the ranks there. (that position had been phased out a year prior) I'm starting to get this....Looks like the healthiest thing I can do with a church that wants me to disappear is to diasappear to someplace else. Hmm, have this in my file folder too. Last year I was to help with vacation bible school but decided last minute that I just could not do it. Instead of filling my spot with a volunteer from their list....he did it himself. Do you think he was trying to mop up suspicions?

Making more sense. Just walk away...and pull the power plug!!!!!!! :o